Do women feel insecure being seen with certain guys

[JoeyCaponey]

Long time lurker, first time poster.

 

Hope you're all well.

 

This is a long one so brace yourself. Sorry if it's over the top but I'm just getting my feelings out. I'm a 32 year old professional (European decent) working as an engineer.

 

For the longest time (ever since I was 18) I struggled with women. I always felt like most women were embarrassed to be seen with me. My first girlfriend I ever had, we lived in a different city. We literally never left her house because she always made some excuse that she didn't want to be caught by her mother (as someone who may be a friend in the neighborhood might see us she would always say...)

 

Anyways I had a string of different relationships over the years where it always seemed to be the same thing. Girl would spot me. Find me online. Ask me to come over and we'd hang out for about 2 months. We'd sleep together and we'd just always become this friends with benefits thing. They would always say "You have such a sexy voice. I love your sexy face".

 

My sex life would be described from their perspective is "I can't get enough of you". It's a nice compliment to me and my largely boring life (I work all the time and have a million projects going on outside of work)

 

So the issue is that even though I'm aesthetically handsome (thankfully God did gift me with lots of features that I'm grateful for) However, He made me 158 cm tall.

When I was younger I didn't actually realize it...I wasn't inhibited like I am now because I literally didn't see what the issue was. I always figured that sex from a woman = she liked you. Now I realize that that isn't how they think. But it's a need for women just like men.

 

Recently I had two experiences that solidified my issue in my mind and I'm pretty much on the verge of giving up altogether on having a relationship with a women I find attractive (at least in the short term).

 

I met a woman on tinder (31). She came over. Hung out and ended up sleeping together for about 1 month. I kinda liked her so I suggested that we go to the movies. She said "she'd think about it". I already know what that means. She disappeared for a while then came back and then disappeared again.

 

Met one lady (36). We hung out a few times in my car (eventually she came over and we had sex a few times). She invited me to her work party. I arrived and she had been drinking a bit. Which is cool. No big deal. I'll catch up. I ended up hanging around with her friends more then her because she was kinda jumping from people to people. When I touched her from behind she reacted sorta badly...like she didn't really want to be seen doing that in public. In my mind I was thinking 'OHHH OKAY this nonsense again'. I dropped her home and just deleted her number from my phone. She got upset that I didn't want to continue things and she literally blew up my phone every other day for about 4 months.

 

All of these women...every single one...never ever just wanted to be seen with my arm around them in person. None of the ones I really liked anyways. I've never had an experience of having a fun time at a party or a club where I actually had a girl in my lap or hanging out at the bar. It was always alone in my room or at their place. It's fine at first but it's kinda boring after a while.

 

I know what I'm saying sounds feminine in a way. I know some people think I shouldn't be complaining because I get sex on the regular but the reality is that a guy actually does feel hurt that you don't want to be seen with him. I know some women already feel used by a guy in their past and so don't feel like they owe them anything - I get that. I totally do.

 

Now for people who may ask. Yes most of the girls were slightly taller or very tall. Women in my country are taller on average then me and even when I've gone shorter...it's usually more of the same reactions. The only time I have a woman literally begging to be in a relationship is when they are grossly overweight, immigrant ladies who are pushing 40 and women with no other options or seem to be pushing to settle down (get married) but they don't even try to take care of themselves.

 

I'm not disputing or complaining that women shouldn't find tall guys attractive or that they SHOULD like shorter guys - I'm not saying that. I know lots of people have different struggles and I understand things will never be 100% equal for everyone but I do feel like an outlier here.

 

I just wish I knew what women were thinking in their mind and what their objective is...if it's just sex and fun...OK...but I just need some confirmation.

[SophieG]

Personally I’m 5 ft 2 (158cm) and I usually date guys who are 6ft and over. I like guys who are much taller than me. Recently, I met someone who’s 5 ft 6 (167cm). At first it was an ajustment, but I realized that height is not that important.

