New guy at work taking my girlfriends attention

[Inlovenotinlove]

I'm meeting her tomorrow and im going to either end this or have a very serious chat.

 

Its really annoyed me that shes said tonight she wasnt sure who was hosting the movie so just got in the car with her mates, she didnt realise it was at his till they got there but she did know he was going as it was a work movie night.

 

Now these 'movie nights' to my knowledge are always girls only so why suddenly does this man get an invite when hes in his 40s, theyre all mid 20s. And why would they even want him to go?? Something about it all just seems so off. I know this could be my head getting the better of me but the fact she kept speaking about him to her family in front of me, and then when i mentioned how her constant talk of him affects me its really bothered me that she agreed to go tonight without even telling me. Thats the part thats got to me, the fact that shes gone knowing hed be there and never even told me beforehand, i only found out by calling her. Seems disrespectful at least.

[OnlyHonesty]

I'm not sure why anyone on this thread is saying he has nothing to worry about, or that he's imagining stuff. Ive seen this behavior all of the time at work, and have had women 'try' the same with me. It's obvious she is attracted to the guy, intrigued, and probably becoming even more interested.

 

 

Regardless of any of this, she should be having much better boundaries. But the grass always appears to be greener on the other side, and with you, it's probably stable, perhaps predictable, and she may know almost everything there is to know about you. With this other guy, he is more of a mystery.

[OnlyHonesty]

I'm meeting her tomorrow and im going to either end this or have a very serious chat.

 

Its really annoyed me that shes said tonight she wasnt sure who was hosting the movie so just got in the car with her mates, she didnt realise it was at his till they got there but she did know he was going as it was a work movie night.

 

Now these 'movie nights' to my knowledge are always girls only so why suddenly does this man get an invite when hes in his 40s, theyre all mid 20s. And why would they even want him to go?? Something about it all just seems so off. I know this could be my head getting the better of me but the fact she kept speaking about him to her family in front of me, and then when i mentioned how her constant talk of him affects me its really bothered me that she agreed to go tonight without even telling me. Thats the part thats got to me, the fact that shes gone knowing hed be there and never even told me beforehand, i only found out by calling her. Seems disrespectful at least.

 

 

This is the second time Ive seen someone mention the guys age. All I can tell you is this. I started to attract a lot more women in my 40's, than I ever did in my 20's, and some have been aged 19-24. If you are a 40 year old man but you workout, eat well, manage any stress, and have a good happy energy, your age becomes a bonus due to your confidence, and how you carry yourself.

 

 

This is different to a 40 year old that let himself go, doesn't workout, or eats junk, and has a beer belly.

[lovenoobi]

You’re in a very tough situation and it doesn’t look good either way.

 

Best case scenario if you have your serious talk is that she finds you sweet and adorable, competing for her attention and she’ll have you around her pinkie. She may stop attending these meetings initially but it sounds like this new guy is here to stay and these get-togethers happen regularly. Sooner/later she’ll start feeling left out with her co-workers and she’ll want to attend.

 

Worse case scenario with the talk is that she’ll find you insecure and say you don’t trust her and are being controlling.

 

I’m in agreement with what the other people have suggested but rather then asking her how she’ll feel if the reverse was happening, it’ll probably be more effective if you divert your attention less on her and towards other girls. Maybe a very casual remark about how nice and friendly a female waitress was, or how pretty a girl you randomly saw was.

[Highndry]

LOL @ all the women here saying you're overreacting, nothing's up. This is completely unacceptable, disrespectful behavior and she's got a crush on this guy. Sorry, man, it's a bummer.

[Inlovenotinlove]

It may all be true that other people where going and its nothing to worry about but, am i so wrong to of expected her to call me first just to say she was going and basically make sure im ok with it? When she knows we had a disagreement about it just 3 days ago is it so wrong to expect some courtesy?

[PegNosePete]

Its really annoyed me that shes said tonight she wasnt sure who was hosting the movie so just got in the car with her mates, she didnt realise it was at his till they got there but she did know he was going as it was a work movie night.

