Reconnecting with my Ex:

[DavidB87]

Hi everyone. I guess I'm here to receive some honest advice regarding my current relationship situation. Thank you in advance.

 

It's difficult to give advice without context, but then again, it's also difficult to reduce our 6 year relationship to a few words. I met my girlfriend 6 years ago, and our journey took us around the world. As an interracial couple, we faced some particular difficulties. You know, opposition from her family, logistical issues in terms of finding a country we could both live in while thriving as individuals at the same time. We overcame these obstacles, but in overcoming these obstacles, we had to make sacrifices. We were both facing our own demons at the time of meeting, but we helped one another through the tough times. She supported me in my time of need, and endured my struggles with me. It took a tole on her, but she chose to stand by me.

 

We studied together for a couple of years in Europe. The framework of our relationship was restored during this time and it brought us back to stability. During that time however, I was supported financially by my girlfriend. She didn't hold this against me, but it certainly challenged my self-confidence and eroded equality in general. After this, we returned back to her home country (where we met). It was a chance to live together in a proper home, for me to prove my willingness to support us financially, and just build toward bigger and better things. The problem was, the job I inevitably had to take was tough. I was bullied at work and I just powered through. I bottled things up and just told myself, it's not forever, be strong. I didn't take it home with me and dealt with it well. I was always on the go, so I could detach from my issues...then suddenly one day, my contract ended and I was free.

 

I worked 7AM to 6PM and then sometimes 6PM to midnight on a research plan for my doctoral studies. I got accepted and we made the decision to return to Europe. My girlfriend left earlier than me to travel with my parents and we agreed to meet after my contract ended. We moved out, and I lived in this tiny box room, no bigger than a coffin for the last month. It was hell, but I made it. I finished my last day, and the very next day, I flew to Europe to meet her. Suddenly I didn't have to be bullied everyday anymore, I didn't have to survive. But you know what, I just couldn't transition. I couldn't adapt to a new life because I was still carrying those wounds. I questioned whether I could do the research, we talked, and in the end, we decided to just risk it all and start a new life as freelancers. We found gigs and it was genuinely viable. We could travel and freelance at the same time. But for all the best laid plans in the world, my state of mind stayed the some.

 

I needed to go away briefly and recover. Appreciate things again, grow independent and just heal in general. But I didn't admit this. I didn't open-up, and I just became a negative person. It all got too much for her, and one day, about a month ago, she left me. She lost faith in me and she didn't want the relationship anymore. She felt as though she sacrificed enough, and I just didn't address my problems when it really mattered. She flew back home and I followed her. I am overseas now, and once again I live in a tiny room. But each day I grow stronger. It's awful that it took this event to kick me into gear, but I am changing. I am more independent, more positive, I try to make new friends, and just look on the bright side. I focus on myself, I smile, and I recognize what I have lost.

 

Since she left, she has not been in touch. She has not read any of my instant messages on any platform, but she continues to read my emails that I send her every once in a while (I know this as my email provider tells me how often the email has been opened). She is the most strong-minded character I have ever known. She engages with me by reading my emails, but gives off the impression of completely detaching. She has resources, so I am sure she has made great strides to creating a new life, new job, new place, just keeping as busy as possible. I know that after 6 years you don't just forget about someone, yet for her, after 1 month, it would be very difficult to reconnect. She believes in her convictions and tends not to let emotions get in the way of an intent. She would consider reaching out as a sign of weakness I am sure. She is starkly independent and values her own time and space above all else. I continue to send emails sparingly, to subtly demonstrate my lifestyle changes to her, to be upbeat and positive at all times. I would never slip back into that negativity again, yet for all the change, I fear that it is too late to reconcile.

 

I guess this is the outline of my story. I would love to hear any advice you may have. Thank you.

[d0nnivain]

After 6 years of you being negative & not pulling your financial weight she gave up. Now you want us to give you advice to show her how much you have changed in a month?

 

It seems like she tried & you didn't. Now that she's gone you realize what you lost.

 

I suppose you could ask to her to meet & to specify what she would need to come back. If you can give that to her, great but what if you can't?

[DavidB87]

Fair enough. If the information I have provided has given you the incentive to claim that I have not pulled my financial weight for 6 years and been negative for the duration, then that is fine.

 

I wrote my background story with no intention to make excuses. I did not want to paint her as blameworthy either, because that serves no purpose in my life right now. Of course, we have both been at fault, we have made mistakes individually and collectively. For the record, I have not been financially dependent for 6 years, just for the 2 years we spent together while studying. For the record, I have not been negative for 6 years, I simply have not taken the time to eloquently paint a picture to you of all of wonderful moments we shared together, and the great lengths I went to to bring a smile to her face.

 

The truth is, I was bullied at work and willfully put myself in a position where I had to endure every day. The only solace I had was the notion that it won't last forever and that one day we will ride of into the sunset. I bottled everything up, kept myself busy, and I survived. She was proud of me, I know that. Yet when it was all said and done, I struggled to deal with the potential of a new and happy life. I became depressed in the transition and wasn't honest enough about this. She grew to view my negativity as default and unyielding, and yes you are right, I was pathetically weak to the point it took losing everything I had to drive me to action.

 

Thanks for your insightful input.

