Disorder or Lovebombing? No contact survivor onto a new no contact road...

[guywondering21]

Summary: I think I was Love bombed and gaslighted.

 

Hey folks, I'm a successful **no contact survivor** and recovered greatly by using all the tools here to get over a previous relationship. To all those going through recent breakups, stay strong. You will be fine and this is a great place.

 

A few months ago, I got involved with a woman at work who kind of flirted with me. I followed up on it and we started going out. Things started going fast. We both really liked each other.

 

She told me within a month and a half of the whatever you want to call what we were doing that this is the strongest she's felt about someone in two years since her last relationship. Her last relationship ended in the guy cheating on her with \*\*two dozen \[24\]\*\*women. I repeat, two dozen. She also comes from a family environment that while their parents are still together, the dad wasn't the most loving and he was abusive early on towards the mom.

 

**Here's the quick bullet points about our relationship.**

 

\- We started dating in Aug

 

\- In September, about a month and a half in, I asked the girl what does she see this as? Because I wasn't looking to just **** a co-worker. I wanted to work towards something. We didn't have to jump in a relationship that day but at least commit towards building to one. And I mostly did this because she was buying me stuff, making me jump on FaceTime with her parents, sisters and meet her friends within 45 days. I was surprised by it all but happy too.

 

\- She replied that she wasn't ready yet and would like to take things slow, see each other less and just enjoy each other. She also told me she spoke to her therapist about me who she sees once a week. She said her therapist asked her if she liked me. She replied yes. Her therapist then said: "If you like him this means you will sabotage this." **RED FLAG #1.**

 

\- **Sidebar**: We are having unprotected sex \[or were\] because we were exclusive on that level \[just sex\].

 

\- Within the next week of telling me to take things slow, she asked me to dinner 2x and asked me to sleep over 3x. Myself? I was confused. But I liked the girl so went with it. In my head I was thinking, this isn't slow this is FAST.

 

\- Fast forward two weeks in early October and she tells me I want to be your girlfriend. I say "are you sure?" She goes yes.

 

\- She then buys me a $500 wallet which i couldn't accept and she was offended. Started taking me to dinners non stop and we would switch moments where we would pay the bills and she would always talk about going on vacation with me. Everything was going fairly well in the opening stages of at least officially being a couple.

 

\- Within I'd say two weeks, we got into the silliest argument. It was about me not picking up a FaceTime call. She never calls regular because I feel she has insecurity issues due to her past and wanted to see where I was at all times.

 

\- She proceeded to break up with me over this. This is mid to late October.

 

\- She then tells me she's not ready for a relationship. I'm like ok. At this point, I could have easily walked away but i was so fn confused. One minute it felt like she was in love. The next minute it felt like she was trying to control her feelings and how i perceived her feelings.

 

\- We entered a weird period of periodic texting, etc.

 

\- Things picked back up and we continued having sex. Sleeping over each other's house etc. This is last month. She started buying me stuff again, asking me to go away to LA with her, talked about getting a joint xmas tree, etc and we had sex and she whispered I LOVE YOU. I said "what did you say?" She replies quickly: "nothing nothing i didn't say anything."

 

\- I'm like wtf is this mind**** going on.

 

\- The following week she was completely different. She was a little removed and wouldn't respond all the time. So I decided to take a step back.

 

\- When she would text me, I replied hours later. I wouldn't pick up all her calls nor would jump at sex when she wanted. The phone calls increased, facetimes, etc.

 

\- She starts taking me out for massages, dinners and all this ****. I'm sure most guys would be like **** this is the life. But after 5 months of dating with no commitment and a breakup for a ridiculous reason and all the rollercoaster of emotions with her, I was feeling i needed to take a step back so i took the approach i listed above.

 

\- As I mentioned she started breathing down my neck BUT ONE THING happened that caused this to finally end this weekend. Her questions....

 

\- Are you dating anyone?

 

\- Are you sleeping with anyone?

 

\- Do you want to buy a xmas tree together?

 

\- The real/fake I love you she said

 

\- Do you want me to travel with you?

