feelsomething Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 Okay so, recently, maybe about a week ago, my ex and I decided on a break as she voiced out to me that she was losing feelings and couldn't seem to find them. Originally she had said she didn't know the reason behind this but when we spoke some time after she admitted it was because we always spent time with each other and felt that she needed her alone time as it was very valuable and important to her. I felt the same and was also beginning to distance myself because of it but I still felt ****ty knowing that she was falling out of love with me. The thing is, we both loved each other so much and I just didn't see this coming at all, we both didn't. We had so much in common and agreed that we were each other's ideal types. We never fought about anything major, some arguments but mostly fall outs due to overthinking on both parts (which I think is understandable). We haven't been dating for too long, maybe around 6 months total. It was only about 2 days ago that we decided to call it off as I was beginning to feel like it was unfair to me to be waiting for an answer. In all terms, I just didn't want to wait and hold up the process of moving on. I obviously feel terrible about it but I'm not super down in the dumps as I had already spent the previous week that we were on a break to cry in bed about it. So these past few days have been a bit more bearable for me. She said she was still considering being with me, and I felt I kinda of rushed her to making a decision because I didn't want to be left waiting. When I asked her if she wanted to be with me still, she said that she just really didn't know and needed time to figure it out herself. Even now she says she's still considering us and its not completely out of the equation. We have been calling both days after we called it off which I know is not good as I need to give her that time to figure it out so I'm just gonna go NC for a bit till she decides to call me up. We both promised each other to call when it gets hard for us or when we both miss each other so bad that we want to get back. So I know at some point she'll call me up. Although last night she told me to save the last few hours for her so we can sleep together through facetime (something we did everyday). Through facetime, she's still pretty intimate as in smiling at me all the time and saying things like im cute or giving me kisses through the screen. I'm not sure if thats just out of habit but sometimes she says a couple things that are more than platonic. So I just want to know if really giving her time will benefit our relationship. I know I'm also really busy right now due to finals and work so I need this time to myself with no worries as well. She says she really hates herself for feeling this way bc we were really good and she really loved me and that she loved us. So over all, can this still be salvaged? Also: we are in LDR which is pretty far away but we already spoke on her buying her ticket 2 weeks before we broke up to come see me in June which obviously isn't happening for now. And in terms of closing the distance, I was planning on moving to hers to go to uni there. So yeah, is there still room to save this? I have made it clear to her that I'm still interested btw. TL;DR: guy and girl really good relationship, no fights, girl losing feelings and needing alone time / space, broke up but still in contact, gets a bit intimate through facetime, guy made it clear he's still interested in her, girl says she's considering still.
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 If you are already in an LDR you have too much space. Her wanting more is a bad sign. Double down on your studying. Compartmentalize this & study. When finals are over & you have ignored her for a while send a Merry Christmas text & ask if she wants to be your date for NYE. If she says anything other then a resounding yes, assume you have no future together. 1
Author feelsomething Posted December 10, 2018 Author Posted December 10, 2018 You're right. But I think in terms of having too much space and physical space are different. The time difference between us is a significant 17+ hours depending on when DST is for both of us. By space, I mean that she feels that we are always on call whenever chance we can get just to make up for the timezones. And with this she feels she has to cut down time with her friends to stay home and talk to me and same goes for my end. We both felt obligated to do that and felt bad whenever the other was home alone. Also she felt that she was always on her phone when she was with friends and I felt that way too. I know we both had to cancel plans at some point just to make up for the lack of time. Other than that, we click well and I know that is something that can be fixed if desired. Thanks for the reply.
neowulf Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I think people have very binary thoughts about relationships sometimes. Realising that your romantic relationship doesn't have a future doesn't automatically banish any of the positive feelings you might have had about the relationship. The loss of a lover is often the loss of deep friendship and support. I've absolutely missed ex's very deeply, even when I was the one to break things off. Just because rationally I accept that ending the relationship was the right decision doesn't mean I'm an unfeeling monster.
nolanola Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 feelsomething, you need to set some boundaries in a nice way. I agree with d0nnivain. She is asking for space. I think you should give it to her. You can do this in a caring way. For example, you can tell her you care about her and don't want to lose her but need to take some space for yourself as well. After some time has gone by, you can try to reach out again. This whole thing about her calling you up when she wants someone to talk to at night is BS. If she wants to break up, then she needs to walk the walk. Stringing you along (and yes, that is what she is doing -- could be because she is unsure what she wants or something else, I don't know) is not right and you will hate yourself if you let it go on.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 OP, just to clarify - have you meet her in person before? How old are you both?
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 When all you have are these chats & you feel compelled to Always be in contact that can feel smothering. People need multiple outlets in there lives. She's already said she had enough. LDRs are tough but if there is no meaningful plan to close the distance, perhaps recognizing the futility of the situation is in order. Date somebody local.
Author feelsomething Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 im not sure if you read my entire post but yes we did have plans to close that gap. she was supposed to buy her ticket this week to come visit and in a year i was supposed to permanently close that distance. so there really wasnt much problem but the fact that she felt this way abt things.
