Was I Right In Feeling This Way?

[BambooSticks]

I have been dating this guy for 5-6 months now, having not dated in years due to a traumatic break-up with a guy who went back to his ex after 3 years of our being together.

 

So it's been rough with this new guy. He is very sweet, softly spoken, awkward, has no friends but we liked spending time and it developed into a relationship.

 

Thing is: his Chinese ex-girlfriend was in the picture. They'd broken up 2 years ago yet she still came over (sometimes without him telling me), she'd give him gifts she saw that reminded her of him, they'd meet for coffee, and so on. Plus, though he just bought his new place, her things like her perfume etc are scattered through-out his new place and unpacked (ex: her perfumes and things beside his).

 

I lost trust in him and began to question her motives, and his motives also when he did not tell me she'd been over. He berated my lack of trust. We broke up a few times over the fighting.

 

We worked things out re the ex when I explained my fears and concerns. I see him most days of the week, and when not, he's home reading and takes his time responding to my texts saying he doesn't like texting much, and to give him time, he will respond (when I'm with him though, he seems always on his phone, responding quickly to others, but I shrugged off his non-interest in wishing to message me).

 

Most recently, there's this other Chinese girl... He has been going once-a-month for the last few months now to a Confucianism Meet-up. They do activities like bush-walking plus discuss the topic of Confucianism. He asked me to come to the Meet-Up a few weeks ago and I met the group. A lovely Chinese girl hosts the meet-up and at times during the bushwalk he would leave my side to go walk beside her then when time wore on he'd come back to my side...

 

He told me when he first met her that he'd liked her and wondered if he could date her (my alarm bells started going). He also said over this last weekend that because he has no friends, he's going to her Meetup to get to know her, not for the Confucianism discussions she offers (more red flags).

 

We went to her Meetup Saturday morning and it was awkward being there knowing he goes purely to get to know her. We did archery and he had to stand beside me talking while another guy stood beside her talking with her. My guy says to me during our conversation: "the only bad thing about this activity is there's no interaction." (He and I were interacting, she and the other guy were interacting... So I'm thinking he's down because he's not getting to interact with her).

 

Saturday night: i was reading my poetry to him Saturday Night and during that time, she messaged the Confucianism group saying she'd just been watching a comedy that turned violent so she switched it off. When he saw that message, his face lit up and he said to me, "I want to respond to her but I don't want to seem too eager!" I was like WTF?! He then went on to respond to her asking what movie, and 30 minutes later he said to me "Now I feel like watching that violent comedy."

 

I'm not sure what to think here... Was he too eager because he likes her still? Why is he so eager?Considering I can't get him so eager when he and I are messaging, why is he so spritely about this girl?

 

The next day (Sunday), one of her guy friends messages him to say that she's thinking about no longer holding these Meetups and the guy asks him to provide her with reassurance that's they're worth holding. He says ok. I go home, he's not keen to message me that night saying he wants quiet time but is on facebook and Whatsapp.

 

Come to yesterday morning (Tuesday morning), I had stayed the night at his and in the morning we make love, get ready for work, I drop him at the train station, and drive to work.

 

Rather than thank me for the love making, wishing me a good day, saying he appreciated me cleaning his home, treating his sunburn, loving him, aiming his love my way; he is sitting in that train to work, thinking of her and sends her a group message saying thank you for Saturday's Meetup, it was great, and the discussion afterward was great too.

 

I reached the end of my tether and said it wasn't right that he seems all about her lately. His eagerness to message her, his keenness to get to know her, his thoughts about how to get to her place and whether they'd be compatible.

 

We broke up. I said I wasn't keen to date someone more eager to get to know and interact with another woman than me, and who friend-zones by saying he didn't want to seem to eager responding to another girl... He swore and called me bat **** crazy and blocked/deleted me.

 

Am I bat **** crazy??? or were my concerns valid? I know I have insecurities from the past, and have trust issues, I can't tell right from wrong anymore, but was I that wrong to think it didn't feel right?

 

I apologise for this post becoming lengthy at it has, and thank you for reading and any feedback you may wish to provide.

Edited November 27, 2018 by BambooSticks

[lana-banana]

Of course you have a right to be upset. But did you ever actually establish you were dating exclusively, as boyfriend and girlfriend? This honestly sounds more like a friends-with-benefits situation or something very, very casual.

 

- He texted everyone before you and ignored you in favor of friends on Facebook and Whatsapp

- He openly told you he wanted to date her

- He told you he wanted to hang out with her

- He prioritized even the *chance* to hang out with her over *actually* spending time with you

- He was and is continually focused on her

 

I would be devastated if anyone I cared about treated me like this, but I also would never tolerate it in the first place. Are you sure he considered himself your boyfriend? It sounds like he was content to hang out and have casual sex but this girl was always the one he wanted. He didn't even bother trying to hide it. Maybe he was confused about why it upset you so much after 5-6 months even though he has been after her from the get-go.

