mejustme Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 (edited) I just can’t seem to get this dating stuff right. I just spent 4 months, maybe a little less with a guy. We were only seeing each other. New guy was constantly going to my ex’s Facebook and seeing things he was posting. On two separate occasions we were within miles of each other ( me not knowing this) when new guy asked what I was up to I told him where and what I was doing. I was not with the ex, and haven’t even had any communication with the ex since September. I even went to the extremes to prove this to him, but clearly ex isn’t over me and keeps posting things directed toward me. We are all 44-47 years of age, I can’t believe I am playing such hs games at my age. At any rate, I never cheated...I did tell a white lie before bc ex was waterproofing my basement and I owed him money and he was harassing me so instead of airing my drama, I told him I wasn’t meeting with the ex, new guy found out and I immediately told him the truth. That’s to the extent of my lying. And at that moment I explained all of this to the new guy. He said he understood and wouldn’t hold it over my head. Well he did, but he is being very dramatic making up scenarios in his head. Again, I went to opposite ends of the earth to prove those scenarios were just made up. He ended it with me still. I just don’t get it. I really enjoyed him and was looking forward to spending more time with him. I can’t help but to wonder if there is any hope with him. I spent about 2 days trying to get him to see the truth on my end, but he isn’t having it. It’s been more than 24 hours and nc from either. I’m really beating myself up over here. And now I am playing the head game with myself wondering if another girl stroked his ego...but wow, would he stoop that low to make me feel as if it’s my fault? Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Wallysbears Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 The guy sounds crazy jealous and potentially possessive. Be done with him. You don't need that in your life. 1
Author mejustme Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 The guy sounds crazy jealous and potentially possessive. Be done with him. You don't need that in your life. I know, but I really enjoyed him, with the exception of that. I know it's a big nugget, but just thought that I could prove him wrong.
basil67 Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 I totally believe you weren't cheating. But if there was no communication with the ex, how did the two of you know that the ex was still posting things about you?
salparadise Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 So if I'm reading this correctly, you employed your ex to waterproof your basement. He was at your house for a significant amount of time, presumably while you were there as well. You owed him for working on the basement and/or other things. You told the boyfriend that you had not been in contact with the ex and he found out differently. Is that correct? The boyfriend may be overly jealous and obsessive, however, you triggered/validated his suspicions by lying about contact with the ex. Then he takes if from there and makes up even more stuff in his head and won't believe you when you say nothing is going on? Is that right? I'm sorry this is happening. I know breakups can be difficult, even from a fairly sort-term relationship. Catching you in that one lie resulted in a perfect storm when combined with his jealousy it seems. A few months in is a challenging time. You're both still feeling each other out and trying to decide what this other person is made of. In the future, when building a new relationship with someone, be absolutely honest, even about small seemingly insignificant things. That doesn't mean you have to disclose everything you know, but... if you get caught in a deception, white or otherwise, the other person can reasonably conclude that this person can and will obfuscate or outright lie to me. That is a deal breaker for most people. It sounds like an unfortunate combination... the ex, a jealous boyfriend, a deception revealed. I'm sorry.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 I know, but I really enjoyed him, with the exception of that. I know it's a big nugget, but just thought that I could prove him wrong. Just stay away from guys like this altogether. You'll be forever jumping through bigger and higher hoops to prove you didn't do something. It's not worth it.
