hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) My girlfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years now, and have been living together for over a year. She's a store manager at Urban Outfitters and I work for the union but I'm currently laid off. Our relationship is the best I've been in but I had brought up a lot of negative feelings a lot throughout and I never seemed to understand how much it's affected her until now because she doesn't wear her feelings like I do. Two weeks ago we had started second guessing our relationship because I felt like it was falling apart like a lot of other things going on outside of it (not working, running low on money, got in a car accident). She works a hell of a lot and we only see each other to run errands or go to bed because she normally goes to sleep early. I don't even know what made me think things were different but it hit a "last straw" situation with her because she thought I was trying to break up with her. We talked after a day or two last week after barely talking and she said it hurts her so much thinking she isn't ever good enough and that I'm always half way out. I love her and explained that every other relationship I've been in any time anything feels different the other person was either about to break up with me anyway or be with someone else already, so the fear I have of that with her is where I come from. I know we both love each other but I don't always believe I was meant to have a real honest relationship because I've never had one. She understands but is still very hurt and she told me last night that I remind her of her mother; someone who has came and gone her whole life and never seemed to ever care about her family or close relationships. After she had told me that and broke down crying we had plans to go out for a friend's birthday and my girlfriend calmed down and asked if I could go to the store with her first then the birthday dinner, then acted normal up until we went to sleep that night. Even then I held her until she fell asleep like normal and she said she loved me but is still upset with me. Today she texted me from work saying she is coming home tonight to grab a few things and stay at her aunts for a few days so her and I can sort out emotions out without being in the same house. She said it's not her running away or breaking up with me, but the only way she can sort out what she's feeling and for me to do the same. I respect this, but I'm afraid this is her slowly breaking up with me and wish that she would just do so if that's the case. I had a very long talk with her over a span of 3 days basically about how much I've been messing up being so selfish and we had come to agree that it's something we can work out as long as I'm conscious of it like I said I was. But her wanting space now after nothing happening is unsettling and don't know how to think of it. Edited November 28, 2018 by hocuspocus86
Highndry Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) For sure she's thinking of breaking up with you. She may be doing this to soften the blow, but you're on thin ice. Don't chase, you need to get hold of your emotions and see what happens at this point. This is just my opinion, but what I would do is ask her for exact specifics. "How long are you going to be gone? What are you trying to accomplish with this time away?" Then I would let her know that I would not contact her at all, respecting her need for space, but if she reaches out I would respond. There is not much else you can do. Edited November 28, 2018 by Highndry
Author hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 For sure she's thinking of breaking up with you. She may be doing this to soften the blow, but you're on thin ice. Don't chase, you need to get hold of your emotions and see what happens at this point. This is just my opinion, but what I would do is ask her for exact specifics. "How long are you going to be gone? What are you trying to accomplish with this time away?" Then I would let her know that I would not contact her at all, respecting her need for space, but if she reaches out I would respond. There is not much else you can do. Her exact words were "Also I have decided that when I get home tonight I am going to pack a few things and go stay with Jackie for a little while. I have so many emotions right now and I know you do too and being that we are as close that we are- it’s hard to actually have time to ourselves to feel them. I know this is going to upset you but I hope you understand my logic. I’m not running away and this isn’t us breaking up. This is just us taking a few days to be away from each other and have our own spaces to feel what we're feeling." From what she's been saying she has just spent her whole life feeling like everything she does is never enough and loves me so much that she never wanted to feel that way with me but currently does and doesn't know if she's able to believe me right now if I'm really taking responsibility for my actions, in a nutshell. I'm not going to chase her or contact her but I did say if this is her idea of softening the blow because she is going to break up with me than to just get it over with.
lurker74 Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Two things...first, anytime I've told a woman I wanted a break, it meant that I planned to sleep with someone else. It didn't mean I picked out the person or even looked, but it was definitely on the agenda. Maybe she's not thinking that but I'd be really clear what a "break" means. Second, there are, in my experience, four emotions that ruin our lives and we all exhibit all of them but usually one of them more than the others. They are: VanityFearLazinessGreed The weird thing about these is that they make you do things that get the opposite of what you're trying to avoid. Lazy? You'll create more work. Greedy? You'll end up with less. Vain? You will eventually look stupid. And fear? You will bring about what you were afraid of occurring. It seems like you suffer from that last one...fear. Fear that she will break up with you (which may be related to abandonment issues) has caused her to be on the brink of breaking up with her. Learn to recognize when that fear is taking over and not let it take over. Don't try to get rid of the fear...try to watch it until it fades. And yes, you can and likely will get hurt but trust me...the risk of hurt is well worth the chance at happiness. 1
Author hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 Two things...first, anytime I've told a woman I wanted a break, it meant that I planned to sleep with someone else. It didn't mean I picked out the person or even looked, but it was definitely on the agenda. Maybe she's not thinking that but I'd be really clear what a "break" means. Second, there are, in my experience, four emotions that ruin our lives and we all exhibit all of them but usually one of them more than the others. They are: VanityFearLazinessGreed The weird thing about these is that they make you do things that get the opposite of what you're trying to avoid. Lazy? You'll create more work. Greedy? You'll end up with less. Vain? You will eventually look stupid. And fear? You will bring about what you were afraid of occurring. It seems like you suffer from that last one...fear. Fear that she will break up with you (which may be related to abandonment issues) has caused her to be on the brink of breaking up with her. Learn to recognize when that fear is taking over and not let it take over. Don't try to get rid of the fear...try to watch it until it fades. And yes, you can and likely will get hurt but trust me...the risk of hurt is well worth the chance at happiness. I didn't want my post to be super long so I didn't go into what we had talked about last week, but a huge part was basically what you just said here. I explained the fear of the past repeating itself is something I don't want to live through again in a relationship that means as much to me as this does, but it in fact just ended up potentially ending it in a completely different way. It went on and on but I absolutely recognized it all.
