ctwatlanta Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 So, I've been single almost a year as well as her. I'm in my 40's and she is in her 30's. We both have 2 kids approx the same age. We met on a dating website and literally spoke every single day the past month...sometimes several times per day. She sent me "Good morning" messages every single morning, and always a picture of herself in the car on the way to work. We would text back/forth several times during the day and speak over the phone at night...typically followed up with a good night picture from her (sometimes provocative!). We had our first date about a week ago and it went fantastic. It was very laid back...just drinks and small talk with a kiss at the end. She immediately followed up after the date with a big thank you note and said she couldn't wait to see me again. So.... Since the date went so great and we talked nonstop every day I went out of my way to plan a big weekend together at winery, etc. We arranged our schedules with kids to spend the weekend together. We spoke about it every day this week and she told me how excited she was, etc. Well, this evening I got a text that just knocked the wind out of my sail. It was rather long, but in summary she decided she wasn't over her ex that she'd dated for year and broke up with earlier this year. She said they see each other at work (which I had no idea) and wants to work things out with him...and she said she was sorry & goodbye. I thought to myself, "WTF?!?!" I bit my lip and kept my cool, and responded with, "No worry at all. Good luck!". That was it! The chances she and her ex will work out are probably slim to zero. We've all been there and those things rarely ever work out. That said, if I do hear from her again what do you think I should say or do? My gut tells me to tell her that she lost her shot and to screw off. I don't know why I'm posting...just hurt a bit. I guess I'm just looking for answers, but I know there aren't any. I just got my feelings hurt and got my hopes up pretty high for this girl as it went so well...and then BAM! Thanks for letting me air my busted ego and slightly hurt heart.
GinON Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Dont beat yourself up for feeling hurt. I would ease up on the texty thing in the future and build a relationship on personal contact. Like too many of us men, I suspect you had your life planned out with her with a lot of long term expectations. Its a normal thing that some of us do, but women, for the most part, apparently just take a long time to commit or get deep feelings for us. Take your time, dont rush the relationship with phone calls and texts! Spend your time in person, let it simmer. This gets the anticipation up, but also prevents you from over-committing and getting hurt as badly. So if she comes back to you, she gets to do more of the pursuing and you get to be nice and understanding if you want to let her back in. Otherwise you handled the exit better than I would have. Dont put all your eggs in one basket, even though its tempting! Date a few women casually if that's acceptable to you.
Simple Logic Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Really hard to speculate if you will ever hear from her again, but I suspect you will not. She know she screwed you over.
bathtub-row Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Wow. I don’t know why people do that but it seems to be a common thread on this site about people going back to their ex’s. I just don’t get that. Well, I’m sorry that happened to you but I think the thing that stood out the most to me is all the non-personal contact before really getting to know one another in real life. That never seems to work out well. So, I guess if there’s a lesson to be learned here, that would be it. There really is something to be said about the way people dated before technology invaded our lives. And I do think that when it all falls apart with the ex and if she contacts you again, you should tell her she lost her chance. There’s another guy on this site who dated someone, they broke up because she went back to her ex, then she came back, they dated for 4 mos, and guess what? She went back to her ex again. I think once someone does that the first time, it’s game over.
SevenCity Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Your gut is correct and you should always listen to it. Don’t be a woman’s second choice and keep your options open by seeing other women until one proves she is worth commitment.
d0nnivain Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 It's not you. It's her. That is a cliché for a reason; it's usually true. She made her choice. Assume she won't come back. Live your life accordingly. If she coms back assess whether you trust her at that point & whether you are even still available. By then you may have found the woman of your dreams.
