Where did I mess up?

[PennyGreat]

Okay. So I just came home from a date and I feel it did not end well. I always try to improve my game - so I want to learn what I did wrong so I wont do it again with some other girl.

 

This girl is actually a coworker of mine, and we have flirted a little on and off at work. We actually had scheduled a date last weekend but she canceled for some idiotic reason and I just thought "to heck with it" and went through the week without giving her any attention. I think this void of no attention was what caused her to reach out to me on friday night and asked if I wanted to go on this date.

 

So this is what happened, please pinpoint what I did wrong.

 

We played pool. I arrived early and waited for her. She texted me: "I will be there in 6-7 minutes, you can just go inside". I replied "Nice. I will get us a table". So I went in and lined up the table with the poolballs and sticks.

 

I felt the conversation went well while we played, we flirted and were standing very close. After three rounds is when I felt I started to mess up. I said "I suggest we go get some drinks" and she said "Okay". I went to put the sticks and when I came back I saw that she was on her way to the reception with the balls and I thought "crap, I was planning to be very determined and go and pay without question". Then there was this awkward silence where she was carrying the balls and I was walking beside her with nothing in my hands. I felt I should just take the balls and say, I handle this. She was just standing silent when I was receiving my credit card and I could not figure the "credit card machine" out (sorry english is not my first language). She seemed a little embarassed - but eventually I payed. I than said "Shall we go find a table" without thinking and felt stupid because we hadnt got our drinks yet. So we bought drinks and she said "Ill pay" and payed. We went to the table and we forgot our clothes and my phone with the pool table. It was just a awkward mess.

 

At the table I felt calm again, and felt the conversation went well beside me having a stupid joke about having a stripper to a baby shower she was about to arrange. She was looking on her phone and said she had to leave in five minutes to meet a friend. I thought I should be the first to end it off - and after three minutes said "So, should you shug your drink and then well go?" and started to put on my coat. She was a little stumbled by it. But as we went out and before we said goodbye she said "We have this funny coleague at work, she says whenever I dress up she is giving me a hard time about I am dressing up to impress you". I dont really know how to interprit this.

 

So what did I do wrong?

Edited December 2, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language

[Garcon1986]

Welcome to Loveshack!

 

I recommend the next time you want to do something, don't ask her permission to do it (but of course don't do something ridiculous). If you want to pay for the food, arrange for it ahead of time or just go do it. If you want to kiss her at the end, judge her comfort level and go in for the kiss. Her joke at the end is a good bit of flirting from her end, I would have received it well. You could have said something like, well your colleague is right, I enjoy it when you dress with such a dashing outfit.

 

The moral of the story is you should never ask a woman's permission to be a man, while at the same time, being gentlemanly, and leading a fun and flirting conversation.

[GinON]

I am no dating guru but these are my impressions.

 

It seems like you went in with a lot of pressure to perform and the date was about impressing her, not having a good time and getting to know her. You dont seem to be able to laugh at yourself and you get hung up by little "mistakes". She can probably see that you are panicking when something small happens. When she had the balls, you could have said, "Thanks for carrying my balls around! I love seeing you handle those balls! :lmao:" or something funny, (my comments are terrible, I know) but instead you were panicked that she was doing something which just seems weird to me. You instinct was to run around chasing after what you think you should do. This reeks, lack of confidence.

 

Why isnt your emphasis on what she is like, who is she, what impressed her about you?

 

Why do you think leaving your coat on a table in the next room is a disaster. Those are places for self deprecating humor...showing humility or teasing her for being forgetful, then she can tease you right back, which is fun!

 

You: Hey you forgot your clothes, but dont worry, I will take care of it, smile, wink...

Her"You mean ,we forgot..."

You: smile, shrug shoulders, "you caught me!"

Again, terrible dialogue but do you see what I mean?

[preraph]

I don't know. I guess it was a little awkward, but maybe things will be less awkward next time. You'll find out if there will be a next time and if not, sorry.

[d0nnivain]

I don't think you did anything wrong but you are right, things did not go smoothly. In the future try to be more in the moment, so you don't forget things like your phone.

[Kelliousme]

She can probably see that you are panicking when something small happens. When she had the balls, you could have said, "Thanks for carrying my balls around! I love seeing you handle those balls! :lmao:" or something funny, (my comments are terrible, I know) but instead you were panicked that she was doing something which just seems weird to me. You instinct was to run around chasing after what you think you should do. This reeks, lack of confidence.

 

Why do you think leaving your coat on a table in the next room is a disaster. Those are places for self deprecating humor...showing humility or teasing her for being forgetful, then she can tease you right back, which is fun!

 

Exactly this.

