dietary incompatibility

[Happy Lemming]

 

Oh and this vegan roasted and basted a beautiful young hen turkey for Thanksgiving along with stuffing that had bacon, sausage and butter mixed in because the people I love eat that way. They all told me it was delicious too.

 

 

I like that you did this!!

 

If I was dating a "vegan" woman, I would enjoy the challenge of cooking a vegan meal.

 

My present girlfriend is diabetic, but loves desserts; so I've taken it as a challenge to make sugar-free desserts. Some have turned out great, some have flopped, but she appreciates my efforts.

[fieldoflavender]

And maybe I'm being responsible for actually trying to understand how vegans think. I read his blog which is another aspect of why I don't think he is being honest with me. He downplayed it with me but he has strong views about the topic. I feel it's an ethical decision, not just a dietary preference. If we aren't in line with it, then maybe we are just different people all together.

 

At this stage of my life, for me to sacrifice large amounts of money potentially if there is a divorce if there is a huge income difference and huge difference in net assets, the person has to be pretty special otherwise and if they already have a major dietary issue that I have to overcome, then I might as well just date for fun or find someone else more compatible.

 

ANYWAYS, I don't know - I might go ahead with the meeting just to give it the chance but unless there's huge surprises, I really don't know.

 

For this guy, it's not just the diet, it's the fact he spent years and years traveling and not building income. And his political views I also don't agree with. So I don't know if I can deal with all of this. Plus culturally different. We shall see.

Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed off topic material

[lurker74]

I am a vegetarian, I don't mind people eating meat, but not all kind of animals.

 

I mean my favorite animals are a big no, meaning I won't sit with you while you eat Ducks, Dears or baby lamb (veals). I could care less if you eat some other animals because it is your choice and this is what you do.

 

Yeah. I don't like many Vegans either, they are too extreme for me & many of them did it for health reasons not for the animals.

<snip>

 

I was going to respond to OP that it probably won't be an issue, but after reading this, yeah, it could be, if OP's date is like this. Way too many rules involved in what I'm allowed to eat. And if it matters, I buy farm eggs, don't eat chicken for factory reasons, won't order foie gras, and care about where my meat comes from. But I don't think it would work if I accidentally offended someone because I ordered Peking duck.

Edited December 5, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[smackie9]

I have a friend that is the only vegan in the group.....it's the biggest pain in the ass when we have a girls weekend or hang out. We can't just go out and eat anywhere, we can only go to vegan friendly places. She can't participate in the meals that we put together, or enjoy the appetizers.

 

 

 

I'm a big meat eater and I like my dates at a steakhouse or sushi bar and most of my meals are cooked on a greasy bbq grill, with a beer in hand... To be dating someone who doesn't eat meat? dealbreaker.

 

 

 

IMO food is part of your love language. Sharing meals together even as a family brings people together and forms bonds. Being vegan is a lifestyle not just a food preference.

[amaysngrace]

You can get a California roll at a sushi bar and a salad and fries at a steakhouse and they’ll always grill veggies drizzled in olive oil with spice if you ask.

 

Just sayin.

 

I’m finding it interesting how intolerant some people are towards vegans. Maybe it’s a mad cow thing.

[diddilybop]

You can get a California roll at a sushi bar and a salad and fries at a steakhouse and they’ll always grill veggies drizzled in olive oil with spice if you ask.

 

Just sayin.

 

I’m finding it interesting how intolerant some people are towards vegans. Maybe it’s a mad cow thing.

 

haha, you're awesome amaysngrace. i once made a vegan burrito bowl for my boyfriend who loves meat and dairy and he couldn't tell the difference at all. he really enjoyed it too. it's been a repeat recipe in our home too

[smackie9]

You can get a California roll at a sushi bar and a salad and fries at a steakhouse and they’ll always grill veggies drizzled in olive oil with spice if you ask.

 

Just sayin.

 

I’m finding it interesting how intolerant some people are towards vegans. Maybe it’s a mad cow thing.

Nope. California rolls have crab in them. Vegans don't eat anything off a grill at a steakhouse because meat is cooked on it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not going to get into the habit of cooking two different meals....I like my man to chow down on bacon and eggs Sunday mornings with me....all covered in melted cheese...mmmmmm.

[Gaeta]

I came across a couple of vegetarian or vegan when I was dating and I always moved along. I don't want to hear someone always complaining about how he can't find food to eat where we go out, don't want to hear about how my habits are killing the planet, and don't want to have to cook 2 dinners. It also goes against my belief, humans need protein coming from meat. We've been eating meat for 2.6 million years. Without animal proteins we would not have evolved into the strong and smart humans we are today. When a man tells me he's a vegetarian he losses all of his masculinity in my eyes. Sorry! OP there is no shame in admitting it's a turn off to you.

