I secretly despise that the guy I'm dating is a single father. Should I call it quits

[Indigo.Cranes]

I'm glad that you found a place to vent although it should be with a therapist. But to be clear, he is not your soulmate, assuming those exist. A soulmate doesn't covet someone so much that they wish death on previous relationships. A soulmate would look at a child of the one they love as a part of him. A soulmate would not harbor such resentment that it would be impossible to ever keep it under wraps. A soulmate would love and understand the mistakes a person makes.

 

I didn't read every entry but I did read that you were (or are) a virgin. If you have not slept with him, what you are experiencing is the emotional equivalent of what his ex did physically. So close your emotional legs as you wished she had done physically and move on. Take solace in the fact that this dangerous level of vileness that you exhibit cannot spring from true, meaningful love but only from selfish, self-reflected coveting. And maybe in time, with therapy, you'll be able to find someone who does not engender such resentment in you.

 

That's not for you to say though. You can have your own ideas of what a soulmate should and shouldn't be but they're just your ideas, feelings, and opinions. I mean...unless you're some official soulmate conductor, I don't know why I should ignore all of our amazing chemistry and time together just to adopt your belief.

[Indigo.Cranes]

If she melts your heart then embrace that and let the rest go.

 

Little kids just want your love and acceptance.

If you treat her that way, I bet she would come to adore you.

 

She can love her mother and she can love you too.

No one has finite space in their heart.

 

Awwwh, thank you for that. He invited me over last night while she was asleep

[stillafool]

 

And the otlver the top dramatics screams immaturity. This man isnt your soulmate. And I'm a Sag, too... and I cannot relate to any part of any of your posts.[]

 

All the Sag women I know love kids even those without them. They are also some of the best mothers, at least the ones I know. Very protective and giving. Wonderful cooks.

[Indigo.Cranes]

She doesn't need therapy she just needs to avoid dating single Dads...

 

Thanks, love. Although I do think the world would be a much more chill place if there was mandatory therapy for everyone

[Indigo.Cranes]

You are correct and that is why people in general who feel this way do not date or get exclusive with single parents.

 

Yeah...thanks for pointing me in the direction of the logical route

[Indigo.Cranes]

Being honest about your feelings doesn't make you right for this man or vice versa. Your issue is your prerogative; however, this man has a child and there is no way to turn back the time to make it not so. Given your resentment to this child and woman you have never met, it is best to move forward. It doesn't sound as this is a very serious relationship if you have not met the child just yet. Doesn't sound like much time has been wasted.

 

And the otlver the top dramatics screams immaturity. This man isnt your soulmate. And I'm a Sag, too... and I cannot relate to any part of any of your posts.[]

 

Lol!! We can thank good ole Kentucky bourbon for my over the top dramatics! I woke up looking so crazy, my reflection startled me

 

I resent the mother, not the child. And I resent his irresponsibility. Thanks for the dose of reality

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Thanks, love. Although I do think the world would be a much more chill place if there was mandatory therapy for everyone

 

Hear, hear!

[Indigo.Cranes]

I would like to give a big thanks to everyone who really stuck through to help me navigate through all this. �� You're the true MVP!!!

 

I have officially arrived at a decision...

 

I am going to have my fun with him but he is disqualified from anything serious because I've worked too hard at my life to end up having very little say in the way it looks because he wanted to treat his reproductive organ like a toy. I will remain firm that I do not want to meet his child unless things get serious but secretly make damn sure things NEVER get serious. I got the best ugly Christmas sweater for his company party...

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[BaileyB]

I have officially arrived at a decision...

 

I am going to have my fun with him but he is disqualified from anything serious because I've worked too hard at my life to end up having very little say in the way it looks because he wanted to treat his reproductive organ like a toy. I will remain firm that I do not want to meet his child unless things get serious but secretly make damn sure things NEVER get serious.

 

Well then, as long as you have your fun...

 

Seriously, just because you don’t agree with his decision to have a child with another woman doesn’t mean that he decided to “treat his reproductive organ like a toy” as you so casually and dismissively put it.

 

If you are not interested in having a serious relationship with this man (and his child), that’s fine. You should really let him off the hook - or at least let him know how you really feel - so that he can make an informed decision to find someone who treats him and his child with some respect and doesn’t waste any more time with you...

[Indigo.Cranes]

Well then, as long as you have your fun...

 

Seriously, just because you don’t agree with his decision to have a child with another woman doesn’t mean that he decided to “treat his reproductive organ like a toy” as you so casually and dismissively put it.

 

If you are not interested in having a serious relationship with this man (and his child), that’s fine. You should really let him off the hook - or at least let him know how you really feel - so that he can make an informed decision to find someone who treats him and his child with some respect and doesn’t waste any more time with you...

 

I don't want to treat his child like anything. We are not serious as of 20 minutes ago. He agrees that I should not meet his child unless we are serious and considering my upcoming move, I can probably prevent the connection from getting too serious. All that drunken love nonsense I went on a tangent about is going with me to the grave.

