Ultimate Recovery Guide(my experiences)

[Snickerboy99]

Hey guys, just wanted to make a thread to share what it means to recover to me and certain steps and philosophies of mine.

 

1. Immediately after the breakup,

I think at this stage, most experienced people will recommend going NC immediately. But in my opinion, I think it's good to leave a text/call with this in mind.

•Tell them you respect their decision.

•Tell them that you think that things can still work out if they are willing to.

•Tell them you will respect their wishes and will move on.

•That they felt that your relationship meant something and you will always remember the good memories.

 

2. Proceed to go NC.

I know this is difficult. Your ego is bruised. You are devastated that they left. You can't believe it. Wtf man.

 

But guess what? This is going to give you the highest chance of getting them back. IMO.

It's normal for people to go NC with the intention of getting your ex back. But I believe as time goes by, you will eventually accept it even if she doesnt and move on. It takes time.

 

It's emotionally very hard to do this. But focusing on yourself and taking up new hobbies, formulating a breakup Todo list can help take your mind and dependency off your ex.

 

3. If she ever contacts you, try and meet up.

This I have no experiences with as of now. Haha. But I believe this is the best course of action.

 

Thing is, this is what I've learnt from the mistakes I've made, and is what I believe is the best thing to do. I believe getting over someone to me isn't about going cold turkey and forcing yourself to not think about her, it's impossible. It's about trying your best to think about her less and eventually accepting that it's over and that you will still have a life ahead of you. (and you will eventually find love. Let the waves of life carry you to the next shore. Don't try too hard, trust that it will come.)

 

I didn't take her seriously when she broke it off with me. I thought she was just saying it in the heat of the moment because she was angry, so I tried to patch things up and convince her to come back for 2-3 weeks. But I believe it only made things worse.

 

My friend advised me to block her and go NC. Which I did, told her I'll disappear forever and I tried my best, removed her from everything. Blocked her. She knows where I stay and could always give me a call, so if she ever wanted to. She would find a way.

 

Haven't heard from her for 2 weeks. But as much as I try to, I can't help but stalk/see what is up to in her life. She seems to be genuinely happy and smiling everyday, going out with her friends and pursuing her passions.

 

As her boyfriend, I tried my best to make her happy. But I guess in the end she wasn't really that happy. So I'll have to let her go. (She felt suffocated in the r/s, and we fought too many times)

 

I'll have to admit, seeing her so happy without me hurts. But I believe that as a man, you shouldn't 'compete' with your ex to try to win the breakup, it doesn't really matter. A girl is bound to be able to find a partner easier than a guy, after all, men are attracted to physical traits while women are attracted to character traits. I'll admit i'm not as happy as her right now, but I wouldn't say I'm miserable either. It's just that I find it a pity that it ended this way, guess 'forever' only lasts till she stopped loving me.

 

If she came back, I would take her back. (If she didn't get together with someone else that is. If she did I wouldn't, unless I did too.) But if she doesn't, I do hope that one day, I'll be able to meet up with her and talk to her, tell her what a pity it was for it to end, and maybe be a friend down the road.(after all, there was a time when we did care for each other.)

 

Yeah. That's my experiences to getting over someone. I'm still not 100% over her, and I believe it would continue to hurt for a few more months, but eventually. I'll be alright.

 

Would appreciate any thoughts and personal experiences to be shared. Did your ex come back? What do you think about my actions/opinions? Do you agree?

 

For those that are experiencing a breakup, just know that you'll be alright one day. It might not seem like it. But one day you will move on.

Edited December 6, 2018 by Snickerboy99

[HumanMachine]

Stopped reading after point 1. Sorry OP but the cringey “I respect your decision” messages are awful.

 

Step 1 is no contact.

[Snickerboy99]

Stopped reading after point 1. Sorry OP but the cringey “I respect your decision” messages are awful.

 

Step 1 is no contact.

 

Hmm maybe it is cringey but I would say it's kinda important to let the other person know that the relationship meant something. Going NC immediately may make the other person think you don't really treasure the r/s?

 

The message I'm trying to give off is. That the relationship is worth fighting for, but i dont need it to survive/be happy.

[nolanola]

I'm going to say something maybe a little controversial here. I know a lot of the guides and advice I see on here say to not grovel, not beg, not let the other person know that you still love them, play it cool, etc, etc. However, I don't see anything wrong with simply telling someone that you care about them, are sad about their choice to break up, will miss them, etc. as long as you do this ONCE and don't continue to beat them over the head with it. All of us heal in our own ways. Some of us get there slowly, some get there quickly. If it makes you feel better to do that and gives you a sense of peace, then I say do it.

