Boyfriend did a complete 180 WTH

[uniplex]

Hey everyone, I got involved with a man I met on a paid dating site. We met in Sept. and on our third date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed.

 

As you can imagine, things moved at lightning speed. We would see each other typically every other day and would spend most weekends together. I met his friends on our second date, he met my good friend a month later. He told his parents about me and vice versa, but we hadn't done the grand introductions just yet (my family lives out of state).

 

The last time we hung out was on Sunday, Dec 2. We had spent all of Friday and Saturday together and it was the first time he mentioned marriage. He made two separate comments about: "If we get married..." things of that nature. So I obviously assumed he saw a future with me!

 

Things were fine after I left his house. On Wednesday, I noticed his texts were short and bland. I just brushed it off and thought maybe he was having a bad day. He also didn't make mid-week plans, which he typically did. On Thursday he dropped a bombshell: he could no longer give me the attention I needed and he was confused about how our relationship should proceed. He was unsure if he wanted to stay together.

 

I was shocked because everything was perfectly fine between us. I never had to pressure him to hang out. He always initiated our hangouts! I tried to reason with him, which I know is pointless. In the end, I told him he was either in or out. I don't want to be with someone who's so unsure about me and will willingly let me go. Yes, I gave him an ultimatum but I sort of felt like he was trying to let me down easily anyway instead of coming right out and ending things.

 

He said he couldn't give me 100% and that was the end of that.

 

Anyone have any clue on WTF may have happened? Do you think he freaked himself out over the talk about marriage? By the way, we're much older. I'm 33, he's 39. A part of me wonders if he met someone new but I have no reason to suspect he was still playing the field. Anything's possible though.

[Cersei]

Oh boy. No clue what went so wrong. But all I can add is not knowing WTH is the absolute worst. You tend to question every little bit of communication that took place.

 

He would have been better off just spitting out what the problem is so that you know. It would hurt you but atleast you would know.

 

Sorry you have to go through this.

[uniplex]

Oh boy. No clue what went so wrong. But all I can add is not knowing WTH is the absolute worst. You tend to question every little bit of communication that took place.

 

He would have been better off just spitting out what the problem is so that you know. It would hurt you but atleast you would know.

 

Sorry you have to go through this.

 

Thanks for the reply! You're right, not knowing sucks! I didn't even bother trying to dig the truth out of him. The fact that he was so "unsure" about how to proceed ticked me off, so I went the ultimatum route. Ugh.

[uniplex]

I forgot to add...he threw in another BS excuse. He told me at the start of our relationship that he loves his alone time, and he sometimes needs a lot of it. I told him that was perfectly fine because I like my alone time as well.

 

During the breakup speech, he tried to flip things on me, and said why would I want to be with a partner who enjoys his alone time so much? Um, WTF?!

 

1. I NEVER initiated hangouts. I always followed his lead. On the days we didn't spend time together, I would allow him to initiate communication because I knew he was the type of person who needed to recharge.

 

2. I clearly told him that his need for space didn't bother me. He claimed he wanted someone who could understand this, but then threw it back at me as if I SHOULDN'T have been okay with it all along. So weird.

[Cersei]

At least you did not invest years in this guy. It hurts but better to see this side of him now than 5 years from now.

 

Take some time for yourself, prepare for Christmas if it's your thing and bring on 2019 fresh and ready for a great new year!

[uniplex]

Yes, it definitely would've hurt worse if this happened later on down the road. Thanks for the kind words, and happy holidays to you.

[Kelliousme]

Sorry you had to go through that.. :/ what he did is definitely hurtful.

 

Anyways, I've had a friend who went through something similar. The guy was always going from hot to cold. One second he's sure she's the one, but the next second he wasn't sure he can give up his "alone" time or his "boy group" time for ONE girl. So basically I think that your ex bf simply did not want to commit to you. This is kind of weird since you said he's 39.

 

You are absolutely right in what you said to him. There's no reason why you should be hanging onto someone who isn't sure about you. Move on time!

[ExpatInItaly]

Do you know much about his dating/relationship history, OP?

 

Perhaps someone from his past has resurfaced or some such thing. I don't think it has anything to do with you personally. There's something more going on with him that he's choosing to keep to himself.

[planb1973]

Having recently gone through the same thing I know how much it hurts and how the not knowing WTH happened makes it that much worse.

 

I think some people just get scared and run. I have been on the receiving end a few times now and will never understand it. But I recognize it now. They want it so badly but are petrified of real intimacy and when you get too close you inadvertently tough a broken spot of theirs. They realize they can not do this, sabotage the great thing they know they have, and run like hell. We then are left wondering what just happened.

 

Sorry you are going through this, time will heal.

[uniplex]

Sorry you had to go through that.. :/ what he did is definitely hurtful.

 

Anyways, I've had a friend who went through something similar. The guy was always going from hot to cold. One second he's sure she's the one, but the next second he wasn't sure he can give up his "alone" time or his "boy group" time for ONE girl. So basically I think that your ex bf simply did not want to commit to you. This is kind of weird since you said he's 39.

