Feel such a fool: Relocated for him and he immediately dumped me.

[Heartbroken_xx]

I know this is kind of foolish of me but I’m having a hard time dealing with it, wanted to vent. Regret being so trusting and can’t believe someone would be so cold.

 

I work and travel remotely as a “Digital Nomad” and freelancer. I’m originally from the UK but spent some months in Barcelona in early 2017 where I met a Spanish man and fell in love. I extended my trip for him and after a year we moved in together. At this point things were not going well. He started criticising me a lot and picking fault with everything I did. I spent a lot of time crying or upset and he really knocked my confidence. If I told him how he hurt me, he’d twist it around so it seemed like my fault, give me the silent treatment or tell me he didn’t care. I eventually got sick of it and left to go and stay with my parents in the UK.

 

He chased me to the airport frantically in tears. When I got home, he called me every day and asked me to return telling me he missed me. I loved Barcelona and we agreed that we would work on our issues and since we were fighting, I’d temporarily live separately. I flew all that way back and he was there waiting for me at the airport. We had a wonderful two days and then when I got to the new place he called and dumped me saying he didn't see it working. I had never been so hurt and upset in my life. He never bothered to check up on me and that was probably the worst few weeks of my life. Everything reminded me of him and I was living from an airbnb so I decided to leave.

 

I went to Italy and spent three months there trying to get over it. I blocked his number but he kept emailing me or finding new ways to contact. Again he was begging, pleading me to return. I told him that he had really hurt me and I could never go through that again. I should have blocked him then, but I was weak and really loved him. He promised me he wouldn't hurt me and he'd made a big mistake. After a few months of him calling me every day I went back to him. I was so happy to see him, and we had a nice few weeks.

 

 

Then one day I was going to meet friends and he offered to take me. In the car ride he was reeling off criticisms about my outfit, my work ethic, etc. I ended up crying and not wanting to go out so we just drove in a circle and went back home.

 

He then told me that he was bored of me, and when I told him I couldn’t believe he’d done the same thing again, he acted like it was no big deal that I'd travelled to another country.

 

He even brought up the matter of some bills I apparently hadn’t paid my share of way back last summer!! He said he can’t help his feelings and he’s just being honest that he no longer wants to be with me. This was three days ago. Now I’m renting an Airbnb. I’m realising this is toxic and I need to be strong and move on but I’m so angry at myself for being foolish, and I’m so hurt that someone who claimed to be so crazy about me at first could suddenly turn so cold and have no problem doing that to me or telling me “I’m bored” with no empathy. It's not like I moved across town, but across countries.

 

I have some good friends here so I can keep occupied and busy, but when we were living together, we spent most of our time together. Now I am spending long periods alone, especially since I work from home, and would never have been in that situation if I hadn't come back here for him. I feel so stupid

[BaileyB]

I’m sorry you are lonely and sad.

 

Basically, you trusted the wrong man. You ignored the red flags and your intuition, and you trusted the wrong man. It’s a hard lesson to learn, but I doubt you will make this mistake again...

 

Do you realize that there is more here than the fact that you relocated and HE left YOU. This man was emotionally abusive to you - and you stayed, you went back. You would still be with him if he hadn’t left the relationship... YOU need to do some hard thinking about that!

 

In terms of moving forward, can you return home? Can you travel and work somewhere else? What can you do to connect with people and get some support and social interactions. It’s time to make some big decisions - stay or leave. Whatever you decide, one thing is for certain... your life will be much better without this man. Best wishes to you.

[Heartbroken_xx]

I know, I realise that I shouldn't have stuck around.

 

I know it sounds stupid but I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that suddenly one day, it was like a switch had been flipped inside him. He went from being the sweetest guy that I spent every moment with, to someone who would say hurtful things and watch me cry and never apologise.

 

It went on for three months almost his asking me to come back here and contacting me every day telling me he was going to be loyal and wait for me, he really missed me and he'd never do it again, I know I was so stupid to trust him but can't believe he'd put me through all that only to end it again.

