ChewBag Posted November 27, 2018 Posted November 27, 2018 I apologize if this is lengthy and wordy, I’ll do my best to compress as much of it as possible. I’ll have to explain a few things, to explain a few things. In January of 2017 my dad passed away, and my mother who is in the latter stages of multiple sclerosis was left without the person who made it possible for her to live day to day. At first, my youngest sister moved in to help her, and then due to medical reasons, she was taken to a nursing home for short-term rehab. When the rehab failed as with most cases of MS, my mother was left with the option of staying in a nursing home or finding someone to take care of her. My sister chose to leave (which at this point in time, I don’t blame her), and my mother called me the oldest sibling. I had a choice, leave a good job and pick up my family and move. Due to poor choices, my fiance at the time had a fair of amount of legal fees and fines because of poor choices she made 5-6 years prior. My mother agreed to pay them off after I advised her moving out of the state wouldn’t be possible and my fiances PO wasn’t willing to start a transfer until they were paid. I at this point in my life really did not want to move, I love my mother and was willing to give everything but I had seen this movie before and didn’t want any of it. My ex-pushed me into doing it, and at the time we were very much still “the perfect couple” with more positives than negatives. So in August of 2017 we moved home, I helped finished remodeling the house, and we promised mom we’d try to let her get around the house as much as possible (she is completely bed bound at this point, with no lower body functions). Mom had received a fair bit of money from her early retirement (she was 50), and was able to sustain my small family and I while I took care of her. My fiance had gotten a job rather quickly being able to transfer from her position to a new one in town. In December of that year, due to very poor financial decisions by my mother, she had run dry on cash but had managed to pay the bills up until Feb of the next year. My fiance at this time found it ideal to cheat on me with a girl, and move out within the same week taking our two children (which are not mine biologically, this is important.) The next month or so was rough, then the month after was rough but she had a tendency to lead me on with false hope. See for me, she was the one, I met her when I was 26 (am now 30), and before I had met her I went through a 6-year marriage that crashed and a 2-year long relationship that also crashed. Before I met my fiance I set up parameters for myself, got back into shape, worked hard, and was content being alone. I set up a set of guidelines for any potential partners in the future, sharing a common interest, similar life goals, similar tastes, etc. I wasn’t going to settle for someone I had zero to do with simply due to an attraction. So when I made us wait in that dating phase for almost a year. It was hard on both of us and in retrospect maybe not the best way of handling it, I just wasn’t ready to rush into a thing that would fail and wanted to make sure we were both really compatible. Anyways, back to 2017/18, my ex-leaves and I’m confused as to why 4 months later, I’m still hung up over her. It doesn’t help I have to maintain contact with her for the kids which she threatens to yank away anytime we have a disagreement or I get into a mood. What really hurt though is she left before my mothers month to month disability was approved and put my mother and me in a really tight bind, and didn’t even help pay bills at all while she was here. Also to keep things spicy I found out from one of her coworkers she was telling people I hit her the day she left, this set me off. I’ve seen too many lives ruined because of false accusations even later in life. I began to record every conversation and phone call with her and caught her admitting to the lies. When I called her out on it, I demanded she go to social media and her family and friends and admit the lie. I think she did this out of some weird ploy to get sympathy from someone, as her family and friends all called me to apologize on how she handled and treated the situation and were shunning her for lack of a better term. She thought it appropriate around May/April to dump info about her seeing a married man, then his wife approving the fling then cutting it off causing my now ex-fiance to go into a depression (karma I suppose). She tells me all this during drop-offs with the kids and I don’t really want to hear it, but at the same time, I don’t know how or why I couldn’t pull away. A few months later she starts seeing one of her roommates, which sets me off, but primarily because we had talked about not wanting to put the kids in a situation where they would be meeting people we were dating (her primarily, I didn’t do much dating) too soon. I got upset and about 5-6 months worth of hate and anger just came out like a volcano. A week later she and the guy had split regardless. She threatens to take the kids away which kills me because I have no legal rights to them whatsoever, and I ended up backing off. Don’t get me wrong, I said some awful ****, and I probably deserved to get the **** scared out of me, but knowing she willing uses the children as a chip drives me nuts. Anyways about 2 weeks ago we are talking during child transfer and she explained she may move about 10 hours away to be around the other side of her family (At the start of this mess, I actually gave her the idea, her family down here is great but it seemed like a good idea for her to get away from all the negative **** down here and get around a fresh scene and get a fresh start). So she subtle suggest I go with her, and at this point, I gave her a look that was probably a mix of disgust and anger, followed by sadness. She then says she can’t say anything because it wouldn’t be fair to me, and I said it for her “You want to patch things up in Ohio with me?” and she nodded. Then in another subtle hint, she mentions she misses me, I ignore this as best as I can and go on about my day. Now the kicker is my mother may have to go into long-term care at a facility in December due to some tests, and my ex heard this and always said the number one problem being here was the stress my mother caused (which she didn’t do directly but yea living here and doing what I do has emotionally drained me). So tonight I get a message from her friend saying she took this exbf roommate to her family's T-Day dinner, and of course, I didn’t handle that well, but at the same time I didn’t go off the rails just called her out on her ****. I’ve tried to maintain limited contact but she has a way of getting under my skin and guilt tripping me when I just get the kids from her and walk away. It’s frustrating and the sad part is, if she came back to me today and asked for forgiveness, I’d probably do it because what I had with her seemed very magical (and anyone that knows me, I don’t normally buy into sunshine and rainbows and “romantic love” but with her it was). Anyways, I’m sorry for the novel, I’m sure I’ve missed a few things, but this is the main bulk of it. Still not handling it well really.
bathtub-row Posted November 28, 2018 Posted November 28, 2018 You need to cut ties completely with this woman and her kids. I know that seems harsh, but that's what needs to be done. She's self-centered and has no moral compass whatsoever. I can't answer you as to why you're still hung up on her because that's always difficult to ascertain. Regardless, she's bad news and has no consideration for anyone else. Let it go.
Author ChewBag Posted November 28, 2018 Author Posted November 28, 2018 The biggest issue is I've been with these kids for most of their young lives, and I am dad. Neither have a father figure outside of myself, I don't want to abandon them like both of their fathers did them. Thats something I can't budge on, being an abandoned child myself (until my dad came along when I was 9)
Normm Posted November 29, 2018 Posted November 29, 2018 I don't want to abandon them like both of their fathers did them. Thats something I can't budge on, being an abandoned child myself Unfortunately that's not your decision to make. Mom dumped you, the kids go with her. She won't want to keep you in their lives and there's nothing you can do about it. Try to find peace with the fact that it wasn't your choice.
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