Jonn Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) It is my first time posting something here, i'd appreciate your constructive insights and i am sorry for the long story. I am dating my gf for an year and a half. when we met, she put straight forward that she wants a serious relationship potentially mariage and no waist of time. So we started dating because i want something lasting as well. Over the cours of our relationship she brought up many times, very subtly, that i am not good looking. I never said something because i wanted to make sure that she really means it. so now i am sure that for her i am not that good looking. A bit about me! i know that i am not that bad looking, i am tall, i workout, sometime i am getting in good shape other i lose abit and i get back. but i am not overweight or anything. But i know that the type of face that she likes, i dont have that face. Sex is great, she always says that she is very fulfilled sexually. In terms of love, she says that she loves me and she cant live without me. I love her as well. Now i am so confused and frustrated. Does she really love me? sometimes when we having sex i am asking my self isnt she not turned off by looking at me bc i am not her type? I am really in a piss off situation, i dont want to be as someone just to file the blank. I am scared that if i continue and down the road she starts cheating whenever she meets her type of guys. Should i leave her and go with someone to whom i think i ll be more valuable, more desired? As a result of all this, i trust her less and i feel that she might cheat with a good looking guy (he type of guys) if and when the oppurtunity comes. Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator OP request
LauraXX Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Well, I don't think she'd still be with you if she wasn't attracted to you on some level. I also don't think she'd enjoy the sex as much as she apparently does. I've been in relationships with guys that I was extremely attracted to, even though they were not handsome in an objective, conventional way. But to me they were. If someone would have asked me: "So, your boyfriend must be very good looking", I would probably have answered with something along the lines of "Well... he is to me." It must be annoying when your partner never tells you that you're looking good. But I'd still doubt that she really doesn't like the way you look.
carhill Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Welcome to LS.... What's your/her general age range? Her interest in the superficial, and feeling no bones about telling you directly, tells me young. You'll do for now until a BBD comes along. She likes that you're attracted to her and feels little inhibition in replacing you if/when it becomes desired or expedient. When a woman imparts negative words in your face, believe her. In your case, as a litmus test, how's kissing? Does she like being in your face, making out that way, showing affection that way?
preraph Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Well, if she's able to enjoy sex with you, then she must find you attractive enough to want to have sex with. Either that or she just really wants sex a lot no matter what, which is unusual for women. You know, I got an old dog that I found a long time ago and it was a very homely dog, technically, but once I'd had her for a couple of months, I thought she was the most beautiful dog there ever was or will be. Parents normally think their children are very beautiful, no matter what they look like. I worry about this situation because of those things. I think if she really loved you more than you are just convenient to her, she'd think you are at least kind of beautiful, especially since you said you are not bad looking. We all have out types, and even on Loveshack you hear mostly men complaining she's not his normal type and he's probably always still looking but just holding on to her unless he finds one he thinks is more attractive that will have him. Women normally need to be attracted and/or have their emotions just right with a guy to want sex with him regularly, but there are exceptions. Some women are a bit more like a lot of men that way and just want regular sex and will compromise to get it. They're more mechanical and less emotional about it. They're rare, but I know a couple. I think the bigger question is are you getting enough out of this relationship? Sounds like the sex part is fine. You said she didn't want to waste time, so that points to her being ready to have kids no matter what, which may also be the reason she's everyready for sex -- which means once she has kids, that could totally go away. So I see your concern. She might just be wanting a baby or two. So whether you two are a match who can make a happy family, that's something you just need to think about and maybe talk about. This doesn't sound on either side like a big love story but more of a marriage of convenience. 2
diddilybop Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 i don't know about this, OP. the way you describe your relationship (outside of what she's said about your appearance) doesn't seem all that great either - ie. "when we met, she put straight forward that she wants a serious relationship potentially marriage and no waist of time. So we started dating because i want something lasting as well. " so, are you guys dating out of convenience and the security of being in a relationship that'll turn into marriage or because you actually care and are IN LOVE with each other?
