Whispertomyheart Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Why does no contact need to be forever.
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 What's the point of getting in touch later? All the problems that broke you up are still there. An EX's presence in your life will upset a new SO & rightly so. All the years later you may not even really know each other because people do change a little When marriage & infidelity are part of the equation forever may be part of someone's deal to preserve their marriage. In other break up situations if enough time has passed you can probably manage to be cordial to an EX. I'm in the same industry at 2 of my EXs so we do cross paths professionally. We can manage 15-20 minutes of catching up . . . how's your family, etc. Both sent me condolence cards when my parents passed away. (they knew because the professional organization that ties us together spread the word & we still have mutual acquaintances) I would not say I'm "friends" with either of them but they are people I used to know & I don't harbor ill will toward them. We don't go out of our way to see each other nor do we exchange holiday cards or anything. 1
misspalmy Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 Wish i could have Co contact and never see ex mm again. he see my son grrrr
MidnightBlue1980 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 One day you truly won't care or think about the other person. I promise you. That is what no contact is for. So you can be you again.
FoundMyStrength Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 Why does no contact need to be forever. Because it's the only way to cut the cord and be free of the pain, the disappointment, the guilt, the shame, the hating yourself, the feeling of being unloved and not good enough. You'll find most OW on this forum has had their xMM come back. Mine came back 2 years later. And it will break your heart. Because you will quickly find out it was not a romance. You'll have a man you thought you loved treat you like an afterthought. You're not the main attraction. His wife is. You're the side show that he wants to retreat to when he's bored of his marriage. No contact forever means that when he does come back to treat you this way -- and he will -- you are stronger and healthier and don't need his half-assed "love." Perhaps you will even have found real love by then. 3
brokenheart4ever Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 I agree with you foundmystrength. For me its been almost 3 months no contact. My Ex-MM dumped me and told his wife a lie that i was harassing him and that I was some crazy obsessed woman, which was not the truth at all. I tried dumping him 100 times he wouldnt allow me to. He kept coming back crying. He found a new young OW so he wanted to dump me in a way that was going to be truly over. I am struggling each day as I was with him for 12 years. (yeah i know...Im stupid..trust me i learned my lesson) He wont ever come back which is good for me, and I will take this as a big life lesson. cant trust these *******s..they are no good two faced liars..my ex-MM told me no matter what he wouldnt hurt me or leave me no matter what happens.. well he decided he was done and hurt me in the worst way. I am going to be changing my number soon, and luckily we live far away, never again. dont even want to know how he is doing. big hugs, remember...after it rains and storms, the sun will shine. stay strong. xoxo.
georgia girl Posted December 16, 2018 Posted December 16, 2018 No contact is for you. Each and every time you have contact, you get hope. It’s ever-diminishing hope, but it’s still hope. And that hope keeps you emotionally committed far longer than you should be. When a breakup occurs and you are the primary one still holding on, it’s easy to project and over-interpret the other person’s actions or words. They reach out, you interpret as a sign of interest in rekindling the relationship because that’s what you desperately want. They say they miss you, you interpret it as still loving you. The problem is you can’t trust your heart and mind to get things right, so you need to stay away for your own sake. Eventually, when you get over him/her, no contact isn’t a big deal. In fact, it’s not usually something you even think about. The other person is just someone from your past. Would you mind if you bumped into them on the street? No. But would you have even thought of him before you bumped into him? No again. In my opinion, the only way to get over someone is true no contact. I have heard numerous people on these boards talking about needing answers or needing to analyze or needing to wean themselves off of the person, but those are all not just excuses but lies the person tells themselves to allow contact. And why do they do that? They are not letting go, despite all of their words to the contrary. If you want to heal, you need to let go completely. Delete numbers, social media friends, any apps, etc. Trust me, if they do have a change of heart, they know how to find you. In the meantime, you can get on with the business of healing. In this way, you set up a win/win for yourself. If he comes chasing you, you can set terms that can mitigate whether you get let down or hurt again(re-establishing the balance of power in the relationship) and if he doesn’t come back, you are a whole lot farther ahead in the healing process than any low contact can provide. 3
Author Whispertomyheart Posted December 17, 2018 Author Posted December 17, 2018 In my situation I met up with a guy that I grew up with 25 years later. When his wife found out we ended the affair. We both accepted responsibility and went no contact. He did contact me about a year later and told me how sorry he was and that he had always loved me and always would, I felt the same way about him. During our affair we knew it had no future. It went on for 3 years. We grew up in a very small community. I left as soon as I got out of school and moved half way around the world. We knew we were too different, had such different experiences and that I would never return to that small community., there was no future. When I do go back there to see family sometimes I may go to a local event or a wedding or funeral. Immediately if his wife sees me she makes him get up and leave. She is so afraid of us seeing each other or talking. We have run into each other and he always comes over to speak to me and catch up on our lives. Of course his wife doesn’t know this. She Just seems silly to me. I moved on, found a great job in the city and got married again. I am not interested in an affair with him.
d0nnivain Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 You may be over it but she knows he is still carrying a torch for you. She needs NC to be forever because he still wants you. Especially because you don't want another affair with him, have some compassion for her & let her drag him away.
Author Whispertomyheart Posted December 17, 2018 Author Posted December 17, 2018 Thank you, that’s what I needed to hear. Have compassion. It must be terrible for her and I never looked at it that way.
NotADayGoesBy Posted December 17, 2018 Posted December 17, 2018 No contact is for you. Each and every time you have contact, you get hope. It’s ever-diminishing hope, but it’s still hope. And that hope keeps you emotionally committed far longer than you should be. When a breakup occurs and you are the primary one still holding on, it’s easy to project and over-interpret the other person’s actions or words. They reach out, you interpret as a sign of interest in rekindling the relationship because that’s what you desperately want. They say they miss you, you interpret it as still loving you. The problem is you can’t trust your heart and mind to get things right, so you need to stay away for your own sake. Wise words and so true. I need to keep reminding myself of this.
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