crazy lady Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 My husband of nearly ten years left me on Saturday. This is not the first time. He left me about five years ago. I do not understand this. Both times his reasoning is that he just can't do this right now. I am fairly young. Married very young. I am not ugly but I am no babe. We have two beautiful daughters and I don't understand how you could create a family and not want to be part of it. We have had our share of struggles. We have been going to marriage counceling for a couple of months as our relationship has not been so good for a few years now. He does not participate in our lives. He watches T.V., plays video games and is overall lazy. He rarely cooks, very rarely cleans pays no attention to me and is mean to our oldest child. He lies, steals from our savings account and yet, I still love this man. I can never get him to be intimate with me. I am lucky if I get sex once every 4 weeks. I could go on and on about this man but you don't want details. All my friends and family are shocked at the things he has done and not done throughout the past ten years. Why can't I let go? Our children are doing very well with the separation/divorce. They don't know any different as their dad does not do anything with them. For this, I am grateful but sad. I am glad to see they are not suffering much but sad that their father is missing out on so much. I am doing okay with this as this is round #2 and things don't appear to be much different as far as the day to day life. My house is much more quiet without the T.V. blaring and I am not so frustrated seeing him sit there on the couch while I do everything. I feel less stressed today than I have in a while. Even still, if he called me today and wanted to come back, I would take him back. I miss him so much. What do I miss?? What is my problem?? I know I deserve better than this but my heart says I want him. I feel like a complete idiot. I feel that with two children now, I will have a hard time finding the thing I want most in life; a family. A man to love and cherish all of us. I want a partnership, a best friend and lover. Am I asking too much? Link to post Share on other sites
Merin Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Habits are hard to break... your Husband is a habit, something you've become accustom to... ever notice how sometimes Children that are negleted will act out in bad behaviour to get attention? Even when it's negative attention it is still someone looking and giving them attention.. IMO this is no different... although your Husband is clearly an a**h*** and he isn't good for you (or your kids) he is a habit that is around looking at you (see where I'm going with this?) even though he is negative, it's what you've become accustom to so you accept that. The thing here thats really bothering me (although it's disturbing on all levels) is that you've said he is mean to your oldest Child.... this is so not okay! It is one thing as an adult to choose to stay with an abuser and something entirely different to allow ANYONE (especially a parent) to be mean or abusive to your child. I know you don't want your girls to grow up and think this is acceptable behaviour from a Guy right?! Don't allow the fear to take hold of you in thinking you will never have anyone else in your life so why not stay with him.... your husband has damaged your self esteem here and feeds off of that... he does these things knowing you are afraid and knowing you will take him back so he does what he wishes. There isn't anything wrong with you honey... this is your husbands deal you couldn't love him better or just do more.... you've done all you can. It's time to think about YOU and your little people FIRST. Take baby steps in getting out when you can.... assure your Girls that the 3 of you are going to be fine (because you are!) Do NOT under any circumstances contact his dumb ass UNLESS it's with an attorney... You don't owe him anything. Please seek out counseling for YOURSELF and your Kiddo's.... reach out to your family and friends for help and support.... Don't waste another 10 years on this Guy..... it is only when he see's you're SERIOUS and you're NOT taking anymore of his sh*t that he will either do EVERYTHING in his power to make things right, or he can **** off and do whats legally right for you and the girls while you go on with your life. Hang in there Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted September 13, 2005 Share Posted September 13, 2005 Am I asking too much? yes, what you're asking for usually exists in fantasy and not in reality. life is tough but so are people. Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy lady Posted September 14, 2005 Author Share Posted September 14, 2005 My biggest fear is that I will start to move on with my life, get to a point where I am doing well and he will want to come back into my life. He has done this before. I do realize that significant changes will need to be made for me to consider doing this with him again. Especially where my oldest child is concerned. I am hoping that this space will help him to realize how important his children are to him and will start spending quality time with them. I am hopeful that with him not seeing the girls that often, he will start treating our oldest daughter like he should. He has never been on his own. We were married very young. Is it optimistic to think that this may be the kick in the butt he needs to grow up and take care of the responsibilities he has created?? Is it possible for a person to change after so long? Don't get me wrong, I don't want to continue to waste my time with this. I am just terrified that he will want to come back into our lives just as soon as I am moving on and things have become more "mentally stable." Am I ready for this to happen a third time? Hell no! But, I keep wondering if my next marriage ends up in divorce as well. Is that not the same boat? Is it worth trying to keep my family together? Link to post Share on other sites
debilou Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 Start on yourself, asap! This is NOT about him anymore. Life is hard. Marriage is harder. Read my thread "Recently separated and depressed". My saga started almost 1 year ago. I've read alot of self help books and am in counseling. One book that I think could help you is "Controlling People". Not sure of the author. You've got to figure out why you put up with so much crap. I'm not pointing fingers because I've put up with more than anyone who posts here. This is a great web site for you to get your head straight. Everyone really seems to care. Debilou Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy lady Posted September 15, 2005 Author Share Posted September 15, 2005 Thank you all for the advice. I decided yesterday after seeing my husband, that he really is not worth the agony I am putting myself through. I am definitely shifting my focus from trying to save this marriage to making sure my girls and I are taken care of. As hard as this is, I have two beautiful girls who need me and I need them. Hopefully this will create a stronger bond for us. I realize that I am worth having and if my husband is to dumb to see it, that's his loss. Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 15, 2005 Share Posted September 15, 2005 In posting #3 in this thread, I explain the latest development in my own life; in brief, I found that once I accepted the inevitability of my situation, it allowed me to start focusing on the future, while regarding the past with respectful contemplation, but not obsession. I also have kids who need me and I need them, and my profound joy and honor at being their father is one of the things that nourishes me. Can you accept the possibility of a good future without him? Now start imagining what it will look like. Now move forward and start working toward that with flexibility, joy, confidence, humility, etc... Link to post Share on other sites
Author crazy lady Posted September 19, 2005 Author Share Posted September 19, 2005 I am moving on without him. I have noticed that things are more peaceful at home. My daughters, especially my oldest, seem to be much happier. I am nervous as to what the future holds for me but I am not letting that set me back. I am very lucky to have my daughters and could not imagine my life without them. This was my first weekend without my girls. It was hard dropping them off to my ex. It was horrible being without them. When does this get easier? How long does the pain last? I am sick of waking up with this pit in my stomach at the crack of dawn every morning. Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
Trimmer Posted September 19, 2005 Share Posted September 19, 2005 CL: I hope for you that the nervous feeling you have about the future will gradually change in to an excited anticipation. Now you have control! If there were obstacles in your way before, there are fewer now. I don't know what to tell you about being away from the kids, but in general, it seems that the consensus is that if you keep looking forward and doing the best you can, the good moments, the good hours, the good days, will happen more often and the bad ones less often. When I have an "up" moment or day or whatever, I try to bask in it and I tell myself, "remember this, remember this." Then when I'm down, I try to recall that good time. It doesn't necessarily make me feel completely better instantly, but it at least lifts my hope enough to keep me from getting hopeless, or it stops my heart beating quite so fast when I get that pit-in-the-stomach feeling, or it lets me relax just enough to get back to sleep if I wake up worrying at 3 am. Even when you don't feel good, trust that there will be good times ahead of you... Link to post Share on other sites
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