 

From what you described, it really shows that you lack confidence.. and it shows you're kind of weak. There's no reason for you to panic. If this is your personality.. unfortunately you'll have to just find a woman who can accept you for the way you are. Some people just lacks confidence and can't turn awkward embarrassing moments into fun and quirk.

 

I'd say the only thing you did wrong was the joke about bringing a stripper to her baby shower arrangements. Oh man.. if you want to joke.. joke better. I'd start becoming doubtful if a man talks about strippers during our date, AND about bringing a stripper to a baby shower I'm going to arrange.

[Lotsgoingon]

What you did wrong was ironically to worry too much about this being a date.

 

You definitely need to lose all the anxiety ... and all the focus on micro-steps ... I walked two steps and then paused, and I worried I had done something wrong. Lose all that.

 

Dude, if you have a connection with someone--friend, enemy, person on a date--whether she gets the pool balls or not ... whether or not you use your credit card in the right away ... none of that really matters.

 

You've got your causation backwards here. You're starting with the premise that the date should be good, everything should go fine ... and if things don't go fine, it's that you made an error.

 

Actually, the opposite is more true. Just show up ... with nervousness, goofiness, fears and all ... and if the person gets you ... and if you really like them ... the date will work itself out. You think you're the only person who is nervous and clumsy on a date. If a woman is a good fit for you, she is likely to see your nervousness as a sign that you care.

 

As a previous person said, the focus here is on all the wrong things. The focus should be: what is this woman like? What did you learn about her? What is she interested in? What's her personality like? ... And ... did you like the way her voice sounded? ... did you like her smile? ... did you enjoy talking to her? Do you have common interests?

 

Most dates don't result in some magical connection. You have to keep going on dates to up your numbers and up your chances to meet the right person.

[smackie9]

I think she felt you got a little put off with her having to leave, judging by your actions 3 mins in. So she tried to smooth it over and give you a compliment in an indirect way at the end there.

 

 

 

Your comment about chugging her drink was sort of rude, but I don't think it would have made any difference. Just because she reached out doesn't mean she's at that really interested...maybe she just though, what the hell, I will give him a shot, it's an evening out anyways. Done this myself.

[robtmufc]

From what I've read here to me I don't think the date went as badly as you thought BUT it seems like you put her on a pedestal, that was your first mistake before the date had even started.

 

It comes from a lack of confidence because you sub consciously think she is better than you and that you're honoured to get the privilege of going out with her rather than seeing her as your equal. Ask her out again, if she says yes just chill out and be yourself and see her as your equal not above your league etc. If she says no theres loads of other women out there!

[LauraXX]

Doesn't sound like a horrible date to me. Best date I had this year was a complete "disaster" because nothing went as planned. But we laughed about it and it somehow took the pressure out off the date. I've also been on very smooth dates that I still didn't enjoy. And her flirty comment in the end suggests that she enjoyed it.

[Gretchen12]

It was your own doing, your games. She canceled so you started ignoring her. You made her feel bad. When she asked to go out, then it was no longer clear if she did it because she's really into you or because she felt bad.

 

Then during the date it seems you were awkward. That in itself is not a big deal. She being on her phone was not a good sign. Then when you knew she had to go, you decided you needed to end it before she does. That's playing more games.

 

Her comment at the end, may be her true feelings that she liked you, or it could be an appeasement to your ending the date. You don't know.

 

How you behaved so far shows you would be difficult in a relationship. Ignoring her, ending the date, these were done to get the upper hand. The other person's reaction is sometimes to appease at first, but often to keep a distance from you because you're difficult.

[hippychick3]

It was your own doing, your games. She canceled so you started ignoring her. You made her feel bad. When she asked to go out, then it was no longer clear if she did it because she's really into you or because she felt bad.

 

Then during the date it seems you were awkward. That in itself is not a big deal. She being on her phone was not a good sign. Then when you knew she had to go, you decided you needed to end it before she does. That's playing more games.

 

Her comment at the end, may be her true feelings that she liked you, or it could be an appeasement to your ending the date. You don't know.

 

How you behaved so far shows you would be difficult in a relationship. Ignoring her, ending the date, these were done to get the upper hand. The other person's reaction is sometimes to appease at first, but often to keep a distance from you because you're difficult.

 

This.

 

All of this game playing shows your lack of confidence and that you're complicated. For those of us with experience we can see right through that, and it's a big turn off. Your pride and ego are getting in the way (ignoring her when she canceled, ending the date before she could). She may or may not be into you. But, you need to relax and chill a bit. So things were a bit awkward with the balls and clothes...so what? Laugh it off and move on. And, no more games.

