JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I had no idea where to post this. I dated a guy for a couple of months. Nothing serious. He broke it off. After he broke it off he kept saying stupid things that pissed me off. So he has annoyed me to the point that I know he's not boyfriend material unless he miraculously grew into an adult over the past few months. We decided to remain friends. We chat once in a while but I haven't seen him since we broke up. I invited him to my bday party this weekend thinking nothing of it. I casually mentioned it to one of my girlfriends and she said: "if you get drunk and make out with him, it doesn't count!". I told her: I'm not going to make out with him. We both went through a lot of crap to get to the point of friendship and I'd rather not ruin that. Honestly, right now I have no desire to be with anyone. I really am 100% sure that I don't want a relationship right now and I'm not even really interested in a make out session either. I need some time for myself to get my head on straight." To which she responded "wait till you have a few cocktails... you'll want some smooches!" Now I'm concerned. This guy was the best sex I have ever had BY FAR. Am I going to fall back into this? Is he going to expect something?
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Am I going to fall back into this? Is he going to expect something? Don't be friends with an ex-lover unless you have procreated together. No good comes of it. You live in the past with these "friends" relationships and it f***s up your present also because any new lovers won't like you ex hanging around. And anyways, men and women cannot really be true friends. Forget him and move on. And yes, the reason you invited him is cause you do sub-conciously want to get back together with him and he knows it.
Dean3922 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 You know what they say JS, when the drinks flow freely. Many a relationships have nose dived over a cocktail or two. I would advise you to not get intoxicated when he is around so you keep your faculties. You may just remember the great sex and go for it when the mind is a little numb.
Author JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 You know what they say JS, when the drinks flow freely. Many a relationships have nose dived over a cocktail or two. I would advise you to not get intoxicated when he is around so you keep your faculties. You may just remember the great sex and go for it when the mind is a little numb. It's my birthday, I'm drinking!!! But he doesn't drink so maybe that will be my saving grace.
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 But he doesn't drink so maybe that will be my saving grace. I don't think so JS17....see, if I were at my ex's b-day bash and I knew she wanted to hook back up AND that she was drunk then I'd probably take advantage of the situation...
Author JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 I don't think so JS17....see, if I were at my ex's b-day bash and I knew she wanted to hook back up AND that she was drunk then I'd probably take advantage of the situation... I know he would take advantage of the situation, he's a guy, and an immature one at that. He may have a gf for all I know. I have no present relationship and I'm not looking for one. I'm still working all this crap in my head out about my other ex. I definitely don't want to get back together with him. I don't know what "physical activity" would do to our "friendship". I'm going to try to not find out but like Dean said, a couple of drinks and I might just be thinking about the great sex. On the other hand, I'm bullheaded enough to not want to give him the satisfaction of thinking he can have me so that might just be enough to keep me from doing anything stupid. Generally I agree that you shouldn't be friends with your exs but I've seen friendships come out of non-deep relationships and this one was certainly that. I know I can't truly be friends with someone that I was deeply involved with. oh the tangled webs we weave
Art_Critic Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Sounds to me as if you want some stabbing in the cabin.. Alpha is right that you can't be friends with an ex.. But you did only see him a couple of months so the feelings aren't as deep. Get drunk and fu** his socks off.. Just make sure you are up front that you aren't expecting anything but a boinking..
tolongaway Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I noticed that there is not much information about how he reacted to being dumped. Is he clingy, needy etc. Just jumping in the sack with him, if he is still emotionally attached to you, just to get your rocks off seems a bit cold. Then again, if he really isn't that bothered and he is "a guy" then go ahead and both of you enjoy yourselves. I think your own advice was cool though - keep him at a distance and if your being drunk is a worry ask a friend to keep an eye on you.
Dean3922 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Get drunk and fu** his socks off.. Just make sure you are up front that you aren't expecting anything but a boinking.. Right on, Art Critic!!! Use him and abuse him. You get what you want and so does he. Nothing wrong with a little f^cking among "friends". It IS your birthday!!!