 

I'm leaving next week for 3 weeks over Christmas. I have some other friends here and have made this city my home over the last year and a half so I will try and rebuild my life without him, just struggling to come to terms with it all. The ending was so strange and abrupt also - lets me go all that way, spend time together and then "I'm bored".

[BaileyB]

No doubt about it. His behavior is strange and very hurtful.

 

I’m glad to hear that you have friends in the new city and I wish you well as you move forward.

[Highndry]

This guy is a major d-bag. You should consider yourself lucky that he's not in your life anymore, and definitely never speak to him again. Block him from all means of contact.

[Simple Logic]

You do realize after you leave he will try to get you back again.

[Gretchen12]

Don't feel stupid. You are a softie, you were kind and sincere with him. When he begged, you had empathy for him. You're fine, don't blame yourself. You just had bad luck meeting this strange guy. He is not normal. He's unpredictable and mean. You should continue to trust others in the future because most people are not so crazy like him. Just don't take him back again.

[damni]

It sounds like you are in an abusive relationship, look up the cycle of abuse. He will come back again eventually, begging for forgiveness then he just be an dick again.

 

Have some self respect and move on for good this time. This is all a game to him and you are his willing toy.

[Saracena]

This guy is manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive bully. In addition, I wouldn't be surprised to learn he also had some from of personality disorder of mental illness. Out of interest, have you met any other family members esp parents?

 

Actually, ironically OP you're not the first (foreign) woman I've heard of who's got involved with a guy from this very same country and had a very similar experience in terms of these character traits!

[Andy_K]

I know it sounds stupid but I'm having a hard time dealing with the fact that suddenly one day, it was like a switch had been flipped inside him. He went from being the sweetest guy that I spent every moment with, to someone who would say hurtful things and watch me cry and never apologise.

 

He didn't change overnight. Nobody does. You just misread him. He wasn't ever in love with you, and quite plainly never genuinely cared about your feelings. He was in love with the attention you gave him and with getting his own way. He was sweet because you loved it and it fed his ego. Every time he apologised, every time has begged for you to come back, it was for his benefit and not for yours. Your feelings were not important to him at any point. At least, no more than absolutely necessary to make him happy.

 

For your next relationship, learn what it means for someone to genuinely care for your feelings and happiness. It's not the same as missing you or wanting to be with you.

[ExpatInItaly]

He didn't change overnight. Nobody does. You just misread him. He wasn't ever in love with you, and quite plainly never genuinely cared about your feelings. He was in love with the attention you gave him and with getting his own way. He was sweet because you loved it and it fed his ego. Every time he apologised, every time has begged for you to come back, it was for his benefit and not for yours. Your feelings were not important to him at any point. At least, no more than absolutely necessary to make him happy.

 

I agree.

 

He's been a jerk almost from the get-go, OP. In the future, please do heed the red flags and stay away from people like him.

 

And keep him blocked forever. If you don't, I imagine you'll be back in Spain within a few months trying to work things out. Again. And you'll get your heart broken. Again.

[bathtub-row]

This is how abusive people operate and how women get sucked into these relationships. He will forever be this way - manipulative and hurtful. If you had stuck around long enough, he would eventually isolate you from everyone and you would crawl into an emotional hell that you wouldn’t know how to get out of.

 

No matter what sweet and charming side these people show you, no matter what good you think you see in them, they are monsters and they do not change. I hope you read that sentence again because it’s an absolute truth based on years of research and observation. Abusers get a thrill out of controlling and hurting others. Most normal people can’t wrap their minds around this concept but, as I often say, abusers are sub-human and are the scum of the earth.

 

I’ll say something that may surprise you - that feeling of stupidity you feel, it’s a good thing. You feel that deep down inside and hopefully it’ll be an extreme reminder to you to never, ever allow yourself to be manipulated like this again. When a person shows you who they are, believe them. It’s one thing to be a nice person, it’s another to be gullible and have no self-preservation skills. Thank this nut-job for teaching you a valuable lesson.

