My wife as fallen out of love with me.

[GuySimple]

Here’s my story. My W and I have been married for 18 years and have two young kids. 7-years ago I did an incredibly stupid thing and had a brief affair with someone I met through work in another town. Things were not very good in our marriage at the time and, well, I took the #1 dumb-road straight to stupid land. The affair was dead a month after it started with no thoughts of returning.

 

Anyway, we went to see a councilor and got back to what was an even better marriage. We moved to another town and basically started over. Or so I thought. We were much more open and I became much more understanding and supportive. My W went back to work and here career took off. She got involved in non-profit work and that has taken off as well.

 

Over the past few years her work and other stuff has taken more and more time away from us. A typical night after the kids went to bed usually meant her working away on the computer until mid-night when she would come to bed exhausted. I started to resent these activities and accused her of using them to replace me. This was further exasperated by the lack of effort she put in our relationship compared to the relationships with her co-workers and committee members. I would see how she conversed with them and it made me envious. I started to feel a but utilitarian.

 

This has gone on for a while now. Our relationship has suffered. On the weekend we had a fairly heated discussion on something that ended up being a discussion on our relationship. I said to her that she put me and us on the back shelf and that she has build a huge wall around her and won’t let me in. During the discussion she revealed that she hadn’t actually gotten past my affair and that something died in our relationship. She was angry at the pressure she felt from others (her family) to make it work and accept me back. She said that she loved me as a father but not as a husband. When I said that we needed to talk and start back to where we were 7 years ago and repair the damage properly she didn’t seem too willing. The only thing keeping us together now is our two kids. She keeps saying that she will never be able to give me what I want and that I probably won’t be able to give me what she wants. How we always have opposite views even though we have always been a good team until the last year or so.

 

I’m not sure what to do. I love her very much and am willing to do whatever it takes to keep our relationship going and getting stronger.

[Dean3922]

The problem is, is she? A one-way door only opens one direction and a one-way marriage is just a convince. If she has not got over the A then she is still harboring a lot of resent to wards you. At some point it needs to be released. She has chosen to dive into her work and your needs are non-existent. The answer is for her and you to get counseling so you can get all your feelings out and see if you can make a go of it. I don't see much happiness for you with the situation as it stands. If you can keep yourself busy with work and raising the kids then you might be able to stay together.

The question is, what do you want? Can you live with a wife who is not in-love with you? Can you have a marriage of convince? Can you beat yourself up for ever and live with the guilt the rest of your life? You know her views and the question for you is, can you live with it?

[Owl]

Word of caution to you...

 

When a spouse says that they don't love you anymore, it's OFTEN an indication that she's emotionally invested in someone else (read:affair, either emotional or physical or both).

 

Spending much longer time at work, spending less emotional investment in you, spending HUGE hours on the computer at nite...do you know if she's using an IM program on her computer?

 

Your situation could be that she's having some type of an affair...honestly, I'd suggest you take some steps to start looking around for that as a possibility. Install a keylogger on her computer...keep an eye on the cell phone invoice, etc...

[GuySimple]

I don’t think there is anyone else. I do however think that she has immersed herself in work to escape either the way she feels or the situation. I see the work she is doing so I don’t think she is spending her time conversing with others.

 

In a way since she has gone back to work she has grown-up immensely and I find myself being the same person she married. She has accessed me of being a bully. That she doesn’t open up to me because if I don’t like what she is saying I put up a wall or try to refute what she is saying. That everything is black of white with me there is no moderate grey area.

 

What I do think though is that maybe I haven’t been as understanding as I should have been and provided her the support she needed, for things like overtime etc. Instead I have complained about why we haven’t had quiet romantic times together when she is swamped at work. Maybe I have pushed her away. The conversations that she has with others are so much more pleasant; with me she seems to hold a sword and a shield.

 

I’m a little reluctant to go back to a councillor. We’ve gone to two over the years and I sometimes think they did more harm than good. The first after my affair quickly moved into the “it’s your families fault”, the ole hate your mother and father thing. When, at the time my wife just wanted to have a bit of time to vent at me for what I did. In a way the councillor let me off the hook and turned the tables on my wife.

 

For me, it was easier; I came the realization that she was whom I wanted so I went home to her. With her, she took me back because someone said it was the right thing. Maybe she didn’t come to the realization that yes I do love him and want to make it work.

 

So, 7-years later, I need to figure out what to do. Do I role back the clock and start over with the reconciliation process. This would be complicated as there is a lot of water and feelings under the bridge in 7-years and we are both very different people.

 

As I write this I’m not felling very good about the way I have acted over the past few years.

[whichwayisup]

I'd give MC another try. Maybe you didn't have the right person helping you both.

