I feel like shes losing interest

[Notsurewhat83]

Firstly i do have a habit of over thinking when someone goes more quiet so I'm hoping im missreading these signs.

 

My partner lately seems a little distant. Shes also spending a lot more time with her friends, for example 2 months ago we'd probably meet about 3-4 times a week, even then it didnt seem enough for her as the 1 day we'd got apart she'd text and say she misses me and doesnt like sleeping alone. We also had sex everytime we met and woukd never meet without it ending with us making plans for our next meet.

 

Fast forward to lately and she spends 3-4 nights a week with her friends. They will meet & she'll then make plans again so an average week will now be meet friends monday for a meal, then theyll have plans for a movie night tuesday, Wednesday she'll see me then ill asl if she fancies meeting thursday and 'sorry me and my friends are going to the cinema'. I get this happens in relationships but i feel like the relationship is on the back burner now for her. We also had sex everyday almost, now its once a week and she turns me down a lot so ive stopped making a move. It used to be a case where we'd have sex and both of us couldnt wait to do it again, we both spoke about it a lot too & where really open, without going into detail shed suggest sex shops etc for toys and we had a healthy sex drive together. Now whenever i mention anything sexual, potentially buying toys or even just saying 'i want to make love to you' she seems to change the subject, if and when we do have sex it also feels like 'that'll do for another week', like im not ablt to make another move because i know she'll turn me down & look at me like im being crazy for wanting it again. Its not the same excitement like we had before even though now she does finish where as she used to struggle, and does say things like 'im so comfy with you now its easy to finish and i love that' but why if shes finally enjoying it to that point where she can have an O are we doing it less?

 

Theres also things like we where always hand in hand, now well3go shopping, ill turn round and shes dissapeared. Ill find her down another aisle. I was thinking its the first time weve met this week and shes walking apart from me.

 

I dont know if its in my head and shes just secure in the relationship but im not a teenager, im mid 30s & have had my fair share of relationships but something seems off here.

 

Its the little things like she used to ask me to visjt her at work whenevrr i finished early, she hasnt asked me for a while so today i asked her as im finishing early and got 'ive not got much free time babe but you can if you want' so i just say no its fine if youre busy babe.

 

Its getting me down as i feel like shes either secure or im rigjt to be feeling like impending doom is around the corner.

 

 

She still wants to spend xmas with me & suprisingly yesterday she said she'd got all my presents sorted so im obviously on her mind or surely she'd not bother buying me things. I just feel like she looks forward to meeting her friends but with me she doesnt seem that excited. Even her facial expressions and her whole attitude, i rung her and she was with friends, she was all giddy and laughing but when we then met she seemed distant & a little like she wasnt actually there with me if that makes any sense. I havent got a clue what to do as whenever ive felt how i feel she is, ive called it a day a week or 2 later, ive got this horrible feeling and dont want to ask her or push her on it.

 

Also as a final note i have noticed that sometimes when im lovey she wants it to, the next day she'll act like im being too much or will even say 'we met yesterday' so i back off. Then when i back off she complains that we arent together enough. I find it really odd and its the same with gifts, i buy her flowers, she didnt seem too fussed, i bought her a little gift and said how at xmas id buy little gifts and she said shed prefer me not to as isnt that type of woman, so i stopped buying little cute gifts. Then a few weeks past by and she said 'you never buy me gifts anymore i used to love that' arghhhh confusing. It feels like im with 2 people. 1 whos lovey, talks about things for a house together etc then the next day she'll not be the slightest bit interested in the idea.

Edited December 6, 2018 by Notsurewhat83

[d0nnivain]

You are overthinking it. For her the HM phase is winding down so she feels more secure about you & is no longer compelled to hold your hand everywhere or see you every night. Celebrate the time you have. Relish the fact that you two can function independently rather than being glued at the hip.

[Notsurewhat83]

You are overthinking it. For her the HM phase is winding down so she feels more secure about you & is no longer compelled to hold your hand everywhere or see you every night. Celebrate the time you have. Relish the fact that you two can function independently rather than being glued at the hip.

 

Thank you thats what im worried about that im over thinking it and will annoy her if i carry on. Im not over the honeymoon phase yet so finding it personal.

 

For example below is a conversation from 3 weeks ago, the other is from today.

 

Her: come visit me at work if you finish early pleaseee'

Me: ok babe ill come for 1

Her: yay cant wait to see you

 

Now todays baring in mind she always wanted me to visit and i havent for 3 weeks as been busy at work to earn extta for xmas

 

Me: good news, i finish early today so could visit you

Her: im busy but you can if you want

Me: if youre busy ill go do some xmas shopping instead babe that's fine

Her: you do need to get it done to be honest, but if you want to come you can at 3 for a bit

Me: no its fine babe youre busy & im seeing you later anyway, it will give me time to go get us some nice food and ill cook for you later, cant wait to see you

Her: ok no worries

 

 

Those are the exact words. I feel like if id gone id not of been wanted there and another part of me feels like now ive not gone shes annoyed at me.... or again am i being completly ridiculous and over thinking this because im still loved up with her.

[d0nnivain]

If she was busy at work, she didn't really want you to come but was trying to squeeze you in. I personally hate it when people interrupt my work day by dropping by. She knew you had other responsibilities so was giving you permission to get your stuff done. This time of year is overly busy. You didn't say what she does for work but if it's retail, of course she is swamped; any other field she probably has year end projects to complete.

 

Do plan a relaxing night in with her. Spend quality time together.

 

Try to not be overly anxious about this or your fears will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

[Notsurewhat83]

If she was busy at work, she didn't really want you to come but was trying to squeeze you in. I personally hate it when people interrupt my work day by dropping by. She knew you had other responsibilities so was giving you permission to get your stuff done. This time of year is overly busy. You didn't say what she does for work but if it's retail, of course she is swamped; any other field she probably has year end projects to complete.

 

Do plan a relaxing night in with her. Spend quality time together.

 

Try to not be overly anxious about this or your fears will become a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

Good advice, i think i expected too much. Ive just told her ill take her for dinner tonight and then have a relaxing night. Hopefully its nothing and it is just the end of the HM phase.

[fromheart]

So for this to happen within 2 months is pretty quick. And normally, the couple want to get closer at this time of the year, whereas she definitely is getting distant, its not in your imagination.

 

There's 2 ways you can play this. End it or become distant yourself. Give her the time that she gives you, become unavailable. Right now you are as avaliable as you were a couple of months ago, and that isn't working for you.

If this tactic works out though, it will set the tone of the relationship to come. She complains of having an unavailable bad boy, it gives her a pain addiction that makes her feel alive. Its the only sort of relationship some types of women are receptive to, as they have their own dysfunctions.

 

The second way to play this is to quite simply end it. I would take that option personally.

 

But if it continues the way it is, her going out with her friends is going to lead to her checking out other men. Which may be happening already.

 

Just to check your game a bit, your texting is way off.

 

Me: good news, i finish early today so could visit you

Her: im busy but you can if you want

 

What a cold a#s response on her part. That reply doesn't warrant any further communication. You go to the gym, or take a run/hike instead. Check out the nice girls on your FB. She only gets communication from you, when she is being warm and friendly.

Instead your being a pleaser. Use the second date rule, if she spoke to you like this after the first date, would there be a second?

 

She isn't being loving Im afraid. Have the emotional self control to only give your love where it is warranted.

[d0nnivain]

It's the end of the year & she was at work. She responded. Yes she may have been blunt but for pete's sake she was at work. If she responded like that while out with her friends, that would have been too snippy but during her work day, give the woman credit for responding at all. At work, from about 8-6, I'm not responding to most people, including my husband.

[fromheart]

It's the end of the year & she was at work.

 

'im busy you can if you want' 7 words.

 

'Sure!' 1 word.

 

 

Failing that, 'Sorry I couldn't reply earlier, I was so busy. I'm free at ... would love to meet you then.'

 

The last 2 responses means someone is into you, the first response is cold, shows she doesn't really care either way, and is not deserving of further communication.

[d0nnivain]

How about I'm busy, can we talk later? I really don't understand why people think it's OK to ask to bother somebody at work by showing up. I'm usually rather annoyed when people pop by my work to visit my employees. I am not paying them to socialize with their friends / SO. I am paying them to work. I really also think it's the time of the year. If she was swamped, in that moment, no matter how much she cared about her BF he was an annoyance.

 

I'm not saying her response was perfect. I am saying it's a trivial thing to break up over.

[fromheart]

How about I'm busy, can we talk later? .

 

That would be better than what she said.

 

However, I personally would add a few x's to a GF as a sign of affection, and to let her know how I feel. Gives us both something to think about. Adds a bit of sparkle to her day and mine.

 

We spend a lot of our lives having to deal with cold uncaring people. If our partners can't be bothered to speak in a loving, warm way what's the point?

 

Too busy to communicate in a loving fashion = doesn't really care.

 

We all have lunch breaks. If you cant send/reply to a partner in the time it takes to scratch your nose on your lunch break, its time to get a different partner.

 

Its not just the communication though, in this case.

Edited December 6, 2018 by fromheart

[d0nnivain]

We don't all have lunch breaks. I work through lunch a lot.

 

If you want loving communication don't use text. It's a cold impersonal means of communicating. Emojis & xoxo's notwithstanding. Texting is efficient. It's not meant to be lovey dovey.

[fromheart]

Texting is efficient. It's not meant to be lovey dovey.

 

Could you show me the law on this please?

[Notsurewhat83]

The reason for the post wasnt so much about how she worded it, it was more how different it was to 3 weeks ago. Yes she might be busy but i also stated ive been swamped for 3 weeks saving for xmas and working more but i still find time to go to the toilet or something & send a nice text to keep the spark alive. I personally dont find it hard to appreciate someone.

 

'No worries' seemed blunt, cold and (i couldnt care less if You come or not), type attitude. Weve been together 5 months but personally dont think replies like that are even necessary in a marriage when you care about someone. When shes always been kean to see me at work and meet me 4 times a week or more, now suddenly its once and doesnt really want to reply either, seems odd.

 

Maybe im over thinking it but i wouldnt be suprised if im posting on here in another week or 2 saying shes left me because something doesn't feel right lately.

[d0nnivain]

notsurewhat83

 

You may be right. You have all the non-verbal cues that are not available to me or any other poster through LS & the filter of your version.

 

I tend to be optimistic especially about love. You started by admitting that you overthink things. You also point out that you were too busy for 3 weeks. Her spending a lot of time with her friends over seeing you is certainly not ideal.

 

At minimum I'd talk to her about your mutual expectations. Tell her you would like more hand holding & some more time together during the week. Be vulnerable. It may bring her around. If she leaves anyway, you haven't lost more because she was going to leave anyway; at least you will know you tried.

[Inlovenotinlove]

Ill update in a few days but got a feeling its the beginning of the end. Its not just the texts thats just today. Weve not slept together as much, i cant remember the last time she said she missed me lately and it just seems off. She used to be jelous also sometimes where if a girl text me shed usually ask about it (not that it happens often its either friends or work colleagues). Any Way the other day i worked 1 on 1 with a girl and when she asked about my day i told her how this new girl came and shadowed me for the day and she just said 'nice one' like she coulsnt of cared less.

 

Npt that shes ever got anything to worry about with me but it shocked me how aloof she was about it as that's not her usual response

[Gretchen12]

What's her dating history? Her longest relationship?

 

After the honeymoon phase you move to a place of mutual understanding. There is a question of long term compatibility as people express things differently. If you feel she is unhappy you should bring it up.

[olivetree]

I think fromheart had good advice.

 

She does seem to be losing interest and I think you're too nice and available.

I get the sense you are always free when she is free.

Start making more plans for yourself and let her initiate more.

 

Also, reward warm behaviour with warmth, and back off if she is cold.

She needs to step up, and I bet she will if you pull back.

[Inlovenotinlove]

In all honesty if it is that im too available then im also too old for games so ill ask her whats wrong and call it a day if it is that as im not going to act differently to get somebody's attention they either like you as you are or they dont and if im around too much when we dont live together, what does that say for any future together.

[fromheart]

In all honesty if it is that im too available then im also too old for games so ill ask her whats wrong and call it a day if it is that as im not going to act differently to get somebody's attention they either like you as you are or they dont and if im around too much when we dont live together, what does that say for any future together.

 

 

No, you shouldn't act differently.

 

And I thoroughly agree that this shouldn't change with marriage. Sounds like your a good man, but be selective as to who you share your gifts with.

[olivetree]

In all honesty if it is that im too available then im also too old for games so ill ask her whats wrong and call it a day if it is that as im not going to act differently to get somebody's attention they either like you as you are or they dont and if im around too much when we dont live together, what does that say for any future together.

 

I think this is fine too.

However, it is attractive if a man has things to do and isn't just waiting around to hang out.

So if you already have a good balance in your life, then no, you shouldn't change.