Uneasy728 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 My bf and I do love each other after 5 years but unlike him who can discuss and wants to move forward about our future including marriage I am paralyzed when it comes to this issue. We are both in our 60s and he is divorced but I’m widowed. I think I’m afraid because of either or both these reasons: I’m afraid of losing someone I love like my late husband. I almost didn’t survive that loss and I’m still grieving after 7 years. Or He has very little money saved and lives paycheck to paycheck and I’ve worked hard all my life and saved money for a decent retirement so I’m scared I’ll end up supporting him. My daughter feels he isn’t good for me especially since he could become a financial issue. She also doesn’t feel he isn’t a moral guy because he has lied to me in the past. I don’t want to leave him but can’t keep on leading him on that we will live together soon and then possibly marry if I’m so hesistent. Does anyone have any thoughts?
darkmoon Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 you will end up supporting him you two do not have to live together, the Swedes have such a relationship model, committed but living apart
Gretchen12 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 At your ages what is the purpose of marriage? I think "move forward" has different meaning for young couples. They want to raise a family. For older folks, myself included, move forward to what? I assume exclusivity you already have, you are a couple. Don't ever be pressured into something you didn't want.
chillii Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Haven't you already asked this one a few times , or is that just someone else and coincidence . Anyway , l dunno. Few things. Wondering why he's broke , did ex clean him out and he's still paying for her.? The other thing is , it's suppose to be the days of equality , but but it's always the women complaining they don't wanna support anyone, hell they even worry about looking after a h when he gets old these days. But of course they expect all that for themselves. Although , l can understand the worry about being used , guys have all the same worries and caution with a girl in his situation. But 5yrs is a long time , you must know what kinda person he is by now. Anyway , if he is legit and a good man, so what if he shacks up with you , he's workin, he can live on that , later the pension. So what if you treat a few holidays and other stuff, guys do that with women all the time, can't take it with ya. Just make sure you don't become his meal ticket l guess , but if he is a good man, should be ok. Good luck.
smackie9 Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 (edited) You are his meal ticket......my momma is in her 80's and she told me you are best to have a "gentleman friend" to hangout with, but DO NOT GET MARRIED. At your age there is no reason to get married officially. Think about it, marriage is for two to build and save for their life to have a house, assets, raise your children, send them to college, and have a nest egg for retirement. You have that, he doesn't, so you do risk losing it. What if he gets ill ....guess what, you are on the hook for that and that's gonna drain your bank account. If you do "live together" find a good lawyer that does prenup agreements. Get everything in writing. If you don't he can go after you for alimony because he's used to the lifestyle you provide for him. So don't go blind into this....talk to a lawyer. Edited December 7, 2018 by smackie9
damni Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Yes I am pretty sure you asked this before, also people said your daughter was right to be concerned due to his financial situation. You re both in your 60s, do you need to marry and tie your finances together? just carry on as you are. 1
kendahke Posted December 7, 2018 Posted December 7, 2018 Why aren't his finances in a place where he can afford to live on them? What was he doing the last 40 years that setting up his retirement flew over his head? I'm inclined to say to not combine your households at all, don't invite him to live with you. If that means you break up, then that means you break up--no point in keeping this going when you've got this many red flags beating your face. If you don't want to end up spending all of your hard earned money on someone who lies and didn't even respect their own life planning enough to where he could have made a difference in his old age, then don't. Do whatever you need to do to keep him out of that area of your life. If you need someone to keep you warm at night, he can come spend the night or you go to his place, but he doesn't need to make your address his address. Whatever has been working for him all these years can keep working for him. It's not your problem. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted December 8, 2018 Posted December 8, 2018 Did you post this under a different username a few weeks ago? 2
Simple Logic Posted December 8, 2018 Posted December 8, 2018 My bf and I do love each other after 5 years but unlike him who can discuss and wants to move forward about our future including marriage I am paralyzed when it comes to this issue. We are both in our 60s and he is divorced but I’m widowed. I think I’m afraid because of either or both these reasons: I’m afraid of losing someone I love like my late husband. I almost didn’t survive that loss and I’m still grieving after 7 years. Or He has very little money saved and lives paycheck to paycheck and I’ve worked hard all my life and saved money for a decent retirement so I’m scared I’ll end up supporting him. My daughter feels he isn’t good for me especially since he could become a financial issue. She also doesn’t feel he isn’t a moral guy because he has lied to me in the past. I don’t want to leave him but can’t keep on leading him on that we will live together soon and then possibly marry if I’m so hesistent. Does anyone have any thoughts? Let’s sum this up - fear. Fear he will not continue to wait. Financial Fear you will end up supporting him. Fear of another loss when you are not over your last husband. Fear of dishonesty Fear of family not accepting him. Fear you won’t find someone else. If you were to marry his financial situation might improve because all housing related expenses are reduced 50%. You say you saved for a good retirement, is your idea of a good retirement living solo. If you marry, there is better than a 65% chance he would pass before you. That is just a fact that is present unless you marry someone much younger. IMO there no reason to get married at age 60 and certainly no reason when you are afraid to do so. There are tons of people in our age group who opt to live together.
preraph Posted December 8, 2018 Posted December 8, 2018 Hey, I'm in my 60s and I don't know any women near my age who are willing to gamble their savings for a man at this late date. He may be nice and wonderful, but he's going to be a financial liability. You'll probably end up having to really take care of him with what energy you have left, too. Just don't do it. Just tell him you are not ever getting married again and like things as they are. If he pressures you, it's even more reason to be suspicious.
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