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Is he clingy, needy etc. No, I think he broke it off with JS17....most men who are clingy and needy don't break up with their women.
Author JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 I noticed that there is not much information about how he reacted to being dumped. Is he clingy, needy etc. That's because he dumped me and he was pretty damned cold about it although he later apologized and realized he handled it poorly. I forgave him, I was already hung up on one ex, I certainly didn't need to be hung up on another. As long as we're going with pretty euphamisims, I don't really know if hiding the bologna pony is what I really want. For maybe the first time ever, I'm really confused about what I want. I'm usually pretty solid on my opinions and decisions.
AndrewJ Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Js, Just have a great night if something happens so be it! Don't stress it will wreck your night if your worrying about it:laugh:
Author JS17 Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 Thanks team! I've thought about it and realized that it's just not in my nature to have sex outside of a relationship. Then I thought about it some more and decided that maybe it's time to change my nature. So I've basically come to the point of we'll just see what happens. I just don't want to end up getting used. I don't want to find out that the friendship to him was based solely on sex and have him disappear once the deed is done. I lost a friend to this situation once, recently, and it sux when it's someone you trusted.
TUDOR Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Thanks team! I've thought about it and realized that it's just not in my nature to have sex outside of a relationship. Then I thought about it some more and decided that maybe it's time to change my nature. So I've basically come to the point of we'll just see what happens. I just don't want to end up getting used. I don't want to find out that the friendship to him was based solely on sex and have him disappear once the deed is done. I lost a friend to this situation once, recently, and it sux when it's someone you trusted. Come over to the dark side JS17, hence forth you shall be called Darth JS17. Just go have fun and stop over thinking it. The more you think about the sex aspect the quicker you will be getting drunk and trying to get him to tap that @ss! I like the just see what happens approach but keep it honest...don't let your friend fall in love if all you want it is a little b-day fun!
d'Arthez Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I know he would take advantage of the situation, he's a guy, and an immature one at that. He may have a gf for all I know. Eh .. don't overgeneralize to all guys. What you are describing is an immature guy. Now the question I have is not whether or not it is appropriate to have an ex as a friend, but the value of having this particular guy, as a friend, as he lacks the maturity to be a proper friend. At least that is the impression I get from reading your original post. Generally I agree that you shouldn't be friends with your exs but I've seen friendships come out of non-deep relationships and this one was certainly that. I know I can't truly be friends with someone that I was deeply involved with. Makes no sense. If you were deeply involved, it probably would be in a relationship with a guy, who is mature about things; that is, posseses the most important characteristic of a person who may become a friend. Now, there may be perfectly valid reasons to desire or not desire a friendship with such a person. In the case of the relationship you had with this particular ex, the maturity was clearly lacking; and who wants to baby-sit a "friend"?
Author JS17 Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 haha, trust me, he's not going to fall in love with me. He's the one who ended it, remember? But I'm the kind of person that's honest to a fault so he will know what intentions I have as soon as I do. As for the value of having this particular guy as a friend....I think there are different levels of intimacy in friendships and different purposes for different friends. Would I trust him at the same level that I trust my best girlfriends? Absolutely not. Do we have a great time hanging out together and enjoy a lot of the same interests? Definitely. Most of my friends don't enjoy the same kind of music and many of the outdoor activites that he and I both like so why not enjoy those things together. I don't see us ever having a deep relationship but we have always gotten along so well and have tons of fun together. I believe that he is immature but I haven't quite figured out how much of what I've written off as immaturity is damage from his last relationship. Regardless, it doesn't work for me in a romantic relationship. As for being friends with an ex, I can only speak for myself, but when I have a deep relationship that ends the feelings never fully go away. Spending time with this person opens up a lot within myself that was difficult to close upon the breakup and should remain closed once I have achieved that level. They may be a "better" person as you suggested but don't you think that only makes it hurt more? I don't think there's anything wrong after both have truly moved on with lightly keeping in touch but I can't truly be friends with these men. When I date someone that I did not have a deep involvement with, my feelings werent that strong and thus far easier to turn off.
