I secretly despise that the guy I'm dating is a single father. Should I call it quits

December 10, 2018

I understand not wanting to raise someone else's child and deal with exes, but if you're going to choose to be in that situation (as a potential step-parent) you have to do so wholeheartedly and with a great deal of acceptance.

As a stepchild of a man who clearly did not want me around, I think it's best you walk away.

It is an awful situation for a child to feel unwanted by no fault of her own, and very difficult for everyone else involved.

December 10, 2018

It isn't that complicated.

Some people are equipped to be loving and accepting step parents and some people are not.

If you are not, it is ok.

You are not.

So move on.

Simple.

My friend of 4 kids met few years back after his divorce , she is taking care of them since years , she is happy and recently got her child added.

She is a giver

No fingers pointing , it if a fact , you are not a giver , but not saying this is bad ,

You are yourself.

December 10, 2018

Thank you much, Mr. William and thank you as well to everyone who's being so incredibly helpful! I believe this mess was destined for many childless people and single parents to gain insight and perspective from. I will be back promptly when I have time to construct thorough replies.

I'm going to guess that the majority of childless people who CHOOSE to have relationships with people with kids don't feel the feelings you do. Maybe a tiny bit of resentment, or needing to sort out priorities and/or wishing at moments things were different but nothing near the level or scope of the way you feel & hostility. Also you do have a choice. Go choose someone that doesn't have kids and doesn't want them and shares your viewpoint. I respectfully disagree that you speak for these groups or are sparking a healthy debate. I think your perspective is warped and an outlier at best. Common sense is just that if this guy is your guy, you accept him, his choices and family or move on. Not hold in a ton of rage and resentment against an innocent (person) or the object of your affection. Just saying.

December 10, 2018

Stop seeing this guy immediately.

It doesn't matter if you would never actually say what you're expressing. The fact that you feel it is what matters. You are absolutely entitled to your feelings, but be a responsible grownup and realize those feelings negate any possibility of a happy future with this man.

Your feelings will most definitely become apparent to him at some point. The depth and strength of what you're feeling cannot be hidden for long.

It sounds like you have a passionate crush on your fantasy of what this guy is. You hate the reality of a major defining part of his life. That's not love and it's not something sustainable. When your crush dies - and it will - you'll only be left with your disgust and lack of respect for him.

He most definitely would be appalled if he read your posts and any feeling he has for you would die quickly. Again (1) it doesn't matter that you would never SAY them out loud, and (2) those feelings will be apparent to him at some point.

In the future do not date men who have children. Don't even think twice about them. Move along.

December 10, 2018

It broke my heart reading about so much hate for something they have no control over...but OP you do. You can make the choice to never date anyone that shares a child with another woman if this is how it makes you feel. It is you that can decide your destiny and to find true happiness...For now you are creating your own misery by choosing the be with this man. No one is holding a gun to your head.

December 10, 2018

I'm going to guess that the majority of childless people who CHOOSE to have relationships with people with kids don't feel the feelings you do. Maybe a tiny bit of resentment, or needing to sort out priorities and/or wishing at moments things were different but nothing near the level or scope of the way you feel & hostility. Also you do have a choice. Go choose someone that doesn't have kids and doesn't want them and shares your viewpoint. I respectfully disagree that you speak for these groups or are sparking a healthy debate. I think your perspective is warped and an outlier at best. Common sense is just that if this guy is your guy, you accept him, his choices and family or move on. Not hold in a ton of rage and resentment against an innocent (person) or the object of your affection. Just saying.

Well, my dear ....it kinda appears from the amount of likes on the most that quite the number of childless people relate on some level. Perhaps not as intense but the heart does what it wants to. If the heart wants to feel cheated out of a certain type of romantic experience then that's just the pure truth.

It's easy to just say "Go choose someone else" without knowing how what I've chose makes this man uniquely desirable for my journey. It's not like shoe shopping where I can just go find another, better pair. Soul connections don't come along often.

