Girlfriend trouble 101

[boytrouble]

Hello, I just registered to this forum after reading this particular topic

 

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/480814-girl-my-dreams-says-she-doesn-t-like-get-attached

 

I was hoping to post in it but since it's too old I cannot do it

and instead I decided to open a new one and possible ask for your point of view

as my situation is pretty familiar.

 

I am a boy aged 24 (my gf is 21) and we've been together for about 3 months now. I am going to skip some of the details and cut right to chase with her fear of being attatched. As I mention the situation with the topic above is almost identical. My girl has also had relationships to which she wasn't entirely commited to emotionally, but more physically. She has a strong and independent character which pushes me back anytime I try to connect with her on a deeper level. She has her fears and I have mine, but I am way more emotional than her and that created a problem just yesterday.. as I couldn't help it and pull the 'trigger' on saying her "How I feel and what could make me feel better" to which as you probably can guess she responded with "So you're telling me that I am not being supportive enough for you?" and it all went bad from there. I went crying for the whole night, since she wanted time to think about all of this.. all and all avoiding a fight over the phone since we were not face to face when that happened. I know she is a smart girl and after talking about it today, she told me "your fears and paranoia of not beeing to good for me are resulting in me turning the 'cold shoulder'. I don't want to feel like you're taking this relationship on a too deep emotional level or I become distant. I want it to feel more loose and not so serious". After that I knew that I've made a mistake out of miscordination between my words, my emotions and my brain. I am not sure what to do with all of that, but I know that we both cried after that since we talked about it.

And she says that in order for this to work 'we need to fight our own demons'.

 

Now I am no 'push over' myself, nor do I feel like I can't continue with my life if things don't work. But it's true that the only reason I did what I did was because I love her and I know I didn't to the smartest thing.. but I am wondering what I can do now in order to somehow make things close to what they were before that..

I swear I could feel her getting ready to open up as I was assuming this is all a part of timing and being patient but I screw up and now I feel that she will never have the same faith in me as a boyfriend.. because at least until yesterday I was doing everything 'right' in her words.

It was just my insecurities of not being good enoght for her.. which I feel completely irelevant now, since having to spend the whole day thinking that I screwed up was a hell of a lot worse than supressing poison thoughts.

 

NOTE: I was hoping to contact a member by the name "morrowrd" since his advice in the old topic was really good, but I can't seem to find a PM option in the forum. However I would gladly appreciate any response to this, good or bad.. I am open for it

 

NOTE 2: And I am also sorry if I have postead that in the wrong section

Edited December 7, 2018 by boytrouble

[olivetree]

I found your post a bit hard to follow as it's pretty vague.

 

How is saying "How I feel and what could make me feel better" screwing up?

It's pretty important to be able to say how you feel to your partner.

 

It sounds like you want a deeper emotional connection than she does.

That doesn't make you wrong, it just makes you incompatible.

[boytrouble]

It felt wrong to make her feel bad and that made me feel bad and I felt terrible by the situation not by what I had to say.

 

I know she puts effort, she's constantly trying to be more open and accepting but the thing is I can't always try to make up what she wants to say by the way she acts. Sometimes I want to hear more than just "you're not" and "it's not true" to any thing I say related to how terible I feel about myself sometimes ..I do miss that.

 

But I can't say she doesn't appologies for any minor thing that she might say or do.. even to a point where I feel like a 'saint' in her presence.

The thing is she is too good for me and I am looking for a way to make her feel secure enough in me again and not expecting another 'burst' like this one..

cause now I know that the relationship took a 'few steps back' and I need to reassure herself of my intentions.

[olivetree]

I'm still finding your posts a bit vague.

I think some actual examples would help and provide context.

 

This is what I did get though:

 

If you've been dating for three months and already had a night of crying and you're constantly saying how bad you feel about yourself, that can really push someone away and drag them down.

Things should generally be more lighthearted, especially so early on.

I think you should talk to a therapist so you're not bringing a depressing mood to the relationship all of the time.

It's good to be able to lean on your partner but there should be a balance.

It should be mostly fun.

 

That is a bit of a separate issue though from her not being able to attach to you.

[boytrouble]

I'm still finding your posts a bit vague.

I think some actual examples would help and provide context.

 

This is what I did get though:

 

If you've been dating for three months and already had a night of crying and you're constantly saying how bad you feel about yourself, that can really push someone away and drag them down.