 

There’s a book that I recommend to anyone who was ever with someone like this. It’s entitled “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. The author studied thousands of abusers and his observations are astounding and right on the money. So, if you really want to know just how unfixable your ex is and how he really operates, read the book.

[Heartbroken_xx]

This guy is manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive bully. In addition, I wouldn't be surprised to learn he also had some from of personality disorder of mental illness. Out of interest, have you met any other family members esp parents?

 

Actually, ironically OP you're not the first (foreign) woman I've heard of who's got involved with a guy from this very same country and had a very similar experience in terms of these character traits!

 

Well I knew there were some strange things going on with him anyway. After we were together for a year, he told me that he had been on antidepressants and medication for OCD. According to him his mum has some mental issues (didn't push to ask what they were) and he'd struggled with depression in the past but refused to speak to a doctor again because it was "embarassing". I told him to speak to his mum about things and apparently she told him he should not be taking medication like she is and he was crazy...

 

 

I haven't met his family, though they know I exist. They are quite conservative and religious and from a random village here. They never really approved of me being foreign.

[Heartbroken_xx]

He didn't change overnight. Nobody does. You just misread him. He wasn't ever in love with you, and quite plainly never genuinely cared about your feelings. He was in love with the attention you gave him and with getting his own way. He was sweet because you loved it and it fed his ego. Every time he apologised, every time has begged for you to come back, it was for his benefit and not for yours. Your feelings were not important to him at any point. At least, no more than absolutely necessary to make him happy.

 

For your next relationship, learn what it means for someone to genuinely care for your feelings and happiness. It's not the same as missing you or wanting to be with you.

 

I realise you're right about never caring, but it really was strange. It was that as soon as I met him, it felt really special and we were inseparable. There was never any oddness until we moved in together and he became unbearable with his criticisms and fits of rage. That's why I was so shocked, it wasn't though I dated him a few weeks and he was rude from the get-go, it took a year to reveal these things.

[Heartbroken_xx]

This is how abusive people operate and how women get sucked into these relationships. He will forever be this way - manipulative and hurtful. If you had stuck around long enough, he would eventually isolate you from everyone and you would crawl into an emotional hell that you wouldn’t know how to get out of.

 

No matter what sweet and charming side these people show you, no matter what good you think you see in them, they are monsters and they do not change. I hope you read that sentence again because it’s an absolute truth based on years of research and observation. Abusers get a thrill out of controlling and hurting others. Most normal people can’t wrap their minds around this concept but, as I often say, abusers are sub-human and are the scum of the earth.

 

I’ll say something that may surprise you - that feeling of stupidity you feel, it’s a good thing. You feel that deep down inside and hopefully it’ll be an extreme reminder to you to never, ever allow yourself to be manipulated like this again. When a person shows you who they are, believe them. It’s one thing to be a nice person, it’s another to be gullible and have no self-preservation skills. Thank this nut-job for teaching you a valuable lesson.

 

There’s a book that I recommend to anyone who was ever with someone like this. It’s entitled “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. The author studied thousands of abusers and his observations are astounding and right on the money. So, if you really want to know just how unfixable your ex is and how he really operates, read the book.

 

Thank you for your comment, I know you're right.

Sometimes he'd make me really upset about something and he'd just watch me cry with absolutely no empathy which I found really scary. I just can't believe he'd let me spend so much time, money and effort coming back here.

[Saracena]

Well I knew there were some strange things going on with him anyway. After we were together for a year, he told me that he had been on antidepressants and medication for OCD. According to him his mum has some mental issues (didn't push to ask what they were) and he'd struggled with depression in the past but refused to speak to a doctor again because it was "embarassing". I told him to speak to his mum about things and apparently she told him should not be taking medication like she is and he was crazy... .

