bensmail2 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 We broke up badly 4 weeks before getting married just over 7 years ago after a 10 year relationship. I won't get in to all the details but I was left feeling very hurt, used and deceived. I was very angry for many years and I still to this day think about it frequently. 7 years later I have calmed down quite a bit but I still feel like this is a large load to carry around. I have tried to forgive her but I'm not sure I have really... we have not traded a single word written or spoken in over 7 years. Recently I have started thinking about the 10 years of my life with this woman and how I have focused on the negative for so long I barely remember anything good from it. Now I am happily married and have a 4 month old daughter. Having a baby really changes the way you look at things. I am not looking to get back into any sort of relationship with her... not even friendship, but I am starting to think that if I call her and talk to her that maybe I can let go of these negative memories and start remembering the good times. I'm worried that I will not get what I want if I do call... (whatever that may be) that I will open a can of worms...?? If she is anoyed that I call or does not seem to care, that may hurt me even more. I'm hoping others out there have had similar situations. Anyone have any advice? Thank You
sanne Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 well you need to ask yourself if you are still in love with this woman after all of this time. i think if you have moved on than making that phone call will not open a can of worms and will make you feel a lot better about the whole situation. on the flipside, if you still have feelings for her then making that phonecall will only make you think about her even more.
pippen_2k Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Do yourself a favour, do your wife a favour and do your child a favour and DONT make that phone call! It wont be fair on anyone..even your ex.
francis Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I dont think the answer lies in returning to her to dispell the bad memories. Is this bored with your life right now? why would you want to re-hash the past just to make yourself feel better? I think you should not be so selfish, it's something you should come to terms with yourself, you should be focussing on raising your daughter, nurturing your marriage, planning your next family holiday, thinking about your career, planning your future...NOT dwelling on the past and maudling in self pity.
guest Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 It doesn't seem to be that you are looking for reconcilation in any manner and my advice is operating under that assumption. The level of angry you are describing in a relationship comes from betrayal. If there was a betrayal in that relationship and you never forgave her nor yourself than it's worth exploring to figure out how to do so. This may be possible without contacting her thru counseling and other means. However, my guess is that you want to hear from her some apology or perhaps to assuage some deeper need, an acceptance of responsibility for what occurred. The problem is this: It never meant as much to her as it did to you. This is what you need to understand. Now talking with her may give you that it may not. I would suggest you understand, the risk and chance you would be taking and how it could possibly effect your family negatively.
bluechocolate Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Of course not! In my opinion it will achieve nothing. In fact, there is a distinct possibility that it will open up all sorts of old wounds & make matters worse. And besides, what right do you have to drag up the past with this woman to placate your own anxieties? She may, quite rightly, seriously resent the intrusion and have no need or desire for your forgiveness. I was very angry for many years and I still to this day think about it frequently. If this is seriously bugging you, and it sounds like it is, I suggest a few sessions with a therapist to get to the bottom of it. Seven years is way too long to be carrying this kind of garbage around and the solution is not going to be found by contacting this woman.
lindya Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Obviously she lives in the place in the side of your life where nothing is ever put straight (apologies to the Psychedelic Furs). It's hard to see what good could possibly come from you calling this woman. If it's just about letting her know that you've moved on, don't care about her any more and are having a great life....best way to do it is to spend the rest of your life not contacting her.
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