Things should generally be more lighthearted, especially so early on.

I think you should talk to a therapist so you're not bringing a depressing mood to the relationship all of the time.

It's good to be able to lean on your partner but there should be a balance.

It should be mostly fun.

 

That is a bit of a separate issue though from her not being able to attach to you.

 

I do tend to attach quickly and fall in love quickly so I can see that being

one of the things I should try to avoid.

I'll try to do what you say as far as figuring out where is this coming from.

 

As for examples:

1. She had a 1 year relationship and another 6 months one to which I believe she wasn't completely investead as she also has this thing of not wanting to meet family members and relatives. She did meet them with them and after the breakout didn't wanted to rush into this. I understand that. I also understand that we started dating very soon after she ended that relationship, maybe because she saw something in me which I never saw in myself.. and has stated from the start that she wants to take everything really slow in contrast to me as I want to go all out when I believe I have found my girl.On the other hand I've never ever wanted to put a girl in front of my family. This is the only one I've ever been so serious. If only I had remained understanding, instead of eager and dragged in my emotions.

 

2. The trust and sharing issues, in contrast to her I have shared everything.. from childhood trauma, to deepest fears, including those about the relationship.. I did give her a lof of things to think about but I can only try and slow myself from here on now even though a part of my mind tells me I've already destroyed the relationship and it will probably run on for another few months as I fear she may never return the same affection she had until now.

 

3. She told that in her opinion my 'personal issues' come from before we met and that they have shaped my character to a certain degree to which she has to learn to cope with like I have to learn to cope with hers.

That makes me feel secure enough with her trying ot be reasonable and all but I am still not sure if that damage has already been done and I am in the 'boyfriend zone' for just a borrowed time.

 

NOTE: I never planned to fall in love, but I am not willing to leave her because of that. I don't think it's something I can't fix or cope with for her

Edited December 7, 2018 by boytrouble

[PRW]

You have t3o be a memeber for a period of time before it gives you PM rights.

 

You did some serious screwing up here. You probably know where. But let me comment on a few things.

 

My girl has also had relationships to which she wasn't entirely commited to emotionally, but more physically. She has a strong and independent character which pushes me back

There is nothing wrong with her. She's fine. Women are responders. So if you present yourself properly then they will respond properly and all will be well. That is why I come down harder on the guys than I do the women,...if the guys have their act together the women will be just fine. So yea, that means I think most relationship problems fall on the guy.

 

[telling]... her "How I feel and what could make me feel better" to which as you probably can guess she responded with "So you're telling me that I am not being supportive enough for you?" and it all went bad from there.

Yea, you're lucky it didn't go worse. This made you look weak in her eyes. Just being analytical, not insulting. Women are turned on by a guy who presents himself as, "Don't worry,..I got this". They want to feel safe and secure with you,...you are their refuge even if it is just emotional and not physical. But they can't feel like that with a guy who is complaining and crying that he doesn't think his needs are met.

 

she told me "your fears and paranoia of not beeing to good for me are resulting in me turning the 'cold shoulder'. I don't want to feel like you're taking this relationship on a too deep emotional level or I become distant. I want it to feel more loose and not so serious".

That is just a bunch of words that comes down to she wants you to man-up, be self sufficient. That means you're life is supposed to be "solid" even if she isn't in it. She wants to be a partaker of your life at her own pace,...she doesn't want to be the source or center of your life or be the foundation of your happiness,...that is just too much of a burden to bear and will leave her exhausted and frustrated (you are seeing the "frustrated" part).

 

Now I am no 'push over' myself, nor do I feel like I can't continue with my life if things don't work.

Well that is not what I am seeing, at least not in the moments you described above, but, yes that is the goal and keep working toward that.

 

But it's true that the only reason I did what I did was because I love her and I know I didn't to the smartest thing..

Re-think that one and be more introspective about it. In reality it was selfish based. You were thinking about your emotional needs, not hers. You were thinking about what you were lacking,...and expected her to fulfill it. That is not love, that is lust (and I don't mean the sexual kind). It is a lust for what you can get out of the relationship from the girl,...even if it is just affirmation and an emotional boost. Love is what happens when you work toward what you can bring to the table for her benefit, and right now based on her words, is to let her be able to breath and relax.

 

but I am wondering what I can do now in order to somehow make things close to what they were before that..