That being said, I don’t know how I would feel to date someone shorter than me.

[ExpatInItaly]

I met a woman on tinder (31). She came over. Hung out and ended up sleeping together for about 1 month. I kinda liked her so I suggested that we go to the movies. She said "she'd think about it". I already know what that means. She disappeared for a while then came back and then disappeared again.

So, did you actually ever date her or just sleep with her? If this was just a casual sex arrangement, it sounds like her reaction had more to do with keeping it casual rather than not wanting to be seen in public with you.

 

Met one lady (36). We hung out a few times in my car (eventually she came over and we had sex a few times). She invited me to her work party. I arrived and she had been drinking a bit. Which is cool. No big deal. I'll catch up. I ended up hanging around with her friends more then her because she was kinda jumping from people to people. When I touched her from behind she reacted sorta badly...like she didn't really want to be seen doing that in public. In my mind I was thinking 'OHHH OKAY this nonsense again'. I dropped her home and just deleted her number from my phone. She got upset that I didn't want to continue things and she literally blew up my phone every other day for about 4 months.

Well, did you ask her why she reacted that way? I think you jumped the gun assuming she was embarrassed to be seen with you. She invited you to her work party, OP. That seems to be a pretty big clue that she wasn't afraid for people to see the two of you together. We need more context on this specific incident and how you perceived her reaction as "bad." If she was blowing up your phone thereafter, again, I don't think it's impossible that you jumped to erroneous conclusions.

 

What I am getting at is that I am not sure if these women really have an issue with your height, or if you are applying your assumptions based on your own insecurity when there could well be other factors contributing to your lack of success.

[preraph]

I would just say that if they're a lot taller than you or heavier, they might not want to sit on your lap thinking they'd be too heavy. But the bigger reason might be because they just don't sit on guys' laps in public.

 

How are your clothes? Obviously good enough to get women, but could there be anything wrong with them, dirty, not neat, too casual? Shoes?

 

Or could there be something you do that embarrasses them in public? Like I have two friends who talk WAY too loud at restaurants and one of them may be talking about inappropriate stuff. I have to tell them both to be quiet sometimes.

 

Or do you flirt with servers or something like that that embarrasses them? I had to stop taking one female friend (I'm also female) to my favorite restaurant because she was a 50-yr-old married ex-stripper and she would be inappropriate with the waiter.

 

Are you cheap at all? Making an issue of what to order and who pays? That could do it, I guess.

 

Or do you like to go places they might think are smarmy? Strip clubs, things like that?

 

It seems to me it can't only just be about your height. It seems to me if they're attracted enough to have sex with you, they shouldn't be embarrassed about your height or they wouldn't even be having sex with you. So I'm thinking it's something else.

[JoeyCaponey]

So, did you actually ever date her or just sleep with her? If this was just a casual sex arrangement, it sounds like her reaction had more to do with keeping it casual rather than not wanting to be seen in public with you.

 

Well, did you ask her why she reacted that way? I think you jumped the gun assuming she was embarrassed to be seen with you. She invited you to her work party, OP. That seems to be a pretty big clue that she wasn't afraid for people to see the two of you together. We need more context on this specific incident and how you perceived her reaction as "bad." If she was blowing up your phone thereafter, again, I don't think it's impossible that jumped to conclusions.

 

What I am getting at is that I am not sure if these women really have an issue with your height, or if you are applying your assumptions based on your own insecurity when there could well be other factors contributing to your lack of success.

 

1) Well, we were in a 'dating' mode as you could say because we were texting each other at least a few times a day - some personal stuff and fun conversations. I never played games. I played it all very straight but non-needy. I know to not push the relationship too quickly so I never mentioned the date until maybe 4 weeks after we'd been seeing each other. However, one week prior to that we were sending funny photos to each other. She had sent me these pictures of her in funny poses so I made a collage and sent it back to her. She said to me "I'm gonna put this on my tinder profile!". That was a bit of a red flag that she was still looking around. About a week later I asked if she wanted to see a movie. She didn't react at all in her body language.