 

Especially if you can do this and then truly go NC and try to move on -- I think this actually sets you up pretty well. Even if you never talk to that person again, you have walked away without angry and bitter words. I regret a lot of angry things I've said over the years because I hurt people that I cared about.

 

If this makes you feel better and helps you feel better about starting NC (which you absolutely should) then I say do it. I think it actually might throw the dumper a little off their game to have you react in that way instead of freaking out like they might expect.

[HumanMachine]

If someone breaks up with you there is no need for the goodbye message, they are past the point of being interested in the relationship. Best to stick to NC and leave with your head held high.

[Purepony]

You never really know so there’s no one set way

I always try to say everything one last time if it doesn’t work then I walk out knowing I tried but it also depends on a few things like what happened or what’s going on.

 

If a girl finds a new prospect it’s peetty much done no matter what.

[BMWN52]

You never really know so there’s no one set way

I always try to say everything one last time if it doesn’t work then I walk out knowing I tried but it also depends on a few things like what happened or what’s going on.

 

If a girl finds a new prospect it’s peetty much done no matter what.

 

I broke no contact today since October, it was a nice closure that things weren't emotional. Basically we just asked each other how things are going. She made sure to let me know, she didn't want me to continue talking to her. But, it was cordial and polite. At least I know, I've tried one last time. She is with someone new which makes it hella alot more difficult. But I was finally able to confront this " ghost" that has been plaguing my mind. At least my seeds have been planted she knows. All you can do.

[Endnote]

I'm an advocate of being a minimalist when it comes to being the dumpee. Say as little as possible. Convey indifference, but don't tell them you don't care, or don't try to use reverse psychology and say "I'm glad you're leaving". I haven't made that mistake but I know a few who have, boy did they regret that! The less you say the better. Remember this isn't for your ex's sake, cuz they just might not care. You can look back on what you said/did and know that you didn't say or do anything to look weak or foolish, or even more importantly, something you'll regret down the road (things like "you're a selfish *sshole/bitch" "I hope all these terrible things happen to you" etc etc). You might be inclined to think "but I love this person and I need to tell them how I feel". I don't think saying you love them (care about them, still want to be with them etc), that you respect their decision, that you're sad about their choice to break up will do much to make them change their mind, make you feel better, or even change how they might be perceiving their own guilt, no matter how much truth is in what you tell them. Words are just words, after all. Most of what you say likely won't matter to them anyway, especially if they're truly done.

 

Personally, I've never respected my exes' decisions to end the relationship, no matter how they went about things, because none of them had the guts to tell me the truth, which honestly should have been "I'm not happy with you because (a,b,c etc), so I don't want to be with you", yeah that sh*t would hurt, but at least it'd be the truth. All of my breakups were filled with patronizing and emotionally ambiguous bullsh*t. I value myself enough to know the decision is a bad one, because I have worked hard in my life to offer great things in a relationship without being an overbearing doormat. There's no need to feed their ego or make them feel less guilty by telling them something they don't deserve to hear, and something that's insincere. I'd only respect their decision if I was being a horrible person (if that's the case well then, no one has told me this yet, and that would sure be nice to know), or I wanted to get the hell out too.

 

Love is something earned, and when your ex decides to end the relationship, especially when they end it with a lot of BS both in their words and actions, they've lost the right to hear me tell them I love them. That mindset happened for me immediately on my most recent breakup. And I feel a lot more confident and content with my actions when that relationship ended, as opposed to the begging and pleading I did in the past. I still prefer silence over anything else. That said, I agree with nolanola in that, if you're going to say anything, lay out your terms once, calmly and rationally, and walk away forever. That's the hardest thing to do, but it's definitely worth it. If they ever come back, then you can make a decision based on what you want/feel when that time comes.

 

I've never had an ex come back, but I can easily say that the way I acted in previous breakups made it easy for them to stay away, because my mistakes were abundant. I said things that made me look desperate and anxious. But I learned to value myself and how to best walk away because of those mistakes. It's made my current breakup experience somewhat enlightening and overall a lot easier to survive. If my current ex ever came back who knows what I'd do, but at least I can be proud of my behavior since things ended.

 

 

Edit: I forgot to add, that I shouldn't have to say anything about whether or not the relationship meant something to me, or that it's worth fighting for. Of course it did, I'm not the one doing the breaking up. Yeah obviously the relationship meant something to the dumper in the past, but not enough to stick around now. If I'm ever at the point where the relationship means nothing to me, I'd hope I have the guts to end things and tell the other person that's the case.

Edited December 7, 2018 by Endnote
Wanted to add more.