Kelliousme Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 People can say a lot of things they don't mean when they're angry. So her saying something like "You're not that good looking, who do you think you are?" during a heated argument between you two, I wouldn't think too much into it. Now it really depends on how well you know your girlfriend. Is she blunt and honest? I mean if my boyfriend isn't good looking.. I'm not going to tell the world that he's the best looking guy ever lol. I've always told my close friends that my boyfriend isn't good looking. However, to me he's the hottest guy on earth :lmao: My current bf isn't ugly, but he's far from good looking. He has a big belly, slightly overweight, and he doesn't dress the way I imagine my ideal man to dress. Basically I'm saying, my bf is far from my "ideal" type. But I love him to death. I'm physically attracted to him because of all the emotions tied to him, not just because of his looks. So, perhaps your gf also thinks this way.
carhill Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) It appears the OP's girlfriend has a wider ranging focus on his looks than when she's using it as an emotional weapon in an argument.... per quote: Over the course of our relationship she brought up many times, very subtly, that i am not good looking. I never said something because i wanted to make sure that she really means it. so now i am sure that for her i am not that good looking. You're not good looking but you'll do, for now. Some people are wired that way. Loved a few of them. Learned some lessons. The OP will learn his. Edited January 13, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator OP request
smackie9 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 You are going to get a bunch of guesses and whatnot here but it's not going to help you, but talking to her directly about it will. Jon talk to her about it. Express your feelings on her behavior and how it makes you feel. And don't let her cloud things up with "oh but I love you....." That isn't what you are looking for in an answer...tell her that you are looking for honest answers in this discussion.
carhill Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Try "I feel hurt and insulted when you tell me I'm not good-looking'. Then start dating someone else because you'll be done. The narrative will be you're a weak and insecure man who isn't secure in his looks and sexual prowess.
fromheart Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Why would you be with someone who tells you that she thinks your not good looking, and even tells her boss? Come on, you deserve better than that. Dump her and get a better looking, behaving woman who appreciates you a bit more.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 It is very possible to enjoy sex with someone without being all that attracted to them ... Usually when this happens in a serious relationship the person almost never initiates sex with the person they aren't all that attracted to. So a question: Does she initiate affectionate touch and does she initiate sex? It's definitely troubling that your gf insults your looks. How are you supposed to feel like a treasured partner? And make no mistake, this is an insult! In my view, you owe it to the other person you want to marry to think they're good looking. What's also troubling is that she can't find you good looking--even though there are many ways we can judge people good looking, especially if we like them. There are women who if I were to randomly pass them on the street I would not find particularly pretty. But add in energy and personality, a great smile or a nice voice ... and an electric feeling I get when I'm with them ... and that person can become quite pretty in my mind. There's a double-standard here and I don't just mean men vs. women. Can you imagine telling her she's not looking? I doubt you can. Life is hard ... throw in being married to someone who openly tells people that you're ugly ... I don't see how this works out for you. Red flag.
2much4 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) I think it's kinda cruel to tell someone you don't think they are good looking. Especially your SO. I mean, I did have boyfriends who objectively weren't the most good looking (actually I'm not really attracted to "model" types at all), but it wouldn't have occured to me to tell them. That's so insulting. Edited December 5, 2018 by 2much4
basil67 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 The strangest thing to me is that the two of you are even discussing your looks. 1
preraph Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 ^ Yeah, it's like she's trying to build her value by diminishing his or something. 1
DrNo1962 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 "she brought up many times, very subtly, that i am not good looking." You need to stand your ground here dude. It's unacceptable for your gf to be talking to you in that way. You don't need to be butthurt about it but you need to comeback at her in a loving/playful way whilst putting her back in her place. If she continually tries to diminish you by picking on this supposed "weakness" of yours (in her mind) then you need to walk away. You want a girl who loves and appreciates you completely and is drama free.
