I feel invisible

[Whatsgoingon86]

I have never been on anything like this but i hope for some advice. Im 34 shes 28.

 

Ive started to feel invisible. I text her on and She'll happily just reply 'sounds good' when ive sent her something like 'we should go for a meal soon, it would be nice to take you out xx'

It makes me feel so unappreciated. Then theres the digs, she almost knocked my tv over & i laughed & said 'woo good job that didnt fall, tv is my life' she replies 'thats pretty sad'. Theyre little digs but theyre annoying. I dont know if shes got this way because shes mad as we have argued a lot lately but weirdly we went for a nice meal the other day, she ran up to me, hugged me and said she loves me loads. The meal was amazing, we chatted, had a laugh and all seemed great. She even told me shed done xmas shopping for me. I asked her at the meal why shes been quiet and she said its tp do with her family not me, later she said how good i looked & it confused me as shes been off lately so i said 'i didnt expect compliments today haha' she replied 'well a girls got to protect herself' so i thought maybe shes just being defensive.

 

The following day the silence starts again, i text her on my dinner at work 'i hope you have a good day, last night was amazing', she read it and didnt reply. There was then an accident at work so i sent her a photo, she didnt reply. I thought im not texting a 3rd time so i uploaded the photo to my instagram, she immediatley liked the photo??? Later that evening she finally replied and it just read 'ooo what is it?' And i just felt deflated, i find it hard replying because it constantly feels like im just in the way of her day, i dont get the same buzz or feeling off her that she used to seem so kean to contact me.

 

I know shes not a big texter but the coldness of it all just makes me feel like theres no point me bothering either. She is the type to be on instagram constantly at night, facebook etc & i know shes watching her funny videos but am i expecting way too much wanting to talk more?. Theres also really weird things happening where 1 minute she gives off a vibe that shes laid back. For example a few weeks ago i mentioned how i liked a picture on her facebook from a year ago of a holiday she'd had and she replied 'youve been through my facebook? Why? Ive not been through yours yet' so it made me feel a bit stupid. Yet 3 weeks later we're at a friends & he was on about his wedding, she says 'yeah i saw the photos on deans facebook a few months back' i was like 'you saw the photos from 5 years ago? So youve been through my facbeook to then?' And she went a bit red with embarrassment and smiled. Its weird how she made me feel stupid for doing it yet shes done the same. So then my mind shifted to thinking is she just constantly pretending to not be botheted because shes scared of her feelings? She did say how with her ex she got a bit crazy & was all over him. I want that too to be honest but i cant figure out whether she's doing it because she cares a lot r whether my feelings of being unwanted are actually right. Theres parts to both sides that add up. Shes been on my facebook, she says the nicest things, bought me xmss presents, still wants to meet my friends and family etc so i feel wanted, then theres the other part, the digs, not having sex as often anymore, not texting me back. Its so confusing. Theres even things i find weird but im not sure if im being stupid expecting these things but she never gets jelous. If a girl commented on my facebook shed ask about her. Lately for example we both got into a certain film franchise, a new 1 is coming out early 2019, i shared the promo video on my facebook wall, a woman commented on it how shes excited to see it. Later in the night my gf text me 'theres a new 1 coming out next year' i said 'yh i shared the promo on my fb' she replied 'oh yeah so you did haha'. I also took a girl 1 on 1 at work to shadow me for the day, i told her about my day & how this girl had shadowed me and she just said 'ah nice one' Now the old version of my partner would of asked about her, she doesnt like any of my posts anymore & just seems so off with me like she couldnt care less what i get up to.

 

Its all trivial small things but its slowly grating on me that it feels like some game of who can pretend to care the least. Its getting exhausting as all i want is a normal healthy relationship where i can talk to my partner so i keep trying to act normal and laugh it all off. I know it may be down to the arguing this past week but when ive asked her whats on her mind she always says 'nothing im happy everything's fine'.

