Merin Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Not sure who said this, but my ex was in the USMC....is there something about them that makes them so darn selfish and emotionless!!!! Nah I'm pretty sure my EXBF was just an a**h*** before he went into the Marine Corps Honestly looking at it, I always seem to find Guys who have a lot of issues with how they grew up and things that happened along the way... ever hear the song by Papa Roach "Scars" ? Look up the lyrics since they won't let me post them here... a lot of truth in that...
smile95 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I think the problem with me is I have dated two guys....1 for 5 yrs and 1 for 3.5. I am not good at dumping or being dumped(as you can tell). I hold on so long until it is horrible and I admit i am in love with an image I have created. That is what I struggle with. I actaully defend him when I read my list?????? Anyone oppsed to me posting a partial list just so that I can see how others feel about him? Maybe just to reassure me that I should not have put up with it???? I have never been in a good relationship, therfore, I have nothing good to compare it to....that is why I thought the treatment I got from him was normal and I put up with it. I guess everyone thinks that they are the only one who feels this way and the only ones who are lied to and hurt and betrayted. We all go thru it, I just wonder how some people are so good about letting the past be the past and move on. I clearly have not found the way to do it. I guess for me, I think that the fact that we broke up has a direct link to my self worth and maybe that I was not good enough. Also, as I have said, I am in love with who I made him out to be based on how he acted the 1st 6 months and somehow that has carried on 3 more yrs! Maybe I need to write down for myself the nice things he did for me in the last 3 yrs......it will e a short list and maybe seeing it will snap me out of denial.
Merin Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I think the problem with me is I have dated two guys....1 for 5 yrs and 1 for 3.5. I am not good at dumping or being dumped(as you can tell). I hold on so long until it is horrible and I admit i am in love with an image I have created. That is what I struggle with. I actaully defend him when I read my list?????? Anyone oppsed to me posting a partial list just so that I can see how others feel about him? Maybe just to reassure me that I should not have put up with it???? I have never been in a good relationship, therfore, I have nothing good to compare it to....that is why I thought the treatment I got from him was normal and I put up with it. I guess everyone thinks that they are the only one who feels this way and the only ones who are lied to and hurt and betrayted. We all go thru it, I just wonder how some people are so good about letting the past be the past and move on. I clearly have not found the way to do it. I guess for me, I think that the fact that we broke up has a direct link to my self worth and maybe that I was not good enough. Also, as I have said, I am in love with who I made him out to be based on how he acted the 1st 6 months and somehow that has carried on 3 more yrs! Maybe I need to write down for myself the nice things he did for me in the last 3 yrs......it will e a short list and maybe seeing it will snap me out of denial. Beth post the list if it makes you feel better... Can I give you my take? Good, good I'm going to anyway... I don't even know that you're in Love with the image you created of him because clearly you know it's false, and I don't think that you cannot let go of the good moments he had because they were and are to far and few... I think what is disturbing is this... (trust me because I've been there myself) when you've bent over backwards for someone, given them 110%, been there regardless of what they did, didn't do, said, didn't say, invested your heart and soul into them AND they still cannot manage to do the right things for you it leaves you feeling hurt and confused.... it is very hard to imagine that although you were amazing to them that the other person really didn't and/or couldn't appreciate that in you and WANT to have you around.. then you start to wonder why... was it something you did? did you not do enough... this, that, the other.... when everyone is telling you what a freakin ahole your EX is that while yes on one hand it makes you feel so much better..... On the other hand you have it in the back of your mind somewhere.... well if he's such a jackass and was so lucky to have me why doesn't he think so.... It also isn't that you can't let go of things and move on... it's that right now, you don't want too... However Beth, believe me when I say probably everyone in here has been guilty from one time or another of making our Exs or SO's like super hero's...we think somehow that they don't feel pain or have regret.... but humans are creatures of habit and habits are hard to break... take some solace in the knowledge that your Ex ISN'T a super hero... and believe it or not he just hides his crap better.... Hang in there
smile95 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 thanks Merin.....I think you hit that right on. I really see no point in making the list on here. It may just get me upset. I know he was not right for me. Does not stop the fact that I love him, bt maybe I always will. Maybe it is unreasonable to try and stop loving someone you cared so much for. In the back of my head, I think he will come back. Since the is the 7th freaking time! The part that needs to register is that I do not want him! How am I ever going to turn him down if he does call if I still love him! I think that (and this goes back to what you said about me feeling like I did something wrong) if he calls, I am lovable. Even writing that makes me sick that I let this man determine my self worth! Wow.
Merin Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 thanks Merin.....I think you hit that right on. I really see no point in making the list on here. It may just get me upset. I know he was not right for me. Does not stop the fact that I love him, bt maybe I always will. Maybe it is unreasonable to try and stop loving someone you cared so much for. In the back of my head, I think he will come back. Since the is the 7th freaking time! The part that needs to register is that I do not want him! How am I ever going to turn him down if he does call if I still love him! I think that (and this goes back to what you said about me feeling like I did something wrong) if he calls, I am lovable. Even writing that makes me sick that I let this man determine my self worth! Wow. Okay I just saw something here... the reason you haven't been able to let go isn't just because you don't want to right now... it's because you're still waiting for him to come back... you know he will eventually (as you've said this has happened more than once) so now you're in limbo and that is NEVER a good place to be.... Beth I'm certain you were loveable long before this **** came into your life, you're still YOU honey... BUT the kicker here is this... You stopped loving yourself.... this worries me Beth... You've allowed this Guy to chip away at your self esteem to the point you no longer feel loveable unless he says you are.... this is bullsh*t! You cannot get any better Girl until you love yourself again... and doing that means letting go of him... stop waiting for him to come around, stop waiting for him to tell you you're loveable.... he isn't loveable Beth.... don't allow him to keep you waiting and spinning...
smile95 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I have no idea how I even let that happen. What you wrote actually made me tear up. So I am drained, I am in limbo, in love with a manipulative prick, and have no self esteem or worth. Maybe getting out of limbo is my first step. Maybe I just decide in my head that I am getting out of limbo and face reality that it is over. I am saying it is over and not waiting for him to say it. WHo cares if he knows I am done or not. He will know once he calls. I guess once I let go of hope, maybe th self esteem and worth will follow? I just do not know ho to go about convincing myself it is over when the facts are that he comes back???
Outcast Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Beth, you need that list. And then you need to take it to a therapist and find out why you 'love' someone who mistreats you. You must realize that is utter craziness.
smile95 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I do realize it. 100%. I guess I need to stop rationalizing all he did to me and stop the denial. I have to accpet that someone I loved and thought loved me, did not. that is a hard pill to swallow when his words were so convincing. I still feel in his own head he felt he did love me.
Outcast Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I still feel in his own head he felt he did love me. Maybe he did. Maybe he didn't. But you absolutely must consider actions over words and you know that no matter what he SAID, what he DID was not loving.
smile95 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I know this. I am finally not only seeing it, but feeling it. I have to push thru the urges to contact him.He really is my drug right now. thanks everyone!
Merin Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 I have no idea how I even let that happen. What you wrote actually made me tear up. So I am drained, I am in limbo, in love with a manipulative prick, and have no self esteem or worth. Maybe getting out of limbo is my first step. Maybe I just decide in my head that I am getting out of limbo and face reality that it is over. I am saying it is over and not waiting for him to say it. WHo cares if he knows I am done or not. He will know once he calls. I guess once I let go of hope, maybe th self esteem and worth will follow? I just do not know ho to go about convincing myself it is over when the facts are that he comes back??? When someone is manipulative (and your EX is) it can take you by suprise at how thier words and thier actions have taken your self esteem... you don't see it coming really because you're so busy trying to be better and try harder... You are NOT in Love with this Guy Beth... Love doesn't make you feel bad... he is a habit a lot like smoking, you know it isn't good for you, and the funny thing is it is the smoking that takes you away from the feeling of calm to begin with... but you're addicted... and it's hard to quit even when the package says it can kill you. You don't have to be in limbo, YOU have CONTROL of YOURSELF and your life Beth... it IS YOUR decision to not allow someone to make you feel bad, or keep you waiting. You don't need his permission to end it for yourself.
NewLee40 Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Alpha, I have to disagree that narcissist=bad boy. I married a narcissist and he was a minister. The opposite of the typical bad boy. Yes, oh, yes, he WAS indeed a bad boy...but it wan't his badness that attracted me, but the illusion of goodness. After he revealed his true colors, I was in such shock, it took me years to figure it all out, gather the courage to leave, and then recover. Men don't have the corner on narcissism. Women can be narcissists, too. There are women who are attracted to bad boys, and women who are attracted to bitches. I do not disagree that this is a classic pattern for some people. Its just impossible to generalize.
Author At Peace Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 When we are going through a very emotional and difficult time as a result of a relationship breakup, its impossible to dettach and see things as they really are and were. If it were easy we'd brush it off and go 'la de dah' and forget the ex. But we are on these boards because we have each been through the throes of heartache. Writing a list of how your relationship was, is not the same as writing THE LIST as to what was not satisfactory for you in that relationship. Facing a truth gives you good standing. How to go on from the confusion. Clinging to hope or false hope is fine, but if you know where the weak parts of the relationship are you can sit and be with yourself and say is this what I want? Does this make me happy? Did it make me happy? Why? It's a building block. Once you have that list it's pretty much hard to be in denial.
Author At Peace Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 I want to share with those of you who have been on this thread some interesting news. Maybe it was the cosmic energy (and I do believe in the thoughts and energy we send out some how answers come back in ways we never expected) Yesterday the ex, called me. Hmmm. Strange that I was writing out that list and discussing its benefits and he would call after weeks of silence, with exception to one benign e-mail. He actually wanted to meet for dinner. Whoa! I agreed. We did. Only the person who sat before him was not the same. I looked at him with a sense of freedom I had long forgotten. We finally got around to discussing our different perceptions of the relationship, or rather I should say, I without fighting or hysterics, told him how I viewed what transpired between us. I even mentioned how I discovered a website (didn't tell him the exact info on us at LS..let him go search around and find his own self improvement group) and decribed how we help each other cope with dealing with the disappointment of a broken realtionship. And then I mentioned my LIST. He was snide and said, I'd like to see it. He didn't think I was brave enough to let him know what I really thought. Late last night when I got home, I sent him MY LIST by e-mail and this morning he replied: " Interesting. I dont have time to really think or talk about it now though. There are things I would say you havent got quite right. Additionally, Im starting to think that we had totally different ideas and hopes about and for what was going on between us the whole time." Now whether or not he'll see my point of view...I am ready to face the future knowing the person I had trusted is aware of my contentions. I have a feeling of closure. In some way that LIST became a starting point of taking assessments of my pain and releasing it. I'm ready to move forward.
alphamale Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Now whether or not he'll see my point of view... Hmmm....what is more impt is that communication occurred between you two, not whether or not he sees your P.O.V. Maybe your LIST will take on a life of its own on LS, just like the Lost Guide to No Contact vol. 4
Author At Peace Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 alphamale, true true true. an amazing turn of events. I believe that Infinite Intellgience was at work here.
Author At Peace Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 hey alphamale, Although yesterday I was feeling elated about the turn of events, the unexpected dinner with the ex and exposing my LIST to him..I'm having a down moment here now. Did I make a mistake in doing that? For sure its a nail in the coffin having let him know what I really thought. If I hadn't felt so cocky I could have not jump the gun and waited to see how he would have been, afterall he made the effort to contact me. I can't change what's happened I'm just feeling what??? Sadness, at what ridding this saga in my life.
Outcast Posted September 15, 2005 Posted September 15, 2005 I can't believe that after figuring out why you shouldn't want him back, you're now regretting preventing yourself from taking him back. He hasn't changed. People don't change that radically unless they have had life-changing experiences like a near-death event. You are still stuck in the vain hope that it will be 'like it was at the beginning' - the poisonous belief that keeps perfectly good people in perfectly awful relationships - or returning to them time and again. Look at your list, woman! 4. Lack of empathy for people. Extremely judgemental. Labeled everyone as losers. And himself as a Person of Superior Intellect, that's why he could help anyone. See he would paint a nice face to impress but underneathe/ behind their backs he would label everyone something belittling. You think all of a sudden some magic fairy has brushed him with her wand and turned him empathic? In fact this will be the very basis for all the problems you had with him. Selfish people don't just turn benevolent all of a sudden. At best, he played at caring what you thought to maybe try to suck you back in. Don't fall for it.
Author At Peace Posted September 15, 2005 Author Posted September 15, 2005 Outcast, I really appreciate your reply..I was (hate to admit it) feeling guilty. I am not aggresive and now the idea that I unleashed my grievances on him (which is not characteristic of me) fills me with guilt, that I went too far.
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