I secretly despise that the guy I'm dating is a single father. Should I call it quits

[Indigo.Cranes]

How long have you been dating? Are you around the child much? If so, what is that relationship like?

 

I told him that I did not want to meet his child unless we were going to pursue a serious, long term relationship. I presented it as primary concern for the child's childhood experience i.e. it being confusing to have another prominent female figure in her life that may not last. But deep down, I'm avoiding it because I worry she is a genealogical, behavioral extension of what I have heard to be, a pathetic, disgusting, piss poor, incompetent excuse for a woman. I don't want that mess in my private space. I don't want to have to worry about some brat dominating the vibe of my private time with my lover based on whether or not I'm compatible with an illegitimate 6 year old child. I'm not trying to play third wheel to a kid unless I know for sure the relationship is going in a serious direction

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[bathtub-row]

For the sake of everyone involved, drop this guy and find a virgin. You won't be able to hide your feelings forever and your bf will come to hate you for it.

[Indigo.Cranes]

How long have you been dating? Are you around the child much? If so, what is that relationship like?

 

I do not want to encounter some pseudo-maternal experience where I am expected to provide the warm nurturing love of a mother with no real, authoritative power if a child is simply out of line or disrespectful. His little girl was bred, created, and is being raised by a foolish woman, selfish enough to subject her own illegitimate child to the same lack of familial stability she went without, dumb enough to risk creating human life in an unstable, unreliable situation with so many forms of contraception, and shady enough to do a whole lot that would take an entirely seperate thread to list. There are legitimate reasons why she was chasing a man who couldn't find it in his heart to view her as life partner material....

 

I want no part of his ex's world. I'm really starting to resent him for nutting inside of her. His sperm had zero standards.

[fieldoflavender]

I don't understand it. If you hate it that much, don't date single fathers.

 

It's a huge deal breaker for me. I can't be a step parent. I'm not even sure if I want to be a parent, no way I'm helping to raise some other person's child.

 

So I don't get myself into these situations.

 

It sounds like it's a deal breaker for you too. He didn't lie to you about it, so you have to make a choice. The kid will come before you. And step parenting sounds pretty terrible to me too, so I mean, seriously just find someone else.

[Blanco]

When you date a single parent, you effectively date their children unless it's just some casual hook-up thing. Not everyone is cut out to date a single parent, and that's fine.

 

But trust me, eventually you'll be able to hold back no longer, and you're gonna let this guy know exactly how you feel. And, assuming he's an even decent parent, he's going to kindly give you your walking papers, because when it comes to your own child versus girlfriends/boyfriends, the former rightfully wins most of the time.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Blanco]

I do not want to encounter some pseudo-maternal experience where I am expected to provide the warm nurturing love of a mother with no real, authoritative power if a child is simply out of line or disrespectful. His little girl was bred, created, and is being raised by a foolish woman, selfish enough to subject her own illegitimate child to the same lack of familial stability she went without, dumb enough to risk creating human life in an unstable, unreliable situation with so many forms of contraception, and shady enough to do a whole lot that would take an entirely seperate thread to list. There are legitimate reasons why she was chasing a man who couldn't find it in his heart to view her as life partner material....

 

I want no part of his ex's world. I'm really starting to resent him for nutting inside of her. His sperm had zero standards.

 

Ooook.

 

How old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

[Indigo.Cranes]

For the sake of everyone involved, drop this guy and find a virgin. You won't be able to hide your feelings forever and your bf will come to hate you for it.

 

Sex is perfectly natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with not being a virgin. There is everything wrong with being so consumed with your genital that you will drag innocent human life into your conundrum knowing d*mn well you and your sexual partner don't have a solid, stable, reliable childhood atmosphere to provide. Knowing that a child is going to absorb all sorts of terrible ideas of intimacy because two grown adults wanted to be lazy with contraception. THAT, my dear, is more f*cked up than my ranting and raving.

 

What makes you feel like he would hate me if he knew the truth about how I feel? Detail would be great

[Blanco]

What makes you feel like he would hate me if he knew the truth about how I feel? Detail would be great

 

Well, resenting his own child's existence probably won't sit well with him, unless he's a sociopath.

[amaysngrace]

Reality Check #2

 

Don’t date Dads.

 

You can blame all these other people for their decisions but at least own yours. You picked him.