 

Lately ive started worrying its maybe guilt shes feeling, then im torn between is it guilt or is she mad or am i crazy imagining it all. Its really getting me down that my minds telling me somethings up yet shes saying nothings wrong.

 

My partner has gone from someone really caring, wanting to see me all the time, loads of sex almost everytime we meet, sometimes jelous... to now someone who doesn't seem to care what i do, doesnt want sex, doesnt want to text or speak as much. Its really odd as its come out of nowhere. Yet in person shes still lovey when we are out at a meal, said i looked hot, said how she loves me. I feel like im losing her & its making me back off too because it feels inevitable now yet when i asked her she said nothings wrong.

 

I do keep thinking dont overthink it. Maybe shes just upset with our arguments, got a bit defensive and see how it plays out but it is making me feel anxious that somethings on her mind but she wont tell me. I know some people close off because it saves having an argument but its getting a bit tiring. I want the old gf back. Should i just relax and see how it plays out? Or be worried?. I do feel like if she was thinking of ending it surely shed not be buying me xmas gifts and planning nye together and surely if its guilt shed of told me by now or cried randomly or something. Ive never had a partner that Closes off after an argument, my exes always told me in no uncertain terms what was wrong.

Edited December 8, 2018 by Whatsgoingon86

[ExpatInItaly]

How long have you been seeing her, OP? And what have you been arguing about recently?

 

You do sound more interested than her, based on what you have written here. She is warm sometimes, but more often than not, it sounds like you are the one putting in effort and expressing desire.

 

It's normal that in a relationship the initial thrill settles out over time, but the comfortable love it develops into is generally quite different from the feeling that someone is drifting away. I would see what happens if you take a step back and give her room to take the initiative. Don't do this as a means to punish or some such thing, but rather to gauge her true interest when you're not the one behind the wheel all the time.

 

One note, though - a woman not being jealous of innocent interactions with other women is a good thing. To me, that would generally suggest the woman in question is mature and knows when there's nothing to worry about. Don't confuse jealousy with genuine desire.

[Whatsgoingon86]

How long have you been seeing her, OP? And what have you been arguing about recently?

 

You do sound more interested than her, based on what you have written here. She is warm sometimes, but more often than not, it sounds like you are the one putting in effort and expressing desire.

 

It's normal that in a relationship the initial thrill settles out over time, but the comfortable love it develops into is generally quite different from the feeling that someone is drifting away. I would see what happens if you take a step back and give her room to take the initiative. Don't do this as a means to punish or some such thing, but rather to gauge her true interest when you're not the one behind the wheel all the time.

 

One note, though - a woman not being jealous of innocent interactions with other women is a good thing. To me, that would generally suggest the woman in question is mature and knows when there's nothing to worry about. Don't confuse jealousy with genuine desire.

 

Thats the thing its been 5 months so im concerned how dramatically it all dropped off. I hate feeling like im more invested in this and the argument was silly but we had that many small ones it culminated into a chat last weekend where she asked if i want this anymore, i said 'yes but im getting tired of these silly fights lately'. She said she wanted to try harder & i said lets just give it time. She then got annoyed saying 'it doesnt seem like you want this anymore' and stormed out. Anyway we calmed down, spoke later on that evening & decided to wipe the slate clean and go again but ever since that shes been off. Im again in 2 minds because she rarely speaks her mind. She did say how 'a girl has to protect herself' and did say 'i don't want it to ever get like it did at the weekend again' so that leads me to believe shes defensive but then The other side of me says if weve agreed to try properly again why do i feel like its only me trying now.

