SuV1989 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Hi all, im from Germany, so apologies for my English. There is something I don't understand and keep analyzing over, so thought maybe you can help me with all your break up knowledge My situation: we broke up 8 months ago. Or she, as I was the dumpee. I'm still miss her, but also understand what went wrong and what my part in our breakup is. She said she felt less for me because of some irritations on her side, but didn't discuss that with me, so the breakup was completely out of the blue. Felt like I didn't had a chance to do something about it. Now, after 8 months of almost only being in NC (I have to admit, I begged in the first weeks after the breakup and I heavily regret this now), I tried to open the lines of communication, to see if we can start a friendship. After 6 months we saw each other again and had a walk in the park. She knows Im doing well and rebuilt my life again. However, now she indicates that contact is still too difficult for her. How can that be, if she lost all her feelings for me and we are already 8 months later? Shouldn't she be indifferent then? Shouldnt i be the one who thinks it's difficult? It really confuses me. Any viewpoints from 'other dumpers' who can clarify it a bit for me?
salparadise Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 I was blind-sided a couple of years ago as well. I spent a lot of energy trying to understand exactly how and why it happened... how I could've been so naive as to believe that her attachment and dedication were equal to mine, etc., etc. It's impossible to not ask such questions, but it's not very productive. Eventually you'll have to arrive at a place of acceptance, that you will probably never know. In your case, she's saying that it's too difficult for her. Well, perhaps there is an element of truth there, but I'd say it's equally likely that she simply doesn't have any further use for you, and this is a kinder, gentler way of telling you to please just go away. Some women (and men I presume) prefer to cut the cord completely and permanently after a relationship ends. As for a woman's motivation for out of the blue, blindsided breakups... I've done quite a bit of thinking on that topic too. My conclusion is that nobody loses deep feelings of attachment, affection and devotion to a romantic partner in an instant. Therefore, it's either that they had been divesting for some time and forgot to mention it, or they were pretending and were never really attached in that way to begin with. Infatuation may end quickly and easily I think, and many short-lived relationships are probably based on early infatuation that never develops into deeper attachment. Some people just aren't capable of deeper attachment to a person, and for them infatuation is all they know... it's the closest thing to love that they can experience. And sometimes they continue the charade of deeper affection and attachment until the infatuation vanishes and there is nothing left, zero. And one day they seemingly become someone completely different; the person you thought you could depend on has no further use for you. Done. 1
Author SuV1989 Posted December 2, 2018 Author Posted December 2, 2018 Thanks a lot for your help. She said she needs more time. I believed her but your reaction makes me doubt her answer.. I'm thinking about asking her to be really honest with me. I'm not weak, I can handle rejection. I don't want to wait, if she already knows that she doesn't ever want to see me anymore.
stillafool Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Even though exes say let's be friends they really don't mean it. Especially if they are the ones to called for a break. It is said to ease the rejection the dumpee feels by the break up. It is not a good idea to try to remain friends because usually the dumpee still has feelings for the dumper. The dumper just wants to be free. They do not feel comfortable telling an ex about the new people the are dating which you usually discuss with friends. It's best for the dumpee to just move on especially after 8 months. Why do you need to be her friend?
Garcon1986 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Herzlich wilkommen in Loveshack mein freund. Can you maybe think back to the days that she expressed things she was annoyed about? This maybe can give us some information on what lead up to the breakup. Otherwise, it may be as simple and as harsh as she found someone she thinks is more interesting.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Now, after 8 months of almost only being in NC (I have to admit, I begged in the first weeks after the breakup and I heavily regret this now), I tried to open the lines of communication, to see if we can start a friendship. After 6 months we saw each other again and had a walk in the park. She knows Im doing well and rebuilt my life again. However, now she indicates that contact is still too difficult for her. How can that be, if she lost all her feelings for me and we are already 8 months later? Shouldn't she be indifferent then? Shouldnt i be the one who thinks it's difficult? It really confuses me. Any viewpoints from 'other dumpers' who can clarify it a bit for me? She is probably trying to gently turn you away, to be honest. I doubt it's emotionally difficult on her to see you, but rather she feels badly that you obviously still have feelings while hers aren't there anymore. She doesn't know how to be direct and tell you she doesn't want to reconnect.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 2, 2018 Author Posted December 2, 2018 Danke Schon, you all Why I want to be friends with her? Because I don't start relationships with random people, but with people I think are special. And even though she broke up with me, I still think she is a special person. It would be sad if she would be out of my life completely. If she doesn't want to be in, I will accept it, but I don't understand her point of view now actually. What led to the breakup.. There have been some things going on in my life, that led to a lot of stress on my side. She bottled up her feelings, didn't tell me about it, I didn't see it, and that was it. I admit I have my faults in the relationship. But I have always loved her and never wanted to hurt her. Even though I was busy with myself, I have always cared for her and be the best boyfriend I could. I wished I deserved honesty on her side for that.
