How did you go back to your marriage as a MOW after the affair

[NotADayGoesBy]

It looks like you got quite a few responses from BS. Well, I am a WW and I can relate to a lot of what you said: a good marriage where there is still love but there are still issues or needs not being met, feeling that your life and marriage and life are better thanks to the affair, etc.

 

If you haven't, spend time reading through the many posts and back pages of LS. You will see many WW who say similar things, and it helps to see you aren't alone in your struggles or feelings.

 

Here is what I've learned: your marriage feels better with the A because all your needs aren't being met without it. So maybe the first step (which is what I'm doing--as I detox from my feelings over xOMM I find it too hard to jump right into fixing my M) is to fix YOU. Ask yourself: what is this A filling in my life that I need? It sounds like you don't want to leave your marriage, but you're not entirely happy either (I relate). You're going to need to figure out what is missing in your life and how you'll get it. For me, some of those things have to do with my marriage, and some don't at all.

 

The next step (and I'm going to IC for this) after fixing me, will be addressing the issues in my marriage. Many say this step can't be done with out telling the BH. I guess only you know that. Personally, I think I can do it without my H knowing. At least at this time--if I ever do tell him about the A it won't be while I am still visibly mourning the end of that relationship.

 

Since you and AP are still 'happy' with your situation, unfortunately there isn't much incentive to stop. I'm not sure anyone can give you any advice to help that other than to end the affair completely and go NC. Easy for me to say, because my A ended against my will so to speak. But, each day I'm a little more grateful it ended before my life blew up or I got more emotionally or physically addicted to AP. Until you really end it and go NC I don't think you can move closer to your H. I'm not sure it's possible.

[DKT3]

It looks like you got quite a few responses from BS. Well, I am a WW and I can relate to a lot of what you said: a good marriage where there is still love but there are still issues or needs not being met, feeling that your life and marriage and life are better thanks to the affair, etc.

 

<SNIP>

 

In her situation I dont thinj she should tell her husband, I think she needs to end the marriage. It's never been a marriage. Of course she isn't totally happy with her marriage, it started with her unfavorably comparing her husband to the one that got away and shortly after she entered into an affair which has run concurrently with the remainder of her marriage.

 

There is no marriage, and her husband has no idea of who he is married too.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[NotADayGoesBy]

DKT3 makes a good point. If this A has been going on during your entire marriage, then why do you want to continue the marriage? If you were unhappy from the start, what makes you stay?

[DKT3]

DKT3 makes a good point. If this A has been going on during your entire marriage, then why do you want to continue the marriage? If you were unhappy from the start, what makes you stay?

 

This kind of affair seems rare. I know of one other MW poster here was similar. She was also involved her entire marriage some two decades. She actually met, dated and married her husband while in an active affair. The difference is she flat out refused to discuss anything about her husband here. Just that he wasn't OM. It's hard to imagine this is what someone considers love, but somehow she claims she loves her husband very much. Very few people would be interested in that kind of love.

[Amethyst68]

I'll start by saying I'm not a BS I also have no investment in your marriage. The problem as I see it is neither are you. There is no way you could possibly be and still be cheating for almost the length of the time of the marriage.

 

I doubt you are even there 100% emotional when you are there physically. You are fooling yourself if you think your husband has not noticed. You say he is not altogether happy? I wouldn't be surprised if he is biding his time and getting his evidence together, divorce still isn't too friendly to husbands these days.

 

If you really want your marriage then it's time to prove it. I kinda doubt it though, I think if MM called you'd leave your husband in a heartbeat.

[Sonnyp]

I'll start by saying I'm not a BS I also have no investment in your marriage. The problem as I see it is neither are you. There is no way you could possibly be and still be cheating for almost the length of the time of the marriage.

 

I doubt you are even there 100% emotional when you are there physically. You are fooling yourself if you think your husband has not noticed. You say he is not altogether happy? I wouldn't be surprised if he is biding his time and getting his evidence together, divorce still isn't too friendly to husbands these days.

 

If you really want your marriage then it's time to prove it. I kinda doubt it though, I think if MM called you'd leave your husband in a heartbeat.

 

You are right that I have a wall up and I am never 100% invested in my marriage. Even when I’ve taken a break some time back from MM I don’t think I ever was there fully. It has always been a cloud hanging over me. I’m saying that a few posters have said it’s my entire marriage: in total it would be 65-70% of the marriage time I would say. There were the first years of marriage that this person did not exist and they were newlywed years which were child free and easy.

