At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I read somewhere on one of the replies that making a list of all the things we didn't really like about the ex, is helpful. You know what..it is! It's A REALITY CHECK. And the more I wrote the more stuff I realized I had suppressed which is why I had a hard time lettig go. THE TRUTH sets us free from the delusional love we hang onto of people who have hurt us. AM I to blame? Well, since I was hurting I could say I was but I was not looking at reality truthfully. I was LYING to myself. To be with someone. SO now this thread is for any of you who want to take control. I am writing out my list and its ongoing because I'm looking at what my world was with my ex...ugly. If you look at my list, see it as WHAT IS NOT ACCEPTABLE FOR YOU OR ANYONE. So let me be the first to get this thread started: What was unsatisfactory and disappointing in my relationship with my ex. 1. he was a rage-aholic. Whenever he didn't like something I said or became frustrated i.e. if I express the wish to see him or questioned why he gave me the silent treatment, a barrage of verbal assaults would come, to the point I was in shock. And would end up trying to calm him down or worse apologizing for getting him upset. 2. Under the guise of trying to help me, he would criticize me. Mock my weight or mock my being senistive (not able to get his jokes). He was extremely sarcastic and felt he was just having a laugh. 3. Never showed genuine interest in my achievements. He would say he was happy if I got a job (in the acting field) but never showed support in my projects. Never had time to see my work because he was "too busy" Too Busy was a phrase he often used to avoid seeing me when I wanted to see him. 4. Lack of empathy for people. Extremely judgemental. Labeled everyone as losers. And himself as a Person of Superior Intellect, that's why he could help anyone. See he would paint a nice face to impress but underneathe/ behind their backs he would label everyone something belittling. 5. Never introduced me to his friends. On hindsight I think he wanted to keep me separate or he didn't have any. Or he was probably playing sweet guy to someone else inorder to have another new interest on the side. 6. No respect for my opinions. He was always right. 7. Give me the silent-treatment. Not write or call, e-mail. Then pop up and (see #1) 8. Not generous. Never gave me a gift or present or a flower . Ok, one birthday card and a jar of jam from greece! 9. Obsessed with his own looks to the point of it being just plain weird. Constantly checking his weight on a scale every ten minutes. Or binging on junk food then starving himself for days. 10. He drop hints that other girls were hotter than me. Through glancing at females slyly as they passed by or just in conversation when we were not even talking about it. I'm not boasting here but I am not unattractive but I would end up feeling "not good enough". That's the top ten right off the bat. More to come. But I'm seeing it and letting these anchors go, in order to see what I have been carrying around. Take from this and learn to let these memories not interrupt our future healing.
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I think you also need to examine closely why you were with someone who was unsatisfactory and disappointing.
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 Of course I am doing that as well! Heck that goes without saying but I was in extreme denial and people are and my lists is clearly a reflection of that! Look at the boards and replies and the heartbreak. Some of us are in that boat! But I am not afraid to open up and make a start and this listing is my start.
JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Alpha - At Peace was with a Narcissist. Until you've been with one you can't truly understand. I've tried to explain it to friends but none of them get it. If I tell anyone who has been with a Narcissist they understand completely. At Peace - Good for you. I'm glad you got away from this guy. Its going to take a lot of time to get past what happened but the first step in getting over it is seeing him for who he really is, not the picture of himself that he paints for you.
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Alpha - At Peace was with a Narcissist. you mean a "bad boy"...yeah, women love them
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 My list isn't just to finger point but to give each of insight on who we've allowed to hurt us. Mine happens to have been a guy, but if you are a guy and have been hurt by a gf/or bf post your list too...We can all see where we veered off course. If seeing my list distrubs you or anyone out there, go to another post, but if there's something you recognize say to yourself hmm, maybe I'm hanging onto to something that is making me unhappy in my relationship too..and I needn't put up with it until my heart gets broken.