Cersei Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Oh boy. Sorry to hear this has happened to you. I doubt you will hear back from her. You should not want her to reach out. She sounds kind of cruel. Get yourself out and keep dating other people. Going forward try to slow things down. As a second date keep no need to go out of town together. It's hard not to get wrapped up in the excitement but slow down! (Me pot, kettle black)
PRW Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 (edited) We met on a dating website and literally spoke every single day the past month...sometimes several times per day. She sent me "Good morning" messages every single morning, and always a picture of herself in the car on the way to work. We would text back/forth several times during the day and speak over the phone at night...typically followed up with a good night picture from her (sometimes provocative!)......then.... So.... Since the date went so great and we talked nonstop every day I went out of my way to plan a big weekend together at winery, etc. We arranged our schedules with kids to spend the weekend together. We spoke about it every day this week and she told me how excited she was, etc.You talk like those are good things. They are not. This is classic over-persuading, over-communicating,...pretty much "too much of everything". A lot of times it is just the guy doing this, but in this case both of you were guilty of it. One real key that you missed in this was that it took over a month to ever get to the first date,...it should have been almost immediately after the first few messages were traded. Then immediately after the first date you are acting like you are practically married and planning the new baby names. Well, this evening I got a text that just knocked the wind out of my sail. It was rather long, but in summary she decided she wasn't over her ex This is exactly where this kind of stuff ends up. The "not over the ex" is just a classic excuse, it means nothing,...other than she woke up one morning and realized how out of control all of this is,...and ran from it. Edited November 30, 2018 by PRW
Author ctwatlanta Posted November 30, 2018 Author Posted November 30, 2018 Yeah...I don't disagree with what you guys said. I have been dating several women but nothing serious. I go out on dates at least every other week and have fun, but there hadn't been that "click" when you know you're excited about someone. Then I met this woman and we "clicked". It's hard not to want to slow down when the other person seems just as into you as you are them...ya know? She was texting and calling me every single day and I was genuinely excited each time. I looked back and we actually had our first date after 2 weeks...so not a month. It just seemed like it was longer. After our first date we had Thanksgiving the 3rd week so she was out of town and I was, too. So, we planned our second date for something a bit more grand...going to winery and spending the weekend together to really spend quality time together. I don't regret that decision and still think it was the right one. It was her suggestion and she was super excited about it. She talked about the clothes she was packing, the winery, the wines, etc. I've been bull****ted before and I know bull**** when I smell it...she wasn't bull****ting. She was genuinely excited about the weekend. However, for some reason she threw me a left-hook last night with the text that I literally did not see coming! There are usually red flags or something to give you some indication that the ex is still lurking around, but this one was a blindsided knockout blow. I don't get why dumbass people go back to Ex's. I don't do that crap because you broke up for a reason the 1st time! The holidays do this crap to people...they start having memories about the ex and get all sappy and think that it will be "different" this time around so let me give it another shot. It never works out... Thanks guys...I really do appreciate the advice.
PRW Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Yeah...I don't disagree with what you guys said. I have been dating several women but nothing serious. I go out on dates at least every other week and have fun, but there hadn't been that "click" when you know you're excited about someone. Then I met this woman and we "clicked". Then you need to stop "clicking" and start dating with thoughtfulness and a watchful eye as to what is going on. It's hard not to want to slow down when the other person seems just as into you as you are them...ya know? She was texting and calling me every single day and I was genuinely excited each time. It is not hard at all when you know and understand what a red flag looks like when you are looking right at it. I don't get why dumbass people go back to Ex's. Doubtful she is going back to her ex. It is just a BS excuse that 75% of the women who drop guys will tell the guy. It is an easy excuse to come up with when the girl doesn't quite know how to put into words the feeling that she has when she realizes that something just isn't quite right,...that something is a little off. Also keep in mind that when a woman talks to you about her Ex,...it doesn't matter if what she is saying about him is positive or negative, the important thing to take note of is that she is telling you that the Ex exists,...he is "out there". This is her escape hatch,...her ejection seat. At any point along that way she can just say that she was talking to her Ex and she wants to "see where it will go". Since she already pre-warned you that the Ex is out there it makes logical sense in your mind that she could be going back to her Ex.
smackie9 Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 This is what you never do...talk for weeks before meeting. This is where you get yourself so involved/worked up emotionally, it's hard to take what could happen...being dumped abruptly. make it short and sweet...a couple of messages, meet for coffee, maybe have a dinner date, and if she says blah blah blah sorry, you haven't invested enough to make a worry out of it. We can only guess what happened. It could be the ex catching wind she has met someone, forcing him to make a move on her again out of jealousy or whatever. Kinda sucks she never really mentioned anything about the ex working with her....that's a red flag in both directions. Oh well you learn from each experience. If she does come around, you will know how you feel about it at that time whether you want to try again or not.