This is quite obviously a blatant lie. She knew exactly where she was going, what she was doing, who was going to be there. It was all organised ahead of time and she's lying to you because it justifies her actions - and because you can't prove otherwise. She has the motivation, opportunity and the ability to lie so why would she tell the truth and cause trouble at home, when a simple lie will make everything just go away, especially if she throws in a cuddle for good measure?

 

The trouble with lying is that it casts doubt on your other words and actions. Are you 100% sure the other girls were actually there? She said Sarah was staying over at hers that night, which could well be another lie... a cover story to make sure you don't pay her a surprise visit. Or maybe it's true. Her lies mean that you can't trust her words so no wonder it's causing confusion.

 

It may all be true that other people where going and its nothing to worry about but, am i so wrong to of expected her to call me first just to say she was going and basically make sure im ok with it? When she knows we had a disagreement about it just 3 days ago is it so wrong to expect some courtesy?

No you are absolutely not wrong. Even if nothing is going on, she's acting like a single person. If I were you I'd tell her that if she values your relationship she needs to start acting like someone who values their relationship, because at the moment she's acting like a teenager with a crush.

[Inlovenotinlove]

Well she's spoke to me and i said how i feel. She apologised and said she wasnt sure where the film was being held until she was in the car, she understands how i feel and said 'when you asked me who was going i answered every one at work' she also says she didnt want to argue so didnt just say he was going as it wasnt just about him it was about her friends being there that she cared about.

 

I see her side of it but i do also feel like shes purposley omitting bits of information aboit her evenings to save potential arguments rather than just being open. I just dont want a relationship where i have to dig it ask the right questions to get a proper answer. It feels more like a game of having to ask the right questions or her excuse will be 'i never lied you just didnt ask me the right question to give you that info'

Edited December 5, 2018 by Inlovenotinlove

[elaine567]

I'm meeting her tomorrow and im going to either end this or have a very serious chat.

 

Its really annoyed me that shes said tonight she wasnt sure who was hosting the movie so just got in the car with her mates, she didnt realise it was at his till they got there but she did know he was going as it was a work movie night.

 

Now these 'movie nights' to my knowledge are always girls only so why suddenly does this man get an invite when hes in his 40s, theyre all mid 20s. .

 

He could actually be gay, it is worth asking the question.

What film did they see?

[RideTheLightening]

Well she's spoke to me and i said how i feel. She apologised and said she wasnt sure where the film was being held until she was in the car, she understands how i feel and said 'when you asked me who was going i answered every one at work' she also says she didnt want to argue so didnt just say he was going as it wasnt just about him it was about her friends being there that she cared about.

I see her side of it but i do also feel like shes purposley omitting bits of information aboit her evenings to save potential arguments rather than just being open. I just dont want a relationship where i have to dig it ask the right questions to get a proper answer. It feels more like a game of having to ask the right questions or her excuse will be 'i never lied you just didnt ask me the right question to give you that info'

 

Look, she knew this guy was going from the start. If it's no longer a girls only event... why didn't she invite you? Why did that not even bother to cross her mind?

 

I really hate to say this, but your GF seems very low quality to me. I'm going to guess you are in the UK or Australia or somewhere that its generally hard for guys to get quality girlfriends. Listen, there are over 2 billion women on the planet and wasting time with ****ty UK women isn't worth it.

 

If you want to try and scavenge something good from this relationship... go for it. It's likely to just waste your time. However, if you want to go for higher quality... PM me and I can show you where its easier to find good women.

[Andy_K]

She obviously likes him, and is doing just enough to maintain plausible deniability. Maybe she doesn't plan to let things go any further with him, or maybe she does. Either way she's putting out 'what if' feelers and pushing boundaries that a girl who was 100% into you would not push.

 

There isn't really much you can do here. This situation is largely outside of your control. If she wants to escalate things with him, she will. All you'll achieve by putting down 'rules' and getting angry is pushing her in that direction. I would suggest you sit back, and see what happens. If it eventually turns out that she does cheat on you, your lesson from all this is to realise what signs of her general character there were that you could have picked up on before any of all this started. If you don't know how your girlfriend will behave around temptation before that temptation appears, you don't know her well enough.

