New guy at work taking my girlfriends attention

[Inlovenotinlove]

I'm not sure if im being paranoid or have something serious toworry about here but ill keep it short.

 

My gf works in a small team in her job they're all females bar 1 and are all close friends. Anyway just last week a new guy got a job hes 40ish my partner is 28. Anyway the only reason im wprrying is shes mentioned him A LOT lately. His first proper day was one on one with her as he was shadowing her, she came home and i was there to meet her as usual, straight away she tells me (& ill put the exact words used over the course of our 10 minute chat about him), 'this new guy started today, hes from finland but his english is amazing, hes such a nice guy, i think hes moved over with his wife'

 

Fast forward 2 days and we are sat with her parents, she randomly says 'all you need is comfy shoes or a comfy bed that makes a happy life'. Her mum asked where shed heard that, and my gf replied 'from this guy at work, did i tell you we had a new guy from Finland? I cant wait to work with him more as he'll teach me loads as hes got more experience so itll be amazing for my career to learn off him'.

 

So i again sat quietly and thought maybe she is just excited about her career prospects and not him.

 

Fast forward to the following day we are all going for a family meal, in the car there she mentioned him again so i ask about him as it was eating away at me, she replies 'yeah hes really nice, i thougbt he was coming Over with his wife but turns out they're divorced thats why hes moved'. So i stupidly replied 'result for you then'. She immediatley went mad at me and said 'you dont have to be jelous you have no competition from anyone', i asked if he was good looking and she replied 'not to me no'.

 

Now i feel stupid asking as its shown a jelous side that isnt attractive but my god hearing her talkinh about him these past 3-4 days hasnt been easy. Anyway... today theyve added each other on Facebook and he is her type. Looks athletic, simialr style to what she always says she likes. etc.

 

 

My worries are how and why would she ask about his divorce after 3 days of knowing him? Have i got something to worry about here?. Im now in a tricky situation where j cant ask about him in a jelous way or ill lose, and i cant sit and pretend i want to hear about him. I just don't get how in 1 day of shadowing her hes mentioned his divorce, seems very personal topic.

 

Ive got a horrible image of her and her friends talking about him being married, digging deeper over the past few days and now theyre excited hes divorced as i dont understand why else it would be mentioned.

 

Oh and to add onto this maybe it's coincidence but today she went to the gym for the 1st time since ive known her as she now wants to get fit.

Edited December 3, 2018 by Inlovenotinlove

[d0nnivain]

There's nothing tricky about this. Your jealousy is making you see things when nothing is there. A new person now works with your GF. She is getting to know him; he's interesting because he's new & thus different. He shared some person info about his divorce as part of the get to know new work colleagues process; you have no info about how many people were present when he divulged this. Your GF shares some about him with you & you overreact.

 

Try to be calm & more secure, especially since she assured you he's no competition for you.

[Inlovenotinlove]

There's nothing tricky about this. Your jealousy is making you see things when nothing is there. A new person now works with your GF. She is getting to know him; he's interesting because he's new & thus different. He shared some person info about his divorce as part of the get to know new work colleagues process; you have no info about how many people were present when he divulged this. Your GF shares some about him with you & you overreact.

 

Try to be calm & more secure, especially since she assured you he's no competition for you.

 

Thank you for the reply. I did think i might be overreacting. I also kept telling myself if my worst fear is true then theres nothing i can do about it and worrying is only going to push her to him more. But, it isnt easy keeping my mouth shut when she speaks about him so enthusiastically. It was more how she brings him up even when people arent asking. How somebody mentioned new beds and she instantly says how this guy at work said something funny. I know my best option is to keep doing my things and remind her how great i am, and not worry until i see some solid evidence of anything bad but i did get jelous when she kept telling everyone about him.

 

Also the fact it was the first time id met her brother and brothers girlfriend as they live abroad but came over for an early xmas get together, anyway she mentioned this guy at work 3 or 4 times to them and spoke so enthusiastically about him yet she never once told them what i did for a living or the things im into it was always 'this guy at work said'.

[d0nnivain]

that makes her impolite but not a cheater.

