JanuaryAquarian Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 There is a man that I work with whom I like. I think he likes me too, but we keep it very professional. He is a superior of mine so we both tend to tread carefully. When we see each other at work we always say hello and have some pleasant small talk and say bye when we are leaving for the day. He seems fairly comfortable talking to me in these situations. We had a work Christmas party and he was acting strangely towards me. He didn't say hello until a few hours into the event and he had had a few drinks in him. Before this, I would walk by and try to make eye contact with him to say hello but he seemed to be avoiding me, that is, as I said, until he had a few drinks in him. Once he had the liquid courage to say hello, he wanted to shake my hand, which I thought was strange. We typically don't shake hands to say hello. I was glad that he broke the ice and wanted to talk though, as I would say that we are friends at work and I didn't understand why he seemed to be acting like he barely knew me at this party up until this point. We talked for a bit and others joined the conversation. When they did, he ceased making any eye contact with me whatsoever when talking to the group. There were four of us in total. He continued to look back and forth to the other two people (men) and refused to look at me. I felt unwelcome so I slowly detached from the conversation. I moved off the the side a bit and he moved to stand right beside me, while continuing to fail to engage me in the conversation. Eventually, I left the conversation and we did not talk again for the rest of the evening. When he left he reached his arm out towards me to say bye and then left. I don't understand why we wasn't treating me as respectfully as he normally does and yet at the same time, he seemed to be reach out (literally and figuratively) to me. What might this mean? How should I respond? While I am not shy about the fact that I like him (as a person generally), I have never come on to him. I feel I can separate that fact that I am attracted to someone from any kind of need to have them commit or engage with me romantically. Unless a man shows or tells me that he is interested in that sense, I consider them a friend only. Especially in our work situation, I would not want to force that on him (or anyone really) and think we should be careful and take our time if dating is eventually what we both want. So, for now, we are friends and normally treat eachother kindly and respectfully. Why all of a sudden has his behaviour changed?
Wallysbears Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 As a superior to yours, and in an environment where alcohol was involved, he was probably trying to be kind but also not inappropriate. It is not a good idea to date coworkers, in general. As your superior, he would be making a potentially very dangerous move to date you. 1
d0nnivain Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 You aren't confused. His behavior was off. He likes you but knows not to go there. The party made everything weirder. Ignore it. Be professional & stay away while he remains your supervisor. 2
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 10, 2018 Author Posted December 10, 2018 Thank you both for your sage advice. It helps to get another opinion on the matter. Because of the sensitivity of our relationship, I feel as though I cannot talk to anyone about it. So this is a great help. Thank you.
alphamale Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 he sounds like a weirdo to me. be careful
Lotsgoingon Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 He's either extremely strange, flaky and socially inept ... or ... he really likes you ... likes you a lot ... and is trying to maintain his cool about you ... and not get into trouble by hitting on you. Of course, he could also be freaking out because he really likes you ... and he doesn't know what to do with that--independent of the complications of him being a supervisor. You know ... the person who fears they will bumble and mumble when talking to someone they really like. Combine that along with the reality that he's your supervisor ... and I can easily see him doing some kind of avoidance thing. Of course, a more socially skilled person wouldn't go through all these gyrations. Chill ... keep talking if you like him ... the supervisor-employee thing can often be worked around ... by telling HR at a certain point ... But ... you don't even wanna go there until you get to know him better. Chill ... you did nothing wrong ... It may become clear over time what's up with him. 1
smackie9 Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 Didn't want that liking each other vibe out for all to see. 1
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 10, 2018 Author Posted December 10, 2018 Smackie9, Yes, I did think that that might be what was going on. He didn't know what to do when others could watch us interact. There were people there that we don't normally see on a daily basis at work. I think he is more comfortable being himself around me when we are in our usual comfortable environment or when others aren't around. He is really sweet and thoughtful around me normally. He wasn't terrible at the party by any means. It was just a bit disheartening that he didn't even say hello and then when I did talk with him, he had had a few drinks and wasn't being as attentive as he usually is. Before he said hello, he seemed to want my attention. He would walk by me several times but not look at me, and by that point I had given up trying to saying hello and was chatting with my girl friends. I will take others advice and just act as usual and see if he ever confesses anything in the future.
olivetree Posted December 10, 2018 Posted December 10, 2018 I agree it sounds like he doesn't want others at work to get the impression that you're into each other, for whatever reason. Could be the professional boundaries thing, or maybe he's not single?
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 10, 2018 Author Posted December 10, 2018 (edited) Olivetree, He is single. For some context, typically at work we walk to our different destinations together (there are many different buildings that we have to goto throughout the day), he comes to my desk and chats with me, we sometimes eat lunch together and he has even bought me food when we were working late on something. But, this is in an environment where he is comfortable and he doesn't have to see certain people who work for the same organization that may judge him for his feelings for me. Moreover, who knows how it would affect the way people in the organization looked at him because of it. I am sure he is concerned about this too. I also just want to note that I am in my 30's and he is older than me. So, we are both mature. From my point of view, I think we both have genuine feelings for one another. But of course, I don't know exactly how he feels because we have never spoken about it to each other. Perhaps he does have feelings for me but merely enjoys my company? Edited December 10, 2018 by JanuaryAquarian
alphamale Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 But of course, I don't know exactly how he feels because we have never spoken about it to each other. Perhaps he does have feelings for me but merely enjoys my company? maybe he has a habit of dating younger women in the company and all the employees know about it except for you?
