I secretly despise that the guy I'm dating is a single father. Should I call it quits

[RideTheLightening]

And while I understand it's not all about me, I don't think it's fair that my future should consist of cleaning up/managing the ripple effect of a lustful, irresponsible mess of two people who were clearly not meant to obtain more than a momentary spot in another's lives.

During intimate conversations, he has openly, swiftly admitted that he could not see himself making a life partner out of her, building a home with her, loving and wanting her enough to agree to uphold a family unit with her and stand by her through whatever emotional/psychological/spiritual battle which in my humble opinion...MEANS HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN NUTTING INSIDE OF HER ANYWAY. Because now they've created a plausibly very confused human life who's getting cheated out of a solid, stable family unit. It's all just a mess!

 

You have expectations of your future life that don’t match reality. That would likely apply to any future man you marry as well. It is best if you learn to give up the picture of relationship perfection that exists in your dreams and enjoy the reality of what you have.

 

Your guy may need to set better boundaries, but I would guess that if you have children with him, you will see that the hold his X has over him fades rapidly. Babies require more effort and attention.

[Indigo.Cranes]

Your obviously no way gonna be able to keep it up, not a hope in hell , so you may as well get out now and throw some venom in some other direction.

 

l get it , l get what your sayin , and why , l often feel the same about single mothers, but you don't belong in this and what's really scary is the damage that it's gonna do and to who when you pop.

 

Thank you for the honest thoughts.

[Indigo.Cranes]

On further reading of your thread... you don't sound like a very nice person. You come across as entirely self-centered and have not displayed any of the maturity and empathy necessary for a serious relationship, let alone being involved with a kid.

 

You're probably quite young. At least I hope so. The reality is that very few of us get the fairytale life we hoped for as we were growing up. Your boyfriend probably didn't plan to be a single parent. How do you react when other parts of your life don't go according to plan?

 

Nah, brah. It's just my Sagittarius bits: the archer. I took some sips of bourbon, lit that arrow with fire, and aimed in every blunt, truthful direction applicable. I could never say such things out loud because it's kind of an abuse of emotional intelligence. Deep in all three of their hearts, they know my words here (that they'll NEVER hear directly from my mouth) are true; they don't need to hear it in such a monstrous delivery from me or anyone else.

 

He knows he was a fool for creating something so incredibly precious with a momentary female and for choosing longevity with a woman he doesn't actually want in his life for a long time.

 

She knows she's an idiot for not being more delicate with her future and the future of her child. She did not treat her womb like a sacred space and I'm sure she gets reminded of that regularly when she meets a great guy who's face drops as soon as she discloses her ex/child father will always be in the picture.

 

They know it in their spirits and the child will know it when she grows old enough to recognize what true intimacy is and isn't.

 

I would never actually share such thoughts beyond the private anonymity of the internet.

[Indigo.Cranes]

OP, you seem to have some very serious prejudices against single mothers. I suggest you do not date men with children unless maybe they are a widower.

 

Certainly not! There's a whole sea of reasons why women become single mothers. Thanks for your honest insight

[Indigo.Cranes]

You have expectations of your future life that don’t match reality. That would likely apply to any future man you marry as well. It is best if you learn to give up the picture of relationship perfection that exists in your dreams and enjoy the reality of what you have.

 

Your guy may need to set better boundaries, but I would guess that if you have children with him, you will see that the hold his X has over him fades rapidly. Babies require more effort and attention.

 

This honesty was refreshing. THANK YOU! It's possible I need to snap out of my daydreamy, idyllic hopes...

[Indigo.Cranes]

[]I pray karma never comes back at you for this. While you may THINK that you are saving your virginity for the love of your life and will have the "perfect" intact family unit one day...life has a way of turning dreams on their head.

 

[]

 

She looks just like her mother; I cannot stand to see his ex's face on her in a future we're trying to build together. I know it sounds awful, but it's true. How is that deserving of bad karma (karma is my good friend by the way ) for genuinely not wanting any trace of his ex in my future?

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edit quote and redact response thereto

[Blanco]

Would you agree that the ex's identity and presence was like a stain on your romantic future with her??

 

It did not help things, but ultimately, we were not a great fit and it's unlikely we would've made it in the long-run anyway.

[Blanco]

I don't think OP answered the question, but again, I must ask how long the relationship has been going on. Because the general tone sounds very much like a relationship that is still relatively new (a year or less) just based on the intensity in which the OP describes her connection with this guy.

 

It's important for the OP to understand that single dad or not, this degree of intensity of supposed love is neither sustainable or nor necessarily the basis for a truly healthy relationship. It sounds a lot more like infatuation. That the OP finds a major element of her guy's life so repugnant suggests to me that this isn't true, sustainable love she's feeling.