I strongly recommend you get Corey Wayne's book "How to be a 3% Man".

It is short.

It is cheap.

It is worth every penny of the $20 bucks or so to get it.

 

It is not a "dating book". It is a self-help for men book, but written in the context of dating and relationships. It is also kind of an auto-biography of his journey. The guy has made every mistake himself earlier in his life that he is trying to teach others to avoid. He also has a YouTube channel called "Coach Corey Wayne".

Edited December 7, 2018 by PRW

[boytrouble]

I sure will, thank you

[boytrouble]

One in thing I didn't get through with your response..

you never said if there is a slight possibility if by "some miracle"..

 

I managed to give her the distance she wants.

To not bring anything that will make her feel pressured and make me appear less

than the man I was three months ago

(where I sure as hell was more confident that I can give her what she needs

and when I were the one to say.. "My life is screwed up right not.. but I am gonna make it work" as that was the case when we first were talking)

And to be more supportive even a bit more distant for a time being until I feel like she's ready for me to get close to her again.

 

Is it possible to make it up for my moment of weakness here?

[fromheart]

"your fears and paranoia of not beeing to good for me are resulting in me turning the 'cold shoulder'. I don't want to feel like you're taking this relationship on a too deep emotional level or I become distant. I want it to feel more loose and not so serious".

 

A long time ago, I was similar to you.

 

In your present situation, what I would do now is quite simply withdraw from her, on an emotional level.

 

I would enjoy sex and friendship with her, which is where she's at right now. I'd consider an open relationship, and go down that path.

 

Perhaps she'll get more emotional later, but I've learned from experience that a woman warning of the 'cold shoulder,' means she has a cold side, and is therefore not one to commit to emotionally.

 

You've got to consider what is a good emotional investment and what is not. Your love is a precious thing, you know that you are capable of deep caring for the right woman. But it is a two way connection, that she the woman must initiate. You let her come to you with the emotional thing, or just date her and enjoy the friendship and sex.

 

You seem to want the loving experience, but your approaching it with an addictive, needy quality. It's not going to happen that way. And to be honest, she doesn't sound like one to get hung up on.

 

I'd strongly suggest checking Corey Wayne, his videos are on youtube.

[smackie9]

She is who she is and to try and change her to suit your needs is WRONG. The adult thing to do is to realize she cannot give you what you need from a relationship. There is no magic spell, or pickup artist gimmick that will make her emotionally attach to you. It is what it is...either you just suck it up and stay until you can't stand it no longer or rip the band-aid off and move on.

 

 

Dating different people is how we learn about ourselves and our expectations....and you should never ever lower your standards or sacrifice your needs to stay with someone. It hurts and it sucks, but walking away is not always a bad thing.

[PRW]

One in thing I didn't get through with your response..

you never said if there is a slight possibility if by "some miracle"..

 

It doesn't take a miracle. You just have to present yourself properly, the rest will take care of itself. It doesn't sound like she dumped you.

 

I managed to give her the distance she wants.

Good. Just make sure it is breathing room without coming across as ignoring her.

 

"My life is screwed up right not.. but I am gonna make it work"

Right. But you never say that to her. That just says, "I'm weak and worthless,...but I won't be later,...you just watch!". Sounds silly and weak doesn't it? It is about "doing" and not "saying". When in doubt,...keep the mouth shut.

 

Is it possible to make it up for my moment of weakness here?

You don't "make up" for anything. It is not a game of points. You just start acting correctly, that's it. It is your job to make the dates, show up and have fun. Her job on the date is to show up, look hot, and have fun. Don't burden her with expecting her to help plan the date and making decisions. If you were seeing each other let's say 4 times a week, cut it back to maybe 2. If there was a lot of mindless chit-chat and texting going on between the dates then dial that back a bit. If she starts to initiate more contact toward you then use that as the que to set another date. This lets the dates be regulated somewhat by how much she reaches out to you. In a way, the dates sort of become her idea that way and she will feel better about them. Don't ever ignore her contact,...and when you are in contact never burden her with whining about whatever your "woes" are.

 

You spend time with that book and you will figure the rest out.

 

Whatever you do,...never ever ever go on an "apology tour" with her. It comes across as weak, disgusting, and groveling. Apologizing is also the equivalent of looking backward instead of forward. It just keeps reminding the person you are apologizing to of the "bad stuff" better forgotten. Now if you did something wrong like trip her going out the door and she falls and breaks a leg,...yes by all means apologize (and probably take her to the hospital). But this other stuff,...put it behind you. Tomorrow is always a new day. Every time you see her,...it is a new day,...always look forward.