 

You are absolutely right in what you said to him. There's no reason why you should be hanging onto someone who isn't sure about you. Move on time!

 

Okay, I wasn't sure if the ultimatum was the right thing. I just didn't want to prolong it and drag out a multi-day/week breakup. Thanks for the reassurance that I did the right thing!

 

Do you know much about his dating/relationship history, OP?

 

Perhaps someone from his past has resurfaced or some such thing. I don't think it has anything to do with you personally. There's something more going on with him that he's choosing to keep to himself.

 

His dating history is scarce TBH. Within the past 10 years, he had a 3-year relationship that ended because she didn't want to have children and it was a LDR. Then he had a 1-year relationship that ended in summer 2016. He said he thought he would marry her, but she dumped him, and she is now married to someone else.

 

After that heartbreak, he didn't have a significant relationship. He did tell me the last woman he dated before me, they were only casual. It lasted a month, he ended things, and she went "crazy."

[uniplex]

Having recently gone through the same thing I know how much it hurts and how the not knowing WTH happened makes it that much worse.

 

I think some people just get scared and run. I have been on the receiving end a few times now and will never understand it. But I recognize it now. They want it so badly but are petrified of real intimacy and when you get too close you inadvertently tough a broken spot of theirs. They realize they can not do this, sabotage the great thing they know they have, and run like hell. We then are left wondering what just happened.

 

Sorry you are going through this, time will heal.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. Were you able to get closure?

 

I really believe he freaked himself out because it was so abrupt. We went from coordinating our Christmas schedules and planning a NYE party to him just going cold. It's so hurtful. I don't feel like he led me on. I think he just panicked big time.

 

Do you all think there's any chance he might gather his composure and reach out? And, trust me, I won't be sitting around waiting. I'm just curious...

[planb1973]

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. Were you able to get closure?

 

I really believe he freaked himself out because it was so abrupt. We went from coordinating our Christmas schedules and planning a NYE party to him just going cold. It's so hurtful. I don't feel like he led me on. I think he just panicked big time.

 

Do you all think there's any chance he might gather his composure and reach out? And, trust me, I won't be sitting around waiting. I'm just curious...

 

Who knows if he will get his composure and reach out. Mine did a couple times over the fist month or so, but would only say she did'nt know what our future would be. I gave up.

Its tough wondering. I did have a woman years ago did the same thing. Randomly after a year she reached out to me "hat in hand" said she was sorry that she had gotten scared and wanted to try again. 9 months later when I finally let my guard down she abruptly ended it again.

 

What sort of upbringing did your ex have? any abuse or trauma?

[Cersei]

Yes he might reach out but I am glad to hear you won't be sitting around waiting.

You are worth so much more than this guy.

[uniplex]

Who knows if he will get his composure and reach out. Mine did a couple times over the fist month or so, but would only say she did'nt know what our future would be. I gave up.

Its tough wondering. I did have a woman years ago did the same thing. Randomly after a year she reached out to me "hat in hand" said she was sorry that she had gotten scared and wanted to try again. 9 months later when I finally let my guard down she abruptly ended it again.

 

What sort of upbringing did your ex have? any abuse or trauma?

 

Wow, so this is far more common than I thought! I can’t imagine how you felt when she abruptly ended things a second time around. Smh

 

He had an amazing upbringing. Parents have been married 40+ years, siblings all happily married 10+ years, and then there’s him.

 

One thing I will say, he’s not conventionally attractive and he knows it/made comments about it. I wasn’t physically attracted on the first date, but by the 3rd, I was all in because he has an amazing personality. He would always mention how beautiful I was and why would I want someone who looks like him. Maybe his insecurities got in the way?

[uniplex]

Yes he might reach out but I am glad to hear you won't be sitting around waiting.

You are worth so much more than this guy.

 

 

I feel kind of bad because I already went on a dinner date last night lol. It was the wrong time for me to entertain someone else though because all I could think about was my ex

[nolanola]

Ouch...that is tough. One thing you can say with pretty good certainty. This is not about you. It's about him. It could be just as someone upthread said: he wants a relationship but freaks out when the rubber hits the road. There are some men (and women too) that get really excited when they meet someone they like. They start future planning and when they actually bring their head down from the clouds, they realize they feel scared or anxious about how fast they are moving.

 

I will almost guarantee this guy will come back. But it sounds like he has some work to do on himself before he is ready to get into a healthy relationship. So I would be VERY wary of communicating with him. Especially if he comes back wanting to be "friends".

 

I also think you are really smart to put it out there and tell him what you want. You stood up for yourself and set a boundary. Good for you!!

[uniplex]

Ouch...that is tough. One thing you can say with pretty good certainty. This is not about you. It's about him. It could be just as someone upthread said: he wants a relationship but freaks out when the rubber hits the road. There are some men (and women too) that get really excited when they meet someone they like. They start future planning and when they actually bring their head down from the clouds, they realize they feel scared or anxious about how fast they are moving.