 

If you’re stressed and lying to yourself (and him) about how you really feel then it’s a suck-ass relationship you’ve got going on and you’re a half of that so before you start picking apart others for their choices better check yourself.

[Indigo.Cranes]

When you date a single parent, you effectively date their children unless it's just some casual hook-up thing. Not everyone is cut out to date a single parent, and that's fine.

 

But trust me, eventually you'll be able to hold back no longer, and you're gonna let this guy know exactly how you feel. And, assuming he's an even decent parent, he's going to kindly give you your walking papers, because when it comes to your own child versus girlfriends/boyfriends, the former rightfully wins most of the time.

 

NOOOOO!!!! I CANNOT. I will not. I did not jump through hoops making myself an elligible, single woman just to date somebody's 6 year old daughter so that she can give daddy the seal of approval to date me. What kind of woman in their right mind would find that appealing

[Indigo.Cranes]

Well, resenting his own child's existence probably won't sit well with him, unless he's a sociopath.

 

Thank you for talking me through my teary, angry, disappointed mess!!

[Blanco]

NOOOOO!!!! I CANNOT. I will not. I did not jump through hoops making myself an elligible, single woman just to date somebody's 6 year old daughter so that she can give daddy the seal of approval to date me. What kind of woman in their right mind would find that appealing

 

Then break up. The kid isn't going anywhere.

[bathtub-row]

Sex is perfectly natural and healthy. There is nothing wrong with not being a virgin. There is everything wrong with being so consumed with your genital that you will drag innocent human life into your conundrum knowing d*mn well you and your sexual partner don't have a solid, stable, reliable childhood atmosphere to provide. Knowing that a child is going to absorb all sorts of terrible ideas of intimacy because two grown adults wanted to be lazy with contraception. THAT, my dear, is more f*cked up than my ranting and raving.

 

What makes you feel like he would hate me if he knew the truth about how I feel? Detail would be great

 

Because your comments about the situation, his child, and what you imagine your bf and his ex did in bed are pretty descriptive and angry. If your bf knew how much you hated the situation, how much you hated his ex, how much you resented his child, he'd break up with you. With time, your resentment would come through and it would cause him to see you in a different light. The child would also suffer under your judgment and resentment. If you dated a virgin, you wouldn't have to worry about who he's been with, who he did it with, and how it was done.

 

I'm all for being responsible about not getting pregnant but accidents happen. If his ex had planned the whole thing and chased him, etc, as you say - then so be it. I'm sure no one held a gun to your bf's head and he's not a victim here. The only thing I see as a problem is your bf having daily contact with his ex. That's very excessive. If it really is a daily thing, then it probably means your bf doesn't have very good boundaries and this will become a huge issue between the two of you.

 

I guess you already know that you have no guarantee that if you marry and have kids, that your marriage won't fall apart. Then what?

[greymatter]

Walk away. Before he discovers who you really are. No, actually, do him a huge favor and let him know exactly how you feel. So he has insight into the types of thoughts and feelings you are having. Then he can make an informed decision about whether you two belong together and whether he wants someone like you around his child.

[losangelena]

NOOOOO!!!! I CANNOT. I will not. I did not jump through hoops making myself an elligible, single woman just to date somebody's 6 year old daughter so that she can give daddy the seal of approval to date me. What kind of woman in their right mind would find that appealing

 

I think you’ve answered your own thread question here—you should call it quits.

[lana-banana]

This level of contempt and hatred for another human being you've never met is frankly terrifying to me. I don't think I've ever spoken this way about anyone in my entire life, much less a stranger. You will not be able to hide this bone-deep vitriol for long, and when it does come out he is (rightfully) going to decide that someone who cannot maintain a minimum level of respect for his daughter's mother is not a good match. Walk away, for your sake and theirs.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Indigo.Cranes]

Reality Check #2

 

Don’t date Dads.

 

You can blame all these other people for their decisions but at least own yours. You picked him.

 

If you’re stressed and lying to yourself (and him) about how you really feel then it’s a suck-ass relationship you’ve got going on and you’re a half of that so before you start picking apart others for their choices better check yourself.

 

*sighs* I hate to admit how right you are. I'm laying in a puddle of tears.

[Indigo.Cranes]

Walk away. Before he discovers who you really are. No, actually, do him a huge favor and let him know exactly how you feel. So he has insight into the types of thoughts and feelings you are having. Then he can make an informed decision about whether you two belong together and whether he wants someone like you around his child.