 

Again you have been the BF for a while; he's shiny & new.

 

Quietly & a bit sheepishly admit to feelings jealous & ask her to speak about him less.

[Inlovenotinlove]

that makes her impolite but not a cheater.

 

Again you have been the BF for a while; he's shiny & new.

 

Quietly & a bit sheepishly admit to feelings jealous & ask her to speak about him less.

 

I'll use this forum to document it in this post over the coming weeks and see if anything else arises. Hopefully its nothing and i understand that even if she does like him she shouldn't cheat as everyone likes more than 1 person on the planet but jt doesnt mean much. Ill play it cool for now and hopefully its nothing.

[smackie9]

So she has a new work buddy that is different from anyone that she has ever met...that's why she a little excited about it. There is no romantic feelings there, you just don't like the attention she giving him or how he has taken up some of her head space. Let her talk about him because it's when she stops is when you should start to worry. People shut up because they are doing something they shouldn't be doin.

 

 

What you should be doin is getting in there asking to meet the guy and see what happens. Once the guy meets you, he's gonna see that you exist and don't get too cozy with yer GF.

[preraph]

Most 28 year old women aren't the least bit interested in 40 year old men anyway. She wouldn't be telling you all about him if she had anything to hide. You are too insecure. People at work working closely will get to know each other and talk about their work mates.

[olivetree]

maybe it's coincidence but today she went to the gym for the 1st time since ive known her as she now wants to get fit.

 

How long have you known her?

[doyathinkso]

If your gut is screaming at you, please please listen to it.

 

Is there any way you could go in to her work to pick her up and take her to lunch? You know, kind of mark your territory.

 

She knows all kinds of stuff about him already. What are the odds she's told him about you?

[RideTheLightening]

I'm not sure if im being paranoid or have something serious to worry about here but ill keep it short.

 

You are not being paranoid. If she is talking about this guy in any way... even negatively it means she is thinking about him. The more she thinks about this guy the more likely she is attracted to him. Also, keep in mind that women are most likely to find affair partners at work.

 

The fact that she got all pissy with you about your concerns is another bad sign. It shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings.

 

I don't think it helps you to act jealous. A better approach would be to meet the guy. I'm going to be honest... most women in western countries cheat. There isn't much you can do to stop them, so just start getting mentally prepared to give her the boot. Also, you should occasionally monitor all of her text and email communications if possible.

[Wallysbears]

You are not being paranoid. If she is talking about this guy in any way... even negatively it means she is thinking about him. The more she thinks about this guy the more likely she is attracted to him. Also, keep in mind that women are most likely to find affair partners at work.

 

The fact that she got all pissy with you about your concerns is another bad sign. It shows a lack of respect for you and your feelings.

 

I don't think it helps you to act jealous. A better approach would be to meet the guy. I'm going to be honest... most women in western countries cheat. There isn't much you can do to stop them, so just start getting mentally prepared to give her the boot. Also, you should occasionally monitor all of her text and email communications if possible.

 

don't do this.

 

You'll look completely insecure and jealous if you start snooping around her phone/emails/texts.

 

And don't go suddenly trying to mark your territory either. That's a pretty pathetic and predictable move.

 

What you can do? When she mentions him give her the "uh huh" and ignore it.

 

"Johnny come lately at work said...blahblah"

 

"Oh, that's nice....hey, did you want to go to the movies and see XYZ or see ABC"

 

"Johnny come lately at work said....blahblah"

 

"Did he. interesting. Are we going to ABC or XYZ restaurant for dinner on Wednesday. I heard the steak at ABC is excellent"

 

"Johnny come lately at work said...blahblah"

 

"uh huh. Do you want to catch up on the dvr of 123 show and cuddle some tonight?"

 

 

He's a non-topic. Whenever he comes up, shift the focus to something else entirely. Preferably something nice.

[RideTheLightening]

don't do this.

You'll look completely insecure and jealous if you start snooping around her phone/emails/texts.

And don't go suddenly trying to mark your territory either. That's a pretty pathetic and predictable move.

What you can do? When she mentions him give her the "uh huh" and ignore it.