Merin Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 My list isn't just to finger point but to give each of insight on who we've allowed to hurt us. Mine happens to have been a guy, but if you are a guy and have been hurt by a gf/or bf post your list too...We can all see where we veered off course. If seeing my list distrubs you or anyone out there, go to another post, but if there's something you recognize say to yourself hmm, maybe I'm hanging onto to something that is making me unhappy in my relationship too..and I needn't put up with it until my heart gets broken. AP, Good for you sista! Did your Man live in Florida and was in the USMC by chance? My EXBF is on your list.. the son of a !!!! Bad Boys, Jerk Off's, Assclowns, ****ers... call em what'cha want... I can garauntee not ONE of these A`holes started out being stupid in the start of the relationship.... No one would sign up for a bunch of bullsh*t, heart break and for real therapy knowing straight up what they were looking at...
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 Merin, No mine was a englishman in nyc, but I'm gathering he's got membership to this house of relationship horrors along with a load of others all across this country! You get where I'm coming from and that's what matters!
JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Mine was a social worker in NY. Maybe we should get all of our ex's together in a room and they could start a nice little social club. Or we could just use the room as target practice
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 englishman in nyc, ! thats a song by Sting...
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 alphamale, yeah it was a song...in my case it was reality! (uggh)
Outcast Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 you mean a "bad boy"...yeah, women love them think you also need to examine closely why you were with someone who was unsatisfactory and disappointing. This is precisely why any woman with half a brain stays miles away from a 'bad boy'. Mind you, a lot of guys like this initially present themselves as anything but 'bad boys'. They're charming, interesting, and treat you well. Until the initial few months have passed. Then you find the rest of the iceberg, but usually by then, the charming, delightful behaviour of the early relationship has you hooked. And you keep thinking that each instance of this 'bad boy' behaviour is an anomaly. It often takes making a list like this to help you add it all up and realize that this boy is truly a bad, bad deal.
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 those quotes "bad boy" and "you should examine closely" were coming I think from Alphamale. As a way of not looking at the purpose of what my list signifies. I am looking at the distorted reality I went through. In the process of pining and hurting and crying and denying, the suggestion made by another member on this board seemed like a good idea. After I did it, I wanted to share want I learned by doing it. I've read throughout the threads various heartbreaks, but the LIST is a way of removing the rose colored glasses. By posting it here I am letting and exposing I refused to face and what held me back in recovering by not facing it. Yeah, and seeing all the responses from you all, like this is resourceful. AND so to each of you, if this effort makes me one step stronger could it be a bad idea to try it for yourself. Isn't recovering and coping the whole point of exposing the truth. Even to ourselves...unpleasant as it may be.
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 those quotes "bad boy" and "you should examine closely" were coming I think from Alphamale. As a way of not looking at the purpose of what my list signifies. With all due respect, AT PEACE....your list was superb but to keep this from happening again and again in the future you need to look deeply inside yourself and figure out why you are attracted to men like him...
JS17 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Alpha, here's the concept that you don't seem to be with us on.... Mind you, a lot of guys like this initially present themselves as anything but 'bad boys'. They're charming, interesting, and treat you well. Until the initial few months have passed. Then you find the rest of the iceberg, but usually by then, the charming, delightful behaviour of the early relationship has you hooked.
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Alpha, here's the concept that you don't seem to be with us on.... big deal JS17...women do this as much as men do...get used to it, it is part of life and part of human nature.
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 Ok Ok Everyone, Take a deep breath. Obviously I didn't make the point of making the list clear to you. Yes, there are deeper issues to look at as to why I was attracted to that personality type. NO DOUBT ABOUT THAT My list for all of you to see, is getting away from behind the illusion I had about him. I wasn't interested in making a list of what I was attracted to (I know already how I idolized him) and why I excused his behavior...charming when he wanted to be and I was stuck on that. MY LISTING is for slapping sense into me. It's operating the rational side of my brain, getting away from the operating from my heart and emotional side. Seeing it makes me look at what I was so willing to settle for. The heart and the brain operate on separate engines.