 

\- The constant affection \[sans kissing\] which ill explain

 

All of this was a mind**** and it all came to a head this past week. It felt like she kept asking all these questions to see where my head was at or as affirmation for her to feel better about her insecure self. I'm assuming all these questions started happening because she felt i was drifting away.

 

We were at a restaurant and she kept asking me the questions above. I never asked her these questions because I trust her and two I have no right to because there's no commitment. So I'm like why the **** are you asking me this when you aren't committed nor want commitment? I say to her if you are untrustworthy of me or something just tell me to put on a condom or just leave the situation.

 

I honestly feel all these questions were due to her insecurity.

 

It was insane she would hold my hand, hook my arm, rub my neck, hug me and any time i'd go for a kiss on the lips she pulled back. She'd make some excuse and I'm like wtf you get girlfriend benefits but I get nothing. She'd ask me if i missed her while she was away for thanksgiving and I said yes. I'd ask her she'd skirt the question.

 

This past weekend, I finally told her this isn't working for me anymore. I care about her but it's either she wants in or out. She went on to say that it seems we can't be happy in a gray area and it's best for us to move on. I'm not even hurt because I sort of laid everything out on the table but I'm sort of like:

 

What the **** did I just go through in these last 4 months?

 

If you ask me, I dealt with a broken woman who liked me who like her therapist said would eventually sabotage this and while I am a little down I'm thinking I dodged a bullet in this one. In the end, we work together so its weird and will be for a while though we dont interact much there but does this girl have the profile of someone who would potentially try to sneak their way back in?

[nolanola]

It's interesting what you describe... a lot of women that date men recognize this behavior right away. To me, this looks like an emotionally unavailable women. Usually you see this behavior in men. These people want to be in relationships and will often try to fast forward to the "relationship" part. They meet someone, they like them, and they get really excited. They will make declarations of love or interest way too soon, "future promise" (talk about all the things that you'll do together in the future), and so on. Once they actually get into the relationship and get closer to the person, they start to panic. They are not capable of true intimacy with someone and feel panic once they get to that level. This is where they withdraw or pull back. They can move onto new relationships really quickly because they just jump to the next person and start the cycle all over again.

 

It sounds like you are dealing pretty well with this craziness -- good for you. Many people (and I have been in this situation with an emotionally unavailable man myself) have a hard time with this because they can't understand how this person could just go from so into them to not. So they start chasing this person and trying to get that closeness back. Then the emotionally unavailable person runs further and faster.

 

I think the most important thing for you to do is the recognize this pattern and to figure out what you want. She will be back. I can almost promise you that she will come back. These types always do. Figure out how you are going to deal with this when she comes back.

[guywondering21]

Nolanola, I appreciate you taking the time out to respond.

 

I think I’m curious about a hoovering. And I’ll be honest it’s fresh obviously so 50% of me fears the true intention of a hoovering and 50% of me wants it.

I’m human I’m just being honest and I remember feeling this way when I first made no contact too.

 

The last message she sent was basically two fold and weird and it was 3 days ago. I simply respond “thanks for thinking this out” and left it at that.

 

“Last week seemed to be the tipping point for us to see if we can be in an easy relationship/stay in gray zone. I’m not ready and the lack of mutual respect between us is a nonstarter for me. I hope that we can be friends as we are a good support system for each other but romantically this is getting ugly and hurting both of us. I’m sorry.”

 

The mutual respect part for me was a bit of a shock and a deflect because all the moments of disrespect in this relationship really started with her.

 

Then her second message unless I’m drunk read entirely differently:

 

“This isn’t a convo for text but we’ve talked this to death and tried and don’t want to keep with the passive aggressiveness and actions that keep mixing things for both of us. It’s best we take some time off from talking things out as it seems to be confusing things.”

 

Let me know what your real thoughts are on all of this.

[guywondering21]

And if she comes back is it something I should even entertain? It’s one thing if she comes back hat in hand but if it’s some strictly for sex or just small talk I think I should I ignore.

 

Thoughts?

[nolanola]

One question: What do you mean by "hoovering"?

