cole Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Hi all, I need some perspective/advice/help/ideas ... I think my mind is fried from the ridiculousness of attempting the "second chance (guess I could use a new brain too)! To summarize: my ex and I broke up about 7 months ago (his doing - email and text for 10 days before we could discuss it in person since he was too afraid he might backpedal). In a word, I was devastated (which is probably why I am the one visiting this forum! Heh), and I did all of the things you should never do if you ever hope to reconcile ... you name it, I did it. I was the poster child for what not to do! The fact that I would behave so outrageously (never stalked or anything, just a little too vocal/prolific) usually made things worse - I figured I had nothing to lose. We ran into each other two, sometimes three times a week after the break up (one of us would almost always hound the other following a run-in ... usually me) and remained on speaking terms over email, though he would never accept my phone calls. We discussed our relationship endlessly with each other (and still do, to some extent), argued, sent wistful emails/texts, and then, after we ran into each other at a party a few months back, we began going on intermittent dates and sleeping together. So, cut to today, and we are still doing the same thing. The pattern? A new mini-relationship always begins once I walk away. I won't contact him for a few days (we have never gone longer than a week without speaking), he'll start to "miss" me, he'll pursue me and talk about trying again, how he is having a rough time with things, etc., I'll cave in, we'll have a great few days. Why do I always walk away again? Because he tells me he needs to observe me, basically, "test me out" to see if I am worth re-committing to the relationship. Also, he is the one that comes to me with problems he's having a hard time with or because he wants to spend time with me. However, usually after a few good days, I'll want to do the same, and he'll ignore me or tell me that he is doing his own thing, I need to "learn to be alone," I have too much time on my hands whereas he's got a "big-time job" and is a busy person and I can't expect him to be there for me just because I want that. So, of course, I get upset and I let him know that. And then we fight, I realize how stupid the situation is, and I walk away. Samsara. I honestly doubt success will come out of this infuriating pseudo-relationship, mainly because he won't make any assurances about a possible future for us, he won't show or tell me that he cares for me or whatnot, he blames me for 100% of our first failure (I made some big mistakes, but I came to him and apologized even though I knew he could never know for sure that I had lied to him. I asked him if we could move past the past and he said we could, but he keeps using my indiscretion as ammo!), and he calls all the shots in terms of when we do things and what the "tone" of our time together will be. He will, however, do the opposite of the above when he is trying to get me to respond to him - he sees a future, he loves and cares for me, he knows he has issues and he's trying to work through them, and I get to control what we do, when, and where. I fall for it EVERY TIME!!! ACK!!!! So, here I am, back in walk-away mode for the nth time, and I could use some new eyes on this predicament! I know I push for "more" - most recently, there was a rumor about him and a mutual girl friend of ours (a while back before we were sleeping together again), and I realized that, without a commitment of any kind, I have no right to question him on it, nor can I feel comfortable being upset, since we're not a couple. And I can do the same, though I don't want to. I told him exactly what I was thinking (I always do), and he just got defensive and called me out on worrying too much and not going with the flow ... and he keeps repeating how he still wants to go to dinner and a movie tomorrow! But I have been an emotional rollercoaster for soooo long - he has always hated that about me, and now I hate that about me too. I told him to buzz off, but ... ugh. Walking away IS the right decision, isn't it? I don't know what to think anymore, but I know I'm not happy with this. Suggestions? Advice? Anything? THANK YOU!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Praetorian Posted September 14, 2005 Share Posted September 14, 2005 Walking away IS DEFINITELY the right decision for you to make. He's using you and nothing more... I know it's very hard but try not contacting him and especially try not to be the "emotional rollercoaster" as you said, because you are pushing him apart even though it looks the oposite. Even you are sick and tired of that, take some time for yourself... you don't see any future in this relashionship do you? No wonder... no one does... as long as HE demonstrates you that YOU are not his emotional rollercoaster and start seeing you as another human being... and that starts with YOU! Try to think outside the box even for one moment and catch that feeling... All the best for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cole Posted September 16, 2005 Author Share Posted September 16, 2005 Thank you for the advice Praetorian! I guess I'm not always so sure what to think, and he's not so sure what to think either - we both lose perspective and a clear sense of what the real issues are, not only between us, but in our own lives as well. Regardless, excuses aside (I try to stay away from justifications!) I know that the relationship we have now is terribly unhealthy for both of us. I totally hear what you are saying, and it really helped me to sort out this spot I'm in now, knowing that your suggestions were coming from a far less-biased place! SO ... I told him how I felt about everything, pretty much all that you and I have written about in these posts, and I said he had two choices, as far as I could see, at least - he could find a time in the near future to openly discuss how he truly feels about a fresh start (and me, for that matter!), and how much he is willing to put into our relationship, OR, he could stick with his tendency to ignore the instability and incessant push-pull that goes on between us. If he decided he'd prefer to ignore the problems we have in putting the relationship back together, I had no choice but to walk away for GOOD. Well, we began talking about things in earnest yesterday, and I'm more confident than ever that he wants to move on ... together. However, until I'm completely confident, I'm keeping the physical stuff to a minimum, and I made sure he understood that too. A telling moment/high point for me: after I mentioned to him that the person sitting next to us assumed we were girlfriend/boyfriend, he made a joke about how he hadn't realized we were there yet, but then he quickly followed it with complete acceptance ... he was very cool with the gf/bf thing. I was a bit shocked! But it was a good shocked. Thanks again for your advice - I was able to step off the rollercoaster and stand my ground, and, I think that if I stay level and stick to the choices I laid out, I'll remain pretty balanced - if his indecision reigns yet again, I know that I have to walk away, but ... hopefully we can work it out. Link to post Share on other sites