 

If you love her and want to work through it then tell her how you're feeling and that you want to do everything possible to make the marriage work.

[portableversion]

You screwed up 7 years ago.

 

7 years ago, you were the confused one, you were the one who probably felt that 'i love my wife, i'm just not in-love with her'. That's why you slept with the other woman.

 

And she stayed with you, even though you OBVIOUSLY had doubts about HER>

 

Now it's her turn. Just remember that feelings change. Give her the space she needs to do her thing. She may come back to you, or she may not. Either way, it's her 'turn' to have doubts, and its now YOUR TURN to stay by her, like she did you. Sounds like you are jealous of her new career. Don't be. Be proud of her.

 

BTW, the 'love' and 'in love' distinction is silly. After 18 years, one can't expect to feel like that randy twenty-something.

 

IMO, marriage counseling is a rip off. The ONE time we used one, it was a diasaster. The b1tch gave us a copy of John Gray, "Men are from Mars..." which is the most sexist piece of brainwashing pop psych to come down the pike in a LONG TIME>

[GuySimple]

I think part of what has happened is that she can’t count on me for emotional support anymore. You’re probably right about being jealous of her work. Not that she is being successful, but rather the time issue. To her, I’m sure it simply looks like I am not supporting her. Now, she feels that I can’t (or won’t) change and therefore she has become resigned to the way we are. I’ve supported her in the parental/domestic by clearing the deck to give her time for additional work, but I really haven’t provided emotional support, quite the opposite actually.

 

Your comment on the “twenty something” relationship kind of hit home. The relationship that I said I wanted was basically the “twenty-something, melt me when I walk into the room relationship”. Based on our busy lives and priorities that’s really totally unreasonable right now. There is no way she can do that.

 

The more I think about this, the more I think that maybe I should be the one to go to a MC. She has a bad taste about them and based on what I know now I don’t blame her. Our’s didn’t suggest the “Men are from Mars…” book, but did suggest a number of books all of which were designed to help women. Now, if that were me, I would be thinking “why am I the only one who has to read up on behaviours”. She’s not perfect but by no means is she the only one in our relationship that had behaviours to correct.

[MAINMAN1]

One thing not being discussed here is this, Dont fall into the trap of being an apologetic wussy man. I mean, its great and requisite for a real man to admit when he is wrong and man - up and say he is sorry for whatever he did wrong. But it is also wrong to lie to your partner for 7 years about your feelings and then decide when things are going well for you that you want to 'take your ball and leave' - thats crap she is pulling because she doesnt respect you. You made a huge mistake having the affair - duh, you know it, she knows it. but its rediculous to sit and be punished for it 7 years later.

So what can you do? Show her - dont tell her you will do anything. Get into shape, get freinds - real ones, who will support you through whatever, get a hobby that benefits you and your children, plan and strategize your resources, become very independent. Exert self control at all times - when there are problems invite her to talk and then shut up and listen ... let her vent if shes angry let her vent if shes stressed ... your only responses should be 'I see, I understand, or Okay ... followed by you acknowledging some unverbalized feeling or emotion she is experiencing,then shut up some more, a nice way to start a talk is by - out of the blue - saying "yknow I was thinking about (some blunder you made that may have hurt her feelings') and I bet it made you feel (insert how you know you made her feel) and i wanted to let you know I am sorry" this tells her you arent as emotionaly retarded as she thought and that you do care about her.

If you are projecting someone who is deserving of respect she will respond. Women want a real man... A real man is strong, silent and in command - not to sound corny. Not authoritarian - but when you just sit and let her vent and you just listen and acknowledge only her feelings - no excuses or reasons why, or rebuttle- AND DONT RAISE YOUR VOICE - even if she does. then it sooooooo plays into your hand. And it sounds to me like you need some cards in your hand right about now. Nobody wants toeat at a restaurant that never has cars parked in its driveway ... dont be needy and always spinlessly apollogetic or she will walk all over you. You have to make her WANT to work things out and you do that by personal development and projecting / demanding respect. the only way you can demand respect is to get your own life together despite however painfull it may be right now with this relationship turmoil.

[sugar-rae]

One thing not being discussed here is this, Dont fall into the trap of being an apologetic wussy man. I mean, its great and requisite for a real man to admit when he is wrong and man - up and say he is sorry for whatever he did wrong. But it is also wrong to lie to your partner for 7 years about your feelings and then decide when things are going well for you that you want to 'take your ball and leave' - thats crap she is pulling because she doesnt respect you. You made a huge mistake having the affair - duh, you know it, she knows it. but its rediculous to sit and be punished for it 7 years later.