Edited December 7, 2018 by PRW

[Gretchen12]

I also understand that we started dating very soon after she ended that relationship, maybe because she saw something in me which I never saw in myself.. and has stated from the start that she wants to take everything really slow

 

 

If you're a rebound, nothing you do will make a difference. It doesn't mean she wants to reconnect with her ex. She might just want your type to give her the attention post breakup.

 

"I don't want to feel like you're taking this relationship on a too deep emotional level or I become distant."

She's telling you she's not available. No surprises.

[boytrouble]

That does make sense, can't believe It comes out that stupid to the other person.

 

She didn't dump me, but if I don't change something fast

I may sure be down the line.

 

So I'll use what I learned now and hopefully see how it will come

out in the end.

 

Learning what I can from a relationship that might end at some point is not that bad than ending it now and come out as an even bigger coward.

The man thing will be to 'suck it up' and fix my mess by consistence and effort.

I don't see it any other way after reading what you all said.

 

But I will check that book for sure

[boytrouble]

If you're a rebound, nothing you do will make a difference. It doesn't mean she wants to reconnect with her ex. She might just want your type to give her the attention post breakup.

 

"I don't want to feel like you're taking this relationship on a too deep emotional level or I become distant."

She's telling you she's not available. No surprises.

 

Not sure if I am a rebound, I was more the "I didn't plan to meet you that soon after finishing my relationship" kind of guy.

She said she was 'steady' with not 'going into another relationship for at least a while'

I may take a lot of advice from here but I am no rebound, for that I am sure.

[boytrouble]

I wish to require a deletion of this topic as well as my account for the matter.

After taking everything that I've received from you guys under consideration..

 

I've come to these conclusions.

 

1. I made a mistake, but it's not the end of the world.

After all being a man means screwing up from time to time..

that's how we learn and I am sure that nobody has learn

everything by just scrolling down topics in forums.

 

2. You are free to say that man should be appearing emotionless and all on the act 'James Bond' characters that need

to be careful what they say and what they do.. but girls should do too.

They depend on us for physical, emotional and spiritual support.

We depend too. It's called emancipation and I believe it should be taken under consideration because nobody owes nobody anything.

I learn that the hard way and I will keep most of the thoughts for myself from now on.

 

3. Coming out from point 2. I decided to give her what she wants and by

that way earn her trust slowly after my current 'silent treatment' hopefully ends. She seemed willing to continue working on the relationship and I hope she does because I am willing to continue working on it too.

 

4. The biggest mistake I madeby far was to ask the internet about what I should and should not do. The same kind of mistake I probably would have made is by sharing or asking anybody in particular for that matter (friend or relative). You don't know her, nor you know me.. you can't know from where we come as a couple, as two people battling their problems in silence hoping to not make the other feel bad. The only people who can actually help this relationship are myself and herself.

 

With that being said, I am thankfull for the opportunity and I hope you will fulfill my request by deleting this.

After I slept out on everything that happened yesterday and the night before, I would feel worse knowing that my story is being left here on public disposal making people think how desperate I must be and how much 'lost'.

 

The truth is I am neither, I am a normal man with his flaws.

Edited December 8, 2018 by boytrouble

[PRW]

You would have to click the Alert button and then state these things within that message.

 

I hope you still get the book I mentioned. It was life changing for me. I used to do all the things you did wrong, but probably way worse than you. That book "saved" me.

 

BTW - I understand the feeling. If I was having issues with someone I would not come here asking about it. This is more of a discussion environment, not a true advice source where you would have paid professionals giving advice in private with confidentiality. Here it is public with everyone competing and debating over it. That is why the real dating coaches out there have their own web sites, YouTube channels and such to have a more controlled environment,...and charge for their advice. Although the buyer must beware, not all of them are correct either. You can get some really bad advice from a lot of them.

 

Something I see often is how people create their account names. When I created my account here I made it neutral. Many name themselves in some way related to the question they are asking,...which is a bad move. What happens when you are long past the problem and your screen name is still "Lost&Lonely777" or something like that? Mine for example is just my initials, it is still plenty anonymous enough, but has no other special meaning.

Edited December 8, 2018 by PRW