afraid of being perceived as needy, but feeling in need right now

[grays]

I have an almost pathological urge to hide anything that might make me seem needy, especially when I’m dealing with a romantic interest. I’m almost always upbeat and probably present like I’m totally in control and have no problems. I usually am those things, but when something hard is going on, I push it down and hide it. And that means I never have anyone really take care of me the way I do them.

 

Today, though, I know I’m gonna drop all the balls. The last six weeks have been awful for me. It started with a tooth abscess, heavy antibiotics, root canal, about a month of diarrhea and many days where I couldn’t do anything because I was so sick, then almost died from a pepto bismol overdose (yes, this is a real thing and happened even though I was following doctor’s orders to a tee) which was the absolute scariest thing that ever happened to me. Two days ago my 9 year old started peeing blood and he’s scared, I’m terrified, probably won’t have any news about what’s going on with him until at least tomorrow (he’s having an ultrasound tonight). I’m feeling broke because I’ve hardly been able to work for weeks. It’s just awful!

 

My guy has made a big point of coming to town to see me for three days, arriving tonight. We’ve been dating for a year and a half, but it’s only been a few months since it started feeling serious. And I think we’re both feeling like this is a pivotal time for us. We’ve never done anything like spend three days together. I would love for it to be light and fun, but clearly I can’t be that way, at least until I know my kid’s okay. But what I really need is to be able to tell him and have him put his arm around me and cuddle.

 

I don’t have any idea if he’ll be okay with that or if he’s capable of being there for me because I’ve never given him the opportunity. And now I’m scared that what he likes about me is I’m so easy emotionally, not very demanding, always happy and feeling good.

 

(BTW, I don’t wanna talk with you guys about what’s going on with my son — it’s taking all of my mental energy to not think about that. I do wanna talk to him about it, but only because he’ll be sitting next to me.)

[PRW]

Just don't bury him with it. He is coming there to have a good time, not to be a therapist. Keep in mind that guy's minds work differently. He is going to immediately try to offer potential solutions for each "problem" which will make you think that he is not "listening". If you complain that he is "not listening" he will look at you like you are from another planet because in his mind "listening" is exactly what he is doing.

 

 

If he has a lot of skill and experience with women there will be less of a clash on this because he will know more of what to expect and how to respond,...but he is still not a woman and don't expect him to act like one.

 

 

Bottom line,...tell him about things, but don't bury him with it. If he offers solutions, at least pretend to be thankful because men are problem solvers by nature and that is how they "show" that they are listening.

[olivetree]

It's good you're not whiny and complaining all of the time, but I think most people like someone who is real.

You feel closer to someone that is relatable and human - ie. has bad days like the rest of us.

 

Let down your walls, tell him what's going on, and see what he does.

This is a good test of your relationship and longevity together as partners.

 

Btw, if you look up the psychology of giving, giving makes the giver more invested than the recipient, not the other way around.

[chillii]

Poor son must be scared out of his skin, hope his ok , pretty sure he will be heard of that somewhere before.

l know your not talking about that , all cool.

 

Share your stuff , be human , turn to each other, be in each others corner, it's a beautiful thing.

That was one of the nicest coolest things about being married ex and l had.

And now with gf, we've both had some huge stuff going on. Well for a start it's in her culture to share everything with their man anyway and be 110%involved with his stuff too, she wants to know everything , be there and 110% part of it all good and bad, and that's always been in my nature and beliefs too as a couple.

Well , can't even begin to describe it but to have that again now with her, man.

 

You might get a surprise with friends too,l never talked about any stuff after ex and l, showed nothing to anyone yet l was going through so much **** but no one seemed to giva crap anyway.

Realized years later it more just that they thought l was either ok or l just didn't wanna spill my guts. Again though can't tell ya the nice surprises l got years later form a few special people when l decided to be human again.

Mind you , also got a few kicks in the head from one or two not so special.

Ha, mo wonder we hold it in eh.

[smackie9]

Tell him to cancel the visit because you are going through a troubling time.

 

 

 

Sorry but it isn't that kind of relationship...he visits, has a good time then goes away...that is your arrangement. If you want someone to console you, find a real BF.

[chillii]

But yeah , we don't wanna be whiny and moany all the time , but there's a difference.

And yeah , true , it doesn't sound like it's that kinda thing with you guys , this stuff is only for the serious, but if you'd like it to be , let some out, find out what he's made of.

[smackie9]

I would warn him that you are not going to be in any kind of mood for fun. Then tell him that you could really use some support this time around because of ............... See if he insists on showing up.

[grays]

Tell him to cancel the visit because you are going through a troubling time.