 

Something to consider.

[kendahke]

An adult spitting on an innocent child is reprehensible.

 

If children are a bridge too far, then no matter how much of "soul mate" you think this guy is, he's not yours. Not as long as his precious child is in the picture--and that child has every right to his/her relationship with their father and yes, when it comes to someone their parent is barely dating and barely knows well, they are going to always come first---else the state steps in to wreck shop.

 

The child nor its mother are going to vanish. It doesn't sound like he's going to dissolve them out of his life for you, so you have to figure out if you can deal with this. If you can't, then it's time to bounce. Life is too short for silliness.

Edited December 10, 2018 by kendahke

[elaine567]

I think you are so highly attracted because he gives off the vibes of your perfect man.

He has had the rough edges knocked off him by being in a long term relationship and being a father. He is woman friendly, probably sensitive and listens...

Also these men will quickly slot you into the "wife" spot, so it all seems so cosy and comfortable and you seem so loved and adored. You feel so special and it is thus extra galling that you have to share him with his ex and his child. Unfortunately all this "love" may be misplaced and when he wakes up to realise you are not "the wife" he may dump you unceremoniously to go find the "love of his life" or to play the field... Be careful if you do decide to stay.

 

I do not think that what the OP is saying here is particularly uncommon amongst single women, BUT what usually happens is that single women who think in this way often then decide to avoid dating single Dads.

Don't want a "permanent interfering ex" or kids getting in the way, then stay away from single Dads...

[bathtub-row]

Is this even real?

 

I honestly don't think I have EVER heard anyone spew such venom about a child.

 

If this is real, I pray karma never comes back at you for this. While you may THINK that you are saving your virginity for the love of your life and will have the "perfect" intact family unit one day...life has a way of turning dreams on their head.

 

I have to wonder the same thing. I’ve never heard a woman refer to men in the manner OP did. Very disturbing objectification of men.

Edited December 10, 2018 by bathtub-row

[Indigo.Cranes]

Thank you, love, for your sheer honesty and openness. I had never felt such an encompassing connection. He provided everything emotional that was missing with previous lovers *tears almost escape my eyelids at the thoughts*. He was a treasure box of pure protection, encouragement, support, adventure...

 

It's going to rip me apart to let him go

 

LMAO could I have been any more dramatic!? Someone sign the drunken version of myself up for the nearest play!!!

[DKT3]

Look, dude. There's no kind way to voice that a leftover family presents disharmony, unpredictability, and uncertainty within an eligible, single person's life. I paid my dues so that I could experience a certain type of future. I practiced extreme discipline and self-restraint so that my romantic journey could be smooth sailing and learning that my soulmate is a single parent is like a leak in the ship so pardon my bluntness, I'm just being honest

 

Unfortunately for you, you will never meet a man who didn't exist prior to meeting you. So he will have a past that doesn't fit into your romantic dreams. Honestly this is extremely immature attitude to have.

 

No sane well adjusted man will ever allow his life to revolve around you the way it seems you want your current boyfriend to. So leave or stay you wont find what you're looking for in a healthy relationship.

[Indigo.Cranes]

I have to wonder the same thing. I’ve never heard a woman refer to men in the manner OP did. Very disturbing objectification of men.

 

Nah, that sounds like either a misunderstanding of me or a deliberately misleading, manipulative misrepresentation of me to newcomers. Is there some truth in my words that got under your skin?

[Indigo.Cranes]

An adult spitting on an innocent child is reprehensible.

 

If children are a bridge too far, then no matter how much of "soul mate" you think this guy is, he's not yours. Not as long as his precious child is in the picture--and that child has every right to his/her relationship with their father and yes, when it comes to someone their parent is barely dating and barely knows well, they are going to always come first---else the state steps in to wreck shop.

 

The child nor its mother are going to vanish. It doesn't sound like he's going to dissolve them out of his life for you, so you have to figure out if you can deal with this. If you can't, then it's time to bounce. Life is too short for silliness.

 

Of course that's not my intent. Keep in mind, I would and could never voice or portray these thoughts in real life because I know they are, by nature, cruel. That's why I went so hard in the privacy of the itnerwebs. His child and the mother will never know I feel this way. I absolutely, 100% agree that his child shouldn't be robbed of a fatherly experience because her parents reproduced idiotically. Still disgusts and enrages me to the core that a former lover will come before me after all I've crafted and mapped out through my life to make a life partner #1 priority. That is why so many single dads stay single.

[Indigo.Cranes]

But he's sooooo beautiful

 

And by that I mean from the inside out. A truly beautiful soul. It showed right away before we even got to the spot for our first date. He has the most beautiful actions I have ever seen from any man in this modern era. His physical body is just a bonus

[elaine567]

There is a big difference between a man with a past and a man whose past is right, left and centre in his present.