[d0nnivain]

I did find your initial thread very hard to follow.

 

You got bullied. You partially shut down & endured. It took a toll on you. That is understandable but if she internalized that as you rejecting her, this may be hard to put back together.

 

Somehow if there is a possibility of reconciliation you have to get her to talk to you. If she is simply done, you may have no recourse except to accept her decision & then start your own healing.

[DavidB87]

Thank you.

 

You are right. The view that I was making sacrifices for the betterment of our future is in many ways redundant, because it was ultimately me who failed to recognize that I had allowed those sacrifices to turn me into a person who she/or anyone else for that matter would not want to be around. The reality is, I should have taken a step back, trusted her enough to open-up, and then give myself the time necessary to sort my act out.

 

She certainly internalized that as me unraveling everything that we had worked so hard to achieve. She certainly internalized it to the point where that level of sabotage lingers in her mind and cancels out the positive things that I did in the past. And I do appreciate your point. It is equally as ridiculous for me to convey to you how I may have changed in a month as it is to her. I have words, but they remain as words and seem unbelievable. Yet I speak with honesty when I say that I do feel change in my life. I am certainly becoming more independent, tapping into the things that I enjoy doing, getting physically fit and healthy, coming to terms with my environment, opening up to friends that I isolated myself from and so on. The trouble is, how credible is a man who needed to literally be forced to make that change in the first place?

 

You know, I see that she reads my emails, and I inevitably jump onto that fact and turn it into a source of hope where it may not even exist. I questioned why she would read emails, yet present an image of a person who has ignored me for an entire month. But it could be many reasons, curiosity, self-healing on her part, the actions of a person who despite what happened, still cares about my well-being. But you are right, unless she actually reaches out to me, it means little for the relationship.

[frigginlost]

Thank you.

 

You are right. The view that I was making sacrifices for the betterment of our future is in many ways redundant, because it was ultimately me who failed to recognize that I had allowed those sacrifices to turn me into a person who she/or anyone else for that matter would not want to be around. The reality is, I should have taken a step back, trusted her enough to open-up, and then give myself the time necessary to sort my act out.

 

She certainly internalized that as me unraveling everything that we had worked so hard to achieve. She certainly internalized it to the point where that level of sabotage lingers in her mind and cancels out the positive things that I did in the past. And I do appreciate your point. It is equally as ridiculous for me to convey to you how I may have changed in a month as it is to her. I have words, but they remain as words and seem unbelievable. Yet I speak with honesty when I say that I do feel change in my life. I am certainly becoming more independent, tapping into the things that I enjoy doing, getting physically fit and healthy, coming to terms with my environment, opening up to friends that I isolated myself from and so on. The trouble is, how credible is a man who needed to literally be forced to make that change in the first place?

 

You know, I see that she reads my emails, and I inevitably jump onto that fact and turn it into a source of hope where it may not even exist. I questioned why she would read emails, yet present an image of a person who has ignored me for an entire month. But it could be many reasons, curiosity, self-healing on her part, the actions of a person who despite what happened, still cares about my well-being. But you are right, unless she actually reaches out to me, it means little for the relationship.

 

David, you seem to be an extremely logical guy. Someone who has had an "awakening" of who they are now (or who they may have been all along, but just didn't know) and someone who is trying to place logic in a time where emotion within you is at it's strongest. It's a very, very, rough place to be, and it hurts.

 

Your ex reading what you have sent is an indication that she does/did in fact care about you. But, she is using logic as opposed to emotion. In her mind, the logical thing to do, is to move forward by not allowing emotion into the equation. Yourself, on the other hand have "flipped" from a logically based person, to one that is looking through emotion glasses.

 

So, how do you get the two emotions to align? Time.

 

Give her logical stance some time to play out. Emotions can never be buried. They always bubble up. Always. If what you guys had is something that can't be replaced, you will get a reply from her in time.

 

As for you, emotions are going to reek havoc on you, and that is completely normal. Try as best you can to think logically about how she is feeling and continue to work on your life.

 

She may be completely done, or she may not be. But you can't live your life trying to guess which way she is going to go. You seem to be a guy that has a lot to offer. Remember that.

[DavidB87]

Thank you for writing that

 

What you said makes a lot of sense. Funnily enough, when we were together, it would often play out as me the overly-logical person, and her letting me know that my logic doesn't apply where emotions are concerned. Yet as you say, when it comes to human relationships or moments of crisis, emotions will play havoc with me and she will be the one with the cool head, capable of distancing herself from emotions.

 

I know she is trying to move on with things, but I am also pretty certain that she has not put a lot of thought into what she is moving on to. She's back in a country that she didn't really want to be in and in a job full time that she is good at, but again, isn't really what she enjoys. For her, I imagine the goal is to make herself so busy that emotions are less likely to come into play. I sort of figured that by sending the occasional thoughtfully worded email that those words would encourage her to take a step back and feel some emotions regarding the situation. But I'm not sure, for every email I send, maybe I am preventing her from having that necessary time to realize that what we had was indeed irreplaceable. Then again, she is exactly the stubborn person that would realize that, but not act on it out of a conviction/pride/not wanting to give up control/make herself weak.

 

I will continue to work on my life though and do that for me.