violetta612 Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 I have recently gotten into a new relationship. This guy is amazing. I genuinely don't think I've ever met someone so kind hearted and respectful, and I realize I am so lucky. But I occasionally think of my ex. It sucks because my ex is literally the worst kind of guy I've ever met. Not in the way of, oh he broke my heart or cheated or anything, but in the way of, when I REALLY look back I realize he never really listened to what I was saying, only ever wanted to talk when he was down or he wanted sexual favors, and truly just didn't give a **** about getting to know me and to sum it up best just used me. I have this amazing guy in my life now, and I'm still thinking of a guy who was just not a good person at all. I'm sure this will pass, but it sucks. Any words of encouragement or similar stories you lovely people could share with me. Thanks guys.
elaine567 Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 What kind of environment did you grow up in as a child? A kind and respectful one or one where you were never listened to, were disrespected and used?
Author violetta612 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Posted November 30, 2018 I grew up in a great environment. I have a very close relationship with my parents still. I am 22.
central Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 It sounds like the ex was exciting. This guy is too nice to be exciting, but since he is great in many ways, you'll probably stay with him. If he knew you didn't find him exciting, would he be okay with that? Bottom line, how is the passion and sex with the new guy versus the ex?
Author violetta612 Posted November 30, 2018 Author Posted November 30, 2018 We have not had sex yet. But, I do not feel as if he is boring. More so very adventurous and outgoing, which I love.
stillafool Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 I've noticed a lot of younger women forego the good guy and would rather have a guy who is emotionally unavailable or treats them like dirt. Those seem to be the ones they fall in love with. I don't know how these women ended up having such low self esteem. You are not different than the others. You like what you like so you may as well stand in line with the rest of them to compete for these loser men. Good luck.
olivetree Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Regardless of what kind of man your ex was, you were emotionally attached to him. And that feeling of wanting more from someone who doesn't give you enough can be very powerful. Even though you describe him as the worst, I'm sure there were things you liked about him too. It will fade with time and as you become more attached to this new man. How long has it been since you broke up?
Lotsgoingon Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 Of course, you're thinking of your ex ... the goodness of your present relationship stuns you into memories of how bad the past one was. Most likely your fun time with this new guy has been such a contrast with your misery with the previous guy that you now probably think previous guy was worse than you imagined. One result of staying in a bad relationship (and maybe a cause as well) is that we minimize the pain ... we minimize the problems ... and we begin to think oh x problem is inherent to relationships ... him doing X to me ... is "normal." But now with new guy you have first-hand evidence that all that bad treatment wasn't "normal." ... and for one, you're probably relieved. I remember the first woman I dated after a disaster ... OMG, I didn't know a person could be so kind and open! You might need to tell your current bf about this at some point. I'm sure it'll come up ... Ideally, you want to have processed this with friends ... so that current bf would get a more refined version of your bf disaster. But disaster discussions come up over time in new relationships. Bottom line: you're not a robot ... and you can contemplate a previous disaster and enjoy a present relationship at the same time ... Contemplating and processing does not mean getting lost in bitterness or lost in the past. It's a natural part of life, and if we don't look back, we miss key opportunities to learn (like in your case, what red flags did you miss? ... or where could you have stood up for yourself better or more quickly?). And there is some soothing and relief just from being out of that black hole we were in. Call some of your friends and go out for a beer or whatever talk about previous guy and new guy. Give yourself hours of time ... and process it ... Meet with the smartest & most insightful and compassionate people you know ... rinse and repeat. Good luck.
ExpatInItaly Posted December 2, 2018 Posted December 2, 2018 How long ago did you and your ex break up?
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