 

Shes never been a big texter but shed always call me after work. This past week ive been lucky to get 2 texts a day and those are short, i have to ring her also as she never calls me anymore. I kind of feel like if shes had enough, just say so. I have to keep smiling, brushing off the digs and rising above it all to avoid conflict but its reaching a point where we dont talk unless i text her. Shes also going out with friends to a house party 100 miles away tonight & staying over so im now for the 1st time since we got together worried that shes already 1 foot out the door. Which worries me as now i know i shouldnt be feeling this insecure about us. I am worried as theres guys there shes played it quiet with me to just keep herself back incase tonight an opportunity arises. I know i shouldnt feel this way but with how weve been i cant help it and dont want to admit this to her.

 

She didnt text me today & usually she would so i text her half an hour ago saying 'get there safe and have a nice time' she replied 'thanks love you'. I wish if it was that she was worried im losing interest shed say, but i dont think its that. Surely if she felt she was losing me shed be all over me, not the opposite.

 

My main worry now is that if shes worried im considering leaving, if i back off she'll feel it more that i dont care and itll upset her more Where as if it isnt that, its more the fact shes getting fed up then the more i text the more ill push her away. So im 50/50 whats best to do as i personally dont want to break up.

 

As you can see ive got a 50/50 chance of getting it right. So ive decided to meet in the middle and just text & try to be normal and wait it out.

Edited December 8, 2018 by Whatsgoingon86

[Whatsgoingon86]

Weirdly she has just text me saying 'have a nice night, i love you more than you know' hopefully this is the turning point to getting us back on track.

[ChatroomHero]

I always try to base my decisions on the actions of people and don't let their words cloud my judgement.

 

 

When a woman has backed off and something else was going on, I always had the same feeling of little things that bother me and they have never come out and said, "I don't like you as much as I did initially". They will tell me I'm great, I'm so nice to them, handsome, etc.

 

 

Their actions scream low interest or something else is going on, their words are always, "everything is great". If she lost interest or is seeing someone else, It's not like she is going to come out and say it until the very end, if she says it at all. Usually instead, when you catch on it becomes thrown at you out of the blue that somehow her saying, "you are the greatest ever" for the past 5 months should have been interpreted as, "I don't like that you do, A,B,C,D,E..." and it gets turned around on you.

 

 

That's why people on the outside can give better perspective that turns out to be true later on when you look back, they see the actions and judge based on them and don't get clouded by the words.

 

 

If you sent her the photo of the work accident and she didn't respond, it basically means she saw it and didn't feel like responding to you was important enough to take 10 seconds. I have ended things with women I texted that don't respond. I am not a big texter but I would send a text when I knew they were free and I could tell you anytime we were anywhere they would respond to any text they got within 5 seconds. Despite any reason they gave me, I knew for a fact that I was lower on the response totem pole than any of her friends. One girl told me she was out with her friends so that's why she didn't respond to a pretty important text that was time sensitive, I asked her if they were the same friends that she immediately responded to whenever we were on a date...like mid conversation...buzz...picked up her phone and texted back, every single time. Whenever I texted her she was sooo busy that she wouldn't respond to 1/2 of them and the ones she did usually she would respond 5 hours later.

 

 

Judge her on her actions, it sounds like if you do you know something is up. At the very least it sounds like you are a low priority when you are out if sight.

[PRW]

Ive started to feel invisible. I text her on and She'll happily just reply 'sounds good' when ive sent her something like 'we should go for a meal soon, it would be nice to take you out xx'

It makes me feel so unappreciated. Then theres the digs, she almost knocked my tv over & i laughed & said 'woo good job that didnt fall, tv is my life' she replies 'thats pretty sad'. Theyre little digs but theyre annoying.

 

I don't want to get buried in that long post. There is no point. What is going on is obvious from just the lines I quoted above. She isn't cold. She is bored stiff and frustrated with you. The "digs" are just the visible part of the frustration. Pay attention to what the "digs" are actually about.

 

You're first statement above,...her text of "Sounds good" is all it deserved because you really didn't offer a date. All you did was ask about what she thought about the idea of a date. So she responded with "[the idea of a date] sounds good", and the silence implies, "So when you going to actually make one?