So what can you do? Show her - dont tell her you will do anything. Get into shape, get freinds - real ones, who will support you through whatever, get a hobby that benefits you and your children, plan and strategize your resources, become very independent. Exert self control at all times - when there are problems invite her to talk and then shut up and listen ... let her vent if shes angry let her vent if shes stressed ... your only responses should be 'I see, I understand, or Okay ... followed by you acknowledging some unverbalized feeling or emotion she is experiencing,then shut up some more, a nice way to start a talk is by - out of the blue - saying "yknow I was thinking about (some blunder you made that may have hurt her feelings') and I bet it made you feel (insert how you know you made her feel) and i wanted to let you know I am sorry" this tells her you arent as emotionaly retarded as she thought and that you do care about her.

If you are projecting someone who is deserving of respect she will respond. Women want a real man... A real man is strong, silent and in command - not to sound corny. Not authoritarian - but when you just sit and let her vent and you just listen and acknowledge only her feelings - no excuses or reasons why, or rebuttle- AND DONT RAISE YOUR VOICE - even if she does. then it sooooooo plays into your hand. And it sounds to me like you need some cards in your hand right about now. Nobody wants toeat at a restaurant that never has cars parked in its driveway ... dont be needy and always spinlessly apollogetic or she will walk all over you. You have to make her WANT to work things out and you do that by personal development and projecting / demanding respect. the only way you can demand respect is to get your own life together despite however painfull it may be right now with this relationship turmoil.

 

MainMan1, the way you started out your post, my hackles started to rise. I thought it was gonna be one of those (excuse the pun) You da Man, don't cower to her sh**!, but I, as a BW, just totally was sucked in by every word. You are really slick! (not being sarcastic, but respectful)+++++

 

I mean, all that you are saying, how to talk with your woman/wife, it's true and it WILL work with her eventually if you REALLY mean it. If the way you talk and listen and respond to her is truthful and real.

No lies, no fakeness just to hurry up and get thru her tirade or burst of pain, just being there because you know how much pain it's caused/is still causing her.

 

That is what women want in a situation like when their H's have had an A.

[MAINMAN1]

but I just hope that it helped guysimple, because I havent seen him log on in some time and am not sure he even got the advice he was looking for by posting here in the first place. My heart goes out to all those relatinoships where one partner is longing for a reconcilliation with the other because lets face it ... we've all been there. Understanding women is a very difficult thing to master and grasp, and most men either give up ... or are so conditioned to self-centeredness that they never fully realize how powerfull their actions (or inactions) are in the lives of the women that love them.

[GuySimple]

Thanks for the advise. We have had lots of discussion since my posts. Basically what it has come down to is her being confused about what she wants. I have been totally self absorbed in trying to keep our marriage together that I haven’t even thought about what I want. I’m afraid I had become the wussy man. Realistically, I wasn’t happy with our marriage for probably the last couple of years. The spark is missing and realistically neither one of us really has been trying that hard. But when she brought up her unhappiness I felt threatened and fear. I didn’t want it to end this way, without trying. She doesn’t know if she wants to try. In fact she is so confused about how she is feeling with just about everything in her life right now.

 

So I stopped pushing. I offered to move out to give her space but she wanted me to stay. I came to the realization that I have to get on with my life. I told her that I was willing to work as hard as was needed to but our life back together and build a stronger bond. She is afraid to give stuff up. Her biggest fear is that she will have to make time for me. I told her that probably in order for me to be happy we would need to spend more time on our marriage than we have.

 

For me, I’m prepared to move on now. I am willing to stay and work as long as the other partner is wanted to work as well. Both of us need to he happy. I want to be happier than I have been. So, for me right now it is a case of trying to improve my own behavior. Be more understanding and approachable, be present in my relationships, listen without judgment, and stop putting pressure on her to start working on something that she doesn’t know what it looks like.

 

For her it is dealing with whatever she needs to deal with. I do notice that she has finally moved the card for a councilor that I gave her. Hopefully she will get some help because no matter what happens to us I sure hope she can find some piece with her struggle. I do know that we will always be friends and good parents to our kids whether or not we are married.

[whichwayisup]

Her biggest fear is that she will have to make time for me.

 

I don't understand what she means by this. That shouldn't be something she's fearing, it should be something she wants to do. Ouch...

[GuySimple]

She feels that in order for our relationship to be one that I will be happy with it will require her to give up something. She is a workaholic and is involved in a number of “causes” all of which give her a great deal of fulfilment. That coupled with the fact that I haven’t always been as understanding of her work related needs has left doubts in her mind that she will ever be what I want. She has said that she is being very self-centred about the whole thing.

[MAINMAN1]

Man, good luck. I know about the hard choices you are facing right now with your family. Regardless of what happens, dont presume the kids will be unscathed no matter how amicable the divorce (if it comes to that). It may be better for everyone long-term, but the bottom line is that it will affect them / hurt them / confuse them at first. good luck.

