My ex's ghost haunts me daily and my spirit is broken

[Despr8]

I could probably write a book about my experiences with my ex but I'll keep it short. I was with her for 6 years; so much happened in those 6 years. But she left me a few months after I proposed to her. Reason? The universe said our time was up! according to her. I didn't know how much hurt this would really cause me. I was fine with the break up at first because we had so many fights about money. I barely made any money and she made triple. At age 38 was forced to move with my parents again, how embarrassed I was. But it was my fault as I had no ambition, killed my optimism all the time, couldn't save money, drank and smoked, spent every cent on bull**** or antique junk that made no sense. Poor health, poor morals, no values. I had a very poor minded upbringing from my parents that didn't care much for education along as I had a job.

 

 

 

I decided I wanted to try something different and change everything and take risks in hopes that maybe I'd feel more like an equal in her eyes. Started to get into the whole MGTOW thing and finding my purpose and work on myself. I was hitting the gym daily and dropped to a nice 10% body-fat and even started a small business. Now that I could save a bit living with my parents. I tried very hard to change things with myself and till this day I analyze everything within. There was 8 months of NO Contact while I tried to sort of catch up. Until one day she reached out and was curious to know how I was. Time to show her how I changed in my mind. I wasn't making 6 figures but I could at least show her I was trying. I invited her to check out my shop after some catching up on the phone. We met up a few times even hung out with her at her place once.

 

 

I remember I kissed her and she told me to stop that we'll never be together again. Her words were "I don't want to be with you and want someone more like myself". I left and a few days later she text me which I replied I have no ill will towards you but plz don't contact me anymore because I have no intentions on being your friend. She respected my wishes. Everything started to fall apart from that moment and lost myself again after thinking I was doing pretty good and actually had a shot of being on her level maybe. The new GF left me, I gained 25lbs, my business TANKED and I fell into a deep depression.

 

 

 

It's been 7 months since that day and I'm inching my way out this hole of sadness, emptiness, loneliness miserable life full of debt and regrets. I have had the darkest thoughts but I know time changes everything and I gotta try to stay strong. It's time to regroup and start again!

 

 

I think of her daily, day and night it's twisted where my only contact is her Last seen: on Whatsapp. I constantly see her Online and wonder if she even thinks about me? But I never text or reach out even though I'm dying to speak to her. My emotional baggage has gotten heavier every day and she just haunts me. I'll probably never be good enough for her but know it's no reason I cant find my own happiness. I truly wish I knew if she ever regretted any of it but I tell myself shes most likely very happy without me living her great life. I mean she would've reached out by now!? The holiday season makes it even worse since I asked her to marry me on NYE. I'm breaking down and want to reach out to her but I know I'll probably be more hurt in doing so. Besides how can you reach out to someone in your worst state ever? I've distanced myself from friends and family. I just want to reach my balance again.

 

 

 

(There's so much more to this post I'm not saying because nobody would read it for being to long.)

 

 

 

I don't even know if I'm still in love with her or the ghost of her memory? In some sick way I wanted to reach out to her just to get denied again (hoping it'd make me move on). I also don't want to break NC because I want to move on and don't want to be hurt. I think one day she might regret it. I never made much money but you best believe I'd give my last cent if it made her smile. We had financial incompatibilities, but I was her rock in her finding her way from going to hippie girl to financial guru. I've always been the good rock in helping those find themselves even though I've been lost most of my life.

[d0nnivain]

You are giving her way too much power. She is one woman. She is not the ruler of the universe.

 

You are an entrepreneur. Do things to reinvigorate your business. Check out the SBDC. Start reading books about running a business -- Who Moved My Cheese; The E-Myth Revisited; Profits Aren't Everything, They are the Only Thing; The Tipping Point, etc. Get jazzed about what you are doing. Get back on that healthy eating horse, which is tough at the holidays. Hit the gym. Double down on your MGTOW thing.

 

 

You have a lot going on & if she can't see that shame on her. Her opinion is only one person's perspective.

[nolanola]

You're doing fine. It takes as long as it takes. Please don't be so harsh on yourself. Somedays I feel really good, like I'm moving on and getting past the hurt. Other days, like today, I can get wrapped up in my hurt and anger and just feel so horrible. My worst relationship took me years to get past. And when I say get past, I mean thinking of it doesn't make me want to burst into tears, not that it doesn't still bother me a little bit.

 

I remember being so ashamed of how hard it was for me to get over that relationship. I didn't want him to know how much I was suffering. I came home every night, sat in front of the tv, and cried. For months. I burst out crying one day because I dropped my groceries on the ground. I was a mess. I felt like I was down in a hole I was never going to crawl out of. I went on anti-depressants and they literally saved my life. I'm not advocating that for you necessarily, just saying that there is hope. Even with the anti-depressants, it still took about a year for me to feel good enough to stop them.

 

Today, I have no desire to see that guy. I would literally run away if I saw him coming. There was a time that I wanted to see him more than anything. Time will make it better, even if it never fully goes away. I promise. Try to find things to look forward to, even if they are really dumb things like a new album coming out or a tv show you like. I find that helps. I also try to treat myself to a favorite food when I feel down (I like to cook and bake). Exercising makes me feel better and I tell myself that I want to look good in case I ever run into my most recent ex.

 

Post on here when you feel sad. Or read other people's stories. There are so many people that feel like you do and they are getting through it. They will give you some hope that you can do the same.

[preraph]

Look, she's moved on. You need to just focus on yourself and your business. It takes more than one try to succeed. So you need to just get back up and keep trying. Once you have yourself to a place you like yourself, then you meet women and start fresh. Good luck.