Garcon1986 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 She is in the wrong for bottling up her feelings, however you will find that as you date more and more, women in general find it difficult or out of their comfort zone to be as direct as men, because they fear a certain degree of retaliation (every woman has heard of a story of domestic abuse). So, it's the same as if I told you to move to China, and start a new life and get a job - it would make you uncomfortable. She just told you she doesn't want you anymore in the gentlest way she could think of. I've been rejected hundreds of times, so now my practice is to take myself and run the other way, and don't look at that woman again. It was painful the first few hundred times I did it, but now I'm emotionally much more proficient at letting go of women. The sad reality of dating is that when we choose to date, we also sign on the bottom line that we hold harmless and indemnify, the woman we are dating, for any responsibility of causing emotional distress or trauma to us. The best thing here is to remember the things you did that annoyed her, and think about better ways to handle those situations in the future.
Garcon1986 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Trinken wir zu viel, dann sterben wir – trinken wir nichts, dann sterben wir, also trinken wir
elaine567 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 She knows Im doing well and rebuilt my life again. However, now she indicates that contact is still too difficult for her. How can that be, if she lost all her feelings for me and we are already 8 months later? Shouldn't she be indifferent then? Shouldnt i be the one who thinks it's difficult? It really confuses me. Any viewpoints from 'other dumpers' who can clarify it a bit for me? I am not sure why you would want a friendship with someone who dumped you, but as you do, then I guess how she felt ie irritated and annoyed with you has not disappeared in the time you have been apart. People tend not to forget. They remember every time they felt hurt neglected, upset, angry... etc. So when they decide to split up it is a big deal. Showing up 6 months later expecting a clean slate is being a tad over optimistic. It is the dumper who is usually in the driving seat, taking it upon yourself as the dumpee to "be friends", is probably a step too far and may indeed rankle. It was her decision to break up and stay clear, seems little has changed on her end anyway. Look I am very sorry you are missing her but we only often get one shot at getting it right. Getting distracted with one's own issues and neglecting a partner is often the death knell to a relationship. Relationships need tended to and nurtured, left to their own devices they fall apart and die. Assuming she will love you forever no matter what is a big mistake. Let her go but with your next gf, keep more focussed. 1
stillafool Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Danke Schon, you all Why I want to be friends with her? Because I don't start relationships with random people, but with people I think are special. And even though she broke up with me, I still think she is a special person. It would be sad if she would be out of my life completely. If she doesn't want to be in, I will accept it, but I don't understand her point of view now actually. What led to the breakup.. There have been some things going on in my life, that led to a lot of stress on my side. She bottled up her feelings, didn't tell me about it, I didn't see it, and that was it. I admit I have my faults in the relationship. But I have always loved her and never wanted to hurt her. Even though I was busy with myself, I have always cared for her and be the best boyfriend I could. I wished I deserved honesty on her side for that. Just because you may still want to be friends with her doesn't mean she now wants to be one of your buds. She probably feels that you are not over her and she doesn't want to have you around because she is seeing other guys. It's awkward and uncomfortable. In my past whether I was the dumper or dumpee it's over when one of us said so and I had no desire to morph into some kind of fake friendship. Unless there are kids involved it is best to break and let sleeping dogs lie.
preraph Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 She just doesn't want to. It doesn't feel right to her. So now it's time to just let it go and move on.
guest569 Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 6 months is not that long in the scheme of things. When you say she 'felt less' for you, I'm not sure what that means. But personally, as the dumper, my feelings don't vanish into thin air just because we broke up. It would still be hurtful, upsetting, awkward and weird if I were to hang out with my ex now. In my case, I broke it off because of things he did that upset me, but I still have feelings and wanted things to work. I'm not sure if there are any similarities there. While I didn't keep things bottled up, I spoke about the issues when they arose, and during the breakup I did not feel the need to talk about the bad things over again because I didn't want to make him feel bad or seem like I am blaming him in some way. Sometimes the less said, the better.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 Well, I didn't neglect her during the relationship, that's a bridge too far. Also she was the one who took the initiative to meet the last time, not me. I haven't been sad or anything during the meetup. You are probably right, she isn't honest I just don't understand why you wouldn't be to someone you have been with a few years.
