I secretly despise that the guy I'm dating is a single father. Should I call it quits

[Indigo.Cranes]

Please pardon the lack of polite pleasantry that is about to ensue. Everything you are about to read has been kept hidden and buried so it's quite the emotional release.

 

I think I finally found my soulmate and I absolutely loathe that he has a child from a previous relationship. I HATE that with his seed, his ex has such achieved such a powerful, meaningful, permanent place in his life forever and that they must communicate on a daily basis to due a shared child. It gets under my skin that a woman he used to screw and love and will probably always love in some way because she's the mother of his child gets an essentially unconditional open door into his life. That if we have a romantic evening planned and his ex has a need according to her schedule, the whole thing can be ruined: she is an ex, a should have been momentary fling with that kind of power over my life and that secretly pisses me off. I can't stand having to see his ex's face around on their child. I abhor that by default, his child's ecxistence leeches off of my future love life and any potential combined financial resources between he and I.

 

I'm starting to feel joint resentment towards he and his ex for not being responsible about creating a family unit with the wrong person at the wrong time. I've held onto my virginity for this long; if I could keep my legs closed for this long, why couldn't his ex? I wish his ex didn't exist or would have taken her lame, mediocre, replaceable romantic pursuits to some other guy (she messaged him on freaking MYSPACE, pursued him mainly, and it's obvious in pictures she's more into him than he is into her). I'm starting to resent him for cheating me out of a proper, 100% fulfilling romantic experience. I HATE that some ex gave him the incredible fathering experience of a child before me. At least if she was a wife and not some temporary, shady lay, I could respect her role as a woman on his journey. I'm starting to understand the archetype of the "evil stepmother" because having to deal with a leftover family after making damn sure I would be an eligible single woman SUCKS. And I may sound heartless or cruel but my soul is really hurting over this situation. Who wants to intertwine their life with a man who's ex is stuck on his journey until a kid turns 18? This is really heartbreaking because our chemistry is truly one of a kind. What should I do? Reality checks are much welcomed.

[DrNo1962]

Does this outweigh all the benefits he brings to the table for you?

 

If so, then yes you should call it quits.

 

The fact that you use such strong language as "despise" tells me there is too much friction for this relationship to work.

[amaysngrace]

Reality Check #1

 

His “seed” as you put it is a person. A small, dependent person who will be better off if he has a father present in his life.

 

It’s not all about you.

[Indigo.Cranes]

I honestly want to cry out of frustration, that's how much I can't stand that his ex is always going to be in the picture and that her child is always going to come before me. I'm secretly pissed that he wasn't more responsible and that he just planted his seed in some chick he had no intention of making a life partner out of. I could respect a futureless, ended marriage or even a widower but this was just two grown folk irresponsibly screwing, conceiving human life out of sleazy, momentary lust, and screwing over any potential soulmates for a quick orgasm.

 

I don't want to have to deal with his child's blind loyalty to her mother (who should have been more wise and responsible with her womb). I don't want to have to deal with having to tip toe around a delicate situation that shouldn't exist and having to outwardly display the utmost respect and honor to the mother of his child who didn't even respect and honor her own womb and journey enough to be responsible with her reproductive system. AND she grew up with a single mother so she should have known better than to drag an innocent human life into such a situation

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[preraph]

Well, number one, if he's letting her contact every day and changing his plans for her, that's on him, because the court can set up a schedule everyone must adhere to and all that communication is unnecessary. So it sounds like he likes it. So that's a problem, yes. Yes, if a child is sick, there's communication. But every day? No.

 

And why should you be saddled with that? Find someone else. I know it's not easy, but sounds like you're young and have options.

[darkmoon]

leave him, I can understand how and why you feel what you do, and I would hate it all too

[Indigo.Cranes]

Does this outweigh all the benefits he brings to the table for you?

 

If so, then yes you should call it quits.

 

The fact that you use such strong language as "despise" tells me there is too much friction for this relationship to work.

 

 

I'm too afraid to find out. Outwardly, I am logically trying to present the demeanor of someone who is understanding, diplomatic, and willing to give it a try. But inwardly, it was an IMMEDIATE dealbreaker because I don't want to experience a woman having 24/7 access into his life and reaping the benefits of his biologicaly protective nature just because she created his firstborn child. It makes my love life real inconvenient.

 

Incredibly strong, supper immediate chemistry is the ONLY reason I'm not gone like the wind

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Indigo.Cranes]

leave him, I can understand how and why you feel what you do, and I would hate it all too

 

I'm crying a whole river!! Thank you so, sooo much for your empathy! I hate to sound heartless and self-centered but this is the ONLY time and space I have revealed my true feelings about the situation. I haven't even addressed it with friends because spoken aloud, it feels like such an unavoidable disrespect to the existence of his legacy.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Indigo.Cranes]

Reality Check #1

 

His “seed” as you put it is a person. A small, dependent person who will be better off if he has a father present in his life.

