Logo Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 As everyone who’s wanting a long term relationship knows, you got to be selective otherwise you’d be wasting your time and your date’s time. So far so good. But lately when I go on a date I tend to focus on what the end result is going to be and how I can get positive results. Even before meeting the person, I start thinking is she going to like me? Am I going to like her? Am I going to find her attractive? What if everything is going well, what am I going to say or do at the end of the date? Gosh, it would be nice to kiss her. It’s been a while since I’ve been with a woman. What if I’m not sure? How do I give myself the space to go home and reflect but keep her interested without leaving her feeling rejected? All these thoughts swirl in my head so by the time I meet her, I’m not in the present, I’m somewhere else thinking about this and that. What can I tell her that would make her laugh? What can I tell her to raise the odds of us clicking? I really hope she’s the one. It sure would be nice if she’s the one. So much noise up here.
snowcones Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 As everyone who’s wanting a long term relationship knows, you got to be selective otherwise you’d be wasting your time and your date’s time. So far so good. But lately when I go on a date I tend to focus on what the end result is going to be and how I can get positive results. Even before meeting the person, I start thinking is she going to like me? Am I going to like her? Am I going to find her attractive? What if everything is going well, what am I going to say or do at the end of the date? Gosh, it would be nice to kiss her. It’s been a while since I’ve been with a woman. What if I’m not sure? How do I give myself the space to go home and reflect but keep her interested without leaving her feeling rejected? All these thoughts swirl in my head so by the time I meet her, I’m not in the present, I’m somewhere else thinking about this and that. What can I tell her that would make her laugh? What can I tell her to raise the odds of us clicking? I really hope she’s the one. It sure would be nice if she’s the one. So much noise up here. I wonder if this is a man thing? I hope more men chime in to answer because I am curious. Maybe because men are typically the pursuer or maybe because men are typically more left-brained and analytical? Just making guesses. I am a woman and I don't do too much thinking and analyzing before a first date, I just go on my feelings and hope. I keep an open mind and like to just see what happens. I am typically positive before a first date. What I am guilty of is over-analyzing after the first date and especially so as things progress in the relationship. It may just be my experience, but this seems to be in stark contrast to the men I've been involved with. As things progress, the guy becomes more comfortable and sure and I become less comfortable and unsure. I hate it, it really sucks.
d0nnivain Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 When you have the thoughts answer them positively in the moment with a response that puts you in the present Keep reminding yourself not to put too much pressure on yourself; dates are for getting to know someone and all you have to figure out right now is if you want a 2nd / 3rd date. Take a deep breath then try to refocus your mind on something else. Do remind yourself not to get ahead of yourself
chillii Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 l've never bothered really dating as they call it round here. Before l was married l just met gf's in RL so l wouldn't even start seeing them if l wasn't already right into them and thought them me. lf l didn't see a future l never wasted my time even talking to them in the first place , well not in that way. Later married , then not , and there's a new crazy world of date sites. And when l was ready , l joined one , but l was still very very choosy , talked to a lot out of boredom mostly. But l only bothered to meet a few and that was only because they were the only ones where l could see the same things l'd look for way back in my 20s. lf they weren't what l was looking for l didn't waste my time meeting them. So when l did , there wasn't much to think about with all that , the only thing left was to see if it was still there in person , or not. And that l'd know in 2 seconds as soon as l laid eyes on them anyway , so really , it was pretty cut and dry. There was only one l had to do some kind of thinking about . l really liked her look, that's rare, and l think her me , and we got along all just the same as we had been in mail and phone,really well, it was all still there person, but we didn't really want the same things in life, we lived differently. So it left me thinking sure her too that here we were everything was really , really hard to find nice, but we were at the same time totally different. So it was still really tempting to try it , spend some time together . But l ended up thinking well there's really not much point, we want totally different things. So we left it there but it was a hard decision .
Gaeta Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 It's good to have a couple of mantra that you repeat to yourself. When I get anxious on my way somewhere I repeat to myself *I have no control over the outcome* and once in the event I repeat to myself *stay in the moment*, *stay in the moment*, *stay in the moment*.....You don't have to figure out a special sentence or a special way of being, you already have it all in you, you simply need to relax and remain in the moment especially when she speaks to you.
Gretchen12 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Yeah must be a man thing. Men believe the outcome depends on what they DO, because they are doers. If you just LOOK good and not be rude, you'll be given more leeway and more chances. Consider your hair, clothing.
smackie9 Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Change your perspective. Before the date I used dress as cute as possible, think of all the ways I can flirt, and figure out which funny stories to bring up, go over things he would like to talk about, look forward to kissing them if things turn out right...just thinking positive all the way. And that's the key right there, being positive, and confident.
Lotsgoingon Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Really for a date, you just want to show up. Just show up ... and let go. All your worry about the right lines ... forget all that ... if you want to prep anything, start to think about what your interests are, what your hobbies are ... what your favorite movies are ... But you don't even need to do that. Basically just show up ... chemistry is at least 50 percent out of your control. You cannot make a date great ... If the date is to be a successful, it is because the other person shows deep interest in you and helps the date along and just likes you. The right date will actually soothe your nervousness ... Your agenda for a date: figure out if you like this person enough to ask them out on a second date. The way you seem to be thinking now ... let me guess: you're hoping for a second date with EVERY person you go out with. The main think I try to avoid is showing up for a date when I'm really exhausted or coming off of a period of bad sleep ... Because when I'm exhausted, then none of my reactions are sharp ... And my exhausted energy just bleeds through. Other than something like that, just show up.
Author Logo Posted December 3, 2018 Author Posted December 3, 2018 Thanks for all the encouragement and support. I'm starting to look at things differently. I think what happens sometimes is that we (I) get to that point where I ask myself, why is it so hard? But in past relationships, when things worked out, they just did. I didn't have to overthink everything and sometimes all it takes is a reminder from a few good people.
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