"Johnny come lately at work said...blahblah"

"Oh, that's nice....hey, did you want to go to the movies and see XYZ or see ABC"

"Johnny come lately at work said....blahblah"

"Did he. interesting. Are we going to ABC or XYZ restaurant for dinner on Wednesday. I heard the steak at ABC is excellent"

"Johnny come lately at work said...blahblah"

"uh huh. Do you want to catch up on the dvr of 123 show and cuddle some tonight?

He's a non-topic. Whenever he comes up, shift the focus to something else entirely. Preferably something nice.

 

So your advice is to redirect conversations?

 

The problem is that his GF has poor boundaries with a guy at work. Right now she is being completely honest about it, because she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. She needs to be told to set better boundaries and be held accountable to them.

 

If we are honest, women in english speaking countries cheat more frequently than men do today. This is partly because the men in these countries are consistently being told to be overly permissive and weak, which is unattractive.

 

I have a good friend who followed the advice you give here of redirecting and trying to remind her that he is a great positive energy guy. She of course had an affair with the guy at work and then after much drama came back to her redirecting and positive energy BF. Happily ever after... right?

[Wallysbears]

So your advice is to redirect conversations?

 

The problem is that his GF has poor boundaries with a guy at work. Right now she is being completely honest about it, because she thinks there is nothing wrong with what she is doing. She needs to be told to set better boundaries and be held accountable to them.

 

If we are honest, women in english speaking countries cheat more frequently than men do today. This is partly because the men in these countries are consistently being told to be overly permissive and weak, which is unattractive.

 

I have a good friend who followed the advice you give here of redirecting and trying to remind her that he is a great positive energy guy. She of course had an affair with the guy at work and then after much drama came back to her redirecting and positive energy BF. Happily ever after... right?

 

There are absolutely ZERO actual statistics that support this assertion.

 

 

I think spying is a lot more weak than ignoring mention of some 40 year old divorced dude...but to each their own.

[kendahke]

If you have to grind it down to spying, then you don't have a relationship. You have a desperationship and no one sticks around for that mess.

[Inlovenotinlove]

It gets worse..... he started working at her place 5 days ago. Anyways ive just rung her to ask about her day and she went into another room to speak to me, this is our conversation:

 

Her: we are having a little movie night and getting the work girls together for it just as a little get together before xmas

(Baring in mind shes also going away for the weekend with her mates and seems to spend almost everyday with them now).

 

Me: oh thatll be nice babe you staying over?

 

Her: no, sarah will stay at mine after but the film's not at mine its at a friends

 

Me: oh right, whos?

 

Her: the new man at work, thought it would be nice to introduce him to everyone

 

Me: that'll be nice, well have a good time.

 

Call over!!

 

Now i feel physically sick, isnt that just a bit much to go to this guys house for a movie night???? It seems like all the girls fancy thjs guy because they're all 25-29 in ages and as i said before he isnt a bad looking man. Theyve never done movie nights where I'm involved it's always been girls only.

[Purepony]

The guys above are right ... somethings up. It seems like she’s pulling away based on what you’ve been posting. Most people will tell you it’s in your head and make you feel bad about it but the reality is most women in the USA will cheat and act innocent about it too “ what I didn’t know I’d fall in love”

 

I would slow start distancing myself because the more you push for it to work the more she will pull away

[Inlovenotinlove]

The guys above are right ... somethings up. It seems like she’s pulling away based on what you’ve been posting. Most people will tell you it’s in your head and make you feel bad about it but the reality is most women in the USA will cheat and act innocent about it too “ what I didn’t know I’d fall in love”

 

I would slow start distancing myself because the more you push for it to work the more she will pull away

 

 

It is messing my head up so much. I text her saying have a good night with everyone and the new guy, she replied 'thank you if you like we can meet tomorrow and snuggle?'

 

1 side of my head is saying shes testing how ill react, the other is saying can i really be in a relationship where she'll plan to go to a guys house who she knows we argued about just 3 nights ago, and go without even telling me??? Its not so much that shes gone its that shes planned it all and gone without me even knowing, i only found out because i rang her to see if she fancied meeting and then she told me, so id of not even known. But then she says lets snuggle tomorrow. My heads an absolute mess.