[stillafool]

Look, dude. There's no kind way to voice that a leftover family presents disharmony, unpredictability, and uncertainty within an eligible, single person's life. I paid my dues so that I could experience a certain type of future. I practiced extreme discipline and self-restraint so that my romantic journey could be smooth sailing and learning that my soulmate is a single parent is like a leak in the ship so pardon my bluntness, I'm just being honest

 

If you really feel this strongly about it why didn't you chose a man who practiced the same discipline and self restraint as you? Why chose a man who has slept around and gotten someone pregnant? It is as much his fault as it is his "baby moma'.

[elaine567]

Of course that's not my intent. Keep in mind, I would and could never voice or portray these thoughts in real life because I know they are, by nature, cruel. That's why I went so hard in the privacy of the itnerwebs. His child and the mother will never know I feel this way. I absolutely, 100% agree that his child shouldn't be robbed of a fatherly experience because her parents reproduced idiotically. Still disgusts and enrages me to the core that a former lover will come before me after all I've crafted and mapped out through my life to make a life partner #1 priority. That is why so many single dads stay single.

 

 

Many single Dads do not remain single though, they find women who are willing to be step parents to their child/children. Many of these women have children of their own or women who are happy taking on a ready made family.

[Versacehottie]

If you really feel this strongly about it why didn't you chose a man who practiced the same discipline and self restraint as you? Why chose a man who has slept around and gotten someone pregnant? It is as much his fault as it is his "baby moma'.

 

Yeah i agree. OP, seems to compartmentalize aspects of her bf in a very extreme manner. Being a dad is a huge component of who he is and the choices he has made. You can't really separate one from the other. The way that you speak so poorly about him, it, and his child, makes me think you need help. I don't think it's normal to feel this much venom. Also if you do, it's very simple, he's not the guy for you. Stop acting like he's a possession that would be "perfect" if you could just get "rid" of his one flaw (who happens to be a person!). The lack of understanding of this person you claim to love and care for is kind of a disgusting reflection of you & manifestation of your thoughts. The fact that you can speak anonymously about it doesn't remove the fact that these thoughts are swirling around in your head--and if you think they aren't seeping out in some way in your real life interactions with them, you're wrong.

[Indigo.Cranes]

I bet my personality makes a lot more sense now that you all know I'm a fire sign, huh? Lol!

[Indigo.Cranes]

Subsequent to Tristian's comments when re-opening the thread, I approved 12 posts from the thread starter so please read back for more content. Thanks!

 

Thank you much, Mr. William and thank you as well to everyone who's being so incredibly helpful! I believe this mess was destined for many childless people and single parents to gain insight and perspective from. I will be back promptly when I have time to construct thorough replies.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

This is every mother's nightmare, that her child will end up with a wicked step-mother/daddy's new girlfriend. Children can easily pick up on hostile vibes directed at them and it's very damaging to their self-esteem. Please do the right thing and end the relationship.

 

P.S. You mentioned the mother didn't have enough self control to keep her legs closed. Have you ever asked HIM why he didn't wear a condom??

[fieldoflavender]

Thank you for sharing your life experience with me. How long did you hang in there? What were the pros of the experience?

 

Just to be clear, I have never spoken those words aloud and my blood alcohol level wasn't its best when constructing those posts. I've been dodging time spent with him bc of this situation. He literally would be the perfect life partner for me if it wasn't for his leftover family. It's gonna hurt my heart for a long time to walk away from him. I'll probably never find better.

 

A few months too long. I said mean things about him and the girl he did some stuff with as well. To be honest, I felt it devalued me because I was with someone who was with someone "dirty".

 

And to this day, I can't respect the gold digging girl he dated but it doesn't matter now anymore since I'm not with him. My views haven't changed, but it doesn't affect me anymore so I don't hate her anymore. The reason I broke up with him was not her fault - I've never met her. The reason was his past bad decision making and lack of ability to change them despite our interactions. And some mistakes in my mind were not forgivable.

 

I just wish I saw it sooner rather than putting me and him both through pain. Ultimately I couldn't get over it - and I just need to break up with him.

 

One day you may realize that being single is fine. You will look for other people who share your values.

 

There is no reason to have yourself tortured over this because you evidently are. And drinking over it is not healthy - it's not going to hide anything.

 

I became someone I couldn't even respect and very mean and belittling during that episode.

 

Now I can recognize it easier and I will simply leave the situation rather than torturing everyone else.

 

We age and mature?

[Trail Blazer]

Everyone is entitled to happiness. You clearly are not and cannot be happy with this man, warts and all. Your relationship with this man in untenable. Do him and his child a favor and bail on the relationship ASAP.