ChatroomHero Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 I think your first issue is blaming everything on, "I was pressuring him". From what you wrote it looks like you told a couple of guys you were at least somewhat deeply interested and they rejected you. It was not because you were pressuring them, but you were dating guys that didn't want exactly what you wanted. With the last guy, sometimes fwb gets boring and you think you want to move on to a real relationship, but the reason you don't with a fwb is you feel they are good enough for sex, but not "the one". If you are "the one" in their eyes, they usually won't work towards fwb, instead they want more. When he got tired of the situation or felt you were getting too attached he backed off. Then a day or two later probably thought about wanting to keep the sex on the table for the future. It's like he wants to give it up but realizes if he gives it up he loses the sure thing. If you want more, you need to look for guys that want more. If you only want fwb, you need to understand that it's not always a long term thing and guys looking for fwb are usually ready to check out if you show too much interest. They don't dislike you but they don't want to have any expectations of having to put in effort other than a hey, wanna bang and then not talk for a week or two? 1
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 I think your first issue is blaming everything on, "I was pressuring him". From what you wrote it looks like you told a couple of guys you were at least somewhat deeply interested and they rejected you. It was not because you were pressuring them, but you were dating guys that didn't want exactly what you wanted. With the last guy, sometimes fwb gets boring and you think you want to move on to a real relationship, but the reason you don't with a fwb is you feel they are good enough for sex, but not "the one". If you are "the one" in their eyes, they usually won't work towards fwb, instead they want more. When he got tired of the situation or felt you were getting too attached he backed off. Then a day or two later probably thought about wanting to keep the sex on the table for the future. It's like he wants to give it up but realizes if he gives it up he loses the sure thing. If you want more, you need to look for guys that want more. If you only want fwb, you need to understand that it's not always a long term thing and guys looking for fwb are usually ready to check out if you show too much interest. They don't dislike you but they don't want to have any expectations of having to put in effort other than a hey, wanna bang and then not talk for a week or two? Dating takes practice and having a knack for weeding out men who either want something serious or don't, but guys are not going to come out and say they want a relationship. Most of the time I don't think they are looking for one, but if they happen to meet a woman who knocks him off his feet he'll realize that he wants her and only her. I met a guy at a bar back in April and we got to talking very casually about various topics. At one point I felt he was looking at me differently, but I couldn't tell for sure. Once I decided to leave the bar, he walked me out and asked for my number. He said he wanted to take me out,,the next day. I gave him my number, but left the date for the next week. I didn't want to seem too eager. He was nice enough and attractive enough and the first date went well. He was very interested in me and acted like a perfect gentleman. As time went on, I felt he wasn't providing me with enough of a challenge meaning I knew exactly how he felt about me, where he wanted it to, and how much he wanted to please me. I'm used to the mystery emotionally unavailable men provide. My feelings weren't growing so I slept with him because I figured I'd feel a bond. I didn't. Things remained the same and I checked out. Most likely because I was still hung up on this current guy. But probably not. If he really wowed me, this current guy would have been hung out to dry. So I think this is an internal issue I have to deal with. Or was it that I just wasn't attracted enough to the nice guy? If the current guy treated me nicely and predictably would I have acted the same or would I have been game for something serious? The other two guys who rejected me, well, one was an alcoholic depressive who cheated several times on his girlfriends so I dodged a bullet and the other guy was a love bomber from the start and when I let my guard down and said it back, he got nervous so dodged another bullet there as well. We have actually remained friends. He got into a relationship with someone who left not once, but twice and he had to go into therapy. Some people say that's karma, who knows, but break up's are never fun. We're cordial and respectful with each other these days.