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 It is possible alphamale, thanks. I will remain cautious to ensure that all intentions are good.
Sarah_Smiles Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Could he be dating someone else from your work and doesn't want it to get around you and him are friendly so he kept your interactions at the work Christmas party to the bare minimum? Can you confront him and ask him why he was acting so strange around you, and hope he gives you an honest reason why back.
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 (edited) Sarah_smiles, this is also a possibility. However, I've seen no indication of him seeing anyone else at work. But, this may be kept a secret. I can say that I certainly didn't see him chatting up any other women at the party. He of course was talking with colleagues but they are all coupled, and their partners were present. In terms of other female subordinates at the party who are single, I didn't see him talking to any of them. But I think you are right to say that he was trying to keep our interactions at the party to minimum. The question is why? We are certainly allowed to talk to each other. We don't ever really flirt. We are typically just really nice to each other and open to conversation. This is why I think that his odd behaviour may be an indication that he really likes me and was freaking out a bit because he feared that others who may judge him would notice. But, there is also a chance, as you indicated, that there is something going on that I don't know about. So thank you for helping me to remain open to the possibilities of what may be going on here. Or maybe as others are saying, he realizes that we like each other and is just now drawing a boundary, wanting to keep it entirely professional. Which is fine. I can understand that. I am not pushing him to treat me otherwise in any way. At least not intentionally, and if I am giving him that impression then I do not mean to. In terms of talking to him about it, because he is a superior of mine, I don't think I ever could! Which is why I am here. So I have people to talk to about it. Edited December 11, 2018 by JanuaryAquarian 1
alphamale Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 (edited) other matters aside, how was the party? Edited December 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Redact full quote of immediately preceding post
Sarah_Smiles Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 @JanuaryAquarian I only say because only other reason to me would be there is a company policy about fraternizing/dating coworkers? His true self came out after a few drinks in and you saw that because he acknowledged you more but if this kind was any kind of clued in he would have noticed you were bothered by how he was acting with you. Yes, I agree with you in your second paragraph -Maybe his feelings run deeper for you than you know and he is scared others might be able to pick up on it too, so the best way to avoid that at work is to stay at arm's length away and not be too friendly. What if he asked you about that Christmas party would you tell him then? It is good to get all sorts of ideas off others since you cannot talk with him and why something someone here says might click as to his weird interaction at that party. 1
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 Yes, I'm sure at least it is discouraged to date subordinates in this line of work. I haven't thought of it that way - that his true colours came out when he had a few drinks and showed that he wanted to talk with me. I felt confused in the moment and didn't understand why he had to get tipsy to talk to me or why he was avoiding me and I hope I didn't hurt him by responding the way I did. It is a difficult situation. As I said, I am aware that I like him. However, I do not pursue him because I don't want to cross a line myself. If things were different, I am sure we would both be more open about our interest in each other. These are the woes of liking someone in a professional environment :| But I can't help wondering what he feels for me... If he asked me about the party, I am not sure I would bring it up. Again, I am also afraid of crossing a line. I don't want him to be uncomfortable considering we have to work together, and I am fully aware of the taboo of us dating. Do you think this is reasonable?
olivetree Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 I think you need to figure out if you're okay with crossing the professional line and the possible repercussions that could come with that - if you were successful or to break up. If you decide you accept the consequences of dating your superior, then give him the green light. If he doesn't make a move, you can move on.
Author JanuaryAquarian Posted December 12, 2018 Author Posted December 12, 2018 olivetree, yes, I think you are right. I do really like him. More than I've liked someone for a while. But, I also know that I do not know him very well in contexts other than work. I do not want to pursue him unless I know that it is worth the risk, and that will take time to know. I wonder if my reaction to him that night was right. I was put off by his behaviour and it likely showed. Was I being too judgemental, considering, in retrospect, I think he was just really nervous? I reacted by losing interest in the conversation to be honest. Not purposefully, but I just would have preferred to talk to him when he was sober, because I felt like he wasn't himself. So I stopped talking and slowly made my way out of the conversation. He was trying to make me laugh at one point and made a joke, but I didn't laugh because of how I was feeling. How do you react when you think that someone is not being their self. I don't want to shame him. I am not perfect. I do feel like I was being honest in my reaction to his behaviour. But, I'm not sure that that was the most supportive reaction in a moment where he was clearly feeling vulnerable. I see that now. But at the time, I was just confused and didn't know what was going on with him.
olivetree Posted December 12, 2018 Posted December 12, 2018 I would just let the whole work party thing go and not analyze it too much. He was clearly uncomfortable and didn't handle it well. It's an awkward position if he has feelings for you and is around coworkers. I also don't blame you for feeling put off. You say you want to know if he's worth it, but it's a hard to tell over work lunches where you're acting professional, isn't it? He has already shown he is more cautious at work. I think you need to spend a bit of time outside of work just being yourselves to see if he is relationship material. You don't need to jump into a relationship, just get to know each other. 1
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