[bathtub-row]

I think you’re right to be suspicious because she talks about him too much. However, showing that you’re jealous rarely works out. Just sit back and see if the talk about him dies down.

[doyathinkso]

Is it REALLY all the girls?

 

Or, is it just her and him and "Netflix and chill"?

 

By the way, google 'netflix and chill'.

[Purepony]

You should reply with” I’ll let you know because I already have plans”

Then she’ll freak out and start asking for answers if she cares if she doesn’t she’ll just be like okay ...

 

Don’t let it mess with your head what will be will be

[kendahke]

he started working at her place 5 days ago.

 

Her: no, sarah will stay at mine after but the film's not at mine its at a friends

 

Me: oh right, whos?

 

Her: the new man at work, thought it would be nice to introduce him to everyone

 

She's up to no good. You need to create a whole lot of unmistakable distance since she's engaging in deceitful behavior.

 

If what she is saying is upsetting you this much, knock it off with all the game playing and point blank ask her how she would feel if a new chick from Sweden started working at your firm 5 days ago and already, you're trying to hang out with her at her place while trying to play your girlfriend off by calling this chick "your friend"--your friend got a name?

 

My god, she's so transparent it isn't even funny.

[kendahke]

But then she says lets snuggle tomorrow.

 

Don't snuggle with her if she goes to this little soiree.

 

She needs to feel a little more chill from you--her sniffing in behind the new guy--sure he's new, but if the tables were turned, she's be screaming up a blue streak about you hiding the fact that the person you're doing a "movie night" with is in fact this chick she's been melting down with insecurity over. You know that she would be incandescent if you were doing this to her--why reward her with cuddles and snuggles? Be smarter than that--stop getting played.

[snowboy91]

Up until you mentioned the movie night, I didn't think she was doing anything wrong. There is a new person at work and she finds him interesting - and he happens to be a guy. So what?

 

But now there's something about the movie night situation that seems really off. Normally if someone is wanting to cheat they would try and cover all their tracks (for instance, not even bring up the fact there's a new guy at work, and lie about where the movie night is happening). On the other hand, if this guy is supposedly so great (in a platonic sense), she would have no problem with you meeting him. I definitely think it's worth talking about how you're feeling - I like Kendahke's example of explaining what would happen if the roles were reversed.

[PRW]

Wallysbears is giving great advice. But I suspect you are going to do what you are going to do. You will end up causing her to dump you when things would have otherwise been perfectly fine. What you fear you will inevitably cause to happen.

 

What you should be concerned about is that she is not talking to the guy about you. This means you are not impressing her right now. She is not excited about you enough to brag to him about you.

 

She is not going to run off with a guy in his 40's, but your fear of it is going to show through in all your interaction with her and she will be subconsciously turned off by it,...she may not even know why. She will start saying things like "I'm confused", "I don't know what I want", "I just need a little space",...with the grand finally of "I just want to be friends". Yet, she will not do anything with the guy you are worried about,...but she may head off with another guy that she, for the moment, has not even met yet.

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't know, OP. I think you're not wrong to be concerned that something is up with her.

 

At first, I would have just chalked it up to being a little infatuated with the new guy. However, a move night at his house is rather cozy. It's an odd way to get to know the new coworkers. I realize she's telling you that others are there, and that might be true, but she is skating a fine line here and she knows it. Hence the offer to snuggle tomorrow. She knows what she's doing right now is not going to sit well with you and she's trying to make it go away with a cuddle.

 

Asking how she would feel if the tables were turned is likely not going to get you much further than a flimsy justification from her, along the lines of "I would be fine with it because I trust you!" If she wants to rationalize this to you and to herself, she is probably going to claim she'd be okay with you doing the same with a few female friend.

 

I would simply be honest that this is making you uncomfortable. You don't need to pretend to be okay with this if you're not. If she's been spending more and more time with friends and less with you, there might cracks already in the relationship that you didn't really notice until this new guy turned up.