Peaches69 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Hi, I'm new. I was wondering if anyone has heard of a 48 yr old guy that has a bazaar need to spend every moment with his mother. It goes so far as when I go to work, he leaves my son and heads over to mothers, she lives in a suite attached to our home. We have been here one year after dating for 10 but never living together. She told his sister that she sees me as the other woman who has stolen her husband and daughter from her. She won't enter the home and told me not to go everywhere with him after work. He should be able to go to the bank on his own without me. I told her it sounds like she is jelious as this is the role she used to have before we moved in together.. She rides along with him when he has to go anywhere, I give up.. I guess I'm wondering if anyone has heard about this sort of thing. She can do no wrong and when we first moved in it was like he was trying so be a husband to two women, yeah I know, creepy. He goes in the morning before work at 5:30 till 6:30 for morning visit(his words) lunch is with mother also, and before he comes in from work at 5 he stops in there for a half hour or so. After dinner it's night time visit(little visit as he would say)it lasts about 2 hours and if his sister was there he has to stay longer after she leaves because,and get this(he didn't get (alone time) with mother. Tell me this isn't normal, I feel it isn't but everything here is so bazaar I just need someone to shed some light on this.. Thank so much, hanging by a thread Peaches69
Maria46 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I haven't heard of anything like that in my life. Have known some men that make sure they see or call their mother once a week,,, but this is so extreme! Maybe there is a counselor you could talk to and ask about this behavior. I have no suggestions other than that. Very odd. Hope you find an answer
d'Arthez Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Yes, it does happen. But it is absolutely not normal. In effect he is monopolized by his mother - and he is willing to let it be that way. You cannot win in a situation like this. Some men have domineering mothers and give in each and every time. Even after the mother has disappeared (died), they will in all likelihood seek for a figure who can be as domineering as their mother was. It is not your issue - so therapy for you would not be beneficial.
bluechocolate Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 What surprises me is that you dated this man for 10 years & didn't see this coming? Regardless, this is a battle you'll never win - that is the position you have to start from. If you can live with the man & his mother the way things are, then fine. If you can't you're going to have to leave.
JayKay Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Sounds like a very disturbing and dysfunctional relationship this guy has with his mother.... And at 48, you're not going to easily break him of this behavior. If you can't tolerate living this way, you need to get him to go to counseling with you. He obviously has problems setting boundaries and establishing that he's an independent grown adult. If he refuses to see that anything's wrong, you basically have two choices. Put up with it and learn to compromise. Or pack up and leave.
LauraBancroft Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 My Husband use to have the same strange attachment to his mother when we first started out, it drove me nuts. I finally figured out a way to stop it and what I did I do not recommend everyone to do. We had bills and I would notice that he wasn't bringing home his entire paycheck and we were going into debt then I started learning that he was giving over half his paycheck to his mother which she would spend on frivilous crap, like taking herself and her husband (complete pothead) out to dinner and buying his pot for him!!!! I was so mad. I went over there while she was alone and I told her point blank that she was not to be taking money from my husband anymore to support her husband's habit and to live high on the hog off my husband, I also told her we were expecting our first and it is time that my husband grew up and took care of his priorities at home which didn't put her high on the list and that she needed to back off. She used a few choice sentences and words with me but I never backed down. Within a month things changed. I also had a huge talk with my husband. Since then, we've been together almost 11 years, we have had no problems and we are lucky if we see his mother once every four months. Which I like that way, she is sort of a problem. They are called complete momma's boys!
Author Peaches69 Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 I thank all of you for your thoughts, they are not new to me. I have gone for councelling, now I know it's not me. I don't think he will ever be able to spend any more time with me or my son. I have asked him if he could not have a (little visit) every night, perhaps every other night? Nope, that won't work. So I am working now to get out of this situation. I have a new job, told my son that he just has to focus of school and I will handle the rest.. He wishes we never moved here. I knew he was close to his mother but I didn't know how close. His brother and sister hate me and they won't enter the house either(in support of mother) I feel so angry that they knew he was mothers keeper and they like it that way, they should of warned me.Man like this don't change, do they? I still love him but I am feeling very resentful of the time he has to spend with her. I go to work and he can't get over there fast enough. My son is alone from dinner untill bed, he comes back to say go to bed. I asked him to go to councelling with me but he won't go, he has no problem, he says it's me that has the problem because I don't feel like having sex. I keep telling him that it's hard to feel close to someone when they spend their whole evening with someone else and then comes home and wants to go straight to bed, he doesn't want any physical contact other than sex. I think he feels like he is cheating on his mother. Is that way out there?? Or does that happen also? I guess it really doesn't matter,I think I have to leave with my son, and live somewhere else. This is just not healthy, I just wonder is there is a clinical name for this kind of attachment? Thanks you all so much
DesertDweller Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Emotional incest may be the term you're looking for--or one of them. It's a start anyway. Try looking it up online and maybe it'll direct you to other applicable sites. BTW, I know of a man who used to bathe and powder his elderly mother. Yuck!
DesertDweller Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Sorry, but I have to ask. Is your husband sleeping (having sex) with his mother? My mother is a nurse, and I've heard at least one story of a mother/son sexual situation...
califlorgian Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Sounds a little like my father. Only because he has been living with her and semi-supporting her for the past 13 or so years. Sounds more like Norman Bates though. I don't know what I would do in your situation. Were there any warning signs in the past 10 years?
kkat Posted September 27, 2005 Posted September 27, 2005 This is horrifying for you, I am sure. I think it would be good for you to investigate very seriously the possibilities of some inappropriate relationship, e.g. emotional incest or worse, between your husband and his mother. Is she very old? Very ill? Is there something in their past that would make him feel exceptionally driven to take care of her, some tragic history or something?
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