 

 

 

Sorry but it isn't that kind of relationship...he visits, has a good time then goes away...that is your arrangement. If you want someone to console you, find a real BF.

 

Tell him to cancel the visit? For real??? I don’t know how you know/why you think it’s not that kind of relationship. I would actually not be surprised if this was that kind of relationship. I think he and I are both trying to figure out what this relationship is. And I’m not at all sure that canceling every time things aren’t perfect with one of us is the best way to figure it out. Anyone can be happy when everything’s perfect.

 

Last month he came three times. The first time I had that abscess and looked hideous and felt worse, cancelled even though he had flown in just to see me. Second time he was here for two days and one night, I was sick as a dog, but thankfully he was super busy and had to leave earlier than expected. Third time he was here dropping off his nine year-old son so he landed at 7 am and flew out again at noon, I was able to spend two hours with him.

 

I think if we are going to have a relationship at all I need to not cancel unless I truly can’t do it. We’ve both been looking forward to this visit. I’m pretty sure he’s already in the air. If he cancelled on me with out an airtight reason, I’d be pissed.

 

Anyway “he visits, has s good time and then goes away”??? That’s not at all how I’d describe what’s going on here. We aren’t just **** buddies and if we were I wouldn’t be having this issue. And I find it pretty insulting that you feel like you know that’s how it is.

 

Sorry, if I didn’t mention it already, I’m feeling a little vulnerable lately.

[grays]

I would warn him that you are not going to be in any kind of mood for fun. Then tell him that you could really use some support this time around because of ............... See if he insists on showing up.

 

I’m not sure I’ll have a chance to warn him, really. I think so will try not to lay it on too thick. If he’s not relatively supportive, that’s probably something I should know. I spent my last marriage taking care of hubby’s emotional needs, which was no small task, while he got irritated and unavailable if I was having a hard time. I’m sure that’s why this makes me so nervous, but also why canceling or otherwise avoiding it doesn’t seem right to me.

[basil67]

Does he have any knowledge of what's been going on for you in the past month? Because the answer to this is where thoughts on what to do next should begin.

 

If he knows what's going on, then give him an update and relax into his arms. Having life troubles doesn't make you needy. This stuff is normal and happens to all of us.

 

However if you've been through this crisis without telling him any of it, it would tell him that you're not wanting an emotionally intimate relationship. He's likely to either want to keep things casual or will see a red flag that you didn't open up to him.

[grays]

Share your stuff , be human , turn to each other, be in each others corner, it's a beautiful thing.

That was one of the nicest coolest things about being married ex and l had.

And now with gf, we've both had some huge stuff going on. Well for a start it's in her culture to share everything with their man anyway and be 110%involved with his stuff too, she wants to know everything , be there and 110% part of it all good and bad, and that's always been in my nature and beliefs too as a couple.

Well , can't even begin to describe it but to have that again now with her, man.

 

This sounds really nice, Chillii. Relationship goals!

[grays]

Does he have any knowledge of what's been going on for you in the past month? Because the answer to this is where thoughts on what to do next should begin.

 

If he knows what's going on, then give him an update and relax into his arms. Having life troubles doesn't make you needy. This stuff is normal and happens to all of us.

 

However if you've been through this crisis without telling him any of it, it would tell him that you're not wanting an emotionally intimate relationship. He's likely to either want to keep things casual or will see a red flag that you didn't open up to him.

 

The worst of it (me being hospitalized and the kid stuff) has been in the last ten days. I haven’t told him any of it because it would be a nightmare of a text convo. I think he’ll understand why I didn’t call with it. It’s funny though. I remember having a big long text convo with him while I was in the ICU a couple of months after we met. He was very sweet about it, but I didn’t think much of telling him or his reaction because I wasn’t really invested. But while I was in the hospital this time I kept feeling like he’s gonna think I’m constitutionally weak or something. Who ends up so near death twice in barely over a year? Ugh. I’m a little embarrassed about it, which is all about me, not him. It’s hard for me to ask for help or a shoulder from anyone.

[PRW]

But while I was in the hospital this time I kept feeling like he’s gonna think I’m constitutionally weak or something. Who ends up so near death twice in barely over a year? Ugh. I’m a little embarrassed about it, which is all about me, not him. It’s hard for me to ask for help or a shoulder from anyone.

 

 

I think if you stay balanced like I described, it'll turn out ok.

[Wallysbears]

You want a man that can BE THERE. If he can’t handle this, he’s not going to be the one to be there when you’re old.

 

Better to find out now than later.

[Wallysbears]

And, as a Mom, I hope your son is well. Any man that wouldn’t understand why you are worried with your kid being unwell isn’t worth any time.