[sugar-rae]

She feels that in order for our relationship to be one that I will be happy with it will require her to give up something. She is a workaholic and is involved in a number of “causes” all of which give her a great deal of fulfilment. That coupled with the fact that I haven’t always been as understanding of her work related needs has left doubts in her mind that she will ever be what I want. She has said that she is being very self-centred about the whole thing.

 

I think it's great she has her own things to do. Isn't it about time? She's dealing with the whole A and now has something for herself. I don't understand why you aren't as understanding as you could be (about her working)

 

You don't think she's a workaholic because it's a revenge thing, do you, because from what I've read in your posts about your W, she seems like she's working to put better use to her mind and thoughts than dwelling with thoughts of the A. (?)

Maybe I've read something wrong, but this may be your W's way of "exorcising" the demons of what happened.

Just some abstract thoughts...

[GuySimple]

I absolutely think she is immersing herself in work because she is dealing, or not dealing in this case, with relationship issues. She has admitted that she is hiding behind something that she loves. In a way this is her affair. Theirs not person involved but there is an emotional bond and a replacement.

 

My issue with her is not that she is spending so much time at work; it’s that she has used it to replace us. That she has used it to hide and not deal with us as a couple. Both of these she has admitted to. She enjoys her work and is afraid that by providing some commitment to our relationship she will have to give something up. Now, keep in mind that no one has said anything about giving up anything. But she is smart, I expect she realizes that spending 14+ hours everyday is not reasonable when you are also married. So I believe that in her mind she feels she has to make a choice.

 

Honestly, based on what she has said this has less to do with the affair but more to do with things that existed before. Before the affair she was very non committal on the whole close emotional relationship thing. This caused a lot of problems between us and eventually led my affair. The work thing is basically her realizing that she can get a whole lot of satisfaction from something that requires very little emotional commitment.

[sugar-rae]

 

Honestly, based on what she has said this has less to do with the affair but more to do with things that existed before. Before the affair she was very non committal on the whole close emotional relationship thing. This caused a lot of problems between us and eventually led my affair. The work thing is basically her realizing that she can get a whole lot of satisfaction from something that requires very little emotional commitment.

 

Wel, IMO, I think she probably needs this time for herself. I mean, no offense, but you got out and did your own thing.

If my H had a prob w/my job after he had cheated on me I'd just tell him "tough", but that's me and I probably have a way different temperment than your wife. She's probably alot more level headed.

[GuySimple]

This website has been my place to vent. At this point there is really no way I can be anything but the loving understanding H despite that sometimes I am screaming inside.

 

My wife has totally shut down with emotion about the problems in our relationship. She doesn’t think we can make it work. We have essentially become roommates in our house. Conversations are very polite and sterile. We don’t touch anymore and haven’t slept together in a week now. Last night we when out to a dinner event for my work and there was a small mix-up with the seating. In retrospect it was a very small thing but at the time inside I was panicking that she was annoyed with me and that once again I messed-up.

 

The other night I felt like a bloody salesman trying to present the idea of working on our relationship. For every positive thing she presented a negative one. She had such resignation about our marriage. I finally said that if she wasn’t willing to at least try and didn’t think we could work things out why would we not just agree to be good parents and both get on with our lives, finding whatever it was that we needed to be happy. I had offered to move out. Initially she seemed OK with that but then felt it was too final. That if I left that would be it. Realistically I feel that she is just trying to come to terms with the idea that we need to go our separate ways.

 

The only bright spot is that I gave her the number for the councilor I have been seeing and I noticed the other day that it was moved so maybe she will finally see a councilor to help her work through some things, albeit a month after she told me that she didn’t know if we could make it work anymore.

 

So what you are seeing here in my posts is sadness, confusion and frustration slowly turn into anger. I see that my posts are full of victim statements and incentive anger. But like I said this has been an outlet for me.

[sugar-rae]

 

So what you are seeing here in my posts is sadness, confusion and frustration slowly turn into anger. I see that my posts are full of victim statements and incentive anger. But like I said this has been an outlet for me.

 

I understand your point, but I am a BS so initially I am going to look at it more sympathetically from your W's point of view.

We do things, albeit selfishly, making decisions to suit ourselves, and most times when we get what we want, we don't want it anymore and want to fall back on the people we had left behind.

My H tried to have the "woe is me" attitude infront of everyone but I was having none of it. If "he" had been more receptive and willing to work on our marriage before he cheated we wouldn't be living with his little "mistake".

Your W is dealing the best way she can. You maybe should step back and say, "hey, whatever it takes. I love you."

If you really love her she'll see that eventually.

I'm sure she'd love to erase the whole sordid A out of her memory but she can't.