[amaysngrace]

We've been eating meat for 2.6 million years. Without animal proteins we would not have evolved into the strong and smart humans we are today.

 

Eating foods that cause heart disease and cancer?

 

Anyway, the theory of evolution is based on natural selection and the ability to adapt to change. One survives by knowing how to survive. That’s how they get to be the fittest, not by doing something just because people have been doing it for years and years.

 

That’s the complete opposite of evolution.

[eleanorrigby]

My daughter became a vegan at 17 and I've found the entire experience to be a pain in the a$$. I like to cook, but I'm fairly mediocre at it, I simply don't have the skills to make something vegan taste decent, and now that I've tasted it a few times I wouldn't pick this diet for myself. I loathe all the substitutes for dairy and cream and mayo and the meat subs are even worse.

 

Dinner times were a huge fight from the time she became vegan until she moved out. I hated having to set things aside for her, or try to make a small vegan version of whatever we had for dinner. All the extra dishes. It was such a colossal PITA that if I were dating, I don't think I'd date a vegan unless I had confirmation that his diet and meals were completely and utterly his babies to rock.

 

And even if we had that understood, I'd still not enjoy having separate meals, each of us cooking something different. Bumping into each other in the kitchen.

Heck even going to restaurants would be annoying, I can't find anything I want to eat at a vegan place and he wouldn't be able to find anything where I wanted to eat.

 

Nope. My experience has informed me that I don't have anywhere near the patience needed to live with someone with huge dietary restrictions.

 

 

Granted my culinary crash came with a testy 17-year-old girl. It would probably be much different with an adult, but blah... I think for me it's a deal breaker unless I was willing to convert. I even tried to talk my daughter into being a vegetarian instead. If I can put cheese, eggs, and dairy in my food, I can still cook and know what I'm doing. Take those things out and I'm hopeless.

[eleanorrigby]

 

I’m finding it interesting how intolerant some people are towards vegans. Maybe it’s a mad cow thing.

 

Yes, my daughter thinks I hate on vegans. I don't. I was a vegetarian for a year in my 20's (sounds like "some of my best friends are black" I know... lol)

 

My main thing is her diet suddenly became my problem to deal with and that I didn't like.

 

I felt like I was expected to learn and gain skills in something I had no interest in.

And I'm just not a good enough cook! I can't tell you how many times she scraped something vegan into the garbage insulted and annoyed thinking I had made it taste terrible on purpose. I finally put my foot down and said I was done with trying to make anything vegan.

 

It was a mess.

[preraph]

I bet he'll gradually try to ruin meat for you. But if he doesn't, then great. It just make everything to do with food a chore when two people aren't anywhere close to the same page. I couldn't even date a person who liked to eat fast food a lot. I did it once. Cumbersome.

 

A friend of mine is dating a guy who doesn't eat meat, but the rest of his diet is total crap, like tons and tons of sugar like candy made of pure sugar. So what he does to control her is show up unannounced instead of making plans and bringing a bag of bean burritos. She went along with it and may still be, and her health got really bad too. He doesn't eat good healthy veggie dishes, just cheap crappy ones and lots of sugar. So he just derails whatever her plans are by beating her to the punch every time. Over and over, SURPRISE, I brought bean burritos! How fun and generous am I? ugh.

 

Most people wouldn't be like that though. A friend of mine has all manner of picky eaters in her family. I mean, it's four times the work. But she always makes healthy stuff, or at least she did. Not sure now that she's working full-time.

[fieldoflavender]

you remind me of a couple of the guys i matched with on tinder when i was single. they had asked me if i wanted to go out for a drink and when i had mentioned that i stopped drinking alcohol a few years ago due to health issues, one of them gave me radio silence and the other said, "i'm sorry, i have to be with someone who drinks alcohol. it's gonna be a dealbreaker for me." i thought it was incredibly narrow-minded. i moved on and met someone else who didn't care that i didn't drink. he's actually my partner of three years and he embraces me for who i am.

 

OP, i'm going to be 100% honest here...if you're going to get this tripped up about his dietary choices, tell him that even though he doesn't care about your diet, his veganism is a dealbreaker for you and move on. you clearly don't like him enough to give him a chance for a first date, so, don't waste his energy. someone else will give him the chance he deserves.

 

i've also seen some of your other threads, and notice a pattern of your dating behaviors. i think it'd be helpful if you did some self-reflection and healing. good luck.

