Slow fade or slow to date

[khloe]

I started dating a guy about two months ago and I can't tell if he is slow to date or is pulling away. Background on me- I am 37 and moved to a new city a year ago. I am not a casual dater and have only been intimate in monogomous dating situations. But after being celebate for some time I decided to be more relaxed when I met a guy I liked at a bar. He approached me and we hit it off and exchanged numbers. We spoke very briefly on the phone that night and he texted me for a date two days later. We got a drink and he said he didn't want to call it a date. We were hanging out to see if we were compatible. He texted me two days later to take me dancing and we did and had a great time and this time we did get intimate. After that I did not hear from him for five days until I texted him. I asked him if he wanted to get together and he asked to take me to brunch and we spent the day together. The next couple of times were similar where I would initiate a conversation and ask him if he wanted to hang out and he would agree but then he would take me out to well thought out dates that were relevant to my interests (art show, hip hop festival etc). He was busy at this time (traveling out of town a lot for work) but never texted me in between dates. I was usually the one to initiate but I also did it infrequently (every 4 to 8 days). After being the one to initiate a few times I stopped being the one who asked him to hang out but I was still always the one who would initiate "how are you doing texts" about once a week and he would then be the one to ask me out about once every two weeks. We did this a few more times before I asked him to come over for dinner (the ninth date over two months). I really thought he would say no. At this point I thought he probably wanted to keep it just casual but he came over with a bottle of wine. We had a very fun evening. As he was leaving I asked him when I could see him again. On previous dates we never discussed when the next date was and I wanted to see how he would respond. He said "I don't know. We'll see" That was 9 days ago. I have not texted him since then. I don't want to continue the once a week check in texts and wait to see what he does. I really feel that after I cook for someone and show interest in seeing them they need to have a nicer response than we will see. In the past he initiated hanging out every two weeks (usually because he was out of town for work or family often) so I don't know if he is waiting that amount of time to ask me out or he has faded. Has anyone experienced something similar to this? Someone who is receptive but not truly pursuing you.

Edited December 10, 2018 by khloe

[preraph]

He's probably dating more than just you. It's either that or his life is too busy to keep a relationship going.

[khloe]

That makes sense but still hurts to be ghosted after two months even if the dating was casual or slow. I don't know if this is normal in dating since I've been out of the loop for so long but a "hey thanks for the dinner but I'm not sure if I am looking for anything more serious right now" would have been a nice gesture. Is that too much to ask for these days?

[Gretchen12]

HE said in the beginning that he didn't want to call it a date. Probably for him none of the subsequent outings were dates either. This is what friendzone looks like for women, there's bottle of wine and taking you to places, there might be sex, outings might be fun, but that's it. He enjoys your company and he likes to have someone to do things with, but he doesn't think about you.

[khloe]

ouch. hurts to hear but makes sense. I guess I needed an eye opener.

[ExpatInItaly]

He's just not that into you.

 

I would stop pursuing him.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

IMO you slept with him too soon. He didn't get a chance to form any type of emotional connection to you. He didn't have to "prove" himself first.

[khloe]

So I ended up texting him to say its cool if we end things in a friendly way even if we were only casual since I prefer that to ghosting. He replied that he had been busy and sick but he also wasn't looking for anything serious with anyone right now and that we could stay friendly and get a drink anytime. I was a bit surprised because I had not mentioned being serious. I thought we were casually seeing each other to see how things went.

 

I figured ok its done but a few days later he asked me to dinner at a nice sushi place. Picked me up, paid for dinner and introduced me to his friend and wife that evening. He also told me that when he last came over I talked in my sleep and asked me why I was yelling out another guys name (it was a very old ex of mine that I had dated for a long time). I asked him if that is why he distanced himself and he got a little defensive like it did not bother him. He also let slip that he wasn't seeing anyone else (I did not ask him).

 

We spent the night together but no sex. He texted me the next day to ask if I got home safe (even though I live right around the corner from him- literally two blocks) and he asked me when I was going out of town for xmas. While I was away he did not text but I asked him how his xmas was and all I got was "nice." I didn't reply after that. I just got back into town and wanted to hang out with him this weekend but I feel like I should continue to back off. What do you guys think?

Edited December 29, 2018 by khloe

[smackie9]

You are wasting your time. Here's the deal, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy obviously isn't putting much effort so why are you chasing him? Cut him off and spend your time with better opportunities.

[ExpatInItaly]

While I was away he did not text but I asked him how his xmas was and all I got was "nice." I didn't reply after that. I just got back into town and wanted to hang out with him this weekend but I feel like I should continue to back off. What do you guys think?

 

He was clear and he told you he didn't want anything serious. His prior behaviour also indicates low interest in you.

 

He'll see you when he's bored or wants some affection, but don't expect it to become a regular thing. You want more than he does.

[khloe]

That's kind of what I thought and was ok with it. In fact I had stopped asking to hang out until he had made the initiative a few times (including asking to see me for my birthday and to see me before he went home for thanksgiving). It was only then I asked him over for dinner. At this point we were seeing each other every week. He left in the middle of that night clearly upset so when he texted that he wasn't looking for anything serious I said that was fine we could stay friends.

 

But then taking me to sushi, hanging out with friends (which we had not done before) and questions about the ex name calling threw me off again like maybe that was why he left upset and said he didn't want anything serious.

 

But you guys are right and I will not reach out to him anymore. It shouldn't be this confusing.

[khloe]

You are wasting your time. Here's the deal, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. This guy obviously isn't putting much effort so why are you chasing him? Cut him off and spend your time with better opportunities.

 

I don't know that I am "chasing him" by asking how his xmas was. I didn't ask to see him again when he didn't sound interested and came on here for validation that that was the right thing to do. "Chasing him" implies desperation that I have not displayed. I have at most texted him once a week throughout this whole time and let him initiate half of the times we have seen each other. (He didn't initiate texts but did initiate asking me out.)

 

I thought this was a safe forum to ask for clarity about your inner thoughts without judgement.

[khloe]

 

He'll see you when he's bored or wants some affection, but don't expect it to become a regular thing. You want more than he does.

 

 

This sounds about right. If I hear from him again do you recommend letting him know I had caught feelings and can't see him so infrequently or just let it go? My pride makes me want to just let it go.

[ExpatInItaly]

This sounds about right. If I hear from him again do you recommend letting him know I had caught feelings and can't see him so infrequently or just let it go? My pride makes me want to just let it go.

 

No, I would simply decline and let it go.

 

It's not about pride, but about not investing in a dead-end. There is really no need to hash this one out and talk about feelings. You already know his aren't the same as yours.