 

2)So I actually did ask her what was up with her reaction a few days later and she just flat out denied it/invalided it by saying she didn't remember and she just wanted to hang out with her friends and have a good time. Now I would agree with that but it doesn't make sense because the whole night she barely stood still next to me for 10 seconds.

[elaine567]

Seems to me you set the precedent, you hang out, you have sex, you morph into fwb/casual arrangement then it goes belly up.

 

 

If you want to be a bf and out into the open, then perhaps you should start as you mean to go on.

 

I agree with ExpatInItaly you seriously messed up with the girl who invited you to her work party.

[JoeyCaponey]

I would just say that if they're a lot taller than you or heavier, they might not want to sit on your lap thinking they'd be too heavy. But the bigger reason might be because they just don't sit on guys' laps in public.

 

How are your clothes? Obviously good enough to get women, but could there be anything wrong with them, dirty, not neat, too casual? Shoes?

 

Or could there be something you do that embarrasses them in public? Like I have two friends who talk WAY too loud at restaurants and one of them may be talking about inappropriate stuff. I have to tell them both to be quiet sometimes.

 

Or do you flirt with servers or something like that that embarrasses them? I had to stop taking one female friend (I'm also female) to my favorite restaurant because she was a 50-yr-old married ex-stripper and she would be inappropriate with the waiter.

 

Are you cheap at all? Making an issue of what to order and who pays? That could do it, I guess.

 

Or do you like to go places they might think are smarmy? Strip clubs, things like that?

 

It seems to me it can't only just be about your height. It seems to me if they're attracted enough to have sex with you, they shouldn't be embarrassed about your height or they wouldn't even be having sex with you. So I'm thinking it's something else.

 

Thanks for your response.

 

No I dress very cleanly. I have a style which is a bit edgy but nice fitting. I wear slightly darker clothes but I do have some nice shoes on and my clothes are always washed. I shower twice a day. I wear light cologne which smells like vanilla.

 

I'm big on showers and I'm pretty clean. I change my duvet once a week. I figured out early on that girls like nice smelling clean guys and they always comment how I smell.

 

My parents are a bit conservative so I was taught to that you shouldn't bother people. I've never been a big flirt (certainly never with a server). Some people have said I have a flirty voice but I've never been some sort of don juan who's loud and obnoxious. I'm more introverted than that. I also never assume someone likes me so I've never been overly confident. But I do notice women's facial expressions around me tend to signal they like me but they only seem to act it out in private.

 

I do sometimes meet girls for coffee but when I suggest a second date they usually just respond with "Lets just hang out at your place or lets do something indoors".

 

Let me relay another story to you.

 

I once went out with a chinese girl who's english wasn't the best (young, thin, a little bit vain I would say).

We had a awkward first date at a restaurant. After the date a few days later we kept chatting away. When I suggested a second date she said "I don't like your height and I don't like your job". So...I was OK (little bit shocked at how forward she was)...I was thinking fair enough lets just be friends

 

I didn't bother her about it and just went on with my life.....but low and behold....she again came aboard a few months later and told me she was crushing on me. She was like obsessed with me especially after she had been in my room a few times. In fact after I stopped seeing her she messaged me for about 6 months about once a month to try and see me again.

 

It really just drives me crazy. I'm not making any of this up either.

[mortensorchid]

These two women you told the forum about seemed like they were just looking for a hookup and you want an actual relationship with them. Without knowing other things about them have you asked why they don't want to be seen with you?

 

I can tell you as a woman I have learned this. If and when I have been with someone I don't introduce them to friends / family / acquaintance too quickly. If and when I have something really not good happens. Many years ago I brought my new bf to a party and it was a horrible thing. The hostess of the party threw a horrible tantrum at me saying she hated me, she hated him, she hated her sister-in-law, etc. Her final word was "If this is you now I liked you better before he came along!" I still have PTSD from that rant. Needless to say we stopped speaking. Another time I brought someone to meet 3 friends and the next day he broke it off. I think people just assume things about you, the person in question, etc. And they're not right about it or them. I have since learned to wait at least 3/4 months before introducing them to anyone else, you kind of "settle down".