stillafool Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 Men who are emotionally unavailable one day do become available for the the woman he wants to settle down with. He just hasn't met her yet. If you continue to go after only emotionally unavailable men you will end up alone. The women who normally end up marrying these guys never knew they were EU because they've never experienced it with them because he was never that way with them. 1
ChatroomHero Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 (edited) This sounds internal to me. You like the challenges and the drama. If a guy provides that and you get serious, then the scope of things will change and the challenge will be gone at that point. So if the guy you are hung up on suddenly becomes into you, I'd bet it would fizzle out pretty quickly too. If he stuck around, you'd feed off the drama and I don't know how people deal with that over time. At some point for me it's like, geez, can we just go somewhere or do something without it being a major ordeal laced with disappointment? If it works for you, great. I just think it will never really work well like that and you'd be mistaking drama for excitement and anger and frustration for strong feelings and a "bond". I might be wrong, but I think settling down and having an actual relationship scares you and seems boring. Being played and maybe even used is comfortable because you don't have to deal with real relationship things. But that's what really bonds you. Picking car insurance is boring...wondering if a guy will ever respond is exciting. One will bond you, the other will break you down. If you want to bond with someone, you'll have to take the boring along with the fact the chase is over. Edited November 28, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted November 29, 2018 Author Posted November 29, 2018 This sounds internal to me. You like the challenges and the drama. If a guy provides that and you get serious, then the scope of things will change and the challenge will be gone at that point. So if the guy you are hung up on suddenly becomes into you, I'd bet it would fizzle out pretty quickly too. If he stuck around, you'd feed off the drama and I don't know how people deal with that over time. At some point for me it's like, geez, can we just go somewhere or do something without it being a major ordeal laced with disappointment? If it works for you, great. I just think it will never really work well like that and you'd be mistaking drama for excitement and anger and frustration for strong feelings and a "bond". I might be wrong, but I think settling down and having an actual relationship scares you and seems boring. Being played and maybe even used is comfortable because you don't have to deal with real relationship things. But that's what really bonds you. Picking car insurance is boring...wondering if a guy will ever respond is exciting. One will bond you, the other will break you down. If you want to bond with someone, you'll have to take the boring along with the fact the chase is over. You are correct Chatroomhero. I am starting to believe that since my life is just work and home, having drama with a man brings excitement. I think if I had things going on outside like hobbies and passions I might see a guy as an addition to an already full life, but I tend to make men the center of my world and that's not right. I was married for a little while to a man I loved, but he had 4 children and was living in an apartment with a roommate. I was afraid of asking him to leave his apartment so we can move in to a new one together because I was sure his kids would have keys and would walk in whenever they felt like it. Plus his rent was super cheat and I think part of me was afraid of moving away from my neighborhood and making a huge change. Maybe that was what was actually stopping me from giving him my 100%. So we actually never moved in together. Legally we were married, casually we were still boyfriend/girlfriend and that got boring quick. We'd just stay at his place and watch TV or movies, youtube videos, sometimes go eat somewhere or visit the bar, get drunk and stupid. It was the same thing over and over again. It got boring to me and I started to look elsewhere for excitement. That didn't go very well as he then caught me in lies and had a lot of suspicion and I broke his trust. I guess we weren't really going anywhere so we decided to amicably divorce. He's made a point in staying my friend because he wants to (I've tried to cut him off, but he always says he doesn't want that). He hates me talking about this current guy though. In any case, I know I have to work on my insecurities and boundaries and try and give myself a full life to not make a man my world.
Author Lisa_Lisa Posted December 4, 2018 Author Posted December 4, 2018 Well, it's been a week since he said he was sorry but he had to be true and honest with himself. This morning he sent me a Snapchat of his dick and requested to follow me on the medium. I didn't see this till 9 hours later and I accepted his follow. He immediately sent me a convo, but I didn't open it up so he texted me a video of himself and a couple of pictures. I don't need to tell you of what. I wrote him back a half hour later, "I see you," and he replied with some emoji's and so did I. I can only assume he's been bored and lonely since this morning and has probably already taken care of himself. This is not what I meant when I said I want him back. But whatever, it is what it is. I'm assuming he changed his mind and actually wants me to still stick around. I've got to get a life otherwise I will always be at his mercy.
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