AndrewJ Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 js, If you enjoy each others company, maybee the freindship thing will workout. You both enjoy doing things together and u say that u feel deep enough to reopen yourself. Maybee u2 have grown as u said well go for it
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I think its possible that you can have a plantonic relationship with him. If he expects something that of cousrse, he didn't just want to be your friend. Hopefully you didn't fall for him again in that time. My BF is BEST FRIENDS with is ex. Totally platonic. They do everything together. And I'm totally ok with it. Many people tell me that "Oh he's hooking up with her" I know he's not. He loves me and Im secure with that. We all hang out and its fun. But if you see any signs that he just wants to get in your pants, then get out now before you fall again and start the chirade all over again!
alphamale Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 As for being friends with an ex, I can only speak for myself, but when I have a deep relationship that ends the feelings never fully go away. I've banged probably 40 women in my time. Of those 40 I'd say about 10 I had "deep" feelings for or was in love with. To this day I have never stayed "friends" with a woman I f***ed in any capacity. I don't believe in it and I think it is unnatural and immoral.... A number of those women I ended up leaving, a few dumped me and some were one-nighters. Either way I have no desire whatsoever to be friends with them. None at all. Usaually the woman will ask me to be "friends" and I just tell them it is my personal policy to not do that and most understand. I cannot be friends with a woman who at one time had my cock shoved in her mouth
Author JS17 Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 I think its possible that you can have a plantonic relationship with him. Yes, I believe we can as well. My concern is if we cross that physical line. I cannot be friends with a woman who at one time had my cock shoved in her mouth Well Alpha, what can I say? You're just a "special" person.
Author JS17 Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 He told me originally when I invited him that he had plans for that night but that he would be there if he could get out of them.I was kind of relieved that he probably wasn't coming because I might have felt uncomfortable talking to new guys infront of him. I honestly didn't care if he came or not and I really didn't have any intention of anything happening between the two of us despite the rest of this thread. He didn't come to the party and I really didn't care. I was kind of feeling like I wanted to drop him anyway. Then we started casual emailing, started by him, catching up but I felt like he was purposely hiding things. I don't know what or who he was doing, nor do I really care, but I feel like if he was really trying to be friends he would just tell me. I feel like he's not really being a friend and I don't understand what he's doing. He says he wants to be friends and keeps contacting me even when I stop contacting him but then he pulls crap like this and it's upsetting. I know I need to drop him but I was still hoping to get some insight into what the heck he wants.
alphamale Posted September 19, 2005 Posted September 19, 2005 I know I need to drop him but I was still hoping to get some insight into what the heck he wants. I can tell you from a man's point-of-view.... he knows you still have feelings for him and he knows that he is in the power position here. He wants to string you along as a "back up" just in case his current plans don't work out. He want to keep you in the background and keep your hopes up so that if in the future he wants to hook back up then he can. I suggest you have no communication with hims whatsoever but that is obviously your choice in the end... good luck alpha
Author JS17 Posted September 19, 2005 Author Posted September 19, 2005 I can tell you from a man's point-of-view.... he knows you still have feelings for him and he knows that he is in the power position here. He wants to string you along as a "back up" just in case his current plans don't work out. He want to keep you in the background and keep your hopes up so that if in the future he wants to hook back up then he can. I suggest you have no communication with hims whatsoever but that is obviously your choice in the end... good luck alpha Thanks alpha. That's kind of what I was thinking but I needed someone looking in from the outside to tell me that. I'm going to cut contact with him, I don't have any "romantic" feelings left for him so it's probably best that way.
Author JS17 Posted September 20, 2005 Author Posted September 20, 2005 He just "accidentally" sent me an email that he didn't mean to. So it turns out he is single, he just ditched my party, and a chick is hitting on him. Ain't love grand
alphamale Posted September 20, 2005 Posted September 20, 2005 He just "accidentally" sent me an email that he didn't mean to. what's to keep you from "accidentally" deleting it before you open it?
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