 

It’s not all about you.

 

Look, dude. There's no kind way to voice that a leftover family presents disharmony, unpredictability, and uncertainty within an eligible, single person's life. I paid my dues so that I could experience a certain type of future. I practiced extreme discipline and self-restraint so that my romantic journey could be smooth sailing and learning that my soulmate is a single parent is like a leak in the ship so pardon my bluntness, I'm just being honest

[Indigo.Cranes]

Reality Check #1

 

His “seed” as you put it is a person. A small, dependent person who will be better off if he has a father present in his life.

 

It’s not all about you.

 

And while I understand it's not all about me, I don't think it's fair that my future should consist of cleaning up/managing the ripple effect of a lustful, irresponsible mess of two people who were clearly not meant to obtain more than a momentary spot in another's lives.

 

During intimate conversations, he has openly, swiftly admitted that he could not see himself making a life partner out of her, building a home with her, loving and wanting her enough to agree to uphold a family unit with her and stand by her through whatever emotional/psychological/spiritual battle which in my humble opinion...MEANS HE SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN NUTTING INSIDE OF HER ANYWAY. Because now they've created a plausibly very confused human life who's getting cheated out of a solid, stable family unit. It's all just a mess!

[khloe]

"I don't think it's fair that my future should consist of cleaning up/managing the ripple effect of a lustful, irresponsible mess of two people who were clearly not meant to obtain more than a momentary spot in another's lives."

 

No one is forcing you to date him though so I'm not sure why you think its unfair like its a situation you have no control over - just leave. You sound really entitled. Like you found a guy you like and are pissed off that his life doesn't meet your expectations. Just break up with him. He doesn't need to be with someone who despises him.

[Indigo.Cranes]

Well, number one, if he's letting her contact every day and changing his plans for her, that's on him, because the court can set up a schedule everyone must adhere to and all that communication is unnecessary. So it sounds like he likes it. So that's a problem, yes. Yes, if a child is sick, there's communication. But every day? No.

 

And why should you be saddled with that? Find someone else. I know it's not easy, but sounds like you're young and have options.

 

But the way we connect is soooo special and unique!! I have dated all sorts of men and despite all of their lovely, fruitful strengths, this guy has shown me the best. After just ten minutes of sitting down with him, I knew in my heart that I could make a husband out of him. We both spoke/felt the word love within month one. He's one of those presences you just can't help but treasure, it's just he made long term foolish choices before we found each other

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

It isn't that complicated.

 

Some people are equipped to be loving and accepting step parents and some people are not.

 

If you are not, it is ok.

 

You are not.

 

So move on.

 

Simple.

[Indigo.Cranes]

"I don't think it's fair that my future should consist of cleaning up/managing the ripple effect of a lustful, irresponsible mess of two people who were clearly not meant to obtain more than a momentary spot in another's lives."

 

No one is forcing you to date him though so I'm not sure why you think its unfair like its a situation you have no control over - just leave. You sound really entitled. Like you found a guy you like and are pissed off that his life doesn't meet your expectations. Just break up with him. He doesn't need to be with someone who despises him.

 

Nah, not entitled, just speaking my truth for the first time. It's not about his life not "meeting my expectations", it's about his former life choices crippling my romantic dreams and possibilities. I don't despise him; I despise that he couldn't be more responsible and wise.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[alphamale]

it's time to move on

[Purepony]

This sounds like it deeply disturbs you. Just do yourself a favor and exit because it’s only going to get more difficult because as kids get older they tend to need more stuff and probably attention.

 

Besides who knows maybe down the line the ex will try to get him back becauee anything’s possible since their tied for life.

 

 

Anything is possible And I actually agree with you because you do make a strong point, he created this situation therefore he doesn’t have too many options but you do

[Gretchen12]

When did you find out he has a child? Before or after you fell in love, and how long did that take? You mentioned a month? He sees the child a lot so I imagine you knew pretty early. What are you gonna do now? You can't travel back in time.

[Indigo.Cranes]

This sounds like it deeply disturbs you. Just do yourself a favor and exit because it’s only going to get more difficult because as kids get older they tend to need more stuff and probably attention.

 

Besides who knows maybe down the line the ex will try to get him back becauee anything’s possible since their tied for life.

