BMWN52 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) I've come to the realization tonight that my past year of trials and tribulations, has really taught me alot. Not just about myself, about life and other people. Admittedly, I've spoken to a therapist today over the phone. Such a godsend My situation this year. I was engaged for almost 2 years and broken up with in May. House cleaned out, rings left on the table on Mothers day. Naturally, I was devastated. I didn't do anything wrong, never cheated or anything out of malice. I wasn't the best provider I could be financially. I literally could not afford her on a single income, even though she had a good job she was buried in debt from college. I tried to make things work with her 100k debt. She decided that I was the problem and left me out to hang and dry. That was a horrible pain, I wish nobody would go through. Fast forward to September, I thought I could " run away" and have a fresh start so I decided to goto Portland Oregon. I met a girl online, we hit it off. great chemistry, the whole nine yards etc. Things went well for 2 weeks, she asked me to commit to a relationship right away. I told her I needed time, but was still interested. She became impatient and took her ball home a few weeks later after I went home and ended things with me. Heartbroken again, I found myself reliving trauma and old wounds. self-doubt, questioning why this was happening to me again. I was alone in an unfamiliar city ( Portland) staying in motels, considering renting properties. I was alone and hurt. As of tonight. I've come to the realization the people I was with themselves were not fully healed from their past drama of relationships! My ex fiance-had a tendency to look up her ex-boyfriend behind my back, because he did her " wrong". She eventually cheated on me also, when she first expressed dislike of cheaters from her prior relationship. How ironic. This last girl came from a relationship that wasn't fully finished nor was she healed. I was used as a temporary painkiller to smooth her needs and pain. Admittingly, I have conveyed the wrong signals in the beginning. But she was not patient with me. I was cautious, I indicated that I liked her by talking to her every day till she blew out the candle. I asked myself why would I go through all this pain and trouble back to back like this? Questioned myself, lost sleep, cried,etc. Now I can see it clear as day, I've had my moment of clarity tonight and " cloud nine". I'm glad I can work on myself and prepare for the next relationship to be healthy. I thought all these troubles had no meaning, I was simply having " bad luck". I didn't understand at the time. But now I've come out of this with a profound sense of clarity. I feel like I'm glowing writing this. Both of them have rushed back into relationships without fixing or acknowledging their issues. This heartache has actually given me a moment to reflect and understand things on a much better level. They were examples presented to me of partners that were not healthy or capable of " true love". To everyone that is going through this, you may not fully understand right now. But you will. The light of the tunnel will come. Edited December 7, 2018 by BMWN52 2
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