kendahke Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 Somehow, word got back to her ex at work that she is seeing someone: could have been her saying something, could have been one of her buddies taking a conversation to him to spark some jealousy; and because she wasn't really ready to move on--she just wanted to be distracted--her ex can come back and push her familiar buttons. I wouldn't be around--she's already made her choice and it wasn't you. There is no point in being available to her, so put her on block, unless you just want to dial it down to base and use her for sex.
kendahke Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 I don't get why dumbass people go back to Ex's. I don't do that crap That said, if I do hear from her again what do you think I should say or do? Don't go back. She's now your ex.
Art_Critic Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 IMO this is what you call dodging a bullet... in the end she would have let you down somehow... If it's really true that she is going back to her ex that alone shows you she is broken.. who starts dating and then does that... or she pulled that out as an excuse in order to help you move on faster.. Either way... it wasn't going to work..
olivetree Posted November 30, 2018 Posted November 30, 2018 If it's really true that she is going back to her ex that alone shows you she is broken.. who starts dating and then does that... Humans do. I'd believe her, and it's pretty common. Try not to take it personally. You could objectively be the better choice but if her heart is elsewhere, you don't stand a chance.
Art_Critic Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Try not to take it personally. It is personal.. so it's hard to not take it that way... When I was dating I had seen people using OLD to just kill time, to not be lonely.. that in itself isn't the best foot forward, hence the dodging a bullet since she was broken anyhow and not emotionally available. Of course she is human.. so is he...
carhill Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Back when dealing with all this stuff I finally made a choice to fuggetabout dating during the holidays and spent them with family (while alive) and friends or by myself. That human-personal thing was not reconcilable with the humans I was running into so found a different path, one that's served well over the decades. One marked departure was spending one wonderful holiday season in Eastern Europe, celebrating both western and Georgian calendars. The ladies and the adventures were memories for a lifetime. Anyway, sorry for your experience we've all been there, my adventure started with a similar getting dumped at the last minute just as I was leaving on 16 hour air journey. What a scramble. Funny looking back on it. Something to tell your grandkids about.
BMWN52 Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Georgia as the republic of Georgia? I've dated a gal from Georgia also here in the U.S., didn't end well for me either. Long drive home with my tail between my legs lol.
carhill Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Ukraine and Russia about five years post-Communism. Think Dr. Zhivago in the brave new capitalistic world. OP, after awhile you'll develop a sense of humor about this stuff. I ran into it a lot in my 30's but having been single a lot coping mechanisms were developed. Big difference from if you were long married and then dumped into the rough and tumble dating world. That could be shocking!
BMWN52 Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 (edited) This girl I met, moved to Oregon after winning a loto green card. Told me stories about living without electricity and water, in Georgia I think Batumi? Funny because soon as she got here her attitude changed. Lexus SUV, nice clothes etc. Not so humble anymore. Edited December 1, 2018 by BMWN52
BMWN52 Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 This girl I met, moved to Oregon after winning a loto green card. Told me stories about living without electricity and water, in Georgia I think Batumi? Funny because soon as she got here her attitude changed. Lexus SUV, nice clothes etc. Not so humble anymore.
preraph Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Sounds like she was doing what a lot of broken up people do and go onto dating sites for validation that they are still desirable, but she didn't really want to date someone else. I think it's better she told you now than later. And it's nothing to do with you. It's her.
jgraham11 Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Well, look on the bright side I guess. At least she didn't lead you on any further. Some girls or guys would just keep stringing the other person along as an "option" If she gets back to you, you are totally inclined to say take a hike. Move on and find someone worth your time.
BMWN52 Posted December 1, 2018 Posted December 1, 2018 Sounds like she was doing what a lot of broken up people do and go onto dating sites for validation that they are still desirable, but she didn't really want to date someone else. I think it's better she told you now than later. And it's nothing to do with you. It's her. Or the term " painkiller" comes to mind. Go out and date realize maybe perhaps the ex wasn't so bad after all. People are duped into being collateral damage, which is a really ****ty thing.
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