Author mejustme Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 (edited) I just posted briefly regarding some of this topic. But here is the thing. I've been divorced for about 6 years; I accidentally met someone about 1 year after my ex husband moved out. We were very into each other, and saw only each other for four years. We were very serious at times, but not so serious at other times. We broke up about 3 times within those four years for some not so major and some major stuff. Our break up before this most recent one was regarding my children and their sports and how he wasn't spending every friday night on the field. My children have been and are very athletic and I will not take that from them. I believe this is what keeps them so well rounded. I have two children and honestly sports helped them through our divorce. At any rate, my ex boyfried has a child (of which is not at all active in ANYTHING) and that was fine by me. Problem is, I never made ex feel like he had to join me on the field, I never expected that of him. Sure, every once in a while was nice. but never expected him to drop everything. But I knew darn straight I was not missing any of their games. Of course, I would if we were invited to a wedding or something of that nature, but not to go and hang in a bar. Well in September 2017, I just had enough arguing over spending his friday nights on a field that I ended it. It was the only time that I ended it with him. I finally saw how selfish he was. (Fastforward about 4 months ) he and I decided to meet up and talk. He promised me the world, promised to do more of the things that I liked and so on, and he did. We were great for a while, but my feelings changed. I never felt the same way about him again. He made me feel like I had to pick and choose between him and my children. IDK what happened b/c he did everything right this time around, but I just wasn't that into him anymore. I ended it for good this time. You see, It was the first time that I wasn't afraid to be alone, the first time I put myself and my feelings first. He was getting close to proposing, I know this. So fastword several months later and I started to date. I met a really nice guy out one night. I had known him for about 5 years and was always interested in meeting him and getting to know a little more about him. We hit it off right from the start. We spend 1 night a week together, which turned into 3 nights a week with each other.... he was into me and I was into him. He wanted me to get my passport renewed so that we could go on vacation together, we started making future plans together like his work party, my work party, and other functions. He called me his GF ( I am not one for lables, but I thought that was sweet) We were hot right from the start...and them whammmmm, out of nowhere he ends it. He says he feels as though he cannot trust me, he thinks I am still seeing my ex and that there were too many coincidences on our part. The ex being in one place and me bing within miles from him. I woke up early to take some photos of the sun set and so did ex. I have no clue what ex is doing, with whom he is doing this or anything that the ex is doing. Current BF (or current Ex) was looking at his FB page and noticed these things. I am not one to stalk anybody on facebook, I am hardly even on it, so I had no clue what the ex was actually doing. But sesriously he ends it b/c he doesn't feel that he can trust me? I did nothing wrong for him not to trust me. I begged for him to believe me (yes, I am ashamed to admit this-but I thought if I could prove to him then we would still be together, but nope we aren't) I must say that I did tell one small white lie when he and I first started talking... He knew that ex was working on my house and that lose ends were not taken care of as of this time. I went to ex/s house one night to pay him for his services, b/c ex became very annoyed and started to harrass me, instead of airing my dirty laundry I never mentioned that I was going there for fear of him losing interest in me b/c of the "drama" that ex had created. Well, ne guy found out and I lied, but then immediatley told him and didn't deny it. So now he claims after 3 more months since the white lie that he cannot trust me. Personally I think that is an excuse and I think someone else has tickled his fancy or stroked his ego. Any way my guestion is, do you all think this as well, and I just can't figure out what I keep doing wrong here. I mean I feel like I meet someone they are all into me, and then bammm. Just last week he called me his GF and wanted to make sure that I planned to renew my passport to go away with him...told me he really likes me a lot. and so on. So what gives?! Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author mejustme Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 (edited) I totally believe you weren't cheating. But if there was no communication with the ex, how did the two of you know that the ex was still posting things about you? The new BF was looking at his facebook wall. I know sounds like we are in Highschool right? Not I am 44 and he is 45. Crazy. So long story short, I wake up super early and like to get my day started and chores and what not done early. Well this particular morning I woke up at 5:30 had to run my one son someplace at 7:30, well I got up and decided to go and get gas and money for my son at 5:30 AM. and then I had spare time so I went and took some photos of the sunrise and posted them on my wall. Well Ex apparently was out and about at that time as well and took pictures of the sunrise (he never does this BTW-but he knows that I do, so I would surmmize that he did this so I would see it) any how new b/f saw this and swore we were togther... Which we were not...and another incident where I was looking for a clear bookbag for a football game the next day. I left work dropped kids off and ran straight to the store, stopped for take out and came right home. New guy asked what I was up to, so I told him where I was and then heading home, not knowing that the ex was within 2 miles of me (new guy knew this b/c ex checked in on FB) and new guy thought I was with the ex again. I did everything in my power to prove this was not true, and I was able to b/c It wasn't true at all. But he still ended things. IDK what bothers me more, him ending it with me, or him accussing me of something that couldn't be more wrong. Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author mejustme Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 Read the whole paragraph and realized you posted the exact same thing using different words and smaller paragraphs on an identical separate thread. You received good advice over there, why start an entirely new thread? It was a little long winded. I’m not sure exactly, what I was trying to say is that I feel like we date and date and establish exclusivity and whether it be that the guys I’ve dated are still shopping or not, just feel like I get pushed aside bc in his eyes someone better comes along or strokes the ego. So I am trying to see if I am too cautious, take things too slowly or what?! Idk. How does a guy go from wanting spend more time with you, wanting to take you on vacation, calling you his gf to ending things a week later?! I just don’t get it
Normm Posted December 4, 2018 Posted December 4, 2018 Your question on both threads is "Do you think this guy met someone he liked better and was no trusting me because of the white lie just an excuse". All you are going to get, all you CAN get is guesses. Could be that, could be a number of other things as well. No matter how many responses you get, no matter how many people vote on 'possibility number one' it doesn't change the fact that no one can get inside this guys head and know exactly what he's thinking. Control the things you can, and disregard the rest. Life is too short to wonder and worry about people who have nothing to offer and this guy in particular, is history. If there's a few takeways that you can benefit from going forward, then great. Work on yourself and improve so that you can be a good partner to someone worthy of your affections. The only issue I see is that you lied to the guy and that's something you need to work on for sure. Trust is everything in a relationship, even people who are well grounded and don't go around constantly accusing their partner of misdoings, as he did. 1
olivetree Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 I think Your early lie bit you in the ass later. You've now learned that even white lies, especially involving exes and other men can be very damaging to a relationship as they lead to questioning your fidelity. That would be a deal-breaker for a lot of people. If he truly believed you are still seeing your ex on the side, then it makes sense that he ended it. Why don't you believe that? It sounds like you both don't trust each other to be completely honest.
chillii Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 Not sure what him even going to the kids sports fits , you aren't engaged or married they aren't his kids they have a father. As far as what's happened, not sure. Not sure either where ahh, someone stroking his ego comes from , don't you stroke it , do you think you don't make him feel good about himself , or him you ? However , it does sound like , only sounds that is, like he met someone else , but that usually has no more to do with ego than it would your ego if you met someone else. Has a lot more to do with just liking them more though and being a better fit. But like someone said , can't say for sure that's it, there might be no one , he might just be sick of everything and not feeling it.
Robert Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 For the posters posting, I merged 2 threads running on the same topic so there are additional posts concerning the original topic
Author mejustme Posted December 5, 2018 Author Posted December 5, 2018 Not sure what him even going to the kids sports fits , you aren't engaged or married they aren't his kids they have a father. As far as what's happened, not sure. Not sure either where ahh, someone stroking his ego comes from , don't you stroke it , do you think you don't make him feel good about himself , or him you ? However , it does sound like , only sounds that is, like he met someone else , but that usually has no more to do with ego than it would your ego if you met someone else. Has a lot more to do with just liking them more though and being a better fit. But like someone said , can't say for sure that's it, there might be no one , he might just be sick of everything and not feeling it. The point was that he was interested in doing things with me. His interest was peeking up until the day before he ended it. "stroking the ego" is a term used for he is interested in someone else. Or at least that is what I am pondering, b/c it doesn't or didn't make sense to me. I get it now, I lied early on. It did bite me in the ass. It's all coming together.
kendahke Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 (edited) Why don't you just dump him? It's not worth all the stress. Let him go find someone else to berate on a daily basis. He's never going to let go of that lie and seriously? It's not "airing your drama" to tell the man you're in a relationship with that you owe money to your ex and have been dodging repaying him.... or don't get into relationships until you've cleaned up your previous messes. What tripped you up is that you took what he said to you while in the teeth of shock to be his policy going forward when that was just the earthquake--the tsunami follows now. This is why lying for any reason is never a good idea. The truth always outs when you can least afford for it to. Edited December 5, 2018 by kendahke 1
lurker74 Posted December 5, 2018 Posted December 5, 2018 I know, but I really enjoyed him, with the exception of that. I know it's a big nugget, but just thought that I could prove him wrong. Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
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