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I never said that my goal here was to speak for the group of childless people or spark a debate. My goal here was to simply vent, let it all out, and gain some logical, reasonable, value perspectives. Period. I'm not trying to speak for a group of literally THOUSANDS of strangers or debate about whether or not some children were concieved out of blind foolishness.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

December 10, 2018

If the heart wants to feel cheated out of a certain type of romantic experience then that's just the pure truth.

It's easy to just say "Go choose someone else" without knowing how what I've chose makes this man uniquely desirable for my journey. It's not like shoe shopping where I can just go find another, better pair. Soul connections don't come along often.
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You're making yourself sound like a victim by feeling "cheated".

Making yourself a victim only makes you miserable.

As soon as you found out he had a child you should have left.

Honestly, the only victim in this situation would be the child if you choose to stay and hate her.

December 10, 2018

It's easy to just say "Go choose someone else" without knowing how what I've chose makes this man uniquely desirable for my journey.

This is why you come off as entitled.

What about his journey?

What about his child's journey?

You said you don't mind reality checks.

Consider this one.

December 10, 2018

LMAO could I have been any more dramatic!? Someone sign the drunken version of myself up for the nearest play!!!

LOL! This made me laugh because I was thinking last night, "she must be a little drunk!" Glad you're a little more grounded about it while sober .

December 10, 2018

Soul connections don't come along often.

But when a soul connection does along, despising their life situation isn't part of the deal. A true connection has acceptance of their life and all that comes with it.

December 10, 2018

Thank you much, Mr. William and thank you as well to everyone who's being so incredibly helpful! I believe this mess was destined for many childless people and single parents to gain insight and perspective from. I will be back promptly when I have time to construct thorough replies.

your words above ^^^ unless i am misunderstanding what you mean. It's all a bit melodramatic to be honest.

And is the same blind foolishness that caused your boyfriend to be in this "mess" the same type that is causing you to bury your head in the sand believing that someone is your soulmate when your harbor these feelings about their life and family?? If he wasn't up to the responsibility of being a dad and involved in his child, he'd just bail--lots of people do that. You just seem unwilling to convince yourself otherwise. The night that he had sex to result in his child might have been a mistake but his continued involvement is a choice. You could support it, you know, like a good girlfriend.

Anyway, don't feel like i'm going to get anywhere by continuing to comment since your views are off the spectrum. But good luck with making this dream soulmate a good relationship.

December 10, 2018

Well, my dear ��....it kinda appears from the amount of likes on the most that quite the number of childless people relate on some level.

Childless person here, dating a man who has an ex-wife and a child.

In absolutely no way do I agree with the things you have said in this discussion about this woman and her child. In fact, I encourage this child to have a good relationship with his mother and support my partner as he parents his child. I feel privileged to be a part of their lives.

You are in no way entitled to fall in love with a man who has been in another relationship or has a child. With this attitude, I’m amazed that he would consider you a worthy or acceptable partner.

Edited December 10, 2018 by BaileyB

December 11, 2018

But the way we connect is soooo special and unique!! I have dated all sorts of men and despite all of their lovely, fruitful strengths, this guy has shown me the best. After just ten minutes of sitting down with him, I knew in my heart that I could make a husband out of him. We both spoke/felt the word love within month one. He's one of those presences you just can't help but treasure, it's just he made long term foolish choices before we found each other

When you feel that way before you even know someone, it is usually because you are assuming that he matches the "ideal in your head" and are projecting qualities onto someone you don't know yet. He's also the guy who it sounds like is just as involved if not more so with his ex-wife when he doesn't have to be.

Courts can even appoint mediators so they never have to see each other. Certainly, if he continues to let her derail your plans, it's going to get old. Now, I don't know who is derailing whose plans, mind you. Maybe he's the one asking special favors of her or got it started.