 

You all have graciously helped me see that hell would have to freeze over then start melting before I would EVER accept a man who is "tied to his ex" and have my life soiled by the inconviences of their reckless, irresponsible, self-centered, past choices. There's no way I'm going to make a man my number one priority while his expletive (starts with an f and ends with an ing) ex still gets an open door and a huge chunk of his heart. I deserve better than that mess.

 

He can be a fling; that's the most he's elligible for with what he made out of his life.

[chillii]

Yep he needs to know you aren't in this up front he's got enough problems.

And the trouble is too, if it's what you think it is between you feelings will grow fast and you'll both end up between an emotional rock and a hard place.

That's not usually the stuff you can just have fun with.

[Indigo.Cranes]

Yep he needs to know you aren't in this up front he's got enough problems.

And the trouble is too, if it's what you think it is between you feelings will grow fast and you'll both end up between an emotional rock and a hard place.

That's not usually the stuff you can just have fun with.

 

I cannot accept a life where there are endless ruminants of my lover's ex controlling, limiting, and morphing our time together. It will be problematic, burdensome, and tiresome. Therefore I'll just keep pretending it's not serious so I never have to meet his child. I'll be moving soon anyway.

 

===============

 

He can never be embraced in my heart like that if his ex is tied to him. And she is. The thought sincerely disgusts me. So, fling it is!

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[basil67]

I cannot accept a life where there are endless ruminants of my lover's ex controlling, limiting, and morphing our time together. It will be problematic, burdensome, and tiresome. Therefore I'll just keep pretending it's not serious so I never have to meet his child. I'll be moving soon anyway.

 

===============

 

He can never be embraced in my heart like that if his ex is tied to him. And she is. The thought sincerely disgusts me. So, fling it is!

 

Indigo, what is the ex doing which controls, limits and morphs your time together? Forgive me if I've not read carefully enough, but I haven't seen where she's done anything to sabotage your relationship. Nor have I seen anything to indicate your b/f is emotionally tied to her.

 

I have seen your own preconceived ideas sabotaging the relationship, but that is a different story. And completely your own choice.

Edited December 12, 2018 by basil67

[elaine567]

Indigo, what is the ex doing which controls, limits and morphs your time together? Forgive me if I've not read carefully enough, but I haven't seen where she's done anything to sabotage your relationship. Nor have I seen anything to indicate your b/f is emotionally tied to her.

 

I have seen your own preconceived ideas sabotaging the relationship, but that is a different story. And completely your own choice.

 

Apparently the ex is in daily contact and messes up their romantic outings by having a need for the bf to tend to the child and their plans are thus ruined.

She has a financial hold on the bf too, which also rankles.

 

I think daily contact with the ex is perhaps more than some have to tolerate but this is what co-parenting entails, if you don't like the heat stay out of the kitchen. He sounds like he is doing his best to be an involved father.

If you want a man to be 100% devoted to you, then you need to avoid single Dads like the plague.

I think as you are now deciding to demote him to "a fling" then perhaps you need to tell him that upfront asap.

The man is not deserving of your "revenge". He is just a single Dad trying to make the best of the situation. It is not his fault, YOU decided to get pee'd off with his ex and his kid and his life choices...

[2much4]

Honestly, you're wasting that mans time. You should tell this guy he's been demoted to a "fling"... What kind of guy wants a "fling" without any sex involved? That sounds like a bad joke.

There's absolutely nothing in it for him unless he's lonely and kinda desperate.

 

You're judging your boyfriend for having had a casual relationship with his kids mom, but you're doing exactly the same!! That's such a double standard.

The only difference is you're keeping your legs closed, but that really doesn't make any difference from a moral point of view.

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
rude

[losangelena]

I am also wondering how one has a fling without having sex. OP, are you planning on getting physical with this dude? Don’t forget the condoms if you do!

[2much4]

I am also wondering how one has a fling without having sex.

That probably involves the guy having to spend tons of cash on nights out, telling her how beautiful she is, playing armchair psychologist and getting nothing in return lol

[Mrs._December]

I also mentioned several times in several ways that he was foolish for playing around with procreation with a woman he only wanted in his life for a small amount of time.

I agree. He was a selfish, irresponsible fool.

 

But you can't WISH it away. What's done is done and for better or worse, the guy comes with an ex and a kid.

 

I avoided men with kids like the plague when I was dating. You knew the kid was a deal-breaker from day #1, so why did you choose to go forward with him anyway when you KNEW it was a deal-breaker? The only one you should be angry with is yourself.

[anika99]

OP it sounds like you have pretty high standards and strong morals which is awesome if that's fulfilling to you. However the rest of the world doesn't have to live by your standards or uphold your morals for your happiness. The responsibility for staying true to your principles falls squarely on you.

 

How ridiculous it is to loathe a woman and a child you don't even know just because they offend your standards. You are not being held in this relationship at gunpoint so just walk away. Everyone has their own inner judgements and standards so you are not a bad person for not wanting a man who already has a child, plenty of people feel that way. Where your behaviour is questionable is your continued involvement with a man who has lived a life that you feel is beneath you. I don't ever want to be involved with a substance abuser, therefore I will never date a known addict. How dumb would it be for me to date a crackhead and then seethe in self righteous anger and judgement because the guy is exactly what I already knew he was and didn't want?