 

Some of the responses have also talked about that if MM called it and said he’s leaving that I would jump too. That is not he case: though I want to be with him so much and have said as much in my posts, when MM has had marital issues and talks about things related to leaving (leaving because the marriage is so bad, not leaving for me - we have both always said our marriages should only end if they are bad, not for one another), I clam up and get scared at the thought of it. So I find myself totally in limbo. I keep moving through life with the next thing coming a holidays, birthdays, commitments of the like which gives me an excuse to stay in limbo and never change a thing.

 

My issue is that I do not change a thing. I keep going in it even though I’m not happy in it. There are moments of good but in general I hate the person I have become by doing this to my H and to myself. I am paralysed into living this way though. It is a huge step for me to even be on here discussing that I want to make change. Thank you for the support, I do like having all sides to consider.

 

I have a therapist but it is expensive and few and far between and I find that it depends on m emotions of the day on how the session goes. Another poster mentioned that I sound like a drug addict. I have discussed this at length with my therapist as I believe that too. I feel like an Addict that can’t give up the drug.

[DKT3]

You are right that I have a wall up and I am never 100% invested in my marriage. Even when I’ve taken a break some time back from MM I don’t think I ever was there fully. It has always been a cloud hanging over me. I’m saying that a few posters have said it’s my entire marriage: in total it would be 65-70% of the marriage time I would say. There were the first years of marriage that this person did not exist and they were newlywed years which were child free and easy. {snip}

 

How can that be true that MM didn't exist when you stated you campared every man to him afterwards? He was always there, even if not physically. He was always the one you wanted. You unfairly went into a relationship with your husband, he was always your backup or good enough guy. So its understandable that something is lacking. And unless your husband is emotionally disabled he has felt your lack of commitment to him and your marriage, which likely prevented him from totally investing.

 

I just think it's time, after two decades that he be afforded the opportunity to find what everyone deserves, a true loving partner who chooses them, not as a good enough person cause the one I want is unavailable, but as someone who they truly love and wants the best for them. You cant provide him that, I'm not even getting the impression that you want too.

Edited December 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Sonnyp]

How can that be true that MM didn't exist when you stated you campared every man to him afterwards? He was always there, even if not physically. He was always the one you wanted. You unfairly went into a relationship with your husband, he was always your backup or good enough guy. So its understandable that something is lacking. And unless your husband is emotionally disabled he has felt your lack of commitment to him and your marriage, which likely prevented him from totally investing.

 

Sorry can you add the quote where I said that. Perhaps you have misinterpreted something I have written. I had never met MM or had anything to do with him until I was married and had been for a number of years. I compare men to MM now and even when he wasn’t there physically, but I didn’t start my marriage with him in my life. I had been with H for a long time before meeting MM.

 

My H is not emotionally disabled, he is emotionally attached. And in his subconscious he knows something is out of place, I can tell. But because it’s been out of place so long he thinks it’s the norm. That’s why he has not gone digging or suspected anything. I have also though he doesn’t want to know is another reason he can ignore that something is not right.

[Amethyst68]

Ok, so can I ask you what gives you the right to make your husband's decisions for him? Your husband is playing a game he can't win because no-one has told him the players and the rules, he deserves to have a say in his own life.

 

It's obvious to me the reason you keep going is because you've never faced any consequences for your actions. This is the real world, actions have consequences, he may leave, he may not but either way you would hopefully learn about boundaries and the correct way to treat people.

 

What would you do if you found out today that your BH has been having an affair? Would you admit yours or still stay silent?

[Missedmistress]

Hi OP,

 

My two cents is that you should tell your H.

 

Get it all out there, all the truth (maybe not graphic details but what he needs to know: how long, do you love him, etc.) and you will see true feelings and actions from both your H and AP, I might add.

 

My A was with one of H's best friends and his W found out, which was hell for him but I went and confessed everything. I really didn't know what to expect, thought that was surely the end of our H. But it wasn't. Because he truly believes that I'm the love of his life and he wants to work through it. I still also have feelings for AP (someone said it's 3-4 years to repair the marriage, jeez!) i'm 7mo NC and it's getting better but I still can't imagine I'll ever love my H as much as I love AP. But I know it'll change, it has to.

 

I think you need to tell him and you will see, for him, for you and your kids. Life will sort itself out.

Edited December 18, 2018 by Missedmistress

[Bittersweetie]

Sonny, I was a WW who after a d-day reconciled with my H. We are still together almost ten years after d-day.