Author Jonn Posted December 5, 2018 Author Posted December 5, 2018 Welcome to LS.... What's your/her general age range? Her interest in the superficial, and feeling no bones about telling you directly, tells me young. You'll do for now until a BBD comes along. She likes that you're attracted to her and feels little inhibition in replacing you if/when it becomes desired or expedient. When a woman imparts negative words in your face, believe her. In your case, as a litmus test, how's kissing? Does she like being in your face, making out that way, showing affection that way? Crhill: she is 5 years youngers 24yrs old but i know she like older guys. her exs were older as well. when it comes to kissing, she always want to kiss. she is always huging me. Once we were in a public place and i didnt kiss her and didnt hug her and she got super pissed. I did that bc in that place there were alot good looking guys i wanted to see her reaction but she got super pissed that i didnt gave her attention. So these are very contradictory signals that i am getting, and i can not make my mind as to what should i do.
carhill Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Interesting, people generally don't like kissing a face they find unattractive. In your case perhaps there's some middle ground between unattractive and ' not good-looking'. I'd outline it as 'meh'. Given my age, our faces mostly have shown the effects of life and age and I definitely know, when attracted to someone, I do want to kiss her, often, and can't imagine for even a remote instant considering her face not good looking. Every small detail and even what she or others might consider flaws are unique and valued. I guess women are more complex She's 24. Cool, enjoy. Expect this kind of stuff from her, or at least accept it. I couldn't abide it but hey I'm twice your age. Seen too much of that stuff.
Author Jonn Posted December 5, 2018 Author Posted December 5, 2018 "This doesn't sound on either side like a big love story but more of a marriage of convenience. Preraph: That is exactly what i think. She really wants to get serious but my concern is that if there is not a big love story i am only there to file a blank and that means she will easily cheat if/when the oppurtunity represents. And it kills me to see myself as person who file who is there to file a blank, especially in a relationship.
preraph Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Yeah, I see why you have reason to be concerned. Does she only get mad you're not hugging and kissing if there's people or friends around, or is that even at home? I'm wondering if she's putting on a show for friends is why I ask. But if she also does it in private, then she has attraction to you, but of course her main motivation could still be getting pregnant.
Author Jonn Posted December 5, 2018 Author Posted December 5, 2018 yeah she is very touchy, and she always want me to kiss her no matter private and public. she loves attention tho
preraph Posted December 6, 2018 Posted December 6, 2018 Well, I don't know what possible reason she could have for making you feel unattractive to her. I guess she wants to bring you down a notch. Which is crappy. People with low self-esteem are who feel the need to put others down because it gives them the illusion they're elevating themselves. I think a couples counselor may be in order here. You need to know what you're dealing with.
fiazzo Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I think it's kinda cruel to tell someone you don't think they are good looking. Especially your SO. I mean, I did have boyfriends who objectively weren't the most good looking (actually I'm not really attracted to "model" types at all), but it wouldn't have occured to me to tell them. That's so insulting. I very much agree, clearly she is attracted to you, but what it seems to me is that she lack self-confidence and has some sort of self-esteem issue. From what you mentioned from her past is that she was cheated on, this could be the deep issue here, maybe on a deeper level she doesn't feel good about her self and she projects those insecurities on you by putting your looks down, but maybe its not even about you, it could be she has fears she might get cheated on again. just a thought. relationships are complicated when people come from traumatic experiences like she did. to me, this feels like her defensiveness and not feeling good with herself situation. I think you should have a real talk to her but from a place of compassion(at the same time be assertive, she cant disrespect you) and try to be open and understand why she says that maybe she might reveal her issues, if she does then communicate with her about those thing so this has to stop..she really can't treat you and damage your self-esteem like this but if this keeps getting worse then I wouldn't want to be with someone who puts me down in any way, obviously your decision what you feel is best for you..
DKT3 Posted December 13, 2018 Posted December 13, 2018 I think the vast majority of women are far more attracted to how a guy makes them feel then they are to how he looks. I'm guessing she is over stating your unattractiveness for you. I get the feeling that you are not the most confident of men. If I can pick that up so easy, she knows. Could be her way of keeping you on lockdown. Does she have a history of unfaithful boyfriends? I'm guessing yes.
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