 

Fine, per moderator I will directly quote this line so it is "on topic". I don't get this personal judgement and I don't understand why drinking alcohol is an issue, just like how eating meat can be an issue for other people. It's about all the other things other people have mentioned, but they've managed to do so without judgement. It's about being able to interact in a social setting and eating is huge on a social setting. So instead of judging me personally, maybe think about that.

[fieldoflavender]

I think it's incredibly unreasonable for children who are underaged I.e. can't cook their own food, to make parents do it without a strong reason. When they are 18, or when they can cook for themselves, they can do that.

 

My high school friend did the vegetarian thing for a few months and it was a huge burden for her mom to cook 2 separate meals after work and she's tired.

 

Like you should own up to your own life choices. You're not even independent - if you're living in someone else's household, then you should follow the rules there. If I have kids, I wouldn't be okay with it.

 

At least with dating, someone is hopefully making their own food. Yeah the separate meal thing isn't great. And from an idealogical view, I don't think I even agree with that lifestyle and the rationale behind it. Again, the other aspects have to be strong enough.

[fieldoflavender]

I came across a couple of vegetarian or vegan when I was dating and I always moved along. I don't want to hear someone always complaining about how he can't find food to eat where we go out, don't want to hear about how my habits are killing the planet, and don't want to have to cook 2 dinners. It also goes against my belief, humans need protein coming from meat. We've been eating meat for 2.6 million years. Without animal proteins we would not have evolved into the strong and smart humans we are today. When a man tells me he's a vegetarian he losses all of his masculinity in my eyes. Sorry! OP there is no shame in admitting it's a turn off to you.

 

Yes you've hit it - the masculinity is being killed for me too. And then I saw some pictures of yoga and all that. There is just something manly about a man eating steak. And I think he doesn't drink either, which sucks too.

[preraph]

You know, I understand the drinker/nondrinker thing, but maybe not for the same reasons the drinker ruled out the nondrinker. It's no fun being around a drinker or a toker if you are not also doing that. It gets really old really fast. Plus when you're young especially, you just want someone who likes to go out and do what you do. I can see ruling them out. It's always the non- person, the one who doesn't do something, who nags the one who does eventually. And it's just no fun. I do think it's important to kind of be on the same page.

 

Like I've run across a couple of real healthy types who maybe only eat skinless chicken and never fried, and I just don't think they're going to be okay with me going to KFC and coming back with a bucket of original chicken and me eating all the crispy delicious skin off for them! Which seems like a very sympatico relationship at first, but no. I only got away with it once, and it's because he was a hired hand the insurance company sent who was here into the night patiently mosaic-ing tiles back together, so I figured he was hungry, and I went to the corner and got KFC. Now, this guy was built like Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise. Extreme hard body. I still figured he'd eat KFC, because he's a man. So he looked regretful and said he had to take the skin off and normally wouldn't eat fried either. So I munched out on the skin. Yummy. Then he went back into my bathroom and bent over again and got back to work.

[amaysngrace]

Yes, my daughter thinks I hate on vegans. I don't. I was a vegetarian for a year in my 20's (sounds like "some of my best friends are black" I know... lol)

 

My main thing is her diet suddenly became my problem to deal with and that I didn't like.

 

I felt like I was expected to learn and gain skills in something I had no interest in.

And I'm just not a good enough cook! I can't tell you how many times she scraped something vegan into the garbage insulted and annoyed thinking I had made it taste terrible on purpose. I finally put my foot down and said I was done with trying to make anything vegan.

 

It was a mess.

 

You don’t have to be a good cook. That’s what the internet is for! There are so many tasty things to eat as a vegan! Last night I made a creamy red roasted pepper tomato soup that took as long to make as it took to cut and roast the red bell peppers. It was packed with vitamins and completely fat free but you would never know it.

 

There’s also an app called “happy cow” that tells you places that have vegan options no matter where you travel to. When we were visiting my son down in Baltimore we found a great spot where they all could eat bacon and I could eat brunch from the menu too. Everybody seemed real happy with their meals and I know I was.

 

I honestly don’t get why people think it’s a major inconvenience. I cook for non-vegans all the time and it’s gotten to the point where I can substitute organic earth balance for butter and not a single person notices, even if that, salt and pepper are the only things on their veggies.

 

And how much more effort is it really to season up some chicken breasts and throw them in the oven to feed them their meat?

 

I think the hardest part would be identifying vegan products to cook with but even that is pretty easy. Just look for the V, avoid products that contain sugar unless it’s cane, avoid honey, anything that contains milk or eggs or whey and of course anything made with any animal in the ingredient list. And gelatin. We don’t do that either.