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 I understand why you are stressed: loss of job, low on money & now car accident. That is a lot. However in a good relationship in times of trouble people turn toward their loved ones. You pulled away. It freaked her out because she doesn't think you are all in. Normally I would tell you to reassure her by sending flowers but with money being tight I'm not going to suggest that. I will advise that you step up your romance game. Write her a love letter. Sit down with paper & pen, no texting no typing, actual handwriting. You may have to draft it on the computer then copy it over but the writing is the important part. Tuck it into her over night bag that she's taking to auntie's house. If you can manage it whip up a nice dinner before she leaves. Make sure she understands that you love her & want to work together to keep your love alive. If you can afford it, I'd send at least 1 snail mail romantic card . . . something tangible. If you can swing the flowers, send flowers. Make sure you will both be set on when she is coming back. Have something welcoming waiting for her. Meanwhile for the days she is away you best send a sweet message each day -- miss you; love you; my life is empty without you; not seeing your beautiful face every day hurts my heart. She needs to see your actions showing you care. If you let her go stay with the aunt to simmer down & don't chase she will conclude you don't care & this will be over. If you do chase as I suggested there is a POSSIBILITY that she will come back but she may also be done. Still I think you should try. 3
Author hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 I understand why you are stressed: loss of job, low on money & now car accident. That is a lot. However in a good relationship in times of trouble people turn toward their loved ones. You pulled away. It freaked her out because she doesn't think you are all in. Normally I would tell you to reassure her by sending flowers but with money being tight I'm not going to suggest that. I will advise that you step up your romance game. Write her a love letter. Sit down with paper & pen, no texting no typing, actual handwriting. You may have to draft it on the computer then copy it over but the writing is the important part. Tuck it into her over night bag that she's taking to auntie's house. If you can manage it whip up a nice dinner before she leaves. Make sure she understands that you love her & want to work together to keep your love alive. If you can afford it, I'd send at least 1 snail mail romantic card . . . something tangible. If you can swing the flowers, send flowers. Make sure you will both be set on when she is coming back. Have something welcoming waiting for her. Meanwhile for the days she is away you best send a sweet message each day -- miss you; love you; my life is empty without you; not seeing your beautiful face every day hurts my heart. She needs to see your actions showing you care. If you let her go stay with the aunt to simmer down & don't chase she will conclude you don't care & this will be over. If you do chase as I suggested there is a POSSIBILITY that she will come back but she may also be done. Still I think you should try. I wrote her many letters and notes throughout our relationship and she's kept all of them, and I wrote her one that she read yesterday and I think that's what triggered the push and pull right now. I feel like she thinks on one hand what if I never stop pulling back and the other is what if I really love her as much as I claim and can finally stop being scared? But more importantly I feel like may come off as ingenuine to her or trying to be on guard to "act right" so she doesn't leave but then go right back to how I can be.
smackie9 Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 You shouldn't be focusing on whether you are breaking up or not, you should be working on how you can improve your communication, empathy, and your behavior. You both do not understand each other and this is why it's falling apart. You need to get off the pot and figure this out. 1
d0nnivain Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Can you consistently stop being "how you can be?" If not, why should she stay? The push pull can be exhausting. 1
Author hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 Can you consistently stop being "how you can be?" If not, why should she stay? The push pull can be exhausting. Yet another point I've brought up with her. In my own words I said I can't promise that I won't let what I can be, be me forever (if that makes sense) but it's a matter of do I want to just live in constant fear and lose everyone that means everything to me along the way? The answer is an obvious no, but the harder question focuses on if I can, and if I love her enough to make that happen. I think that's partially what she wants is for me to think if I can do that myself because technically she never said "we need a break" she just wants a few days for us to think for ourselves without her or I being right there potentionally interfering and possibly being manipulative. I just have to respect her and respect myself enough to do what I know I need to do.
Author hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 You shouldn't be focusing on whether you are breaking up or not, you should be working on how you can improve your communication, empathy, and your behavior. You both do not understand each other and this is why it's falling apart. You need to get off the pot and figure this out. I think your last sentence is her intention; to figure this out. She didn't say "let's take a break" but instead said let's spend a few nights to think and sort this out and put a lot of that emphasis on me and what I need to work out.
Author hocuspocus86 Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 We just talked a bit more and she put some clarity on the situation. She stated again that "breakup" or "break" isn't what we're doing because she knows she loves me and knows she wants to be with me but is dealing with everything she's feeling isn't going away by me being in the same bed with her every night. I completely understand this and she wants us to still do the few things planned the next couple of days together but just sleep in separate houses for now so we can meet face to face after being able to breathe. Nothing she said roused any skepticism in me to not trust her so my biggest fear is just her ultimately coming to terms with maybe being together just won't work. All in all that is her choice to make at this point and I'm respecting the space she asked for.
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