Author feelsomething Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 havent met her yet, she was supposed to get her ticket to come see me this week but thats out of the line right now. we’re both young for sure, and im 100% sure youre going to give me that advice abt how we’re still young and will find so much more in the future. sure, but this is whats happening rn and this was something we both saw as long term.
d0nnivain Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Since you hadn't met she may have decided that this was becoming too real & she didn't want that. It was fun when it was LDR only & not a significant part of her life but when it was now getting time to actual meet she chickened out.
Author feelsomething Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 maybe thats the case but i do know she wanted to meet up more than i did. she was very oersistent about coming and said it was for sure going to happen until she had a change in feelings out of nowhere. i know for sure that distance plays a part in this but i think now its just bigger than that. its just her feelings for me are still a bit wishy washy and shes not sure how to go about that. she says she still wants me in her life and doesnt want to lose me and is still considering getting back with me. im just guessing her feelings for me arent strong enough right now, but i do feel they are definitely still present there in a way or another.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 She probably got bored of a cyber relationship and met a local guy, OP. These online situations are generally just not realistic and viable prospects for a real relationship, epsiecally when you’re this far apart and this young.
Author feelsomething Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 shes not interested in other guys. like i said, shes still heavily considering our relationship as she originally was still giving it some thought. she knows she’ll regret it at some point and is aware that she has these unreasonable outbursts of doubt which often gets us pulled into a break. but as i said, i wanted to end it instead of waiting for her answer bc it felt i was still holding onto something. anyways i still feel like shes giving it some thought but is too busy to focus on it entirely as shes been preoccupied with work. even after the break up we still talk about if theres a future together and she says she still sees it working even though we both shouldnt hold onto that hope. i feel that after some space she’ll get her head cleared and will be able to see the potential of our relationship. but as for now im sure that there is no one else in the picture as she told me she’s still contemplating our relationship.
40somethingGuy Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 (edited) im not sure if you read my entire post but yes we did have plans to close that gap. she was supposed to buy her ticket this week to come visit and in a year i was supposed to permanently close that distance. so there really wasnt much problem but the fact that she felt this way abt things. She met someone else closer (in proximity) that she wants to explore. That is why she 'needs space and time' despite being LDR and having a lot of space and time. She doesn't want to hurt you so strings you along a little (keeping the door open a tad) while deciding if the new stud is the real deal or not. Don't buy the 'not interested in other guys' garbage. Of course she will say that to you. If she needs to think things over then that is your cue to exit stage left. Then, if she does come crawling back, you have to make her work for you. Frankly, you sound like you will just jump for joy the minute she picks you. You don't sound like you are giving her the thrill of the chase. Edited December 11, 2018 by 40somethingGuy
ExpatInItaly Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 she knows she’ll regret it at some point and is aware that she has these unreasonable outbursts of doubt which often gets us pulled into a break. It's not unreasonable when she's never met you and two are 17 hours apart. The likelihood of this working out is low, even if you're not ready to admit it yet. You said before that you are both young. Are you at least college-aged?
Author feelsomething Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 i hate when people say it always has something to do with a guy. it doesnt. she says she just needs time to love herself first and you know what i believe that. i know her and she isnt that way, we’ve always been honest with each other and thats just the nature of our relationship. so sure you can feed me your bull**** abt her seeing other guys but i know her, and even if it sounds so irrational for me to give her the benefit of the doubt, i am. shes not that type of person so stoo classifying her as one just bc other females tend to do **** like that. i know better.
Author feelsomething Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 to be honest i think the chances of getting back together are actually petty high. we both spoke on this and decided that just some time apart might do us well. we both didnt eant to let go but it was something that had to be done. so when shes ready, she knows she can contact me and ask again. she knows she will at some point too. and yes we’re both in college.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 I realize it hurts to hear people say that this will likely not work out. Your defensive posture here is understandable when you're not hearing the feedback you want though I suspect you're upset primarily because we're giving a voice to your own fears that you've been trying to silence. At the end of the day, you are going to do what you want. As we all do. Thus, my only advice is not to get any more emotionally invested in her. You need to look out for yourself too and keep both feet on the ground.
nolanola Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 ExpatInItaly hit the nail on the head here. We have all been there. You like or love someone, you want to be with them, you want it work out. There is nothing wrong with that. BUT...we are all objective observers. We are telling you what we see based on what you say. It's hard to believe negative things when you want it to work out so much. If you guys live so far apart and have never met, that is really tough. LDRs are tough because even if you spend a lot of time on the phone, FaceTime, whatever, you're still not experiencing life together. Especially when you're young, you are changing a lot and experiencing new things all the time. You can grow apart very easily. Also, I am a woman. Please believe me when I tell you that if this woman is all-in for you and wants to be with you she is not going to say that she needs space or needs to think about things. She is hesitant about you and your relationship. This could be due to something in her life or it could be another guy. I know you don't want to believe that, but it is a very real possibility. I agree with Expat, you are putting so much of your heart into this and this can wind up sucking up years of your life that might be better served with someone that is close by or who knows that they want to be with you.
Fekenaws Posted January 4, 2019 Posted January 4, 2019 I feel like it's an unimportant question personally. Will your ex miss you? Unless you were an a**hat, probably yes. But does missing you even matter? I miss being in high school sometimes, I miss some of the drugs I used to do back in my early college years, but would I ever go back to them if I could? Nope. No way, no how. I've moved forward with my life. What you really want to know the answer to is "does my ex think about reconciling?" and the answer to that is, If they want you, they WILL reach out.
Recommended Posts