Praetorian Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 Good to hear that from you cole! You're in the right way! Hopefully things will work out with you two, but apart from all that, your great victory was that you were able to "think outside the box", now that's something that you can and MUST be proud of yourself! YOU'RE #1! Don't EVER forget that! Again all the best for you cole! Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 Cole,good luck to you but be on guard. regards mike Link to post Share on other sites
Author cole Posted September 17, 2005 Author Share Posted September 17, 2005 Hey Mike, thank you for the advice ! Would it be possible for you to you elaborate a bit? I'm just curious as to what you think is worrisome. Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
bendit Posted September 17, 2005 Share Posted September 17, 2005 the push pull is a sign that there is some dysfunction there.. the healthy way to treat people is to be decisive and firm and to mean what you say and say what you mean. this guy has all the signs of a guy who can't commit, doesn't know himself, is very selfish, or possibily using your devotion in a selfish and unhealthy way. I tell people to focus on what EXACTLY they want in a loving relationship and in life. And then look at who they have enmeshed themselves with and see if its a match. If you are attracted to people who can't really give you what you want or are withholding from you, then you have issues too. Relationships should be DRAMA FREE ZONES, but rarely are. Be on guard. regards mike Link to post Share on other sites
Author cole Posted September 18, 2005 Author Share Posted September 18, 2005 Very true ... I do need to proceed with caution, and I plan on sticking to my word, partly because I know I'm guilty of the push-pull as well! I can definitely see that our issues play off each other, and have to a certain degree throughout the entire relationship - I've been speaking up about it, in the hope that we can actually grow from this, even if it ends with the two of us going our separate ways. The fact that he's still around isn't as much of a shock to me as it is to many of our mutual friends (I was recently informed that they've never seen him act this way once he's supposedly moved on - it seems he has a reputation for shorter-term relationships, a little bit of info he fessed up to himself a couple months ago), but it lends credence to the whole push-pull dynamic in some respects - of course, that's no reason to keep it up, and I really want that aspect of our relationship to end ... it feels like a game (and probably is, huh?). I'm pretty sure that the push-pull stifles our personal growth as much as it hurts our chances of having a healthy relationship. I sometimes worry that my cautiousness may cause me to overreact and become inflexible or overly anxious ... but I guess if I stick with how happy I am as a barometer of how well things are going, then I can't really go wrong, can I? Thank you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author cole Posted September 23, 2005 Author Share Posted September 23, 2005 Well, I said I had to walk away if he refused to openly and honestly discuss "us" and his feelings ... SO ... I have to walk away now. Last night he told me (after agreeing to honor my request to talk about the problems and all) that he doesn't have to tell me what his true feelings are, that there is no reason why I should get to know where he stands and how he sees our relationship. Of course, he told me the other night that I had every right to know and that what I was asking of him was totally normal and valid. But, as he's said before, he takes full advantage of the double-standard - what applies to others does not apply to him ... for some reason, he sees himself as special, deserving of preferential treatment. I, on the other hand, am asked to share how I feel/see things, but he scoffs once I ask the same of him. Jerk. I am so scared that I'll fall for the same empty words and meaningless gestures that he's going to throw my way, that I'll talk myself into believing that this time it will be different, and that he really does understand what I'm saying and feeling. I'm so bummed out right now I can't even express it ... but I'm not going to let it happen again, and I'm hoping it will help me to read this, if/when I have a moment of weakness. I'll probably write more later - it helps me to write it here, I have a tendency to write him instead (!), though I always regret it later. I don't think he deserves to know anything more about me though ... he certainly doesn't seem to care enough to remember anything I say anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Praetorian Posted September 24, 2005 Share Posted September 24, 2005 he certainly doesn't seem to care enough to remember anything I say anyway. It's really tough when the person you love(d) doesn't even makes the effort of hearing you. That happened (and still happens) with me and my ex also. It seems everything i say to her she understands at the time but the next day(s)...*puff* ...talk about frustration... Your ex demonstrates in one way, similar behavior to my ex, they only see one bad side and are incapable of searching their inner self. Remember cole, the only person that is truely special in this situation is YOU, certainly not him (he has problems but not the guts to face them!). I am so scared that I'll fall for the same empty words and meaningless gestures that he's going to throw my way, that I'll talk myself into believing that this time it will be different This time WILL be different...Believe me, he doesn't deserve you! Time for you to step away for good. Oh! And don't ever regret of what you do, regret of what you don't do instead! Life's too short for that... Link to post Share on other sites
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