 

The one thing it does do is make you read labels. If there’s too many ingredients in any one item I don’t care if it’s vegan or not, I’m not going to want to eat that.

 

But it’s really not as big a deal as some people make it out to be. Last year we did thanksgiving at my future daughter-in-laws and I made a vegan pumpkin roll for dessert and wouldn’t you know the mom and the aunt wanted us to leave it there because they liked it so much?

 

That’s what the pumpkin pie I made was for.

 

Then there was this time we stopped into Whole Foods to get cupcakes before visiting my own aunt and we were cutting the cupcakes so we could all have a little taste and she liked the vegan carrot cake so much that the next one she wanted to split was another vegan carrot cake and I only bought two.

 

The rest were not vegan.

[diddilybop]

You know, I understand the drinker/nondrinker thing, but maybe not for the same reasons the drinker ruled out the nondrinker. It's no fun being around a drinker or a toker if you are not also doing that. It gets really old really fast. Plus when you're young especially, you just want someone who likes to go out and do what you do. I can see ruling them out. It's always the non- person, the one who doesn't do something, who nags the one who does eventually. And it's just no fun. I do think it's important to kind of be on the same page.

 

i can see that dealing with a "non" person can be a not so fun experience for some because you have to avoid certain things just to make that person happy but it's not always a terrible/annoying time. and it's not always true that "non" people are nags. i had to quit drinking years ago because it was seriously messing with my nervous system. even though i don't drink, i don't nag my friends or partner for drinking. i let them be who they are, and we still have a great time together when we're out. i think it just depends on all the people involved. if people are open-minded, it goes more smoothly.

 

that said, i agree, being on the same page is very important because you'll want to freely be yourself and enjoy your time with this person, and if it's a very serious relationship, that'll matter even moreso.

Edited December 6, 2018 by diddilybop

[fieldoflavender]

Yeah but the point is there is nothing inherently wrong or mean about someone who doesn't like that in a partner - someone not drinking. IF they're someone who drinks a lot in a social setting and they don't even know you, then why do they have to accommodate if it's early on? It's one thing if you've been dating for a long time, and someone changes due to actual health reasons, and someone dumps them due to that. But early on, people are allowed to make those choices without being judged upon.

 

I know from personal experience - my ex refused to drink because he had some weird eating disorder (could barely eat anything except 3 things) but it was a drag when I wanted to drink to celebrate and he would raise his water. Did we break up because of that? No. But it just wasn't great.

 

Same with the vegan thing. It's WAY early on - if it doesn't work or whatever, same with height, it doesn't make you a terrible person. Yes no one is perfect.

 

I could definitely date a vegan like amaysngrace so I'm hoping he's like that. His blog suggests otherwise, but I'm hoping that's when he was older and he is more chill now, but I guess I will find out.

[Gaeta]

Eating foods that cause heart disease and cancer?

Cancer didn't exist untill we introduced refined sugar in our diet. To this day there are tribes living way up north living on moose, deer, and seal meat and fat and they don't have cancers. Cancer is the burden of rich industrializes countries and the way we transform our food and sugar to it.

[Gaeta]

Yes you've hit it - the masculinity is being killed for me too. And then I saw some pictures of yoga and all that. There is just something manly about a man eating steak. And I think he doesn't drink either, which sucks too.

 

 

And each time you're invited to friends and family for BBQ, dinners, holidays, you'll have to inform them to have a different dish for him...............I think people with different life style should date people like them.

[losangelena]

So wait, hang on a second. So this guy is a vegan, he does yoga, he holds opposing political beliefs, and he doesn’t have a pile of accumulated wealth that you say you’re looking for.

 

Why, exactly, are you considering a date with him?

 

That sounds like the epitome of wasting your time. Are you struggling to find men who are like-minded in these ways? You do not seem open minded to his lifestyle, so why waste your time considering someone with whom you obviously share little in common? And these are not small, “he likes football but I’d rather watch the nba” type differences—these are foundational differences.

 

I dunno. You sound like you’re barking up the wrong tree here. It’s okay to next people based on these factors. You don’t need to give everyone a chance.

[eleanorrigby]

You don’t have to be a good cook. That’s what the internet is for!

 

You kind of do need to be a good cook though. lol Trust me.

Fr' instance, my latest cooking fail. Tried to add beer to my pot of chili. I poured in a can of Hopstorm IPA. Tasting, testing, wondering why my food suddenly tastes so gross. Tried cooking longer to "burn away the beer taste".

I found out after googling "Why does the beer in my food taste so bad?"

that hop flavors increase and increase the longer you cook with them.

 

Entire pot in the garbage disposal.

 

And that's just regular meat and potatoes cooking. You don't want me making you vegan food.

 

Anyway, I think these kinds of relationships can work, any kind of relationship can work actually if different variables come together like a perfect storm.

 

IMO a key variable for this kind to work is a good cook, someone who knows their way around the kitchen easily, someone who can cook a meal off the cuff without cookbooks and the internet. Someone who knows food, ingredients, flavor profiles and cooking techniques. If I'd had those skills, my daughters becoming vegan wouldn't have been so traumatic.

[LastStraw]

And each time you're invited to friends and family for BBQ, dinners, holidays, you'll have to inform them to have a different dish for him...............I think people with different life style should date people like them.

 

I don't understand how it is a problem- in nearly every gathering there is someone with something (allergy, diet, preferences etc) that requires meal accommodation, it's not such a big deal.

 

I dated a vegetarian before (I'm a meat eater) and he wasn't unmanly lol, quite the opposite.

 

I'd probably be opposed to snobbish eater more than anything - e.g. someone that doesn't eat fast food or frowns at chain restaurants. But that's because of the mindset that goes with it, otherwise it's not a problem, I'll still slam my Burger King while he eats his quinoa or whatever

[d0nnivain]

Sigh I just spent the last 2 days googling things people who are vegan do - and maybe I'm a highly intolerant person, I don't know, but I think I may really have trouble with this one. What is the point hurting someone if I just simply really can't do it? This happened before with a guy who was shorter than me and in the end, I really just could not do it. It sucked, he was really good in other ways, but I couldn't get over it. I mean if it's just meat, just pork, just I don't know - but vegan is VERY extreme - no eggs even. Nothing but plant based. Even vegetarian or one type of meat, I would have to work around it but I could try, but this is very difficult for me.

 

Now it's super awkward because he asked me to meet. I don't know what to do. It's giving me stress thinking about what to do =( I could meet, but I feel if I have this hanging over me, I don't know.

 

I tried asking him about it but he wanted to switch the topic and discuss something. Which is fair since we haven't even met. But I don't get what the point of meeting is if it's such a barrier with me.

 

If I was truly honest with myself, if his online profile had said vegan - I would have just swiped left.

 

 

Apparently this is a deal breaker for you. Accept that about yourself & move on.

 

And maybe I'm being responsible for actually trying to understand how vegans think. I read his blog which is another aspect of why I don't think he is being honest with me. He downplayed it with me but he has strong views about the topic. I feel it's an ethical decision, not just a dietary preference. If we aren't in line with it, then maybe we are just different people all together.

 

At this stage of my life, for me to sacrifice large amounts of money potentially if there is a divorce if there is a huge income difference and huge difference in net assets, the person has to be pretty special otherwise and if they already have a major dietary issue that I have to overcome, then I might as well just date for fun or find someone else more compatible.

 

ANYWAYS, I don't know - I might go ahead with the meeting just to give it the chance but unless there's huge surprises, I really don't know.

 

For this guy, it's not just the diet, it's the fact he spent years and years traveling and not building income. And his political views I also don't agree with. So I don't know if I can deal with all of this. Plus culturally different. We shall see.

 

 

Slow down. You haven't even met this guy & you are calculating the costs of divorcing him. Whoa. Waaaaayyyy too fast, too much too soon.

 

Don't meet him. You have already made up your mind. You are projecting negatively. In that space, it's not going to work. You are not in a tolerant space right now. Everything he does will annoy you. Don't waste your time.

 

 

Yes you've hit it - the masculinity is being killed for me too. And then I saw some pictures of yoga and all that. There is just something manly about a man eating steak. And I think he doesn't drink either, which sucks too.

 

You have so much negativity about all of this. It's far out of proportion for somebody you have yet to met.

 

Acknowledge that you would prefer to date somebody who meets your definition of masculine & go find that guy. Stop trying to figure out what you can tolerate or twist yourself into somebody you are not.

 

Do keep yourself in check though. All this future projection, about possible divorce & what the children you don't have will be forced to eat is placing undue stress on you.

 

A first date is ONLY about determining if there will be a 2nd date. Don't look farther into the future then that.

 

It doesn't matter that most of the LS community doesn't see his dietary choices as a problem. This is about you & your life. If you will be happier with a carnivore, date one. Don't apologize for your preferences. When I was single I didn't date blonde men. I just don't find them sexy. You have to live with your choice, we don't.

Edited December 6, 2018 by d0nnivain