bathtub-row Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Wow, what he did was rough. Personally I think when he mentioned marriage, he was trying out the idea on himself. Then, after he thought about it, he freaked. He’ll most likely stay single all his life. At his age, most people have been married at least once or have been in long-term relationships. Btw, please don’t date guys until you’re ready. Guys buy dinner and all that - they don’t deserve to be used in that way. And I know you didn’t intentionally do that but now you know you’re not ready. Give yourself some time to heal. And I wouldn’t advise you to take the ex back if he comes back. Whatever is making him hesitant isn’t likely to go away.
Author uniplex Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 It's so achingly painful when someone flakes on us like this guy did ... it's also disorienting, throwing you out of one reality into another ... You hardly believe that this person you felt so connected to ... is now saying they don't feel the same and they wanna end it. Pain + disbelief = major pain & confusion. I once spent what I thought was a ecstatic totally-in-sync weekend with a woman ... and the week starts and I'm still feeling the high ... and ... she doesn't return my texts or calls ... I figured an emergency had come up ... I could not conceive that she was pulling away ... but pulling away she was. The only thing I see is that you guys moved really fast ... Not that that is always a mistake ... but ... when you move fast, you don't really get to know the person ... and here's my guess about what happened ... Going fast often allows people who aren't really capable of a relationship to pretend for a few weeks that they are capable. I think your man was out of his league in the intimacy between you two ... He faked it for a while ... and then had to pull back. It's impossible to feel this way now ... but over time, you'll likely see that this guy wasn't a good fit for you ... If things are going so well on your end ... and he's not feeling it ... then this is a guy who would only have disappointed you had the relationship continued. Nothing you did wrong ... sometimes people fool us ... it's as simple as that ... and some of these people also fool themselves for a while. This is like the strangest phenomena. So do you think she was faking her happiness all weekend? And did you ever hear from her again? Yes, we moved really fast. And maybe he let the smoke clear and decided he didn't really like me that much. Which is fine I guess.
Author uniplex Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 Wow, what he did was rough. Personally I think when he mentioned marriage, he was trying out the idea on himself. Then, after he thought about it, he freaked. He’ll most likely stay single all his life. At his age, most people have been married at least once or have been in long-term relationships. Btw, please don’t date guys until you’re ready. Guys buy dinner and all that - they don’t deserve to be used in that way. And I know you didn’t intentionally do that but now you know you’re not ready. Give yourself some time to heal. And I wouldn’t advise you to take the ex back if he comes back. Whatever is making him hesitant isn’t likely to go away. Hi bathtub...I also wondered if maybe I should've answered something along the lines of, "Babe, it's much too soon to talk about marriage" — instead, I actually entertained him. Oh well. And trust me, I still feel really bad about going out on that date. Thankfully, the guy texted me this evening and told me he had a nice time, but meeting me made him realize he wasn't over his ex who strung him along for six years. They just broke up a month ago. We spent a majority of the evening talking about her ad nauseam lol. So we were both kind of in the same boat and at least I was there to listen to him and I tried to give him some advice as well. I hope it was helpful, but yeah, I'm going to take some time to myself for now.
nolanola Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 uniplex, I've decided to just let myself heal without dating. There is a part of me that feels like I should be out there looking for someone. I'm 42 and have never been married. So I do start to feel like a freak sometimes. But I am not ready to try to meet someone new. I'm still so sad and hurt about my recent events with my ex. So I'm going to try to just let myself heal and to not judge myself too harshly. Even though you weren't with this guy for a long time, it can really screw with your ability to trust. You seem like a strong person with good boundaries. Hopefully you'll be able to focus on the fact that this guy has issues and it's not about you. Hugs to you.
bathtub-row Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Hi bathtub...I also wondered if maybe I should've answered something along the lines of, "Babe, it's much too soon to talk about marriage" — instead, I actually entertained him. Oh well. And trust me, I still feel really bad about going out on that date. Thankfully, the guy texted me this evening and told me he had a nice time, but meeting me made him realize he wasn't over his ex who strung him along for six years. They just broke up a month ago. We spent a majority of the evening talking about her ad nauseam lol. So we were both kind of in the same boat and at least I was there to listen to him and I tried to give him some advice as well. I hope it was helpful, but yeah, I'm going to take some time to myself for now. Oh, man. That's funny. Well, you helped each other then. No harm done. You know, I think if you had said those words to your ex about it being too soon to talk about marriage, it probably would've just strung things out longer and you would've wasted more time and it would've hurt even more. It hurts enough as it is. Who needs more of that? It's always best to be authentic in relationships. Don't second-guess yourself about being honest and even about giving him an ultimatum. That was your self-protective voice speaking up. And the great part? You didn't stuff it down or tell it to keep quiet.