 

Ah! Suspected as much. Furthermore, you'll in all probability find his mother had a very similar diagnosis and personality. I've little doubt also he inherited a lot of his abusive behaviours from her.

 

I worked with a woman once (in fact, I've worked with a few from there) who I would have described as mad(!) in terms of her abusive outbursts and irrational little rants in a very professional work environment. One minute she could be really nice and caring and the next, when something annoyed her (she frequently misunderstood things owing to language difficulties, despite living here a very long time ) a switch flipped and she became a virtual madwoman, unleashing all kinds of insulting and abusive remarks and comments on other members of staff! It was like walking on eggshells with her around, knowing at any minute anything could set her off. In her case, by her own admission, it transpired her own mother was exactly the same! In the end she lost her job owing to the numerous complaints about her.

 

I have to say, coming from a culture where we're more 'even-keeled', I found her behaviour quite shocking and at times, frightening. I've become very wary of anyone who exhibits any of these traits and some of the others from there were just as temperamental at times!

 

OP, while I'm truly sorry you found yourself in this position, you've really dodged a bullet here! Do not reconnect with this individual ever again. Be thankful you got out at this point.

[bathtub-row]

I realise you're right about never caring, but it really was strange. It was that as soon as I met him, it felt really special and we were inseparable. There was never any oddness until we moved in together and he became unbearable with his criticisms and fits of rage. That's why I was so shocked, it wasn't though I dated him a few weeks and he was rude from the get-go, it took a year to reveal these things.

 

I disagree with the part about him not loving you. I’m sure he did but love to these guys means control, abuse and manipulation. They’re dangerous when they love someone and they’re extremely cunning. It’s not about love, it’s about their evil minds.

[bathtub-row]

Thank you for your comment, I know you're right.

Sometimes he'd make me really upset about something and he'd just watch me cry with absolutely no empathy which I found really scary. I just can't believe he'd let me spend so much time, money and effort coming back here.

 

He did it to entrap you. You just can’t see or don’t believe that he’s truly evil deep down inside because overall he put on a good performance.

 

Do not be surprised when he tries to weave himself back into your life. I hope you’re prepared to shut him down completely when he does.

[FMW]

It sounds like you really did love him and treated him with care and tenderness. That makes it so much harder to come to terms with the fact he could be so cold and hurtful to you.

 

I know what it feels like to be stunned and just not understand how he could have treated you that way. You'll get to a much better place emotionally soon, but you have to absolutely cut all ties with him. Because the others are right, it's almost certain he will come back around again.

 

When he does be strong, remember how many times he's hurt you and accept that he's just not going to change. Block him to the extent you can and just don't respond if he gets around those measures. Don't agree to see or talk to him ever again.

 

It sounds like you are able to move and live somewhere else so go and enjoy new experiences and meet new people and enjoy your life. Just make sure you learn this lesson well and don't ignore red flags in the future.

 

Things WILL get better if you choose to close the door on him for good.

[butwhytho]

He’s a narcissist. Get away and stop all communication!!

[Charlierose30]

Hi Heartbroken,

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Believe me when I say I know how you feel because I went through something similar a month or so ago (please check my posts).

I struggled with everything you are, especially the why. Why did he let me uproot myself if he didn’t want to be with me? Was it all a lie?

Unfortunately you may never get the answers to these questions (I still haven’t) but what you must remember is that you do not deserve to be treated this way. You loved this man with all your heart and this is how he repays you? He is the one missing out, you deserve so much more.

[Heartbroken_xx]

It sounds like you really did love him and treated him with care and tenderness. That makes it so much harder to come to terms with the fact he could be so cold and hurtful to you.

 

I know what it feels like to be stunned and just not understand how he could have treated you that way. You'll get to a much better place emotionally soon, but you have to absolutely cut all ties with him. Because the others are right, it's almost certain he will come back around again.

 

When he does be strong, remember how many times he's hurt you and accept that he's just not going to change. Block him to the extent you can and just don't respond if he gets around those measures. Don't agree to see or talk to him ever again.