They even have email forums where all communications are kept and can't be deleted and can be monitored for couples who the court will tell not to contact each other any other way unless it's a dire emergency like an accident to keep someone from harassing their ex. Thing is, if he cared, he'd be making her follow court orders and the whole thing would be structured -- or if he hasn't, he'd go get it all formalized if they never have.

A friend of mine has an ex who derails every big plan he ever makes, especially if he's going with his girlfriend.

December 11, 2018

I'm going to guess that the majority of childless people who CHOOSE to have relationships with people with kids don't feel the feelings you do. Maybe a tiny bit of resentment, or needing to sort out priorities and/or wishing at moments things were different but nothing near the level or scope of the way you feel & hostility.

It's been years since the relationship ended, but the children of my ex remain one of the best things that ever happened to me. As a childless guy who had never dated a single mother, it was a huge adjustment and I understand your mileage will vary. It was one of the most challenging things I ever did, but in a lot of ways, it paled in comparison to the challenge of continuing my life without them after the breakup.

December 11, 2018

This is quite disturbing to read. Especially as a new single mom. I fear my kids will have to deal with a woman who feels this way towards them. But tries to hide it to keep "her" man. It is extremely scary that someone feels this way towards a child of a man they supposedly loves.

OP, if this is the way you feel, then nope, he isnt your soul mate. He wouldnt have a child if he was....

December 11, 2018

OP, how old are you? How long have you been dating this man, and how old is he?

December 11, 2018

This is quite disturbing to read. Especially as a new single mom. I fear my kids will have to deal with a woman who feels this way towards them. But tries to hide it to keep "her" man. It is extremely scary that someone feels this way towards a child of a man they supposedly loves.

OP, if this is the way you feel, then nope, he isnt your soul mate. He wouldnt have a child if he was....

This is the reason why I don't want to have kids if I'm not sure about the person. Of course people can change, but if I'm not sure in the first place, I don't want to have to deal with an ex and their crazy actions and the people they associate with. And to make a kid's life potentially suffer too.

December 11, 2018

This is the reason why I don't want to have kids if I'm not sure about the person. Of course people can change, but if I'm not sure in the first place, I don't want to have to deal with an ex and their crazy actions and the people they associate with. And to make a kid's life potentially suffer too.

It is definitely something to be terrified about. Unfortunately, even being serious about someone.... and being married for 20 years... doesnt always mean its forever. So now I am in position that I was always scared to be in for my kids. As I was a step kid, too.

December 11, 2018

Such extreme resentment for someone who dared to have a previous relationship which resulted in a child?

Such extreme desire for a man you've never had sex with, about whom you won't disclose the length of the relationship, won't go into any details about what specifically makes him your "soulmate?" (unless I missed it).

You call his ex a "sorry excuse for a woman" for acting on impulsive desire, and yet here you are, impulsively fighting for a relationship that will presumably become toxic, given how you feel about the whole thing. So what does that make you?

I've vented online before, but in all honesty, I see this as something beyond your inner grievances laid bare. In addition to an immediate breakup, I would look a little more into why this situation is evoking such a strong reaction, because personally, while I can understand where the resentment might be coming from, it's the level of resentment that does not seem healthy. Even if it's something you've been dying to get off your chest.

Edited December 11, 2018 by frankspeci

December 11, 2018

This is why you come off as entitled.

What about his journey?
What about his child's journey?

You said you don't mind reality checks.
Consider this one.

Hey, love. Maybe I'm too mica in my feelings atm to truly, deeply process their feelings. It is a great shock/hurt to my heart to be in this situation and that's going to occupy my primary emotional attention for now. At least I'm honest.

I don't know how to intellectually embrace his child. Embracing her as if she was my own seems too risky. Too emotionally dangerous. I have no legal, long term claim to her. We are susceptible to build a bond than can be snatched away at any random notice. Who wise wants that??

December 11, 2018

This is why you come off as entitled.

What about his journey?
What about his child's journey?

You said you don't mind reality checks.
Consider this one.