Author uniplex Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 uniplex, I've decided to just let myself heal without dating. There is a part of me that feels like I should be out there looking for someone. I'm 42 and have never been married. So I do start to feel like a freak sometimes. But I am not ready to try to meet someone new. I'm still so sad and hurt about my recent events with my ex. So I'm going to try to just let myself heal and to not judge myself too harshly. Even though you weren't with this guy for a long time, it can really screw with your ability to trust. You seem like a strong person with good boundaries. Hopefully you'll be able to focus on the fact that this guy has issues and it's not about you. Hugs to you. Hun, please don’t feel like a “freak.” I’ve never been married either, and when I think back on my past long-term relationship, if I had married him, I would be a divorcee! Breakups are bad enough, I don’t want to imagine what a divorce is like. Please stay hopeful that you will find your perfect match in due time!! Oh, man. That's funny. Well, you helped each other then. No harm done. You know, I think if you had said those words to your ex about it being too soon to talk about marriage, it probably would've just strung things out longer and you would've wasted more time and it would've hurt even more. It hurts enough as it is. Who needs more of that? It's always best to be authentic in relationships. Don't second-guess yourself about being honest and even about giving him an ultimatum. That was your self-protective voice speaking up. And the great part? You didn't stuff it down or tell it to keep quiet. You’re so right. If I hadn’t answered his questions, it would’ve prolonged the breakup. Your post was very insightful. Thanks so much. 1
Author uniplex Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 I’m sitting here thinking about how screwed up this man is: He frequently bought me my favorite flowers, surprised me with my favorite chocolate, stocked his fridge with my favorite wine (yummm lol). One night I mentioned my lips were dry, the next morning he ran to the store and came back with my favorite coffee and a five pack of chapstick lmao like what the hell!!! He was sooo into me! I had to tell my parents that we broke up and my mom was like, “But he said he couldn’t wait to meet me.” Aww lol she’ll get over it lol. We’re also taking a family trip to nyc early next year. They asked me to invite him. I did and he was so pumped. He even started looking at hotels online to get pricing. He also invited me to his parents’ summer home next May. ....And then he dumps me. So weird. Soooo strange.
nolanola Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 Thanks uniplex. I'm having a tough day, self esteem wise. This dude is a hot mess. That's why I say I almost guarantee he will be back. He is really confused about what he wants and probably doesn't know himself day to day. I'm sure he did like you a lot but he just couldn't follow through. I hope for his sake he can do the work to deal with his commitment issues. I agree with you that you are fortunate to end the relationship before you invested a lot of time or further commitment. But I know it leaves you scratching your head and it's small consolation sometimes.
