Her ex got in the way

[ChrisDan]

I met this wonderful girl almost 4 months ago, she literally landed on my doorstep after trying to contact my mum because a distant relative of mine had been phoning her regularly looking for my mum.

So, it always seemed like it was predestined, 'meant to be' ....We both felt that.

And what made it even stranger was that we'd always been close to one another in some sense, went to the same primary school, knew the same people, been around the same places throughout our lives but had never came in contact until that meeting when she chapped my door.

So, we quickly become very chatty on Facebook, most days we'd have fun and somewhat flirty chats, it was a regular pattern now.

And we seemed perfect for one another (i still feel we are) She is possibly the best girl i've ever known for various reasons, smart, funny, quirky, sweet, caring. We clicked, and i was so happy that we had this connection.....So, 2/3 weeks later we arranged to meet up for a little hike around a nature trail.. ..it went well, we arranged another meet up....and so on and so forth.....things were warming up between us in chat and in person.....then one night came the kiss, holding hands, cuddling, snuggling up....she'd call every day, sometimes for hours we'd chat on the phone....she'd invite me over to her place two or three times a week....she lived a short walk up the road from me, it was (is) perfect.

 

But here's the catch.......she'd recently (year and a half) got out of a difficult relationship with the father of her two children. She talked of him in a very negative way at first, saying she hated him, just wanted him dead, called him all sorts of names......they'd been together for nearly 13 years and the two children are aged 11 and 3.

I accepted the situation and was happy to be a potential step-dad to the children and many times she invited me to spend time with her and the kids, we'd all go for walks together, i'd play video games with her son.....it was becoming a very warm and loving scene and she liked the way i was with them and made suggestions that things will be good between us.

 

So, things had been going great until mid November where she became a little distant suddenly, her tone became colder...i was worried, wondered why the sudden change in her behaviour, her affection had been withdrawn somewhat....but she was still calling and a few days passed until she wanted us to see one another again.....and it was fun again, lots of cuddling, laughing, days out etc....but i did notice she'd been talking about her ex a lot more recently, but in a nicer way, he'd been treating her well, and she was guilty about Christmas coming up and not letting him see the kids on that day.

I should point out that he was always visiting her home to see the kids, could be 3 times a week he'd visit....and there were complications with their relationship, he still supported her financially, they had a joint mortgage on the house she lived in and he could turn nasty if he found out she had a new BF

She was always wary of her little girl saying my name around him and him suspecting anything.

As it was coming up to Christmas she said she wanted to see me on Christmas day, we'd exchange our gifts....i've been looking forward to it.

 

But this past week she went cold again, the phonecalls were fewer, her tone harsher, her affection withdrawn......when she did talk she'd say that David (the ex) was being so lovely.

 

It came to a head yesterday when she told me she didn't want a relationship with me, she could only be friends...but that we'd still see one another, call and text, we'd always be more than friends, and possibly if we still get on well in a few months, then we'll see.....

 

Reasons.....David was being delightful.....he was being like he was when she fell in love with him and because she didn't want to upset their relationship because of the kids. She told me though that she didn't want to get back with him, it was just for the kids sake and if he knew about me, he could make things very difficult for her.

She also mentioned that i'd taken up so much of her time and attention and she needed to prioritise things and get her life in order.

 

So, i'm sure this girl has love for me, there's still deep feelings there..... i love her, and right now i'm confused and upset...but i don't want to give up on her..... she's told me many times she loves me, just last week............but i'm faced with a situation where she's chosen the status quo of her old relationship for the sake of the kids, over her relationship with me.

 

She hasn't shut me off, we're still in contact and friendly....but i don't know how often we'll see one another, how often we'll call or text from now on ...if there is any chance of a future with us i don't know......and it's really hurting me

[ExpatInItaly]

Prepare yourself for this ending altogether, OP.

 

She is not ready to date anyone else, and her ex is much more in her heart and mind than you realized. It's quite evident she hasn't moved on either and I would bet any money they're about to try again. She says she won't, but I don't buy it.

 

She's trying to let you down easy by still being friendly with you, but to preserve your own sanity, I would cut contact. She will do so sooner or later anyway, when David finds out about you.

 

In the future, be wary of people relatively fresh out of long relationships who spew vitriol about their exes the way she did. That was a huge clue that she wasn't over it. The second warning flag was how quickly you two were moving, especially as far as the kids were concerned. You only dated a few months and you were already hanging out with them, which in my opinion is too soon - especially when the kids are meant to keep this a secret. It's not fair to them.

 

It seems to me that she was rebounding and trying to fill the void her ex left behind by slotting you in. I believe she liked you a lot but she is not ready to really let go of her children's father yet.

[Marc878]

She's playing you. You were nothing but a rebound and now you are friend zoned.

 

Cut off all contact and go your own way.

[Jamess1]

There is a reason men tell each other to avoid single mothers, especially those who got pregnant at a younger age, or have children from different fathers. She does not love you, and never did...women hate men they love, like most of my exs : the moment you hear a woman saying how much she hates a guy, or how he is such an as_ss-hole etc run...that's her saying she really likes the guy...

 

You were only sought after for the kids, her genuine desire is for her ex, you will always be a plan B to her ex, from the start and to the end,her ex is her 'man' you are a provider for her 'kids'...she dumped you for her 'ex' not for the kids, she wants to date you for 'for the kids'. This woman is not hot for you, when a woman is hot for you she will avoid/tolerate/hate her ex because of you, it's the ex who will be hearing stories about you, not the other way round...it's the ex whose phone calls will be getting blocked..

 

 

She tells you she still loves you,or 'I am doing it for the kids etc' just enough to keep you close-by as a plan B, in case her re-flame with her ex fails again. This is extremely obvious to me, with women just observe behavior....the fact that you are willing to be a ka 'friend in-waiting' while she is with her ex, makes you less attractive to her..the fact that you can't see that she is already having seks with the ex, and that you didn't see through the lies,'makes u even less attractive'

 

How to respond: know what is going on, just get it, cut all communication, indicate an unwillingness to invest time,attention,money, to a woman who isn't fully invested in you. This is how most men friendzone themselves, if I want a girlfriend,I want a girlfriend, anythingless will be rejected and my valuable time and attention given to other woman..having such an attitude changes the dynamics...she becomes the selected not the selector, that's the secret of dating multiple women at the sametime.

 

Take it from a player,