[elaine567]

Look, she knew this guy was going from the start. If it's no longer a girls only event... why didn't she invite you? Why did that not even bother to cross her mind?

 

 

Its a work based event for work mates and colleagues, spouses and partners are not usually invited to work events.

He works there hence he gets to go.

[kendahke]

LOL @ all the women here saying you're overreacting, nothing's up.

 

Not true. I'm not saying that, so it's not "all" the women here... and others have said the same as me.

[PRW]

Observations:

 

1. The girl has not actually done anything other than talk to the guy at work, and then "talk him up" (brag about him) with her BF, and then maybe not give as much attention to her BF as he would like.

 

2. The BF's jealousy is definitively going to wipe out the relationship either as soon as he confronts her, or shortly thereafter.

 

3. The girl's excitement with her BF does seem to be a little low. Jealousy from the BF, and being confronted by him, will certainly kill it off the rest of the way. His behavor may very well be the original reason her excitement is low in the first place. It is a known psychological thing that women will often talk/brag about other guys like this to their BF as a subconscious way to tell them to wake up and get their act together,...and if they don't they may get replaced. Acting jealous and confronting the women constitutes a failure of the BF getting their act together and usually results in a breakup.

 

4. If she isn't all that excited about her BF, and if the guy at work is persue-able to her then she should dump the BF and go for it. She is completely in her right to do that. Women dump BFs and go out with new guys all the time.

[kendahke]

LOL @ all the women here saying you're overreacting, nothing's up.

 

anytime someone passes a coworker of the opposite sex off to their relationship partner as "a friend"--and not "a coworker"--and they've been gushing about them for 5 days prior before going radio silent and trying to demote their growing interest in spending time with this new person by calling him something innocuous like "a friend", there is a huge problem afoot.

 

OP, the fact that she did this after you two had a conversation about how her actions have been impacting you says a lot and none of it's good for your relationship.

[kendahke]

He could actually be gay, it is worth asking the question.

 

I'd think that this would have been one of the first things out of her mouth to OP if this was the case --- it would have been for me -- if for no other reason than to put any issues of potential infidelity/inappropriate behavior out of his mind.

[kendahke]

It feels more like a game of having to ask the right questions or her excuse will be 'i never lied you just didnt ask me the right question to give you that info'

 

You're right--it is a game. If she ever comes at you with a response like this, you need to turn around and walk out of her life. You cannot live with and trust a person who esteems you this slenderly.

[PRW]

there might cracks already in the relationship that you didn't really notice until this new guy turned up.

 

That is exactly what I think is going on. This new guy situation is just a new way available to her to warn the BF to get his act together. It seems strange to communicate this way rather than direct, but it is the way the human psychology works. That is why I keep saying that confronting her is not going to fix things, it will just end things. To fix things the BF needs to roll farther back in time and figure out the root cause of why her interest in him may be diminishing.

[lurker74]

Trust is a necessary foundation for love. I don't know if you love her or if it's a more casual thing for you but trust is a binary thing. You either have it or you don't. And right now, you don't. It really doesn't matter if she pursues this guy...it really doesn't matter if it's "only an emotional thing." Both are bad, yes, but they are not what you need to think about. Right now, it's about trust and how the two of you rebuild it. There is a reason that your instincts are on fire - either they are right or you are paranoid. Either way, you have some work to do (both of you) if you want to keep the relationship.

 

By the way, your instincts are not wrong. She hasn't done anything wrong and so she gets to feel justified in her indignation. But the path that she is on - keeping secrets about when she spends time around him - only ever ends in one place.

[Mrs._December]

She apologised and said she wasnt sure where the film was being held until she was in the car, she understands how i feel and said 'when you asked me who was going i answered every one at work' she also says she didnt want to argue so didnt just say he was going as it wasnt just about him it was about her friends being there that she cared about.

She's not even a good liar.

 

Would she actually have you believe that everyone kept quiet about WHOSE apartment they were going to until they all got in the car and then suddenly it was announced?

 

She's such a liar.