joan.l Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 In the end, I told him he was either in or out. I don't want to be with someone who's so unsure about me and will willingly let me go. Yes, I gave him an ultimatum but I sort of felt like he was trying to let me down easily anyway instead of coming right out and ending things. it sounds like you will never know whats on his mind unless he tells you. but what you said is right, he is beating around the bush and trying to avoid taking responsibility for the change in him. it almost sounds like he's trying to get you to agree with a breakup so that its 'mutual' also, you shouldnt look at it as an ultimatum. it would be an ultimatum if you were forcing a change in the terms of the relationship. all youre doing is telling him to make his position clear and you have every right to expect that
Author uniplex Posted December 11, 2018 Author Posted December 11, 2018 Thanks uniplex. I'm having a tough day, self esteem wise. This dude is a hot mess. That's why I say I almost guarantee he will be back. He is really confused about what he wants and probably doesn't know himself day to day. I'm sure he did like you a lot but he just couldn't follow through. I hope for his sake he can do the work to deal with his commitment issues. I agree with you that you are fortunate to end the relationship before you invested a lot of time or further commitment. But I know it leaves you scratching your head and it's small consolation sometimes. I'm starting to think that maybe he really is seeing someone else. I was reading a lot of threads on LS last night, and 9 times out of 10, when someone's ex dumped them, it was because they were seeing someone else behind their back. But either way, it's really none of my business at this point. I just need to make sure I make a more wise choice in terms of picking a partner in the future. BTW, I hope you're feeling a lot better today! it sounds like you will never know whats on his mind unless he tells you. but what you said is right, he is beating around the bush and trying to avoid taking responsibility for the change in him. it almost sounds like he's trying to get you to agree with a breakup so that its 'mutual' also, you shouldnt look at it as an ultimatum. it would be an ultimatum if you were forcing a change in the terms of the relationship. all youre doing is telling him to make his position clear and you have every right to expect that I appreciate your post. I'm almost positive he really wanted the breakup to be mutual so he wouldn't be the bad guy. He's a coward. I can only imagine what he's telling his friends about our split.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 11, 2018 Posted December 11, 2018 This is like the strangest phenomena. So do you think she was faking her happiness all weekend? And did you ever hear from her again? Yes, we moved really fast. And maybe he let the smoke clear and decided he didn't really like me that much. Which is fine I guess. Uniplex, I'm not sure the answer to your insightful question. I think she enjoyed being with me physically but had decided that she wasn't comfortable dating me. Yes, I've heard from her again ... I work with her! ... well not in the same office, but in the same general workplace ... I do not think she was faking happiness ... I think she was faking intimacy ... Something about me just didn't work for her ... when she imagined having a long-term relationship. She and I have talked about this ... I've never experienced what I experienced with her (wonderful weekend, then exit) ... She hasn't been very good at explaining her feelings. But there were a lot of red flags I ignored ... like she didn't want to tell this one male friend of hers that she was dating me ... And she was always just a bit slow in initiating stuff or returning my calls and so on ... A friend of mine who also knows her ... says we were not a good fit ... that I would have eventually felt bored by her ...
Author uniplex Posted December 13, 2018 Author Posted December 13, 2018 Uniplex, I'm not sure the answer to your insightful question. I think she enjoyed being with me physically but had decided that she wasn't comfortable dating me. Yes, I've heard from her again ... I work with her! ... well not in the same office, but in the same general workplace ... I do not think she was faking happiness ... I think she was faking intimacy ... Something about me just didn't work for her ... when she imagined having a long-term relationship. She and I have talked about this ... I've never experienced what I experienced with her (wonderful weekend, then exit) ... She hasn't been very good at explaining her feelings. But there were a lot of red flags I ignored ... like she didn't want to tell this one male friend of hers that she was dating me ... And she was always just a bit slow in initiating stuff or returning my calls and so on ... A friend of mine who also knows her ... says we were not a good fit ... that I would have eventually felt bored by her ... Hi there Lotsgoingon, the fact that she avoided telling her male friend about you is definitely a red flag. Sadly, we don't always notice those obvious things when we're in the midst of a brand new relationship. Everything seems so perfect...until it's not perfect anymore. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. I'm wishing you nothing but the best.
Author uniplex Posted December 15, 2018 Author Posted December 15, 2018 YOU GUYS He just texted and said he misses me so much. I’ve been missing him too to be honest but I don’t know how to navigate this situation. I want to know what happened and why, but I don’t want to push too hard. HELP!!!!
SunnyWeather Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 YOU GUYS He just texted and said he misses me so much. I’ve been missing him too to be honest but I don’t know how to navigate this situation. I want to know what happened and why, but I don’t want to push too hard. WHY? this guy completely effed around with you. push as hard as you want. personally, i wouldn't trust someone again who did that to me. but, by all means, find out what happened and why--if you'll even get the whole story--- just don't be a pushover or you will be doomed to repeat this same scenario again.
Purepony Posted December 15, 2018 Posted December 15, 2018 He’s probably lonely. He misses you so much he said not even call you ? Or ask you out ? Or explain himself ? What does he think ? It’s just gonna go away and be normal again ?
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