 

I will almost guarantee this guy will come back. But it sounds like he has some work to do on himself before he is ready to get into a healthy relationship. So I would be VERY wary of communicating with him. Especially if he comes back wanting to be "friends".

 

I also think you are really smart to put it out there and tell him what you want. You stood up for yourself and set a boundary. Good for you!!

 

 

For now I’m going NC, but I haven’t blocked him from my phone. I want to see if he contacts me. Pathetic, I know.

 

And thank you for the compliment. I’m more cut throat when it comes to dating. I wasted a lot of my younger years with the wrong man, and I’m not willing to waste another second of my time ever again.

[Cersei]

I feel kind of bad because I already went on a dinner date last night lol. It was the wrong time for me to entertain someone else though because all I could think about was my ex

 

No don't feel bad for going out. Be proud and own it! High 5.

 

See, the fact you ended up on a date so quickly shows you will easily find someone better.

[Purepony]

I agree drop this clown

[preraph]

Who brought up the subject that led to the comments about marriage?

 

Look, you guys moved way too fast and I think for whatever reason, he just realized it. Do you agree on kids or no kids? Did you talk about living arrangments?

 

When he does want space and is off somewhere having his space, you're not texting him, are you? Just a thought, because that is not giving space, even though you're not in the same room.

Edited December 9, 2018 by preraph

[uniplex]

Who brought up the subject that led to the comments about marriage?

 

Look, you guys moved way too fast and I think for whatever reason, he just realized it. Do you agree on kids or no kids? Did you talk about living arrangments?

 

When he does want space and is off somewhere having his space, you're not texting him, are you? Just a thought, because that is not giving space, even though you're not in the same room.

 

 

He initiated the talk about marriage both times. They were mainly hypothetical questions, such as, “If we got married would you want a big wedding?” (My answer was no).

 

We did move fast. Really, really fast, but it felt sooo right! It was so comfortable, easy, and fun! We met on a dating site that’s known for having marriage-minded people so we both expressed wanting to start a family one day in the messages we exchanged prior to meeting.

 

He never would really let me know when he was taking space for himself. Basically, anytime we weren’t physically together, I would let him do his thing. I never initiated communication aside for MAYBE a good morning text.

 

During the breakup he told me I was great in the way I handled his alone time because it was something the last woman he was dating could not comprehend. But seconds later, told me I shouldn’t accept being with someone who requires a lot of alone time. Makes no sense!

 

Ugh, the more I type the angrier I get. I feel like he’s full of it.

[uniplex]

Meanwhile, the guy I went to a very nice dinner with last night has yet to call me today lol I guess my disinterest was way too obvious.

[GoreSP]

I just went through something similar.

 

I’m pretty sure nithing happened. He just changed his mind about the relationship and it probably has more to do with him than you.

He’ll just do the same thing to the next one.

[uniplex]

I just went through something similar.

 

I’m pretty sure nithing happened. He just changed his mind about the relationship and it probably has more to do with him than you.

He’ll just do the same thing to the next one.

 

 

 

I’m sorry you had to go through that as well. I hope you’re feeling better!

 

I woke up this morning and decided that at 39 years old, he’s a bachelor and will probably remain as one for the foreseeable future. All of that talk about his “alone time” was a red flag I ignored, but oh well!

 

I’m looking for a strong and solid commitment so I’m gladly picking up the pieces and moving on!

[Lotsgoingon]

Hey everyone, I got involved with a man I met on a paid dating site. We met in Sept. and on our third date, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I agreed.

 

As you can imagine, things moved at lightning speed. We would see each other typically every other day and would spend most weekends together. I met his friends on our second date, he met my good friend a month later. He told his parents about me and vice versa, but we hadn't done the grand introductions just yet (my family lives out of state).

 

It's so achingly painful when someone flakes on us like this guy did ... it's also disorienting, throwing you out of one reality into another ... You hardly believe that this person you felt so connected to ... is now saying they don't feel the same and they wanna end it. Pain + disbelief = major pain & confusion.

 

I once spent what I thought was a ecstatic totally-in-sync weekend with a woman ... and the week starts and I'm still feeling the high ... and ... she doesn't return my texts or calls ... I figured an emergency had come up ... I could not conceive that she was pulling away ... but pulling away she was.

 

The only thing I see is that you guys moved really fast ... Not that that is always a mistake ... but ... when you move fast, you don't really get to know the person ... and here's my guess about what happened ... Going fast often allows people who aren't really capable of a relationship to pretend for a few weeks that they are capable. I think your man was out of his league in the intimacy between you two ... He faked it for a while ... and then had to pull back.

 

It's impossible to feel this way now ... but over time, you'll likely see that this guy wasn't a good fit for you ... If things are going so well on your end ... and he's not feeling it ... then this is a guy who would only have disappointed you had the relationship continued. Nothing you did wrong ... sometimes people fool us ... it's as simple as that ... and some of these people also fool themselves for a while.