 

In response to everything else:

That's tough to unravel. She may not know what she wants. I think she is likely trying to convey that she either does not want or is not capable/ready for a more serious relationship with you. She probably feels that and doesn't know why or how to best explain this to you. People that are emotionally unavailable (EU) often don't understand themselves why they feel the need to withdraw. It is a complex problem, often related to a previous relationship (either romantic or something from their childhood). I would bet a lot of money she has done this before and will do it again with someone else until she does major work on herself.

 

You say she is seeing a therapist and that they had told her she would sabotage your relationship. This, to me, indicates that she is not yet working on the root of her problem. So there is no way she can come back to you within a quick time frame (weeks) and be ready to have a serious relationship. She has work to do before she can do that with anyone (talking months to years).

 

She will probably come back and maybe with hat in hand. Lots of us have had this experience. The person does miss us, they do miss the closeness...BUT, once the relationship starts moving forward again they panic again and bolt/withdraw. I would advocate to not take anything she says seriously if it happens in the next few weeks or months.

[guywondering21]

Narcissists and Common Hoovering Techniques ? Thrive After Abuse

 

Sad part is when she told me what her therapist said months back she sort of said it with a smile as if “I know I’m crazy.” It was sad.

 

So she does miss me and the relationship. It’s not a devoid person of emotion and I didn’t imagine everything she just has her issues and for no I should strictly stay NO CONTACT and work on myself right?

[nolanola]

I think it's tough to say what her underlying issues are. This is a very human and normal thing to try to understand the other person in these situations, but it often leads to frustration. I can't understand my ex and have spent many hours trying to reason why he did or didn't say one thing or another. The only way I will ever know is if he decides to tell me about it. I'd say your situation is pretty similar. You want to understand why she is acting the way she is and we can't definitely know unless she gives you a straight answer. I would question whether she knows why she's acting like this. I feel pretty confident that this is not new behavior, judging by what she said about her therapist.

 

As for whether she is a narcissist, I don't know. I feel like that term gets thrown around a lot and is maybe not deserved in all cases. You have to go with your gut on this one. If you felt like she cared about you at times in the relationship, then she most likely did. Unless she's some kind of psychopath and completely lacks empathy and normal human emotion, she will no doubt miss your interactions, the fun you had together, closeness with another person, things about you, etc. Don't we all do that after we break up with someone, even if we know it was for the best? So I don't doubt that she is the same in that respect.

 

However, I think she is doing you a favor right now by backing away. If you continue to engage with her before she figures herself out, she will continue this same merry go round and you will be left continuously scratching your head and wondering what she's thinking/feeling/etc.

 

My personal opinion is that NC is best if you find yourself trying to figure out your ex, to understand why they are doing what they are doing, etc. When you get to the point that you can interact with them without ANY secondary motives (and you have to be really honest with yourself), then you can be in contact with them. The usual thing that happens? By the time you get to that point you don't want to be in contact with them anymore, at least in my personal experience. If you are still trying to figure her out, NC is the way to go.

[guywondering21]

Great advice on trying to figure it out.

 

It surely hurts. Wish it didn’t but I’m sure I’ll be ok.

[nolanola]

I know it does. It hurts like hell. I'm hurting too, but it is getting a bit better the longer I stay NC and focus on just feeling what I need to feel. I'm trying to be kind to myself - I did the best that I could. If I didn't always do the "right" things, it's ok. I'm human and I make mistakes. I loved someone that couldn't give me what I wanted and that's not a crime.

 

Be kind to yourself. You cared about someone and she couldn't be what you wanted or needed in a relationship. Someone told me to be your own best friend and I think that's good advice for us all.

 

Keep posting. I find it helps to vent and to commiserate with others. It also helps to know that there are people on here who know exactly how you feel.

[Rayce]

Day 16 of NC and I've been doing a lot of reading the last few days about narcissists, something called flying monkeys and hoovering... it's got me wondering about my own situation and who is who on the merry-go-round that has been my life for the last few years. I agree with nolanola that the term narcissist gets thrown around a lot. lol... I bet because I am doing NC my ex is thinking I am a narcissist and maybe he is waiting for me to "hoover". I am not exactly sure what that is.

 

Tks for the link guywondering21

Edited December 23, 2018 by Rayce