[PRW]

You want a man that can BE THERE. If he can’t handle this, he’s not going to be the one to be there when you’re old.

 

Better to find out now than later.

If it isn't too soon. I couldn't find any detail about how long they have been seeing each other. Dump a whole load on a guy that isn't expecting it can chase off even a really great guy. I would have to be involved with someone for maybe 6 months without any "weak spots" in the relationship before I would be ready to that. If she kept it light, I could deal with it sooner.

 

Guys aren't an object on the shelf that you buy and just expect him to come with all the right features. We are thinking about the quality of the woman we are seeing and weighing it all out too. Half the time we don't even know what women means by "be there". To us, we see a problem, we try to fix it, and expect a little thanks for it. Practical straightforward thinking.

[grays]

And, as a Mom, I hope your son is well. Any man that wouldn’t understand why you are worried with your kid being unwell isn’t worth any time.

 

I think he’ll be good about that. It’s kinda nice that we have boys exactly the same age. He’s very supportive about me being a mom.

[Wallysbears]

If it isn't too soon. I couldn't find any detail about how long they have been seeing each other. Dump a whole load on a guy that isn't expecting it can chase off even a really great guy. I would have to be involved with someone for maybe 6 months without any "weak spots" in the relationship before I would be ready to that. If she kept it light, I could deal with it sooner.

 

Guys aren't an object on the shelf that you buy and just expect him to come with all the right features. We are thinking about the quality of the woman we are seeing and weighing it all out too. Half the time we don't even know what women means by "be there". To us, we see a problem, we try to fix it, and expect a little thanks for it. Practical straightforward thinking.

 

They’ve been seeing each other over a year.

 

It’s time to **** or get off the pot.

[Gretchen12]

What's wrong with need?

 

You can just tell him exactly what you want, to listen and put his arms around you. That's what men's arms are for, besides lifting things.

[grays]

If it isn't too soon. I couldn't find any detail about how long they have been seeing each other. Dump a whole load on a guy that isn't expecting it can chase off even a really great guy. I would have to be involved with someone for maybe 6 months without any "weak spots" in the relationship before I would be ready to that. If she kept it light, I could deal with it sooner.

 

Guys aren't an object on the shelf that you buy and just expect him to come with all the right features. We are thinking about the quality of the woman we are seeing and weighing it all out too. Half the time we don't even know what women means by "be there". To us, we see a problem, we try to fix it, and expect a little thanks for it. Practical straightforward thinking.

 

Sorry about that. It’s been a year and a half since we first started dating but neither of us took it too seriously for the first year or so because he’s not in town that much. Maybe six months ago things started to shift and I was starting to think about him a lot more and miss him. I felt like things were different between us and I sent him this badass text (showed it to my best friend and she was like, “oh ****! You’re a badass!” lol) saying that I was liking him more every time I saw him and so wanted to just enjoy it but I needed to know if he felt the same and if not I’d dial it back. He responded saying he felt it too and didn’t want me to stop. Ever since then he’s been coming back much more often and explicitly to see me. Before he would just see me when he happened to be coming to town. It also made him all nervous around me which I thought was pretty sweet.

[grays]

They’ve been seeing each other over a year.

 

It’s time to **** or get off the pot.

 

lol At least it’s time to get real, I think.

 

Seriously, I really want some wine. Him on my couch with a bottle of wine would be so nice. I might not be worried about this if I could take the edge off with a drink. Not sure I’ve ever felt the need for a drink like this. But I can’t drink because I’m now on my third round of antibiotics. I feel like I’ve been holding my breath for six weeks and a glass of wine would help me let go of it. Sex might work, too, tho. lol

[BaileyB]

Just wanted to say... I’m so sorry that you have been so sick and I hope all is well with your son. ((Hugs))

 

As to your boyfriend, just be honest with him. If he is a kind, caring, and considerate man he will not be bothered if you are not “fun and upbeat.” This is life - there are both good and bad times, there are times that you give and times when you need some support. His response should tell you a lot about the kind of person you are dating and how he feels about your relationship.

 

Please, keep us posted. I will be thinking of you and your son.

[grays]

Thanks, Bailey. I hope there’s some smooth sailing after we get my little guy’s ultrasound results back. And I’ll lyk.

 

I think you’re right. I just need to be myself. So scary!

[BaileyB]

I think you’re right. I just need to be myself. So scary!

 

I know. I have the same problem. But really, what you are experiencing is part of the human experience. I don’t know how anyone who cares about you - even in the slightest - could not be supportive. I have faith - it will be ok.

[grays]

I think so, too. This is my hang up. He’s never been anything but sweet to me.