[PennyGreat]

It was your own doing, your games. She canceled so you started ignoring her. You made her feel bad. When she asked to go out, then it was no longer clear if she did it because she's really into you or because she felt bad.

 

Then during the date it seems you were awkward. That in itself is not a big deal. She being on her phone was not a good sign. Then when you knew she had to go, you decided you needed to end it before she does. That's playing more games.

 

Her comment at the end, may be her true feelings that she liked you, or it could be an appeasement to your ending the date. You don't know.

 

How you behaved so far shows you would be difficult in a relationship. Ignoring her, ending the date, these were done to get the upper hand. The other person's reaction is sometimes to appease at first, but often to keep a distance from you because you're difficult.

 

Actually, I did not ignore her. I accepted politely that she canceled the date and just startes treating her like a regular coworker. I smiled and said hey, but did not initiate a conversation - Idid this because i thought it was over and needed time to accept that. She increased her interactions with me until she invited me out. With the leaving the date after 3 minutes i agree.

 

I sent her a message today where I thanked her for yesterday and asked her how her passion for cooking is. I will try to invite her over to make Dinner some Day, but I dont have high expectations. It is Just so I can know where I stand and accept her as a coworker if she dont feel it. I have been listening to Corey Wayne, he has a lot of cheesy stuff, but i like how he says you should not be Hung up on one woman, chase woman that are not interested and dont make women the Main focus of your live, but something that potentially can enrich it.

[PennyGreat]

Well, it probably wasnt so bad as i thought!

 

I had a text conversation with her that went like this:

 

Me: "Thanks for last night. Are you as passionate for cooking as you are skillful?"

 

Her: "Thank you too:) me and cooking is rearly happening, if I have to, i have to, but i prefer to make desserts. How come? Are we going to have a cooking competition (2 laughing smilies)?"

 

Me: "Kind of! I want to challenge you: I buy in food to a secret dish, the only thing you get to know is that it is either fish or vegan (she dont eat meat). You bring something to drink and we cook it! (wink smiley) If you dare (tounge out smiley)."

 

Her: "I accept the challenge (smiley) But I am a little unsure of i can do it this week or next week. I have already booked my weekends. We have to take it spontanious than if it is ok

 

Me: "I have a pretty tight schedule myself so to take it spontanious is a little difficult. Can you give me a text when you are ready to find a time and then we will fix it? (wink smiley)"?

 

Her: "That is fine. I will of course shot you a text a day before (smiley)".

 

Me: "Thats is fine. Your odds are better the earlier you ask (wink smiley with tounge?"

 

I felt this went pretty well, and she was interested! Do you have any comments?

[Rocker71]

She was looking on her phone and said she had to leave in five minutes to meet a friend.I dont really know how to interprit this.

 

So what did I do wrong?

 

1. I'd be willing to bet the "friend" she was going to meet was the guy she arranged to have sex with after she was done with you for the night.

Sounds like she cut the date short. Hope you didn't put out too much money on her.

 

2. Stop listening to Corey Wayne. Get on YouTube and listen to Tom Leykis. Even if you're looking for more than sex, Tom Leykis gives some accurate insight into what women are thinking in the dating market of 2018. It has helped me tremendously!

 

3. Stop giving a crap. Stop over analyzing. If a woman likes you you will know it without any doubts. It sounds like she sensed you may have been a little put off when she canceled the first date and wanted to smooth things over with you with a pity date. Hence, cutting your date short to go meet her 'friend'.

 

I know what you're going through. I've been there too. When I came out of a relationship I was inexperienced at dating in 2017-2018 too. But through research I've wised up and am having fun. You can too.

[diddilybop]

yeah, i honestly think you're putting way too much focus into this. judging from her texts, she doesn't seem super invested in you. just have fun with it and in the meantime, focus on yourself and be open to meeting other people.

 

also, IMO listening to corey wayne isn't going to help you either. i was actually going to suggest listening to dan savage's podcast - savage lovecast. it's quite a realistic yet fresh perspective on love, sex and dating. you might learn something new.

[ExpatInItaly]

I just don't think this girl is all that interested, OP.

 

Sure, there were some awkward missteps on the date but I'm getting the impression that you are much more into her than she is into you.

 

A girl who is keen on you wouldn't give you a vague "my weekends are booked, so let's be spontaneous"-type response. She would try to arrange something concrete. She's going along with the idea, but she's not that excited by it.

 

Sorry, friend.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Texts are a giveaway that she is not interested. She is keeping you as a back up. An interested girl would want to lock you in ASAP.

[Normm]

She can't give you a date until a week or two from now. Either she's REALLY busy or you are low priority. I wouldn't place too much weight on this going anywhere.