[PegNosePete]

She apologised and said she wasnt sure where the film was being held until she was in the car

So she is still lying to you. And why would she tell the truth now? That would just land her in more trouble. So she maintains the lie, and she will keep up until she is blue in the face. There is nothing you can do to get her to admit the truth. NOTHING.

 

said 'when you asked me who was going i answered every one at work' she also says she didnt want to argue so didnt just say he was going

Right. So she's playing the "technicality" card here. Technically yes she said everyone at work and that included him but she knew exactly what you were talking about. And if she knew it would cause an argument then she was deliberately trying to mislead you by omission. She didn't want to argue so she lied.

 

I just dont want a relationship where i have to dig it ask the right questions to get a proper answer. It feels more like a game of having to ask the right questions or her excuse will be 'i never lied you just didnt ask me the right question to give you that info'

Yes exactly. Which is why I suggested above that you sit her down and tell her that if she wants to carry on being in this relationship then she needs to start acting like someone who wants to be in a relationship rather than a naughty teenager trying to get away with bending the rules as much as possible.

[Travel87]

Im not saying OP gf is right in what shes done but nobody is hearing her side. When OP asked whos going to this event she straight away said 'everyone at work'. So why suddenly is everynody accusing her of keeping secrets?

 

To me personally id of been more concerned if she answered that question with 'well 1 person i know whos going is "insert guys name". That to me is more shady. Or she could of just chose to not tell OP whatsoever, when he asked where its at why would she keep it a secret then suddenly in the car say it's at his house? If she was lying about it all, why has she told the truth?.

 

Plus, if she was cheating my personal opinion would be she'd of hidden the entire thing and just said shes going tl a friends to watch a movie. To me it sounds more like she didnt tell OP because 1. Didnt see the problem as everyone from work was going and 2. Because she didnt want to be made to feel guilty for going which leads me to believe OP has reacted badly to her honesty before so now shes more closed off. Id personally trust her as when you asked about the new guy she answered you honestly, if sbe was up to no good i dont think shed of told you at all.

Edited December 5, 2018 by Travel87

[Highndry]

She obviously likes him, and is doing just enough to maintain plausible deniability. Maybe she doesn't plan to let things go any further with him, or maybe she does. Either way she's putting out 'what if' feelers and pushing boundaries that a girl who was 100% into you would not push.

 

There isn't really much you can do here. This situation is largely outside of your control. If she wants to escalate things with him, she will. All you'll achieve by putting down 'rules' and getting angry is pushing her in that direction. I would suggest you sit back, and see what happens. If it eventually turns out that she does cheat on you, your lesson from all this is to realise what signs of her general character there were that you could have picked up on before any of all this started. If you don't know how your girlfriend will behave around temptation before that temptation appears, you don't know her well enough.

 

 

^^This. The only thing I would add is to start putting some distance between you two and start looking at the menu of available women in your social circle.

[Highndry]

So she is still lying to you. And why would she tell the truth now? That would just land her in more trouble. So she maintains the lie, and she will keep up until she is blue in the face. There is nothing you can do to get her to admit the truth. NOTHING.

 

 

Exactly. And when they break up and she ends up in Finlandia's arms, she'll say "we didn't get together until AFTER we broke up," though she laid all the groundwork while supposedly in a relationship. She's a low quality woman and human being.

[Travel87]

I still think if the girls planning you in her future you could be exaggerating the whole thing. Id worry more if she stopped wanting to see you or suddenly didnt want to see you at xmas or some other plans you had together.

 

Im not saying youre wrong but id be very wary of accusing her as if she did go and it was all her work team, you'll look very insecure arguing with her especially when she DID answer you with honesty 'the entire work team is going' she didnt omit anything. Id probably say to her that you need honesty and not to keep details back and YOU then need to prove that she can come to you and youll trust her, not make her feel guilty or she will continue to hide things.

 

If she stops sleeping with you and stops meeting you as often, id worry. Until then id trust its a friend and trust that worrying will solve nothing. If its going to happen, it will. Your best bet is ignore it until you have a solid reason to bring it up or youll push her towards him.