 

If this guy's life and past is so offensive to you then you are free to leave. You would be doing yourself and everyone else involved a huge favor by just walking away. You don't really love this guy, you are just infatuated with him and because of some strong chemistry between the two of you, you have projected your image of the perfect man upon him. He is not the perfect Prince Charming you imagine him to be. You were fine before you knew him and you will be fine without him so walk away and find someone more suitable for yourself.

[anika99]

Sorry, I just read your latest post where you now say you are just going to have fun with this man but rule him out for anything serious. That's fine but I hope you are being honest with him about this. He may be dating in hopes of finding a lifetime mate and so the sooner you let him know that you will never be that person, the better. He may still want to see you too, just for fun and friendship while still looking for his one and only, but honesty is always the best policy.

 

Also be sure you are being honest with yourself. Given what you have written about this guy being your soulmate and the chemistry you have with him, do you truly think you will be able to just walk away after a bit of fun? Or will you just become more ensnared in the relationship while your resentment of his child just grows deeper and stronger?

[Indigo.Cranes]

I am also wondering how one has a fling without having sex. OP, are you planning on getting physical with this dude? Don’t forget the condoms if you do!

 

I guess we'll all find out!!

 

Oh I won't !! I'll have him put on triple layer condoms just in case the 1st & 2nd rip!

 

---------------------

 

And he's going to be on birth control, I'm going to be on birth control, AND I'll chart my ovulation meticulously, that peen will be no where near when ovulating!

 

 

Those swimmers are getting nowhere near my uterus!!! (Because I'm not having sex with him to begin with )

Edited December 12, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[Indigo.Cranes]

That probably involves the guy having to spend tons of cash on nights out, telling her how beautiful she is, playing armchair psychologist and getting nothing in return lol

 

Lol! Nah, actually emotional flings are very real and very fun! It's not all that far off if two people have their own sets of hobbies and interests that intersect well with another. And I could list off at least about 100 inexpensive dates that can still be enjoyable and memorable. Community oriented stuff for one, i.e. " So & so is performing Friday. Let's go support and get a bite to eat." Offering to split the bill or pay the tip seems to go a long way, even if the guy won't let you.

 

There's still some physical aspect with affection, hot oil massage nights, foot baths/foot massages, and loads of creative, sexual, FUN ways to tease & work around virginity. If the shared emotional component is sturdy enough, I've found it can work as some sort of glue even without sex. This isn't my first sexless radio, folks !!

[Indigo.Cranes]

I agree. He was a selfish, irresponsible fool.

 

But you can't WISH it away. What's done is done and for better or worse, the guy comes with an ex and a kid.

 

I avoided men with kids like the plague when I was dating. You knew the kid was a deal-breaker from day #1, so why did you choose to go forward with him anyway when you KNEW it was a deal-breaker? The only one you should be angry with is yourself.

 

You're right, you're right. We can't just shove her back in there!!

 

I chose to kinda sorta go foward because the chemistry was so irresistible from the first minute we sat down together and not just physically, on an emotional, spiritual level. Even just the uncanny way our prior life journeys were so parallel decades before we ever met. Lotsa familial coincidences. There is no denying that our connection is something special and rare, I couldn't just not explore it even just a little bit. When he is around, it's literally like trying to push against a magnet...it doesn't feel possible for long. Which makes this move superb timing, yeah?

 

Not angry. My heart would have always wondered...

[Indigo.Cranes]

Apparently the ex is in daily contact and messes up their romantic outings by having a need for the bf to tend to the child and their plans are thus ruined.

She has a financial hold on the bf too, which also rankles.

 

I think daily contact with the ex is perhaps more than some have to tolerate but this is what co-parenting entails, if you don't like the heat stay out of the kitchen. He sounds like he is doing his best to be an involved father.

If you want a man to be 100% devoted to you, then you need to avoid single Dads like the plague.

I think as you are now deciding to demote him to "a fling" then perhaps you need to tell him that upfront asap.

The man is not deserving of your "revenge". He is just a single Dad trying to make the best of the situation. It is not his fault, YOU decided to get pee'd off with his ex and his kid and his life choices...

 

But the chemistry tho!

 

I've dated enough to know that this thang with him is rare. Almost unattainable now days. I get the logic you're speaking is the sensible route but it's like asking a wanderer to walk away from a gleaming treasure chest brimmed with a golden dynamic, full of unimaginable potential and inconceivable uniqueness. How was I supposed to just stumble on such a thing and not basque in the glory of it all even for just a few moments or resist the urge to get a closer look??

[NuevoYorko]

You seem very invested in what other people do with their "reproductive organs." Interesting.

 

Also, you might want to step far away from your moral high ground sometime soon. People had sex and it resulted in a child. You are disgusted by this, which is up to you, but where are you finding justification to use a man for your "fun"? A few posts ago he was your "soul mate."

 

If this is how you treat people you supposedly care about - it's a good thing for this man that the unassailable deal breaker of his fatherhood is in place.