 

When I was in my A, my H made some big career decisions. He told me after d-day that he would've made different choices had he known I was in an A. I took away his truth with my choices. Can you see how you are doing that to your H? For the past 5 years you have changed the dynamic of your marriage and your H has absolutely no knowledge of that. Would he be making different choices if he knew the choices you were making? You are taking away the truth of his life.

 

If I hadn't had a d-day, I am pretty sure I never would've made the deep, profound changes I made. I would've had no accountability, no real consequences, no one to push me. But I did have accountability and consequences and it led me to look deep to find out why I made the choices I did. Because an affair is not something that "just happens." It is made up of deliberate choices.

 

This is already your second rodeo...you mentioned you got caught the first time, and you still went ahead and continued to be in an A. Your actions show no respect for your marriage, your husband, your family, really even yourself. Is that the kind of person you want to be? A person who lies and cheats, or a person who lives honestly and authentically? It is your choice.

 

I've been where you are, where my A ended and I thought my H will never find out and everything will be fine. But I don't believe that you can rebuild your marriage on a foundation that is so broken (because of your H's ignorance of your choices). My suggestion is to confess, then everything will be above board and you can move forward from there. I know that is a terrifying thought, but... what kind of person do you want to be?

[DKT3]

Sorry can you add the quote where I said that. Perhaps you have misinterpreted something I have written. I had never met MM or had anything to do with him until I was married and had been for a number of years. I compare men to MM now and even when he wasn’t there physically, but I didn’t start my marriage with him in my life. I had been with H for a long time before meeting MM.

 

My H is not emotionally disabled, he is emotionally attached. And in his subconscious he knows something is out of place, I can tell. But because it’s been out of place so long he thinks it’s the norm. That’s why he has not gone digging or suspected anything. I have also though he doesn’t want to know is another reason he can ignore that something is not right.

 

I was mistaken, I thought you had a relationship with MM it ended and restarted after marriage, what you were describing was two different affairs with the same man.

 

The second part is what I would call abusive, he knows something is wrong, you know he knows yet you purposely allow him to live in this despair.

 

I first thought you were just not "in love" with your husband. The most you describe the marriage its starting to sound like you dislike your husband and only care about the lifestyle you two share. Like you just need him around to maintain status quo.

 

Another thing I want to point out, you said earlier in the thread that you would absolutely left your marriage to see if what you had with MM was real. Later in the thread you stated you waffled when he spoke about ending his marriage. which one was it really?

 

Honestly, if your son or brother was in a relationship that you described here, would you advise them to continue? I suspect that you would not, yet you claim you love your husband? Its hard to comprehend this.

Edited December 18, 2018 by DKT3

[BaileyB]

You said earlier in the thread that you would absolutely left your marriage to see if what you had with MM was real. Later in the thread you stated you waffled when he spoke about ending his marriage. which one was it really?

 

Honestly, if your son or brother was in a relationship that you described here, would you advise them to continue? I suspect that you would not, yet you claim you love your husband? Its hard to comprehend this.

 

It seems to be that this is all about control. OP, you have not really allowed yourself to trust or be vulnerable with your husband, if you have cheated on him almost the entire time of your marriage. And, when you say that you would have left your marriage to be with your MM but then waffled, when the opportunity presented itself... again, you were unable to trust or be vulnerable.

 

You like the fantasy, of the marriage and the affair. But the truth is, you are not really will to commit or make yourself vulnerable in either relationship. Instead, you want to have control - you want to hold all the cards, making all the decisions, and doing exactly what you like... Your husband is left in the dark, competing (without his knowledge) with another man for your affections while you make the decisions for him - affecting both his marriage and his life.

[kgcolonel]

I agree, you should not stay married. Your husband, whom you committed to above all others have become the other, the fall back the left overs. The guy there because you cant have the one you really want. I believe he deserves better than that, hell everyone deserves to be their life partners first choice. You cant offer that, he deserves better.

 

I agree here....what you're doing is selfish in that you're only staying because your OM isn't picking you. You are no longer picking your H but defaulting to him to fill a void. I don't intend to beat you up on this but would you want your H to stay with you if the roles were reversed?

 

At the very least, give him the option of knowing what the marriage is actually made of instead of what he "thinks" it is made of.

[kgcolonel]

How is that obvious? I haven’t divorced him because I can still enjoy time with him, we make a good team, we are parents and always will be to our children and divorce may not be the right decision for us.

 

All the feelings I have of guilt speak to the fact there is love there. We have a history and it is not a bad marriage. I never set out to have an affair, nor stay in an affair so long, nor be in a position where losing my MM or my H would cause me such pain. I know losing either is going to hurt as would potentially losing both. It is a no win situation of my own doing.

 

The guilt does not speak of love, it speaks that you may have fallen short of what either you expect of yourself or what is normally expected from a partner in a marriage.

 

I also can't agree with the "good team" piece as good teammates don't lie and cheat on one another. The support and create a safe place for the other. Objectively, you're still looking at this only from your own perspective, not considering his.

[ABernie]

I will save judgment for myself. I ended my M b/c of A, so I can't answer your initial question. But here are my thoughts.

 

I don't think it's a bad idea to see if you can get a 3 month break from AP. It seems like he might agree to it, since he doesn't want to leave his M. In those 3 months, I think you can do some soul searching, see if you can reconnect with your H and M. After that process then you make the decision to end or to tell or not to tell.

 

 

I will say, my STBX did not have an A, but a pretty big betrayal our entire M. He lied a few times over the 12 years to cover it until it came out. I tried for 3 years, but could not get over it...and it wasn't even infidelity. So there is some truth about coming clean. If my STBX had come clean much earlier, it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal, but all the lies and cover ups made me lose all trust.

 

That being said, I never told STBX about my A. It was an EA for 2 months and the week after it turned into a PA, I asked for a divorce. My reason, wrong or right, was I didn't want him to be hurt that I didn't want him, but wanted someone else.

[DKT3]

I will save judgment for myself. I ended my M b/c of A, so I can't answer your initial question. But here are my thoughts.

 

I don't think it's a bad idea to see if you can get a 3 month break from AP. It seems like he might agree to it, since he doesn't want to leave his M. In those 3 months, I think you can do some soul searching, see if you can reconnect with your H and M. After that process then you make the decision to end or to tell or not to tell.

 

 

I will say, my STBX did not have an A, but a pretty big betrayal our entire M. He lied a few times over the 12 years to cover it until it came out. I tried for 3 years, but could not get over it...and it wasn't even infidelity. So there is some truth about coming clean. If my STBX had come clean much earlier, it probably wouldn't have been such a big deal, but all the lies and cover ups made me lose all trust.

 

That being said, I never told STBX about my A. It was an EA for 2 months and the week after it turned into a PA, I asked for a divorce. My reason, wrong or right, was I didn't want him to be hurt that I didn't want him, but wanted someone else.

What ever reasoning you had to ask for divorce was irrelevant, you absolutely made the right decision in terms of your husband and it show that you cared for him. I'm not getting that here, even after the horrible things she has/is doing she still cant admit that she isnt what's best for her husband. Deep down she knows this, which is why she wont give him the opportunity to choose for himself.

 

I can come down hard on WW here, but I recognize that not all marriages are meant to be, and we are all humans that make mistakes. Yet at are core, most of us dont willingly and continually hurt those we actually love. I applaud you for making that decision to set your husband free to find a woman who will love him the way a wife should. I applaud you for not making the easy decision to just stay and go through the motions. Maybe you thing with AP didnt work out, but you are no longer stuck in a marriage you wasnt committed to and can find something better.

[bigman1]

I would say that you are not being loving towards your husband and the same for the others who justify their affairs and silence. Think of your affair as a communicable disease. You keep exposing them to the harm and then say, if they knew they would be hurt but still stay or they would be hurt and leave. Instead, I will continue to expose them without their knowledge. That is not loving someone. You have attachment to them, but not love.

 

If you truly want to stop, confess. That will end that right there. It is hard because you don't want the consequences. You want to do your drugs at work, wipe the powder off your nose, and go home and act normal. Well, once you confess, a whole lot happens.

 

I also point out, if your AP, his spouse, kids or anyone finds out now or much later and tells your husband, the other show will drop. Maybe you succeed in ending it and fix your marriage and are living fine 5 years from now with a new lease on life and then your H finds out. Are your prepared for that? Your secrecy and success depend on AP keeping quiet. On his BW never finding out or knowing and keeping quiet. On your BH never putting 2 and 2 together. On so much. That is a choice you have to make.

 

I feel that since he found out before and stayed, I am pretty sure he is gonna stay. Some folks are wired that way. Maybe that is really your issue. Your H not being willing to leave you will make it harder for your to stay out of the affair?

[misspalmy]

I think your be better off just leaving. sometimes you can never get trust back that going for both male or female who cheat