 

It sounds like you are able to move and live somewhere else so go and enjoy new experiences and meet new people and enjoy your life. Just make sure you learn this lesson well and don't ignore red flags in the future.

 

Things WILL get better if you choose to close the door on him for good.

 

Thank you.

I had a really bad two days with this and I've been quite pathetic with him again. Maybe this has finally been the shock I needed

 

On Friday night he called me to say that he'd been out with a bar with friends and he was upset and really missed me and couldn't think of anything else.

 

At 4am he was frantically messaging saying he wanted to come over and see me and I said no, I was going to bed.

 

Saturday morning he was texting again, talking about meeting after work to discuss a few things. I agreed because we ended in a fiery row over nothing really, I thought it would be nice to speak about things logically.

 

At the very last minute he called me knowing I'd set aside the evening for him and not gone out with my friends to say that his friends were going out drinking and "it was Saturday night after all".

 

I told him to go out with his friends then and forget it, and he made a whole "No it's okay it's okay it's not a big deal I'll do as I said" which he then follows up with "but I'm single and this is still over so nothing changes" and what he does is none of my business now.

 

Wow wtf. I told him I was an idiot for even speaking to him again, thinking he wanted to talk like adults or genuinely missed me. He patronisingly told me to "use my brain and think if someone calls me to come over at 4am on Friday night if relationship is on the mind". Now I'm almost 30, I'm not stupid, but since this is an almost two year relationship where we lived together, it's hardly pointed to a booty call situation has it?

 

Anyway he said some really mean and blunt things and said he didn't need the stress and pressure of someone else. I hung up on him and then he just came over to my place anyway.

He was ringing the doorbell and texting like "answer the phone, idiot, open the door, idiot". When I went down to see what on earth he wanted, he had bought a movie over and some dinner - wtf? I had been so upset, looked like **** and my eyes were puffy and he was acting like no argument had happened and started talking generically about having a Saturday night in together. I found it all kind of insane and he messes with my head.

 

I said we really needed to speak about what he was doing, he said "I don't want to talk about that right now" anyway we argued because he said I kept "bringing things up" and he left.... I'm not getting how he thought after all that I'd be like "Oh hiya, come in and let's watch that I'll get the wine, how was your day?" Makes me feel like I'm going crazy

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy sounds unhinged, OP. He is bordering on harassment here now. Showing up uninvited and insulting you until you caved and opened the door to him is a serious red flag. He isn't playing with a full deck and you need to see these warning signs for what they are. His behaviour is very troubling.

 

It makes zero sense to you because he's not wired the same way you are. This is an emotionally and verbally abusive bully with no respect for you or logical boundaries. He doesn't give a crap about what you think or feel; it's all about him maintaining power and control and breaking you down.

 

Stop engaging with him. Period. You are not going to get the mature conversation you want nor the answers you seek.

 

This is an abuser. Full stop.

[hotpotato]

This guy is manipulative, controlling and emotionally abusive bully. In addition, I wouldn't be surprised to learn he also had some from of personality disorder of mental illness. Out of interest, have you met any other family members esp parents?

 

Actually, ironically OP you're not the first (foreign) woman I've heard of who's got involved with a guy from this very same country and had a very similar experience in terms of these character traits!

 

Oh dang.

Sorry to hear about your situation, op!

I suspect he had another woman, and that's why he's so wishy-washy.

When you left him, you took control away from him. He wants the breakup to be on his terms, when he wants it.

[Heartbroken_xx]

Oh dang.

Sorry to hear about your situation, op!

I suspect he had another woman, and that's why he's so wishy-washy.

When you left him, you took control away from him. He wants the breakup to be on his terms, when he wants it.

 

I really don't think that there is or was another woman involved. When we are apart he is constantly giving me a play by play of his day and in constant communication. He's also quite shy and reserved and not that type really. It's just he is constantly hopping between really nasty and cold and really apologetic and nice.