UNnamed Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 This has been causing me a great deal of stress... but it's my fault.. I lied to my Boyfriend of 8 months.. when I told the lie we weren't even dating.. I have had many bad relationships in the past.. so whenever another guy came into my life I would try to scare them off... It didn't work this time.. and I ended up loving this guy dearly.. I think he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Anyway.. I lied about being gang raped to scare him off... I didn't want to be in a relationship.. but that just drew him closer.. I had recently been sexually abused by my godfather.. and I wasn't ready to be in a relationship.. I told him about that.. and he didn't leave... so I made up the story..we have now been dating for 8 months.. and I feel horrible.. struggling from depression because I know I lied to him.. He has a huge trust problem.. and I'm afraid he will leave me.. I can't go a day without him... but I can't go a day without thinking of the lie.. I've used it to get out of sex... SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!!!!
littlekitty Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Unfortunately the truth will always come out in the end. This is a prime example of why telling lies is never the sensible option. You could have just been honest with him. I'm afraid the only thing you can do is be honest. It is the only solution available to you. Whether he will stay or leave, is something noone else can tell you. You're going to have to take that risk.
UNnamed Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I understand what I have to do, but the question is WHEN!! I am going in for heart surgery next month, and I know I won't be able to do it without his support... but this is driving me crazy.. I care for him so much.. How do I tell him without making him think I've been unfaithful? Should I wait til after the surgery? should I tell him before? I have no clue what to do.. I love him so much.. I didn't think this relationship would turn out so good for both of us.. I do hope he will understand.. I don't want him to think that I'm nothing but a lie.. because I'm not... I do understand that trust takes a long time to get back... but, I'm not sure he will be able to trust me again.. thank you for your post..
lindya Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 There's no way of knowing whether your bf will be prepared to work things through with you when he hears that you lied about this. People who love you can often be amazingly understanding and forgiving about stupid things that you find it impossible to forgive yourself for doing. If, that is, they know that you're genuinely sorry, and are prepared to deal with the issues that led you to make such a mistake. I think you need to make this confession equipped with a clear understanding of what his main concerns are likely to be. One of the big difficulties with this particular lie that you've told is that it involves a claim of rape that didn't actually occur. Now, I'm not a guy - but if I were him I'm pretty sure that one of my first reactions would be "eeek - will staying with this woman mean that I'm at risk of having similar allegations made against me?" Men tend to be extremely hostile to the idea of women lying about that sort of thing. Can you blame them? If those are his feelings, then they're very valid and fair ones that you need to allow him to express fully. Don't interrupt him with reassurances of "I'd never do that to you." Let him speak. Allow him to work through, in his own time, exactly what his fears about staying involved with you might be. He's going to be questioning everything you ever told him now, and wondering if it's a lie. For that reason, you need to sit down beforehand and try to remember what major things you've told him. Which things were true, and which weren't? You need to be 100% honest with him about what lies you've told so that he can gain a better idea of who you really are. I think it would also be an idea to organise some professional help for identifying the causes, and developing strategies to manage, the intimacy fears that seem to be causing you to behave in this destructive manner. If your bf knows that you're ready to get help with this, he's more likely to be reassured that despite the lies you're still worth taking a risk on. I can only wish you luck. If he stays with you through this (and from what you've said, there seems to be a chance that he will) then thank your guardian angel that you've found an amazing man.
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