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 The heart and the brain operate on separate engines. ain't that the truth, AT PEACE!!!
sanne Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 i gotta agree with alpha on this one. yes most of us have been duped by people who we thought were honest and trustworthy. it's ok to be hurt and angry, but dwelling on it does not do us any good. these kind of people aren't worth the time or energy.
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 Each person takes a different road for their recovery...and discovery. One's person's dwelling is another person's way of comprehending what went on in their relationship and perhaps they will find a grain of truth that helps them grow.
sanne Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Each person takes a different road for their recovery...and discovery. One's person's dwelling is another person's way of comprehending what went on in their relationship and perhaps they will find a grain of truth that helps them grow. i absolutely agree that some amount of reflection is NECESSARY to the healing process, but it must not be overdone. at some point you will have to move forward, and the only way to do so is to let go of the past.
Author At Peace Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 Sanne, I agree with you too..but come on have you checked out the threads and posts on this board? People aren't doing as you say... letting go of the past. My suggsetion of making THE LIST is just one way of helping. Take it as that. If you don't need it that's great. Someone tonight may just be inclined and if this discussion about it has been of help where's the problem? How can anyone judge the "some amount of reflection is NECSESSARY" for each individual?
lindya Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Sanne, My suggsetion of making THE LIST is just one way of helping. Take it as that. If you don't need it that's great. The list is a really good idea. Think of the most confident, self assured woman you know. How do you think she would have responded to the various behaviours you listed? Imagine yourself having responded in a similar way - almost as if you're rewriting the script of your relationship. The rewritten relationship will probably end up being an extremely brief one. By managing your own reactions to other people's unpleasant behaviour, you can often minimise whatever stimulation it is that they get from inflicting that behaviour on you. An opportunist like your ex will encourage and praise attributes such as sensitivity and femininity...whilst secretly appraising them as "weaknesses" that he intends to exploit to the hilt once he's certain that you've formed an attachment to him. As others have said, that sort knows what he's doing, knows that he can't afford to show his true colours early on...and it's easy to get caught up in the charade. Now that you've been through it, and had time to compile and analyse examples of his skankiness, you'll be better equipped to handle any future encounters with people like that. I'm convinced that spending a bit of time properly assessing and learning from this experience will leave you with better insight, sharper instincts and fewer inhibitions about giving these abusive, manipulators the firm "f*** off" message that their behaviour merits, as soon as their real personality (if you can call it a personality) begins to emerge. I think you're wise to do a bit of reflecting on this experience
Outcast Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 those quotes "bad boy" and "you should examine closely" were coming I think from Alphamale. Yes, I know. It's him I was answering which is why I quoted him. In the process of pining and hurting and crying and denying, the suggestion made by another member on this board seemed like a good idea That was my suggestion, actually i absolutely agree that some amount of reflection is NECESSARY to the healing process, but it must not be overdone. at some point you will have to move forward, and the only way to do so is to let go of the past. There are several people on this board who have been here a long time, constantly returning to or pining for partners who have mistreated them. It is precisely because they have refused to reflect on the past and really take an honest look at the relationship. Making the list and reminding yourself how badly you've been treated is a critical step in moving on and you naysayers who are criticizing this process need to comprehend that it is the ONLY way to get some people unstuck from relationships they otherwise are unable to extricate themselves from. It is all too human a trait to recall the good, enjoyable, pleasurable times in a relationship and to believe, against all evidence, that 'if only' the person would be like that again, life would be heaven. Making your list and reading it often reminds you that the dreamy pleasurable time was a tiny bit of the overall relationship and that after the first fuzzy days of bliss, things changed for the worse, never got better, and, realistically never will.
smile95 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 I have to disagree with a bad boy = a Narcissist. Yes, they may be bad boys, but there is so much more to someone with NPD. SO much. Not sure who said this, but my ex was int he USMC....is there something about them that makes them so darn selfish and emotionless!!!! I have made a list before and it never helped. Maybe I need to make another and then make a list of what I want and see how they compare.
Recommended Posts