 

So based on your slightly passive aggressive undertones, what is it precisely that you're assuming I am...??

[Indigo.Cranes]

I think you’ve answered your own thread question here—you should call it quits.

 

Am I missing something??

What is there that's appealing about having a pseudo mother figure to a child you have no legal rights over, no official authority over, she's a constant reminder of your dude's ex, and she might bring toxic energy from her mommy who's bitter that she couldn't enjoy a real family unit ?? It doesn't all sound like a TRAINWRECK!!!?!! There are women out there who find that position appealing??

 

 

The ONLY reason I'm even typing non-stop is because the chemistry was so special

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Indigo.Cranes]

Well, are you entitled to your feelings. I dated a single mother years ago whose former partner was a good, but very flawed person. I resented him and the challenges he brought forth. I quietly resented how despite his screw-ups, my then girlfriend continued to have his back; I was jealous of the bond they seemed to share; one I felt we didn't have, and would never have.

 

<SNIP>

 

Thank you again for not passing judgment and being patient with my hostile theatrics long enough to share insight. It means a lot that you took the time to open up and detail your own life experience to try and push me in a healthy direction for everyone involved.

 

Would you agree that the ex's identity and presence was like a stain on your romantic future with her??

Edited December 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Indigo.Cranes]

Because your comments about the situation, his child, and what you imagine your bf and his ex did in bed are pretty descriptive and angry. If your bf knew how much you hated the situation, how much you hated his ex, how much you resented his child, he'd break up with you. With time, your resentment would come through and it would cause him to see you in a different light. The child would also suffer under your judgment and resentment. If you dated a virgin, you wouldn't have to worry about who he's been with, who he did it with, and how it was done.

 

I'm all for being responsible about not getting pregnant but accidents happen. If his ex had planned the whole thing and chased him, etc, as you say - then so be it. I'm sure no one held a gun to your bf's head and he's not a victim here. The only thing I see as a problem is your bf having daily contact with his ex. That's very excessive. If it really is a daily thing, then it probably means your bf doesn't have very good boundaries and this will become a huge issue between the two of you.

 

I guess you already know that you have no guarantee that if you marry and have kids, that your marriage won't fall apart. Then what?

 

I don't have an issue with him I other men having explored their sexuality, that's not the problem. Nonetheless, I do greatly respect and value your honesty.

 

I really just wish his ex never existed. I don't know how to not resent her existence and the existence of her child. They are both in the way of what would have surely been some of my life's most lovely, precious moments

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Indigo.Cranes]

I think you’ve answered your own thread question here—you should call it quits.

 

But he's sooooo beautiful

[chillii]

Your obviously no way gonna be able to keep it up, not a hope in hell , so you may as well get out now and throw some venom in some other direction.

 

l get it , l get what your sayin , and why , l often feel the same about single mothers, but you don't belong in this and what's really scary is the damage that it's gonna do and to who when you pop.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Indigo.Cranes]

This level of contempt and hatred for another human being you've never met is frankly terrifying to me. I don't think I've ever spoken this way about anyone in my entire life, much less a stranger. You will not be able to hide this bone-deep vitriol for long, and when it does come out he is (rightfully) going to decide that someone who cannot maintain a minimum level of respect for his daughter's mother is not a good match. Walk away, for your sake and theirs.

 

Nonetheless thank you for your respectful honesty. I am sorry, I would rather his child's mother died in the womb than have been alive to send him that message and end up concieving child. She's in the way. Her child is in the way. Their pseudo "family" is in the way. Then natural loyalty and protection he will feel because she brought his child into this world is in the way. Her womb has been a detriment to my future. I loathe her existence. And I bet you I'm just one of the few childfree women bold enough to admit it

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[lana-banana]

Do you think this about all single mothers?

 

There are plenty of people who date parents, and who are happy to welcome their children into their lives. They don't look "foolish", it's just how life goes sometimes. If you don't want to date a parent that's fine. But there's no point in having so much hatred, period, and especially not for someone you don't know. You don't know anything about her or her motives. All you know is she has a healthy co-parenting relationship with her ex, which is commendable.

 

Honestly I find the insistence on how horrible she is, plus the obsessions with dicks and wombs, to be kind of worrying. You're not going to be able to pretend much longer. Walk away before this ends in an ugly, explosive fight you're guaranteed to lose.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator