Need your input interpretating a text (long thread)

[Lisa_Lisa]

Hello everyone, you may know me by now. I've started a couple threads on this same guy, and although it's over, I'd like your input in interpreting his last text.

 

 

Summary: seeing each other for slightly over a year, casual fwb arrangement (although it didn't start that way), good sex, sometimes good convo, but he always talked about other girls he was seeing that pissed me the hell off. Tried to end it many times, but the last time I tried it, it was in person and something snapped in him that he decided, that was it.

 

 

*disclaimer* I've begun to theorize that during that break up talk, I spoke highly of him and his sexual skills, his eyes, how alive he made me feel, how I liked him for a long time, blah blah blah. Basically I feel like I put a lot of pressure on him.

 

 

 

My last relationship ended back in February 2017 after I said "I love you." Mind you, he had said to me before, but some reason my texting it to him must have pressured him. He didn't text me back and broke up with me the next night.

 

Another guy I was seeing before that one, we got together and he mentioned something about love and I let my guard down and told him I love him and he said it back, but then he got scared and ended it because he felt pressure. When I said, I didn't mean it, it just came out that way, he said oh ok then we can hang again as long as you don't love me. We never really did hang out though.

 

 

So...back to my story....

 

 

This guy wasn't really answering my snaps or gifs so I wrote to him that I'd like us to be friends. Took him two days to answer where he said, "we can be friends I'm glad we had our experiences and connected for sure."

 

 

I was bummed out. It was pretty much a break up text. I wrote, "I didn't want to end it. Still don't." Silence....for two weeks....I knew it was over.

 

 

This Sunday, I cried all day running errands, hanging out with friends (I'd cry in the bathroom)...I was feeling very sorry for myself....I had some drinks and when I got home I texted him, "When can I see you, been thinking about you lately." I was just testing the waters to see what he'd say.

 

 

Guy to Bittersweet: Hey (bittersweet), I can't see you anymore. I thought I made that clear."

 

 

My response: What is the reason tho

 

 

Guy to Bittersweet: I definitely explained this in person. I've decided to take a step to focus on myself and a real relationship. You didn't do anything wrong.

 

 

I started to theorize and analyze and those past two "relationships" came to mind where I feel I scared them off so I decided to write to him to explain myself....this is what I wrote:

 

 

My response: "Guess I was confused because we both wavered back and forth about ending it. I didn't think it was set in stone for you. It certainly wasn't for me. I also didn't think the last time I saw you would be the end which is why I continued to text you.

 

 

I never wanted or want anything serious with you. And of course, nor you with me. I just enjoyed those moments with you and you said things that made me feel like you wanted me to be in your life.

 

 

And now it's a 180 that I feel came out of nowhere. I do want to continue seeing you and I don't want it to end. I know we can never be friends. I just want to keep fu*king you. I hate goodbyes."

 

 

I wanted to make it clear to him that sex was all I really want....and at this point, yes that's all I want. My attention will be set on whatever man I meet next.

 

 

 

Around 11:00 me he wrote me this:

 

 

Guy to Bittersweet: I'm sorry Bittersweet, I have to be honest and true to myself. I hope you stay well.

 

 

My response: It's ok, I respect that. No hard feelings. Be well too.

 

 

I think I handled that with some dignity as I finally accepted we won't be seeing each other anymore, but at least he knew how I felt. So that was it. I went about my day, still crying and listening to "no contact" playlists and watching "no contact" youtube videos.

 

 

I ate some food and washed the dishes and when I checked my phone, I saw that he messaged me. This is the text I need help in interpreting.

 

 

Guy to Bittersweet: Ty hun, I'll always be around. Let's see if my life plans work, if not I'm still up for dat booty (starry eyed emoji) haha. Stay ripe my queen. I'm happy we each other's pornstars on film hehe. You are super cool bittersweet, stay that way and the future will never stop blessing you! I hope we can still be in touch as friends every now and then. Ain't leaving nyc yet haha.

 

 

Your thoughts? He could have just said thank you and be done with it.

[Wallysbears]

He wants a relationship. Just not with you. Sorry to be so blunt.

[stillafool]

I cringed reading your text to him. It is obvious he enjoyed the sex, would be down to do it one more time or not, but has no plans of making you his gf and said so. It's time to really move on from this guy. He couldn't have made it more clear.

[Kelliousme]

Reading this makes me sad.. :'( I think you're a poor soul.. because you've been meeting the wrong men!!

 

Men who back off when their woman tells them they love them are weak cowards. Either they're afraid of commitment, unsure of the woman, or they're afraid to love in general. I'm sorry you had to go through that twice and now this. They're all trash, not worth your time.

 

As for this man, perhaps he does want a relationship.. but yeah just not with you. He just wants you as a sex buddy. And it seems to me you're emotionally invested. Which is not good. You see him as more than a sex partner. You need to let this man go and try to find yourself a decent guy. One who won't run away when you tell them "I love you".

[Lisa_Lisa]

Yikes, I didn't think I'd get these kinds of responses. I've met many good men too. It just didn't work out for one reason or another.

 

 

I do not want a relationship with this guy. Not at all. Yes I am emotionally invested, but not to be his girlfriend or wife. I just wanted to continue enjoying him physically and I hate being rejected. I've learned that a woman should never tell a man how she feels about him unless he asks.

 

 

I believe he pulled away because I told him so much, but it's not like he ever kept his pursuit of other women a secret. I just didn't want to hear about it.

 

 

I was perfectly fine with this being casual. I dated other men whilst with him.

 

 

 

I know I will meet a good man. I just wanted to keep this one around.

[Lorenza]

I think you're lying to yourself...

[PRW]

I've learned that a woman should never tell a man how she feels about him unless he asks.

 

Then you learned the wrong thing from this. Your mistake was not telling how you feel, your mistake was telling the wrong guy how you feel. Men's biggest complaint about women is that they won't be direct about what they feel. The only men who will "ask" you that are the clingy weak ones that are desperate to lock someone down. It is your job as the woman to tell the guy when you want more from the situation,...just accept the fact that the answer isn't always going to be a "Yes".

 

The interpretation of that last text:

 

He met someone he wants to try a relationship with. He is trying to show respect by keeping the details to himself and not rubbing your nose in it. But if that relationship attempt does not work out he is willing to go back to the FWB with you. He doesn't dislike you. He was actually very open with what he was thinking for the most part. I don't think there is any need for this to be translated.

[stillafool]

 

Men who back off when their woman tells them they love them are weak cowards. Either they're afraid of commitment, unsure of the woman, or they're afraid to love in general. I'm sorry you had to go through that twice and now this. They're all trash, not worth your time.

 

 

So even if the man does not love her back he is a weak coward for backing off?

 

Are you saying all men should love a woman who loves them no matter what?

[Lisa_Lisa]

Then you learned the wrong thing from this. Your mistake was not telling how you feel, your mistake was telling the wrong guy how you feel. Men's biggest complaint about women is that they won't be direct about what they feel. The only men who will "ask" you that are the clingy weak ones that are desperate to lock someone down. It is your job as the woman to tell the guy when you want more from the situation,...just accept the fact that the answer isn't always going to be a "Yes".

 

The interpretation of that last text:

 

He met someone he wants to try a relationship with. He is trying to show respect by keeping the details to himself and not rubbing your nose in it. But if that relationship attempt does not work out he is willing to go back to the FWB with you. He doesn't dislike you. He was actually very open with what he was thinking for the most part. I don't think there is any need for this to be translated.

 

 

 

 

Thank you for your interpretation. The thing is he was always clear about who this person is. He didn't just meet her. He met her in grad school and she currently lives in England. He has always said that eventually he wants to be with her. I know this and so did his other ladies whom he dated. He's always been an open book.

 

This is why I think by my being so open about my feelings that night and not compartmentalizing them like I have, it became a lot of pressure for him. Which is why I think his "relationship" excuse is bullsh*t. Like he said he'll always be around and then said he ain't leaving nyc yet. Two conflicting statements.

 

 

 

Part of me feels he's now leaving the door ajar where as before he was cold and distant and pretty much shut it. Then I was accepting and matter-of-fact about it and now he wants to keep it open (at least somewhat).

 

 

 

I know I shouldn't be confused. He doesn't want me. I should move on. And little by little, my emotions are starting to fade, at least I think so. I don't know how I'll feel if I see him again. It's been a month but feels like longer.

[PRW]

And little by little, my emotions are starting to fade, at least I think so. I don't know how I'll feel if I see him again. It's been a month but feels like longer.

 

Time to make up your mind where you want your life to go. FWB has no future. You will just go from guy to guy and bed to bed. I suspect you don't want that.

 

Figure out what you want and go for something that takes you in that direction by design.

Edited November 27, 2018 by PRW

[lana-banana]

You're wayyy overthinking this. He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He sent the last text because he felt like his others might have been a little harsh, that's all.

[kendahke]

I think he was making his last, CIVIL attempt to get through to you that he is done and no more texts, emails, smoke signals are going to change his mind. If you want to debase yourself by being his booty call, he's up for that, but he's not going to be your man.

 

This is done. Please act accordingly.

[kendahke]

Either they're afraid of commitment, unsure of the woman, or they're afraid to love in general.

 

Or they don't love that woman and they're not going to lie to her to make her feel good about something that does not exist except in her mind.

 

Better he be truthful and tell her he doesn't love her than for him to lie, let her live a lie in front of all who love her and have that lie snatch her complete foundation out from under her upon discovery of the truth.

 

This guy, from what OP has written, has been clear as glass about his intentions. She's the one who refuses to understand what is being said clearly to her.

[Lisa_Lisa]

You're wayyy overthinking this. He doesn't want a serious relationship with you. He sent the last text because he felt like his others might have been a little harsh, that's all.

 

 

Well that does make more sense. I guess he wanted to soften the blow. Maybe he didn't want to come off as the bad guy.

 

 

I realized that I may not want a serious relationship with anyone. I can't even imagine being a wife, all that responsibility and living together. It scares me. Commitment and sacrifice for one person seems like so much pressure.

 

 

I think I'm emotionally unavailable and therefore go for the same because as long as they remain detached, I'll never have to afraid of it going somewhere.

 

 

The last guy I dated talked about marriage and living together and it scared the crap out of me. Needless to say I self-sabotaged that and we ended it. I don't feel a need to reach out or look for him because I don't want him.

 

 

Ugh, I have issues, I guess. Or maybe I just haven't met that person with whom I won't feel that fear.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you for your interpretation. The thing is he was always clear about who this person is. He didn't just meet her. He met her in grad school and she currently lives in England. He has always said that eventually he wants to be with her. I know this and so did his other ladies whom he dated. He's always been an open book.

 

This is why I think by my being so open about my feelings that night and not compartmentalizing them like I have, it became a lot of pressure for him. Which is why I think his "relationship" excuse is bullsh*t. Like he said he'll always be around and then said he ain't leaving nyc yet. Two conflicting statements.

 

 

 

When he says he'll always be around i believe he means it as a friend AND let me make this clear it's a throwaway statement just something one says to soften the blow. And same with ain't leaving nyc yet. Door slightly ajar but only because you threw yourself right there on the door mat for anytime sex with no strings. Again a throwaway statement.

 

Basically the very last text was a wrap up text. he was probably a little surprised that it went as civilly as it did and like he said he thinks you are a good person just not it for him. He was really clear about that and i think if he didn't take you up on your sex offer when you hurled yourself at him, anything further no matter WHEN it comes about would be total bottom of the barrel humiliation. Don't do that to yourself. And I agree, with Lorenza (and lots others on this thread), you would be lying to yourself to start back up a casual thing with him. Good luck

[Kelliousme]

So even if the man does not love her back he is a weak coward for backing off?

 

Are you saying all men should love a woman who loves them no matter what?

 

Don't put words in my mouth lol. No, men should not love all women who loves them no matter what. OP was in a relationship with those men.

 

So if they didn't like her, why'd they get into a relationship with her? They make her fall in love with them until she says those 3 magical words. But they suddenly realize they don't feel the same towards her. So they get scared and back off. Instead of confronting her, they ignore her (because even the OP said so herself, one of them felt pressured and "scared"), and then they break up with her the next day. LOL. Fine, if they're not cowards.. they're arseholes.

[stillafool]

Well that does make more sense. I guess he wanted to soften the blow. Maybe he didn't want to come off as the bad guy.

 

 

I realized that I may not want a serious relationship with anyone. I can't even imagine being a wife, all that responsibility and living together. It scares me. Commitment and sacrifice for one person seems like so much pressure.

 

 

I think I'm emotionally unavailable and therefore go for the same because as long as they remain detached, I'll never have to afraid of it going somewhere.

 

 

The last guy I dated talked about marriage and living together and it scared the crap out of me. Needless to say I self-sabotaged that and we ended it. I don't feel a need to reach out or look for him because I don't want him.

 

 

Ugh, I have issues, I guess. Or maybe I just haven't met that person with whom I won't feel that fear.

 

I think you are fooling yourself by saying you don't want a serious relationship and you don't seem emotionally unavailable at all. I think you would have entered a serious relationship with this guy if he wanted it. Emotionally unavailable people would just brush his rejection off and keep it moving but you have displayed the opposite.

[stillafool]

 

Men who back off when their woman tells them they love them are weak cowards. Either they're afraid of commitment, unsure of the woman, or they're afraid to love in general.

 

These are your words not mine and I didn't put them in your mouth.

 

Don't put words in my mouth lol. No, men should not love all women who loves them no matter what. OP was in a relationship with those men.

 

So if they didn't like her, why'd they get into a relationship with her? They make her fall in love with them until she says those 3 magical words. But they suddenly realize they don't feel the same towards her. So they get scared and back off. Instead of confronting her, they ignore her (because even the OP said so herself, one of them felt pressured and "scared"), and then they break up with her the next day. LOL. Fine, if they're not cowards.. they're arseholes.

 

First off, they were not in a relationship but a casual FWB agreement. It isn't his fault she fell in love with him nor is it his fault that he doesn't feel the same way about her.

[kendahke]

 

So if they didn't like her, why'd they get into a relationship with her?

 

There is no relationship here.

 

seeing each other for slightly over a year, casual fwb arrangement

 

An eff buddy/FWB, by definition, is not a relationship. It's a situationship.

 

He liked her, but he didn't love her---and he doesn't have to if he doesn't feel it for her. She fell in love with her eff buddy. That's what this is about.

[olivetree]

I think I'm emotionally unavailable and therefore go for the same because as long as they remain detached, I'll never have to afraid of it going somewhere.

 

This.

 

Ugh, I have issues, I guess. Or maybe I just haven't met that person with whom I won't feel that fear.

 

Based on your dating history, even if you met a great guy, you're not likely going to be attracted to him in your current state.

So it's your issue, not a matter of meeting the right person.

Right now you're only super attracted to EU men / men that aren't as into you as you are into them.

 

Time to work on yourself.

Change what you will allow in your life.

Become someone that is attracted to healthy men and stop running from them towards men that don't want you.

[Lisa_Lisa]

This.

 

 

 

Based on your dating history, even if you met a great guy, you're not likely going to be attracted to him in your current state.

So it's your issue, not a matter of meeting the right person.

Right now you're only super attracted to EU men / men that aren't as into you as you are into them.

 

Time to work on yourself.

Change what you will allow in your life.

Become someone that is attracted to healthy men and stop running from them towards men that don't want you.

 

 

Very on point, thank you.

 

 

 

I need to improve myself as a human being and set boundaries and standards. Basically, show a man how I want to be treated instead of hoping and expecting that he'll somehow know.

 

 

Men like to test women to see how easy she is. It can be very disappointing and I get offended easily so that's why I have horrible experience with dating apps.

[ExpatInItaly]

Men like to test women to see how easy she is. It can be very disappointing and I get offended easily so that's why I have horrible experience with dating apps.

 

Decent, mature men don't do this.

 

Look, I think you are not emotionally unavailable or afraid of commitment. Quite the contrary, based on this thread and your others. You weren't as into your ex, so when he talked about marriage, you realized you didn't want that with him. That isn't self-sabotage; it's simply understanding it's not the right relationship for you. And if you're just not ready for marriage in general, of course the idea of being a wife is nerve-wracking. That's normal.

 

But I think you are selling yourself this narrative of emotional unavailability and lack of interest in relationships because it mitigates the pain of the rejection from this particular guy. You appear to be trying to convince yourself you don't want anything more with this man, when your behaviour screams exactly the opposite. He knows it, too.

 

It's time to take the hint, again, and let him go. He doesn't want you the way you want him. You need to learn to recognize a dead end when you see it, and act accordingly by driving in the other direction. Don't keep backing the car up and driving straight into the dead end again and again, hoping that suddenly a new road will open up in front of you. Doesn't work like that.

[Lisa_Lisa]

Curiosity got the best of me since I was a bit confused about that text that said if his "life plans don't work out" part. So I went on Instagram (I already unfollowed him and he's private) and unblocked the girl he said he wants to be with (the one who lives in England). Based on conversations with him, I put two and two together with her name and face and such...anyway...her profile is public and I saw a picture of a famous spot in Queens so that told me right there that she's back in New York...maybe for good...who knows. I don't know how long you can stay in the states with just a visa, but point is she's here and the earlier texts make more sense now.

 

 

Thinking back to our break up talk, he said she'd be back. When I asked if it was just for a visit, he didn't want to tell me and he hinted that he was starting to feel guilty and was thinking about ending it by the next month. I guess I just beat him to it. Hence why he agreed and stuck to the decision.

 

 

I got the hint, I'm out...dropping the microphone. I don't like to block people so if he ever texts me on friendly terms, I'll be cordial, but this is a dead fish and I need to move on to someone who wants to hang with me and likes me very much. I knew this would be the end result. I'm not surprised. It's gonna hurt until it doesn't anymore.

[kendahke]

I don't know how long you can stay in the states with just a visa, .

 

according to google:

If you enter the United States on a visa waiver, your maximum stay will be 90 days. With a B-2 tourist visa, by contrast, you will normally be allowed to stay for up to six months. What's more, with a B-2 visa, you can apply to extend your stay even longer.

[Lisa_Lisa]

according to google:

 

 

Funny you mention this because I did look it up. Most likely it'll be the 90 days. It's much harder to get a B2 visa. They usually hand them out to senior citizens and such. Sad that I even looked it up, but yeah.

 

 

Maybe she'll stay the 90 days or maybe she'll only stay until the New Year. Who knows. I just know that if he was sincere about remaining friendly with me then I will reply.

 

 

His comment about not leaving nyc yet still confuses me because he won't be able to live over there without getting married and they've got strict rules for marriage like the UK spouse has to earn over a certain amount of money.

 

 

It's actually more to her benefit if she stays in the states as she already did an internship with the UN. They may be able to request that she hold a position in the company.