 

In the future, if a man isn't willing to make you number one, don't return the favor. Don't give more than you get in the early stages of dating.

[ExpatInItaly]

Of course you have a right to be upset. But did you ever actually establish you were dating exclusively, as boyfriend and girlfriend? This honestly sounds more like a friends-with-benefits situation or something very, very casual.

 

That was my impression, too.

 

He doesn't sound like he was ever that interested in you, OP. How did you meet him?

[CantTakeMySmile]

You would only be bat sh*t crazy if you HADN"T of broken up with this guy. He just wants to be friends with you.

[Veronica73]

No, you’re not crazy. He was using you. I guess maybe you are crazy for putting up with that treatment for so long.

[BambooSticks]

Thank you. I can't make him see how his response and keen reaction to her hurt me and made me question his faithfulness to me. He responded with a barrage of disdain toward me (see below) despite stating that he likes her. He wrote:

 

And i don't know what you have said to the poor girl who is caught up in the middle of this necessary and ungrounded loose cannon outburst.

And fyi. I think she is not someone suited to me as a partner. Although yes as i said i like her.

And i said i didnt want to be keen in responding for the same reason as that.

And i don't know what you have told her but you will only make a fool of yourself because i will not change. I am secure in who i am.

I think what you did by telling her and the group is manipulative and immature.

And then again after spending great quality time together. Your dr jeckyl and my hyde split personality emerges and i get a huge dummy spit over it, a text message thanking her for the Meetup.... in a group forum.

The pattern repeats like your issues with my ex. Good quality time together. Followed by an immature and emotionally insecure outburst against me.

You live in a fantasy world.

I don't agree with it. it is stifling and non sensical to me.

I just want to be happy. So i need distance from you.

It is wierd. Normal people wouldnt feel that way. But the issue is not her. This is the same pattern like with my ex, repeating in a different set of circumstances.

Goodbye. I am too busy to continue this. You have issues with jelousy. And its making you attack me and cut me down over the slightest social interaction. Think of how i must feel If i can't ask a girl what movie she is watching. And thanking her for her meetup group. Without copping an earful of emotional abuse from my supposed girlfriend about it.

If you cannot see this you have pathological issues. I will talk to, be friends with and participate in any group i want to without my girlfriend ripping into me over it.

You are nothing but arrows and barbed wire and fire and toxicity. I do believe you have a pathological issue. I cant see the wrong in it. Except from your attitude which destroyed everything. You’re pathological. Your mind just makes things up and you believe it to the point of being irrational.

There is nothing going on with me and her you idiot.

Your a fool and it's painful. And fyi. I think melissa is not someone suited to me as a partner. Although yes as i said i like her. And i said i didnt want to be keen in responding for the same reason as that.

You have dysfunctional personality. Goodbye.

[BambooSticks]

We met via an online dating site.

[preraph]

I think he thinks this is just a sexual relationship with you and he definitely isn't exclusive with you. He is obviously real into these other ladies and he's kind of deluded to think that him talking about wanting to connect with her shouldn't bother you. He just doesn't care. He's just getting sex from you and now he's somehow gotten so comfortable telling you hurtful things that he thinks you don't care. This isn't going anywhere. He's constantly fishing that pond and he's right up front about it. Forget about him and don't think every guy will behave like that. It's odd to say the least. Honestly, it reminds me of an old professor acquaintance of mine who has been married forever but gets involved with Asian students right in front of his wife and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it, but it's actually a fetish for him. It's nuts.

 

To put it in perspective, let's just reverse the situation, except you're all interested in actively going after relationships with guys, and you go about it just like he does. Can you imagine any man going along with it for even one day? Of course not.

[BambooSticks]

That was my impression, too.

 

He doesn't sound like he was ever that interested in you, OP. How did you meet him?

 

Thanks for your feedback. I met him via an online dating site.

[basil67]

The only thing you have to learn is to not break up a few times over something like this. Break up just once and be done.

[nolanola]

OMG this guy is a douche. Sorry. I know sometimes we meet someone and they seem good at first -- we don't want to think of them badly so we ignore some of the red flags that pop up. I also can relate to you. I was in a very toxic and abusive relationship for many years and didn't date for a long time afterwards. When I met someone that was promising a few years later, I was deathly afraid that they would treat me badly and was hyperaware of any hint of cheating or lying. I didn't trust myself to know what was right and wrong.

 

This guy has problems judging by the way he responded to you. For him to sit there and say that you are crazy is manipulative and wrong. He's trying to minimize his super shady behavior to make it seem like you're the one that's nuts. YOU'RE NOT!! You are absolutely right to kick him to the curb. Please do not talk to him ever again. He does not deserve your company or attention.