Say I meet that child...and the sight of her makes my heart drop. Say her cheerful smile in her daddy's arms makes all my fiery, Sagittarian, b*tchiness instantly melt...she will never truly be mine to cherish and adorn. Not according to law. Not according to biological logic. Not according to the basic, expected process of parenting. She has a mother. She has an integral influence that dominates her every psychological move. Am I supposed to just play the disappointing role of a hopeful step-mommy? Am I supposed to just wait on the sidelines hoping that my caring, warm, generous nature can override a plausible blind loyalty to her own mother/life-giver??

There are people who don't break away from their life-giver's incorrect, toxic, dominating personality ripple effect for DECADES for the simple fact that so many wonderous, positive hormones were traded and ingested amongst each other....What kind of reality could that create for me

I am just being sincere about the sheer, problematic level of anxiety this all could create....

December 11, 2018

Im saying this as a daughter of divorced parents, who had to deal with her father's girlfriends - please leave this guy. I remember one of his girlfriend resenting me solely because I look like my mother and her own nightmares about my mother attacking her. She has made my dad choose and it damaged me during a very vulnerable time of my life. I will never forget the harm done to me. It sounds to me, that you would probably do some harm to an innocent child as well. It does not matter if you're polite in person, my dads girlfriend also were. But human beings have an ability to see through a fake facade and his child won't like you, which will create friction in your relationship.

Even if you think this guy is your soulmate, he will soon realize you aren't his.

Edited December 11, 2018 by Lorenza

December 11, 2018

Hey, love. Maybe I'm too mica in my feelings atm to truly, deeply process their feelings. It is a great shock/hurt to my heart to be in this situation and that's going to occupy my primary emotional attention for now. At least I'm honest.

I don't know how to intellectually embrace his child. Embracing her as if she was my own seems too risky. Too emotionally dangerous. I have no legal, long term claim to her. We are susceptible to build a bond than can be snatched away at any random notice. Who wise wants that??

You should be honest with the guy you’re seeing and not with strangers on the internet. But we’re all telling you the same thing: talk to the guy and leave.

And no you just don’t like the kid. Your earlier posts show such resentment and hatred. Your reasoning now is that no one wise would take the risk of loving a child that you have no legal / biological entitlements to. But at the same nature, you have absolutely no holding on the the kids’ father as well. There are no certainties or guarantees in life but you just take that risk if you think it’s worth it.

It’s definitely not easy to love someone’s else kid as your own but that’s perfectly normal. For most including myself that’s a deal breaker but I wouldn’t waste time hating on the past actions of someone.

December 11, 2018

Say I meet that child...and the sight of her makes my heart drop. Say her cheerful smile in her daddy's arms makes all my fiery, Sagittarian, b*tchiness instantly melt...she will never truly be mine to cherish and adorn. Not according to law. Not according to biological logic. Not according to the basic, expected process of parenting. She has a mother. She has an integral influence that dominates her every psychological move. Am I supposed to just play the disappointing role of a hopeful step-mommy? Am I supposed to just wait on the sidelines hoping that my caring, warm, generous nature can override a plausible blind loyalty to her own mother/life-giver??

There are people who don't break away from their life-giver's incorrect, toxic, dominating personality ripple effect for DECADES for the simple fact that so many wonderous, positive hormones were traded and ingested amongst each other....What kind of reality could that create for me

I am just being sincere about the sheer, problematic level of anxiety this all could create....

No, I think the smartest thing you can do is stay as far away from their precious child as possible. Just deal with the Dad until he finds out who you really are and then it will be over.

December 11, 2018

It's easy to just say "Go choose someone else" without knowing how what I've chose makes this man uniquely desirable for my journey. It's not like shoe shopping where I can just go find another, better pair. Soul connections don't come along often.
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I imagine this is how his child's mother felt too. So you can't blame her. She didn't get pregnant by herself.

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I secretly despise that the guy I'm dating is a single father. Should I call it quits

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