 

 

Anything is possible And I actually agree with you because you do make a strong point, he created this situation therefore he doesn’t have too many options but you do

 

Thanks for the honest feedback and for not writing me off for simply considering the wellness of my future. He should have been more responsible (as should she have). He shouldn't have been emptying his seed into a woman he did not deeply want, value, and take seriously enough to solidify a family unit with. Even if she was a former fiancee, my logic could take the reins on my emotions but she was literally just some pathetic, desperate chick from MySpace that he screwed.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Indigo.Cranes]

When did you find out he has a child? Before or after you fell in love, and how long did that take? You mentioned a month? He sees the child a lot so I imagine you knew pretty early. What are you gonna do now? You can't travel back in time.

 

He told me right away. I know it sounds silly but we both felt some sort of level of love immediately. Instant emotional intimacy, intense chemistry, an immediate closeness and natural way of fitting together. There's an archeological picture of a buried skeletal couple and we joke that they were us

 

It is the strangest connection I have ever found...it was like our souls had already explored and discovered another hence a strong familiarity. We fell into mate roles automatically. He would move with me out of state to start a new chapter of our lives if it weren't for his child.

Edited December 10, 2018 by Indigo.Cranes

[Blanco]

Get out. You're entitled to feel that way; dating a single parent is tough and not for everyone.

 

That said, for everyone's sake, get out. The guy shouldn't have to feel guilty for being a father or feel as though he has to pick one or the other (spoiler: If he's not a crappy father, you lose that battle). The child should also not have to feel like someone their father is bringing around loathes their very existence.

[Blanco]

How long have you been dating? Are you around the child much? If so, what is that relationship like?

[Art_Critic]

Get out. You're entitled to feel that way; dating a single parent is tough and not for everyone.

 

That said, for everyone's sake, get out. The guy shouldn't have to feel guilty for being a father or feel as though he has to pick one or the other (spoiler: If he's not a crappy father, you lose that battle). The child should also not have to feel like someone their father is bringing around loathes their very existence.

 

 

I totally agree with every word in this post....

[Indigo.Cranes]

Get out. You're entitled to feel that way; dating a single parent is tough and not for everyone.

 

That said, for everyone's sake, get out. The guy shouldn't have to feel guilty for being a father or feel as though he has to pick one or the other (spoiler: If he's not a crappy father, you lose that battle). The child should also not have to feel like someone their father is bringing around loathes their very existence.

 

Thank you so much for being here. I can't express how much I appreciate you being honest and direct with me.

 

I don't know how not to loathe her existence, her mother was too idiotic to be responsible with her womb after knowing a life without a family unit. She was so self-concerned that she subjected her child to the same time of familial absence her father subjected her to. And I hate seeing her mother's genes on her face, it's a constant reminder that someone so spiritually incompetent is tied to the man I want. It might sound mean but for once (and only) I am speaking from the heart

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Indigo.Cranes]

Honestly, with that much bitterness you should find a guy without children because the guy you have is permanently damaged.

 

It's not bitterness, it's me being blunt and realistic about the damaging ripple effect two horny, irresponsible, self-focused people caused for an innocent child and future partners. Is there some alternate reality I'm outside of where childfree people enjoy that an ex (not even an ex spouse or someone with an honorable presence) is tied to their lover like a cement block?? Do you like the idea of someone who used to deeply want your significant other having an automatic respect/protection/accessibility pass because they irresponsibly breeded an illigetimate child??

 

Sorry if this instensity comes off as projected at you, I have been holding all of this in for a loooong time

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Blanco]

Thank you so much for being here. I can't express how much I appreciate you being honest and direct with me.

 

 

Well, are you entitled to your feelings. I dated a single mother years ago whose former partner was a good, but very flawed person. I resented him and the challenges he brought forth. I quietly resented how despite his screw-ups, my then girlfriend continued to have his back; I was jealous of the bond they seemed to share; one I felt we didn't have, and would never have.

 

All that being said, I absolutely adored the children, even though the one quite resembled the father. They were easily the best part of the relationship, even though I saw them as baggage in the beginning.

 

If that had not been the case, the relationship would've end much sooner. Either I would've tapped out, or my then girlfriend would've given me the boot, because she, like any good parent, isn't going to be involved with anyone who despises her children.

 

No one says that you have to love the child. But if you don't think you'll ever not hate her or resent her, then you must leave, because I promise you that eventually, you will not be able to mask your resentment. This child will know how you feel about her. And I can't begin to tell you how damaging that is to a young child.

 

My mother dated someone for several years after she divorced my dad. He was a great guy who treated me and my brother like his own. But he hated my dad. My dad, despite being a flawed person, was still my dad. And as much as I loved both of them, I still all this time remember how much it hurt to hear him speak poorly of my dad. Don't let this guy's daughter experience anything like that.

Edited December 10, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator