[Divorcing and] in a relationship with a separated man

[Ayy_cee]

HELP!!

 

First things first i am married but currently going through a divorce! About a year ago i worked for 2 companies and my “boss” and i got along very well, however at that time he was going through the same thing as me except he has 3 kids !

 

Time went on we got closer and closer & started talking and eventually turned into a relationship. He still currently lives at home with his family but they share separate rooms. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me but he says he doesn’t want to leave his kids.

 

He tells me to give him time but I’ve been waiting for over 5 months. He is scared to leave because she threatens him with his kids saying he will never see them again. She says that if she finds out he is talking to me or seeing me he can forget about them yet he still always takes the risk! I don’t know what to do!

 

Should i continue waiting until he figures it out or how do i call it quits when i have already fallen to deep for him!

Edited December 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Paragraphs, edit title for clarity, move to OM/OW

[Mr. Lucky]

He still currently lives at home with his family but they share separate rooms.

 

And let me guess, they don't have sex, right?

 

Funny how simpler life is when we do things the right way. And in your case, that would mean resolving your marriage, letting him choose to terminate his (if indeed he's serious about doing so) and being in a relationship that didn't involve lies and broken promises.

 

Regardless of your excuses, you're married and he's married. What did you expect?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Just a Guy]

I am always a bit stumped when folks come on here complaining of the terrible spot they find themselves in after having cut of their noses to spite their faces. From the very beginning this train wreck of a situation was bound to crash. The OP is not yet divorced but is trying to forge ahead with another man who may or may not be having problems at home. To me it looks like he is only in it for the free sex he is getting from the OP while leading her on with false hopes.

 

OP , please wake up and smell the coffee as they say. This guy is treating you as a side piece for as long as you are willing and he is quite content to see your marriage fail as long as he gets to have his cake and eat it too. He has a trusting wife and happy family at home and he has you for some additional fun. When push comes to shove, he will throw you in the gutter and bond tightly with his family while you are left holding your broken dreams in your hands watching as they melt away into nothingness.

 

Lady, how long have you been married and what is the reason you are divorcing? Does your divorce have anything to do with the discovery of your affair? If it does then you just lost your marriage for a mirage! Take a bite of reality, come down to Mother Earth and get your life in order with or without your current husband. Your lover boy is never going to be yours. It is just a pipe dream. Best wishes.

[Ayy_cee]

Just to state i have no yet been intimate with him! My marriage was over way before initiating something with him. However he is not actually married but she knows about us and threatens him with his kids and she has done it twice where she up and leaves so he scared to even leave!

[Starswillshine]

He's not taking any risk. She can't withhold his children from him.

 

Btw, he's likely banging her nightly as he tells her he loves her while spooning her until they go to bed.

 

So much "he says," "she says." Throw all those things out the window. He is still at home living with his family.

 

I know you said you are going through a divorce. Are you separated? Living in separate houses?

[pepperbird]

Just to state i have no yet been intimate with him! My marriage was over way before initiating something with him. However he is not actually married but she knows about us and threatens him with his kids and she has done it twice where she up and leaves so he scared to even leave!

 

 

Madam,

Take a minute and re-read tis. then do so again.

 

 

This man is saying he can't leave his SO because she'll take the kids and he'll never see them again. He's using that fear and an excuse for not leaving. Meanwhile, he is doing the one thing that, if he gets caught, will surely blow up in his face in a far worse way than him telling her he no longer wants to be with her.

That excuse" I can't leave because of the kids" is as old as time. The only "kid" he's really worried about is himself.

[standtall]

OP, I guarantee he is still having sex with her...he is telling you what you want to hear so he can have sex with you too. I can't be anymore clear.

[Rockdad]

Being blackmailed with your kids is a very real thing that happens. Guys tend not to be believed and that is why I never mentioned it to anyone not even in MC. For one there is an element of shame along with the extreme fear of losing your kids. The OP says she has waited 5 months. I will tell her it took me 3 years to finally stand up against the ex's power play. It's a scary position to be in whether it's self inflicted or not.

[carhill]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Do you date in public?

 

Has he met any of your friends and family? Vice versa?

 

How often do you get together in person?

 

When do you anticipate your dissolution to complete?

 

If he's still your 'boss', is that dynamic important to your career with regard to conjugal superior/subordinate relations?

 

If what you and he have are a thing, it'll be there after you divorce and he's used his 'boss' status to acquire separate accommodations, something even we worker bees can accomplish. It's not hard, even with kids.

[Mr. Lucky]

However he is not actually married

 

Why is that important?

 

Quick question - who's he living with, you or her?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Ayy_cee]

He's not taking any risk. She can't withhold his children from him.

 

 

I know you said you are going through a divorce. Are you separated? Living in separate houses?

 

 

He is taking risks because she has done it before she left the country meanwhile he was working. He still sees me and he still talks to me.

 

& yes i am separated and living in a separate home. The divorce is just about finalized

[Ayy_cee]

Welcome to LS.....

 

Do you date in public?

 

Has he met any of your friends and family? Vice versa?

 

How often do you get together in person?

 

When do you anticipate your dissolution to complete?

 

If he's still your 'boss', is that dynamic important to your career with regard to conjugal superior/subordinate relations?

 

If what you and he have are a thing, it'll be there after you divorce and he's used his 'boss' status to acquire separate accommodations, something even we worker bees can accomplish. It's not hard, even with kids.

 

We do go out in public, he has met some of my family and i have met some of his as well! He has his company and is always super busy so whenever he gets a minute he calls me we meet up (i have worked for him so i know how busy he gets). My divorce should be finalized any day now. Also he is no longer my boss i chose to work elsewhere due to his SO going to my work and following me!

[carhill]

Thanks, so during the five months you've been 'waiting', how often have you and he seen each other? I noted from your posting that you first had contact about a year ago beyond work. How much longer than the five months has the romance part been going on would you say?

 

Has he ever been to your domicile? In that same vein, what are his comments about acquiring his own? Apparently he's not married. Is he tied to the existing domicile other than it being his children's home?

 

If I'm reading right, you have no children and he has three. Have you had experience being with or dating a man who has children and a co-parent? If yes, how did that go? Dating a parent can be a challenge because, generally, even under the best of circumstances, the children will come first for a healthy parent. They're the priority. I know from dating many single mothers as a younger man.

 

Personally, I'd leave him be until he's out on his own. If your D will be final any day now (ours took a day after filing the final papers with the court, no 'any day' about it, it was all procedure), then focus on divorce recovery which can hit one when least expected, even if one feels they're done and moved on and is even happy about the process and end. It's still a death of a marriage.

 

IMO, tell him you'll be happy to join him for dinner at his new single place once he's secured it. How he responds will tell you how sincere he is and how respectful he is of appropriate boundaries. If he waffles or smooth talks, simply repeat.

 

Then, continue dating other eligible bachelors. You have no sexual relations with nor commitment to this guy so you're a free agent. Enjoy it to the full!

[GoldenR]

Be prepared to wait forever. That's these married guys' M.O.

 

"Give me time"

 

"I wasn't too do it right"

 

"She says she'll take the kids from me"

 

"The holidays are coming"

 

"It's my youngest's birthday next month"

 

There will always be a reason that it's not a good time to leave her. But the reality is, he has no intention whatever to leave her. []

Edited December 6, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Topical content

[Ayy_cee]

Thanks, so during the five months you've been 'waiting', how often have you and he seen each other? I noted from your posting that you first had contact about a year ago beyond work. How much longer than the five months has the romance part been going on would you say?

<SNIP>

 

We see each other about 2-3 times a week but talk all day everyday up until he gets home. We just started a relationship 5 months ago and he said in the beginning that he was going to leave the house but that first he wanted to be in good standing with her for the kids. He has never been to my place and he is living with is kids and SO however as far as i know they are in separate rooms. He has 3 kids yes no i have never dated anyone with children but i understand it’s a priority because i have a child myself. I’ve already told him multiple times that we should just end it and he pleads me to not but to give him tome to sort everything out. I can tell he loves me but why wouldn’t he try harder if he really wanted to be with me?

Edited December 8, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[BaileyB]

No, you should not wait anymore.

 

If he wanted to leave, he would leave. The fact that you have done that and he has not is very telling.

 

And she can not deny him his parental right to shared custody of the children. If you believe what he is telling you, I have a bridge to sell you...

Edited December 6, 2018 by BaileyB

[Ayy_cee]

No, you should not wait anymore.

 

If he wanted to leave, he would leave. The fact that you have done that and he has not is very telling.

 

And she can not deny him his parental right to shared custody of the children. If you believe what he is telling you, I have a bridge to sell you...

 

That’s what i tell him and i don’t mean to judge her but shes crazy one day we spoke and she told me if you guys want to be together fine your path is open then next she goes and tells him if you see her or talk to her i will take the kids you will never find us. They do not have a custody agreement either. She has left once before.

[Amethyst68]

So what you're saying is that this is an intelligent, independent man who runs his own company. This is a man who is unable to lift a phone and arrange an appointment with a lawyer to arrange a custody agreement? To go to court to stop his SO from leaving the country with his children?

 

Doesn't sound quite right does it? I'm sorry I'm with everyone else I don't think he'll ever leave.

 

You should concentrate on getting your divorce finalised and move on to a brand new start!

[whichwayisup]

Just to state i have no yet been intimate with him! My marriage was over way before initiating something with him. However he is not actually married but she knows about us and threatens him with his kids and she has done it twice where she up and leaves so he scared to even leave!

But they are a family, have children together, living together in their house. I'm sure their families and friends are all entwined too. He obviously doesn't want to lose his kids.

[Starswillshine]

That’s what i tell him and i don’t mean to judge her but shes crazy one day we spoke and she told me if you guys want to be together fine your path is open then next she goes and tells him if you see her or talk to her i will take the kids you will never find us. They do not have a custody agreement either. She has left once before.

 

Affairs are absolute crazy making. And you have a part in it this women's emotional turmoil. So yes, I wouldn't go around judging the woman... you'll likely be in her place one day if you get your prize.

[carhill]

Without making any value judgments, be sure to independently verify any facts which important decisions turn on.

 

Examples would be domicile, court actions, spousal contact, etc.

 

If he's living in his own domicile and you're free to access him there, that's verification.

 

Court actions can be looked up online or at the court. If he's settling custody, assets, etc, in any legal actions, there will be records. Not necessarily specifics rather that an action exists. For example, anyone could look our divorce case online if they wanted to. It was right there on the court web site. Not the specific documents of course, but a case summary and record of the court's actions. Verification.

 

Spousal contact is verifying assertions independently with the spouse. As our MC used to opine, there's my story then there's my wife's story then there's the truth In your case, the SO has commented on your relationship with her estranged partner but apparently not on other matters, the really important one under discussion being the children. If she's really threatening to disappear with the children, cool, I'm sure his lawyer will know what to do with that. Parental abductions or threats of same aren't taken lightly by CPS in our area. Bad mojo. Verify, document.

 

I'd still date other guys. If he's known you for a year and hasn't had sex with you he's likely having sex with other women or his SO. Men just don't work that way. Celibacy when entangled in a romance is very rare for a sexually active man.

 

Anyway, that's my Thursday afternoon missive. Good luck!

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

We see each other about 2-3 times a week but talk all day everyday up until he gets home. We just started a relationship 5 months ago and he said in the beginning that he was going to leave the house but that first he wanted to be in good standing with her for the kids. He has never been to my place and he is living with is kids and SO however as far as i know they are in separate rooms. He has 3 kids yes no i have never dated anyone with children but i understand it’s a priority because i have a child myself. I’ve already told him multiple times that we should just end it and he pleads me to not but to give him tome to sort everything out. I can tell he loves me but why wouldn’t he try harder if he really wanted to be with me?

 

Child support is expensive.

 

She can't legally keep his kids from him, FYI. It's an excuse.

[Ronni_W]

Hi, Ayy_cee.

Should i continue waiting until he figures it out or how do i call it quits when i have already fallen to deep for him!

Neither of those questions can be answered by anybody else. The more pertinent considerations are around whether you are willing to see this through...even if it might lead to a 'bitter' (for you) end?

 

Even if he desperately wants to be with you, the potential for losing regular access to one's children usually is something that people will avoid at all costs. So,

you need to find out if that is a real threat, or just something that he is using to maintain his status quo.

 

If you have any sense that he wants to eat his cake, and have it, too, then you need to determine how and if you can play along with that. Once you have clarity around that,

then you'll be more easily able to decide if staying and waiting, or calling it quits, is the best option for your own self-esteem and life goals.

 

It's not necessarily an easy decision or choice to make, but using your best insight and intuition will help you to be able to live with whatever the consequences may be.

 

Sending hugs.

[BaileyB]

That’s what i tell him and i don’t mean to judge her but shes crazy one day we spoke and she told me if you guys want to be together fine your path is open then next she goes and tells him if you see her or talk to her i will take the kids you will never find us. They do not have a custody agreement either. She has left once before.

 

Why are you speaking with the mother of his children and/or willing to stay in this situation if she is stalking you? I mean, isn't your common sense screaming at you to get out - something is not right here. This is BAD BAD BAD!

[Ayy_cee]

Why are you speaking with the mother of his children and/or willing to stay in this situation if she is stalking you? I mean, isn't your common sense screaming at you to get out - something is not right here. This is BAD BAD BAD!

 

It is not that I’m speaking to her when she found out about us was because she went through his phone and saw that we had been in contact she must have saved my number and contacted me. She said she just wanted clarity on the situation. I stopped working with him for that reason i didn’t want any more problems that what there was.