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 here have been some things going on in my life, that led to a lot of stress on my side. She bottled up her feelings, didn't tell me about it, I didn't see it, and that was it. ...I was busy with myself... Neglect. You were just too busy dealing with our own life, to see the effect you were having on her. When one partner is too engrossed in themselves, the other is left to their own devices. The bond that holds them together weakens and weakens until the "neglected" partner feels they are better off on their own, which is I guess what happened here.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 Neglect. You were just too busy dealing with our own life, to see the effect you were having on her. When one partner is too engrossed in themselves, the other is left to their own devices. The bond that holds them together weakens and weakens until the "neglected" partner feels they are better off on their own, which is I guess what happened here. Of course, I know I could have done better. I have heavily regretted that and have beaten up myself in the past 8 months for that. But I never wanted to do her any wrong. And, also, I would have never left her. I know I have made mistakes, please believe me.
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 Of course, I know I could have done better. I have heavily regretted that and have beaten up myself in the past 8 months for that. But I never wanted to do her any wrong. And, also, I would have never left her. I know I have made mistakes, please believe me. Stop beating yourself up, you didn't deliberately do this, we all make mistakes, relationships are not easy. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and carry on. I always found out of sight out of mind is a great help, so just let her go. I also used to get myself into the mindset of "It would never have worked anyway, due to x y and z", and that I found was also of some comfort.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 Thanks, Elaine. I have been thinking about that the past months. I didn't have any problems with her or the relationship, but I'm heavily disappointed that she completely blindsided me. Didnt had the courage to talk about it. And I would be even more disappointed if she still wouldn't be honest at this point in time
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 Thanks, Elaine. I have been thinking about that the past months. I didn't have any problems with her or the relationship, but I'm heavily disappointed that she completely blindsided me. Didnt had the courage to talk about it. And I would be even more disappointed if she still wouldn't be honest at this point in time The relationship is dead, there is no further need to pick over the bones. Close the case and move on.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 I think that sounds pretty cold, especially when it is happening to you. But I know it's the truth. Thanks anyway.
elaine567 Posted December 3, 2018 Posted December 3, 2018 I think that sounds pretty cold, especially when it is happening to you. But I know it's the truth. Thanks anyway. Yes, reading it back it does sound a bit cold and harsh, sorry. However, the sooner you realise it is gone, dead and buried, the sooner you can get on with living a better and happier life. Life is too short to live in limbo on what ifs, maybes and regrets.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 Yes, reading it back it does sound a bit cold and harsh, sorry. However, the sooner you realise it is gone, dead and buried, the sooner you can get on with living a better and happier life. Life is too short to live in limbo on what ifs, maybes and regrets. No worries Elaine, I know it's the truth and I can better face it . Thanks for your help.
Author SuV1989 Posted December 9, 2018 Author Posted December 9, 2018 Had another very short talk with her. She is still hurt and does her best not to think about me. She was the one who didn't give me a single choice to fix things, so she must have been very sure about her decision. Now, 8 months later, she is still hurt? She had a lot of time to come to terms with it if she knows its for the best. Well, at least I'm finally angry.
salparadise Posted December 9, 2018 Posted December 9, 2018 Had another very short talk with her. She is still hurt and does her best not to think about me. She was the one who didn't give me a single choice to fix things, so she must have been very sure about her decision. Now, 8 months later, she is still hurt? She had a lot of time to come to terms with it if she knows its for the best. Well, at least I'm finally angry. Yea, angry is probably a good progression for you. This is a person who took your sincere feelings and vulnerability and stomped them like they were insignificant... and then claims to be hurt. Pfffft. She just doesn't want to be perceived as callous and uncaring. This is disingenuous. You need to quit idealizing this woman and focus on how incongruent her words and actions are. It's time to move on. It takes time. Focusing one her faults helps to bring her down from the pedestal. 1
Author SuV1989 Posted December 10, 2018 Author Posted December 10, 2018 Yea, angry is probably a good progression for you. This is a person who took your sincere feelings and vulnerability and stomped them like they were insignificant... and then claims to be hurt. Pfffft. She just doesn't want to be perceived as callous and uncaring. This is disingenuous. You need to quit idealizing this woman and focus on how incongruent her words and actions are. It's time to move on. It takes time. Focusing one her faults helps to bring her down from the pedestal. Thanks. Do you think it's just a lie? I've asked her to tell the truth. I just can't understand why it would be difficult for her if she was so sure about her decision. I haven't asked her to take me bang or anything.
Recommended Posts