 

But it doesn't sound like these women were looking for a relationship to begin with. Keep moving forward...

[preraph]

So what is your job? I'm trying to imagine if you're well dressed, etc. how someone doesn't like your job, because obviously it's providing the niceties.

 

It seems to me a woman would have to be one or three things to be embarrassed enough by your height to not want to be seen with you.

 

1) Shallow

2) low self-esteem to the point she has to prop herself up hoping a partner reflects well on her.

3) married

 

I guess it's possible to end up attracting shallow women if you're putting something out there that makes you yourself appear snobbish or shallow, like talking about wearing only designer clothes, for just a random example.

 

You'd have little way of knowing if the woman has underlying poor self-esteem and needs a prop. There's certainly a lot of guys who use women as props to elevate themselves, and I assume women do it too.

 

I suppose simplest answer is they are married or otherwise taken and don't want anyone to know they're dating.

[JoeyCaponey]

Seems to me you set the precedent, you hang out, you have sex, you morph into fwb/casual arrangement then it goes belly up.

 

 

If you want to be a bf and out into the open, then perhaps you should start as you mean to go on.

 

I agree with ExpatInItaly you seriously messed up with the girl who invited you to her work party.

 

So you're saying that if I had just come out and asked to be in a relationship prior to that incident she wouldn't have reacted badly when I touched her on the hips in public? Or tried to put my arm around her?

 

Are you saying I need to ask to be in a relationship first before I show my affection in public? Like that would be the catalyst for it?

 

I've never know women agreeing they wanted total disclosure on a guys feelings before wanting PDA. I used to be like that in my teens and it would just repel women telling them how much I liked them. I play it very cool these days.

[JoeyCaponey]

So what is your job? I'm trying to imagine if you're well dressed, etc. how someone doesn't like your job, because obviously it's providing the niceties.

 

It seems to me a woman would have to be one or three things to be embarrassed enough by your height to not want to be seen with you.

 

1) Shallow

2) low self-esteem to the point she has to prop herself up hoping a partner reflects well on her.

3) married

 

I guess it's possible to end up attracting shallow women if you're putting something out there that makes you yourself appear snobbish or shallow, like talking about wearing only designer clothes, for just a random example.

 

You'd have little way of knowing if the woman has underlying poor self-esteem and needs a prop. There's certainly a lot of guys who use women as props to elevate themselves, and I assume women do it too.

 

I suppose simplest answer is they are married or otherwise taken and don't want anyone to know they're dating.

Thanks for your response

 

I don't wear designer clothes. I don't act like a snob. I'm more middle class I think...but I do have a style which I get complimented on every now and then. I don't think it's a physical appearance thing..however... I've literally experienced this situation for years and years and years.

 

Women have never tried to use me for money I have noticed...and I make a decent salary.

 

I look kinda like Chris Marten...Adam Levine type facially anyways. I always have a 5'oclock shadow. definitely have positive responses to my looks and people will say at least once a week/month how handsome I am. I definitely try to make myself accessible and I don't take myself too seriously. I'm trying to put on more weight now just fill out a bit. I suspect it won't help too much and I should probably just relegate myself to this kind of life. I thank you all for your answers.

 

I'm not totally unhappy. I just wonder sometimes because I've always experienced this kind of reaction from women. Especially initially. It's this kinda of hidden sexual attraction...I'm a nice rebound...a fun time..but only after distancing myself a bit do they become relationship ready..but it all seems more hidden to me. I feel like i have to play these games initially to get their attention...because I can't do it by just being honest. Anyways. Thanks for all your time. I don't really understand it but I'll just keep on.