 

The comment about the TV being your life is accurate. It is very sad. You could learn a lot from this girl if you just listen to her.

 

The only reason you two are still together is because she is clinging to the original feeling she first felt back when you first got together, but she is very very frustrated with you that you are no longer that guy in her eyes. Very soon the frustration will just be too overwhelming and she will tell you that she needs a break or that she just want to be friends, or in a more extreme possibility she will just suddenly pop up with a new guy.

[ExpatInItaly]

What were these arguments about, OP?

 

You've been seeing her for 5 months, so do you refer to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend?

[Gretchen12]

I also wonder about the arguments. Isn't that the most important thing to address here?

[Purepony]

My bet is she’s confused...

 

Screw that who wants to be in limbo like that ? Have a good talk with her and I would recommend part ways because living like this can crap you out on a daily basis

[PRW]

My bet is she’s confused...

I think she knows what is going on better than he does.

[Whatsgoingon86]

As an update:

 

She went away yesterday for a fun weekend with her friends. I backed off a little as wanted her to have a good weekend. She sent me 2 photos and 2 texts saying 'having a great time but im missing you loads' i replied how i miss her too and hope she has a nice time.

 

So again it feels like we are on track.

 

Then today comes, she was on instagram at 4am so i know she had a late night so i thought id best not text her when i woke up as she'll need the sleep. Anyway it gets to 11.30am she logs into whatsapp, logs out, doesnt send me anything but I know shes now awake. Im then thinking should i text her or should i leave her to her weekend. It just got me a bit that she didnt feel the need to say anything to me when we'd both been out. I decided not to text either. It got to 1pm and i decided ill say morning so i text her 'hiya have a nicr last day today with your friends, hope you had a good night'.

 

Am i being over sensitive here expecting her to ask how i was when she woke up. I feel like shes with her mates and im being a jerk expecting anything when shes with them but because weve been how we have lately its making me overthink loads. I hoped shed wake up, miss me and actually say something. I feel disheartened when she logs into whatsapp and doesnt say anything. It leaves me thinking should i back off myself or if she is just being defensive should i text her first. When did our relationship becone such hard work

Edited December 9, 2018 by Whatsgoingon86

[Simple Logic]

You sound needy and have internet stalking tendencies. Quit it.

[dispatch3d]

I think being so tied to social media with this girl is hurting your relationship, just my opinion.

[rightondude]

dude you need to chill or you are going to annoy her out the door with your paranoia

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I always try to base my decisions on the actions of people and don't let their words cloud my judgement.

 

When a woman has backed off and something else was going on, I always had the same feeling of little things that bother me and they have never come out and said, "I don't like you as much as I did initially". They will tell me I'm great, I'm so nice to them, handsome, etc.

 

 

Their actions scream low interest or something else is going on, their words are always, "everything is great". If she lost interest or is seeing someone else, It's not like she is going to come out and say it until the very end, if she says it at all. Usually instead, when you catch on it becomes thrown at you out of the blue that somehow her saying, "you are the greatest ever" for the past 5 months should have been interpreted as, "I don't like that you do, A,B,C,D,E..." and it gets turned around on you.

 

That's why people on the outside can give better perspective that turns out to be true later on when you look back, they see the actions and judge based on them and don't get clouded by the words.

 

 

This is so right! I've had this done to me by guys as well

 

Actions always speak louder then words because words are easy, following w/action, not so much. I've been told that I was an amazing woman, only to be left out in the cold by the same person. You usually don't find out if someone loses interest unless you press them for it. One guy I had to press for a whole week to find out he didn't want a relationship. I wasn't asking for a relationship at that point, I just wanted to know why he was being so cold. If she plays with you like that, let her be.

[kendahke]

This all sounds to me like you've got way too much time on your hands and she doesn't. She's not sitting by the phone thinking of witty things to text you--she's out living her life.

 

It'd be a good idea for you to follow suit.

[PRW]

You're going to be dumped any day now.